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Just Found Out :
Heartache

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 Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 2:11 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

I decided not to go through with the PI.

I know i had some part of it because I worked too much and neglected her so she found live somewhere else. She is still the mother of my children so I just filed non reconcile and not adultery. I dont want my children see that if they the case. I filed it. She came this afternoon looking tired. Told me she can't afford the 400 per hour attorney so she might have to plead no contest. She doesn't have anyone to help her with this. I didnt say anythimg. She put the guilt trip on me.

posts: 208   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
id 8576755
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:37 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Well if you don't get the proof you lose leverage, don't be surprised if she later goes for the jugular during the process, if she can afford a down payment for a house she can surely afford to pay an attorney, you don't have to destroy her but her knowing you know and have undeniable proof of the A could be a big factor during the separation of assets, again you could even negotiate a non-disclosure agreement with her, later she could claim you had already filed for D so nothing wrong with her "starting to see other people".

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8576762
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 Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 4:05 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

If I don't do PA, could I just to tell lawyer to threaten to subpoena the BF to say he was involved with her during the marriage since I have the name?

posts: 208   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
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 Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 5:23 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Man, this spouse is lazy. She has her won practice which neglected, 3 kids which she neglected and let nanny take care of them, all to have an affair with this guy. Then tries to make me leave the house to give her more time to think about opening her heart again, then tried to make me invest in a rental house with he.

If she gets custody of the kids , I don't know how she is going to take care of them. She just comes home and plops on the bed.

posts: 208   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 5:24 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

In all the time you've spent asking and rationalizing about PIs, etc. You could have just taken the steps to find out what she was really doing, PI or otherwise.

If you really don't want to know what the truth behind her behavior is, that's your choice, but then figure out what you really do want and pursue it.

And stop letting her blatantly manipulate you. She has openly treated you like shit. Feel free to be cold, distant - even mad!

But stop letting her walk all over you.

posts: 960   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:25 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

If I don't do PA, could I just to tell lawyer to threaten to subpoena the BF to say he was involved with her during the marriage since I have the name?

And when she tells you you are lying, "they're just friends" and you can't produce any proof what would you answer ? Get the VARs and hire the PI for a couple of days to get the leverage and file for D at the same time, by the time she gets served the PI will likely have plenty of info.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8576809
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Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 6:48 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Man, this spouse is lazy. She has her won practice which neglected, 3 kids which she neglected and let nanny take care of them, all to have an affair with this guy.

If she gets custody of the kids , I don't know how she is going to take care of them. She just comes home and plops on the bed.

She could be experiencing what's often called "affair fog" or more scientifically "limerence". It's a state of deep, obsessive infatuation where the LO (Limerent Object) becomes the sole focus of the person going through limerence to the extent that they neglect anything not related to the LO and their "connection". It's a type of tunnel vision best compared to the cycle of highs and cravings of a cocaine addict.

There is, in fact, a way in which you could take advantage of it: people experiencing limerence are usually so dead set on getting away from their current relationships that they will do anything and everything to get it over with.

Knowing this gives you a good bargaining position when negotiating the divorce settlement and asset splitting. Your wife could be more willing to make concessions she wouldn't otherwise make just to get away from you and to start her new glamorous life with her AP. You've already mentioned neglecting kids for some time (another possible symptom of limerence) - if properly documented, this could give you an advantage when negotiating custody and visitation rights.

posts: 305   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:12 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Well said Buster123.

Buffer

Buffer

posts: 1318   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8576846
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 10:25 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Right now she is playing the victim. You were a terrible husband. She can't afford an attorney. Blah, blah, blah.

I can almost promise you your WW is going to get nasty. Your only "ace in the hole" is her adultery. You need the leverage.

Let the PI do his thing for a few days and get at least something.

During my D process any time my XWW started to make unreasonable, unfair demands I would always hint at her adultery and she would back down.

When your WW realizes you are serious and that her world is about to crumble, she's going to go ballistic. Bet on it.

Stop talking to her. If she won't leave the bedroom, shore yourself up in another room. Make that your safe space. She's not allowed to enter.

Things are going to get weird and nasty up until the D is final.

And although you don't want the kids to learn about her infidelity, at some point they deserve to know. She's the reason the family fell apart. This affects them. She cheated on them too. She destroyed the safety and sanctity of their nuclear family. They had no choice in any of this. Something to think about.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8576862
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 11:35 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

How did she react to being told you were going to file?

Does she know that you know who the OM is?

Do you know much about him? Married? Kids? ...

You can keep mum about the lack of evidence you have and just tell her straight out that you know she is having an affair with _________. Refuse to tell her how you know but say that you evidence is strong. She may admit to it or give you more information... she may back down on being the victum...

Have you considered putting a VAR in her car or in the room she uses the headphones/phone to talk to OM at night? This would be to confirm the affair and what they are planning not for court. It would be a one sided conversation but those can be telling also.

Does she normally behave this way (lazy) or could she be depressed?

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8576869
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:03 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

I know i had some part of it because I worked too much and neglected her so she found live somewhere else.

The above may be true - but you just described a typical marriage. In your case you worked too much but there's an endless list including the daily grind of being married tends to push two people apart.

Your wife also had a demanding career/practice.

1 - You were both in the same marriage - but she chose to cheat. Nobody can force another person to cheat.

2 - You can share 50% responsibility for a 'boring' marriage - but she has 100% responsibility to decide to cheat vs other options.

btw: living a lie 24/7, ignoring her kids, and humping some POS is not a 'life'.

3 - Among other things, cheating requires: selfishness, entitlement, deceit, and a lack of empathy for the spouse.

Be civil but do not believe anything she says or promises. Do not trust her. She is no longer the girl you married.

posts: 2599   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:35 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

My H traveled internationally for 20 years. He commuted to the opposite coast for 50 Straight weeks One year.

I was home alone with children, house, schedules etc.

I never once complained. It was his job. Deal with it!!!!

And I did not cheat. Never crossed my mind.

Just like your wife (who BTW should be grateful you worked hard) my H blamed me for his affair.

One time he told me all of his justifications and excuses and I just started laughing in his face. He sounded ridiculous. He was so far off the mark it was funny. As an example, When he came home from his travels I would tell him to sleep late to get back to our time zone. No dear you go play golf for an afternoon - you work hard and deserve it. I catered to this guy b/c I Believed he deserved it.

My H - like your wife - cheated b/c they are/were unhappy. They are unhappy with themselves. And their solution was to cheat to bring “happiness” to their lives.

They can play victim all they want. They are NOT the aggrieved party here. We the betrayed spouses are.

Please understand that point. Because if you do, you will stop being dragged into her drama and manipulative behavior. Because if you D and have to co- parent you will need to set boundaries and stop the manipulative behavior and tactics. And don’t think SHE won’t use her kids against you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:37 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14874   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8576881
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 Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Oh yea, after I told her I would go ahead and divorce her . She screamed what!, I thought you were going to woo me back and now you have an attorney in 1 weeK?

She kept asking what was the daevastatin news , I gave her the same BS answer.

She then ran out and started getting dressed fast.

Just before she ehaded out the door, she said that her car was old and what type of car do I think she needs with the kids.

Thenshe ran out the door and drove off fast. Probably to call the OM and scream the plan is backfiring.

posts: 208   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
id 8577062
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 6:27 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

She screamed what!, I thought you were going to woo me back and now you have an attorney in 1 weeK?

Funny how that works. She cheats and she thinks it's your responsibility to fix the marriage. Mental gymnastics. Entitlement off the charts.

No major purchases until the divorce is final.

Get ready for the shit storm. Stay tough.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8577098
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:57 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Vonblock, you had better pay close attention real quick to what advice you're getting here. Your WW is now starting the blame shift game. You need to heed the advice here and get your head together. Even as a physician, this is about saving your own life right now. Take some time if you need it away from the practice and get your house in order.

When you told your wife that you were filing, she likely ran out the door to call the OM. If you would have placed a VAR in her car, you would have had your undeniable proof. Its not too late, get 2 VARs from Best Buys now. Its about $50 each. Put one in her car under her seat and record her conversations. It will give you good details on her plan, and also confirm for you that she is cheating. Put the other VAR on your body to protect you.

- She is planning on grabbing your money. Guaranteed. The buying the house, Her practice slowing down, Her saying she can't afford $400 an hour attorney, and NOW, suggesting that she get a new car. You have better start separating finances NOW. Did you already file. If you have, you need to let your attorney know, what she is planning on doing. My exWW also ran out, and bought herself 2 new cars during our D. Keep in mind, she had a brand new car we spent a full yr looking for her at the time we filed for D. She is going to demand a life style from you, and you need to handle this quickly.

- She can afford a new rental, she can afford a new car. Make sure your attorney knows that she's using to driving X, and there is no reason for her now to drive Y. They will try to inflate their lifestyle for the court/judge to show a need for higher expenses and support checks. Get on it dude.

- Take a week off of work if you need. This is not a time to dilly dally. Divorce is serious. It will require major mental strength and also major time devoted to gathering proof and paperwork at the beginning. Your attorney will handle things as they progress, but at the beginning, it does require you to provide all sorts of documentation on assets and accounts. Get on it, and take some time off if you need. You can also use this time to spend with your kids.

- Talk to your kids. They need to know the truth. Everyone will tell you that you need to speak to them in an age appropriate manner. No need for details, but the truth will help you down the road. No judge will punish you for speaking the honest truth to the kids, just make sure its a simple kid rated version.

- Take time out for your kids. Self explanatory. their world is about to implode. Be there for them, and comfort them. Make sure they know that they can come to you for anything. Maybe set them up for IC at some point in the future.

- Get the financial records from your wifes practice ASAP. You don't want her messing with those.

- Don't forget that the Nanny may have info for you. After all, she's been around when you haven't. Don't be surprised if she knows about the BF.

I agree with Buster and the others. I can see this women going for the jugular later. She is slowly realizing that you are not putting up with her shit, and her lifestyle is going to take a bit hit. She isn't likely to go down easily. Get your proof with the VAR and PI, and hold those cards close to the chest. You can always throw out that you know about the BF, use this name. She will run and tell him in a conversation in her car, and you'll get all that on the VAR.

posts: 1426   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8577121
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 7:33 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

frequently affairs end along with the marriage. The OM/OW get scared of the added unwanted clinginess from WS or WS cannot enjoy cheating without the knowledge that a caring BS is waiting at home

[This message edited by goalong at 1:34 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

posts: 819   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8577139
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:52 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Thenshe ran out the door and drove off fast. Probably to call the OM and scream the plan is backfiring.

And that's exactly why that VARs should have been in place and the PI standing by, but don't worry just like Halfthetime17 said, the PI could still get you plenty of info but you have to start being proactive instead of reacting to her moves, get the leverage you need, otherwise this could be a very nasty D and it looks like she will go for the jugular.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8577150
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 Vonbock (original poster member #75204) posted at 9:54 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Does she normally behave this way (lazy) or could she be depressed?

She is just lazy she has sense of entitlement.

She said she has had many sepcilaists and rich guys after her who wined and dined her but me, I gave her nothing but 10 years of bad marriage.

SHe lies in bed, I take care of kids. She goes to sleep for work the next morning. The is before the affair.

Now it is talk to him on facebook IM till late, see him next day, comes home take a nap from 7 to 10. Call him or IM after she wakes up from her nap.

posts: 208   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
id 8577199
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 11:55 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Just before she headed out the door, she said that her car was old and what type of car do I think she needs with the kids.

This sounds to me like she is trying to get her ducks in a row before the divorce... Almost like she had a list of things she was going to have you do to Woo her back...a new rental apartment...and a new car "for the kids"...

Have you considered setting up a VAR to catch what she says to the OM?

Do you ever leave her alone with the kids and take a night off?

I'd at least have a VAR on me when I talked to her.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8577228
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Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 10:13 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

She is just lazy she has sense of entitlement. She said she has had many specialists and rich guys after her who wined and dined her but me, I gave her nothing but 10 years of bad marriage.

Looks like you have a loose narcissist on your hands. What she's doing is a classic manipulation trick called triangulation. All the more reason to be ready for anything and take precutions that others have pointed out.

posts: 305   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8577337
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