SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lawyer is involved.

It's difficult to turn this over to someone else, but it's started.

36,

I understand your mixed feelings. The more complex any situation, the more expertise you need. Add in the heavy dose of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion you're experiencing, the more imperative it is to build your support team.

This is a great step in putting yourself first.

Lawyer is involved.

It's difficult to turn this over to someone else, but it's started.

36, I understand how you feel, but there are elements of your wife's behaviour that irrational. Maybe more than irrational. You have to protect yourself, and the lawyer really is an essential protection for you. I am sure your lawyer will have told you this already, but:

1) Document everything, new and old. As much as you can remember, dates, events, etc, and definitely keep a record of every barbed remark or odd piece of behaviour now.

2) Always have more than one copy of your evidence. If you have any physical evidence, take it somewhere that your wife cannot get at it to destroy it. Like a locker at work, your desk, etc.

3) Do not leave your phone or laptop lying around at home. They may simply vanish.

I know what I have written must seem horrible, and unnatural, but you would be amazed at what some wayward spouses have done in an effort to erase or physically destroy evidence.

If your wife attempts to goad you with unpleasant comments, or bombards you with questions, Google "Gray Rock Method". It is a variation of the 180, but for more intense situations.

I know this is a situation you did not want or create, but you are getting on the right track to protect yourself and get yourself out of infidelity.

Is your thinking starting to get a bit more clear, and are you a bit more focused at work? I ask because I remember how I was when I simply didn't know what to do or how to proceed. Once I started making a plan, my mind cleared, I had some solid ideas to anchor my thoughts to, and it started to feel like I was getting more control on the situation. I am hoping this is starting to happen for you.

M1965, I can't tell you my thinking is getting clearer. It seems it is at times, then something happens that will trigger me right down to the depths of hell again.

I think it will take a lot of time for something beyond the darkness that seems to be my new normal. But I have hope. I just wish I didn't love her; then I could get through this with fewer regrets and complications.

36,

Read about the stages of grief. You'll got through all of them...more than once...and not necessarily in a linear, sequential fashion. I suggest this as a way for you to understand what you are feeling and what you may experience in the future as you process the pain. And the deeper you read and study about processing grief you'll begin to put the loss in some perspective. To understand your sense of loss.

This is not the same as trying to understand why she did it. That will rent space in your brain for quite a while. Depending on your healing. And it will fvck with your mind. My wish for you is that you arrive at a stage of healing where you see she that she did it because she wanted to. As simple as that. She was selfish and wanted to. And, more importantly, you arrive at a stage of healing where you understand that you did nothing to cause her betrayal. Those are tough realizations to achieve.

You have to be more kind to yourself. The one you loved for 38 years horribly abused and despicably betrayed you for 3 months. This is not something you can recover from quickly. Of course you will be hitting the depths, do not despair at that. You would not be human if this was not happening.

However, in order to recover you must get control of your life back. You have taken the first steps by seeing a lawyer. Do the 180, take care of yourself physically and listen to the good advice on this forum.

It's difficult to turn this over to someone else, but it's started.

There are major advantages to doing this.

First off, the attorney is objective. He/she is not emotionally involved and can be logical and rational, where you right now cannot be. He/she will suggest things that might sound harsh, but listen and follow their advice. If you've hired a good attorney, it's not their first rodeo.

Secondly, you need to remove yourself from the communications loop and heal. DO NOT engage with your WW under any circumstances. Request that all communication be kept to email only. Your kids are grown and gone and barring an emergency, there is NO REASON for you to speak in person or on the phone. Email only.

I'm wondering if it makes sense (ask your attorney) for you to file a restraining order against the OM. He is a documented violent individual, he has discussed your demise with your WW and he has a reason to see that harm comes your way. You are concerned for your personal safety under these circumstances. It would be a good pre-emptive strike, depending on how things are done in your state. I would defer to the attorney on this one.

Right now, focus on your healing. A good IC can be really helpful in working with you on your perspective of this situation. It's hard to realize someone you loved deeply doesn't reciprocate and even wishes you harm. But perspective over time will show you that they were always this person--they were just better at masking it. Frankly, I suspect a Cluster B personality issue, but your IC should be able to help you with that. I would talk to your PCP and get a recommendation for a good therapist that has a lot of experience with Cluster B disorders. You're going to need it.

Cat

Catwoman, thanks for the reasoned response. Communication seems to be one of the toughest issues other than all the fires going on in my brain.

She's contacted me around 3:30 in the morning the past two days to talk. She's begged for forgiveness, told me she's changed, asked me not to divorce her and swears the A is over.

Then it's like a trigger goes off and my mind freaks out and I sink back into depression. I am thinking of changing my phone number.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 8:39 AM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

Hi, 36, please listen to the folks here.

Do NOT engage with your wife. She is a master manipulator and could be setting you up for another fall.

Right now as hard as it is to believe, she is enemy #1. You are at war, and you don't want to be the loser.

Listen to your attorney. Hopefully you have a great one who will guide you in the right direction.

Changing your phone number and letting your attorney handle any communication with your STBXW would be the smartest possible things you could do.

Your STBXW is doing whatever she can to wring every last dollar out of your M. Recall she was really pissed when you changed your life insurance beneficiaries to your kids (hello, big red flag). She doesn’t want R, she wants you in a situation she can control to set herself up for a favorable D (with pending DV charges against you) or worse (recall she discussed your demise with her AP). STAY AWAY FROM HER!!!

I’m sorry this happened to you, but you must deal with the reality of the situation. Do not let emotions or past good memories of who your W was cloud your judgment today.

She's contacted me around 3:30 in the morning the past two days to talk. She's begged for forgiveness, told me she's changed, asked me not to divorce her and swears the A is over.

People who are serious about this don't start these sorts of conversations at 3:30 in the morning.

"I'm sorry, but I am not discussing that with you right now," is a very appropriate response. I would suggest you use it.

Look, just because you file for divorce doesn't mean it's going to happen. But filing PROTECTS you. You need that right now. I know you are loathe to accept that, but you need that separation right now.

If she's serious about "changing," you'll see it. And you need to see MONTHS and possibly YEARS of change before you recommit to her in any way. And if she's serious about changing, she'll be happy to prove herself over time and earn back your trust.

I'm going to be a little cynical here and say that right now it's very likely lip service. She wants to say all the right things and everything will go back to normal.

Except it's not. She has betrayed you horribly.

Look, take a plate from the cabinet. Throw it on the floor so it breaks into pieces. Then say you're sorry. Does that fix anything?

Right now, she's standing over you after shattering you into pieces and saying sorry. That's nice, but that's not going to help you heal. You need her to act, not say.

If she's serious, she'll get into IC and start trying to figure out why she acted as she did. If she does this, you should see change.

You protect yourself from new hurt by engaging an attorney, filing for divorce and letting the attorney handle the details. If she's really serious about changing, you'll see it.

But I suspect that it's just talk.

Please listen to me--I have been down this road, and unfortunately dealt with multiple affairs before my now-ex (diagnosed with a personality disorder) and I divorced. It doesn't seem like it now, but you've been given a gift.

I'm serious about that.

Cat

If she's serious about "changing," you'll see it. And you need to see MONTHS and possibly YEARS of change before you recommit to her in any way.

Yes, what Catwoman said!

Her change of heart at this point is suspect to say the least. She contact you through your lawyer only, which will probably make her batshit crazy again. You will have removed the vehicle for her to continue to manipulate you.

I like the block her number, change your phone number idea. If she comes to see you, don't open the door, walk away, do not try to get in the last word, DO NOT ENGAGE!

This woman is toxic. You need time and space to see this for what it is.

36,

You never answered how your wife’s boss admitted to you that she was also sleeping with this OM. Seems pretty bizarre.

Also, how did you find out the OM is accused of drugging, raping and beating another woman who resembles your wife? There would definitely be police activity regarding the crime, and victim’s identities are concealed.

If you don't want to change your phone number, set her ringtone to silent. That way, you can listen to any message and respond (or not) appropriately via e-mail (which should always be written as if a judge would be reading it).

Some find it amusing to use crickets as a ringtone for their WS as a reminder to give them crickets (as in no response).

Cat

Catwoman nailed it completely.

Please do not enter into discussions about anything relating to finances or a possible divorce. I know this all highly unnatural, but she really must be made to channel all that stuff through your lawyer, in writing.

As far as changing your number is concerned, that is not a bade idea, but if she calls or texts, it is entirely in your power to not answer the call or not answer a text. The key to it is finding it within yourself to say 'No' to her.

"Yes, I know you called at 3.30 in the morning. I chose not to answer".

Given what she has done to you, you are well within your rights to take that approach. Just because she calls, doesn't mean you have to answer. In fact, it would be wise not to. Just because she asks a question does not mean you have to answer it. You are well within your rights as a person to not answer.

And it has to be said, for all your wife says she is 'changing', who the heck phones at 3.30 a.m. to discuss this stuff? That, in itself is pretty wacky.

Detach. Protect yourself. All discussions of anything even vaguely financial or legal to go through your lawyer. Phone calls in the middle of the night go unanswered.

These are the tools for taking control of your life back.

You never answered how your wife’s boss admitted to you that she was also sleeping with this OM. Seems pretty bizarre.

Also, how did you find out the OM is accused of drugging, raping and beating another woman who resembles your wife? There would definitely be police activity regarding the crime, and victim’s identities are concealed.

The boss lady has been taking trips out of town with the OM. The OM confided to one of the other women in her office that he has been having sexual relations with the boss lady, just like he did with the previous boss lady who had to finally get an order of protection and move out of town.

My wife was approached last Friday by a woman she hired a few weeks ago. The woman told her that she had gone to a client's home with the OM and afterwards they stopped for a glass of wine. She said she had one glass and then all she can remember is waking up in a bed covered in bruises and watched the OM walking out the door. She has not gone to the police as of yet (I don't know whether this is normal or not). She says she is aware of several other women in the office that have had similar experiences (I don't know how that's possible, but I believe her).

This woman approached the boss lady to tell her what happened and the boss lady did absolutely nothing. No investigation. Nothing.

The OM appears to have a type. He likes white, blonde women with blue eyes. He prefers them in their 50's or older. It seems he targets women who may have money. He seems to target married women (why I don't know).

He also lives with a woman who is in her early 60's. The previous boss lady had given him credit cards for personal use, moved in with him briefly and paid all his bills. Then something happened that scared her out of her wits and she took action and basically went into hiding.

This all sounds like one of those Lifetime Channel movies.

36 please notify the states attorney and the local police force of all that's going on at this organization.

You could save someone's life.

This is beyond the norm of normal for any organization,person or situation.

36,

So this OM seemingly has a bunch of fifty year old women, who all work together at a Christian organization, sleeping with him including the boss and the prior boss, except for a few of those women who he need to drug and rape, including a new hire who told your wife she was with OM and a client then she went out drinking with him woke up in a bed and saw OM leaving but doesn’t remember anything else and presumably she got dressed and left the bed even though she was covered in bruises and never went to police but she went to the boss lady who she thought would investigate because that’s what you do when you believe you’ve been drugged raped and beaten, but since boss lady is also under OM’s spell, the Christian organization’s investigation was never started.

I think I’ve got it now.

Is there a national director or something of this "Christian" organization?

So this OM seemingly has a bunch of fifty year old women, who all work together at a Christian organization, sleeping with him including the boss and the prior boss, except for a few of those women who he need to drug and rape, including a new hire who told your wife she was with OM and a client then she went out drinking with him woke up in a bed and saw OM leaving but doesn’t remember anything else and presumably she got dressed and left the bed even though she was covered in bruises and never went to police but she went to the boss lady who she thought would investigate because that’s what you do when you believe you’ve been drugged raped and beaten, but since boss lady is also under OM’s spell, the Christian organization’s investigation was never started.

I think I’ve got it now.

As bizarre, odd, weird, ridiculous, preposterous, unbelievable or sad, yeah that's about right.