SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know you're probably feeling really overwhelmed and even "chumped" right now. That's okay. We're ALL here because we got chumped. Honest people don't think like dishonest ones. We're trusting, particularly of those we love and care for.

Exactly CT. I have felt this myself. But the truth is we don't understand how a WS thinks because they have chosen a path that is not what we chose. So trying to reconcile their way of thinking with our own understanding is not possible. We must see through their eyes, no matter how painful it may be. And accept that as someone else said, they are no longer the person we thought they were.

Hold on Monotone, you are not alone friend. We truly do care.

[This message edited by IceThee at 2:45 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Now I need to take a deep breath and figure out how to spend the rest of this Sunday.

There is plenty for you to do. First, great job on stopping the auto transfers. Now, contact HOA board members and get the name of the security firm. Put a call into them. Get the license plate number of the car he was in from the cam recording. Or go see the guard in the gate post. Then signup for a Carfax account. $19.99. You can enter a license plate number and get details on the car, make , model, VIN, where it is serviced, how long it has been owned by the current owner, where it has been inspected by the State. My point is you can get his name with some digging on you own. A PI would get you the name and address probably in a day with just the plate number alone.

There is plenty for you to do today. You've made a start. Keep going. Change all of your passwords. You can get an app for your phone to record any conversation with her, or buy a voice activated recorder to do the same.

She is now like a cornered animal. She has made severe threats against you and the security guard. Her threat about your employment is another reason why you should contact your manager. You are her meal ticket so I don't believe she would interfere with your employment. She doesn't want that gravy train to stop shitting Benjamins.

She could easily concoct a false domestic violence accusation against you: "Daddy, monotone has been abusive to me physically and emotionally. I don't know what to do. Daddy, what should I do?" and then the next knock on your door is uniformed officers to arrest you.

Now I don't even know where she is

She is either at her parents bad mouthing you. That you are crazy. That you are making outlandish accusations. That you have been abusive. Or she is with a BFF or the OM. She may be lining up an atty. Something you should be doing.

monotone, all of the above in this post is straight "getting out of infidelity" stuff. Not a lick of it is solely because we think there may be a plan to off you. But you see how taking these steps helps you with both scenarios?

You have time on your hands today. Use it wisely. While you are wondering what to do today, she is planning how to handle you for her best benefit.

I now you want to R but it is not possible. She needs to tell you everything and be completely transparent on her phone. Her phone is locked and kept private because she is cheating on you. I couldn't stay with her if I was in your shoes.

I now you want to R but it is not possible. She needs to tell you everything and be completely transparent on her phone. Her phone is locked and kept private because she is cheating on you. I couldn't stay with her if I was in your shoes.

am trying very hard in this situation to not be rash and let my anger get the best of me and to try to see things from her perspective and be calm and etc

It's good that you are trying to stay calm. In general what do you see her perspective as being (if you have an idea yet that is)?

Also the OM driving into your gated community with another man and not stopping at your home seems really off don't you think? They may still be dangerous even though they didn't act outwardly so. For example the OM might be showing this other guy where your house is and the lay of the land for neferious reasons.

Do you have anywhere else you could go for the rest of today and night at least until you have talked to an attorney and get more direction from him such as referral to good PI. Attorney might have other options for you regarding best way to report to police too so you are comfortable. PI can do a decent background check and might be able to find OMs identity by checking your credit cards, cruise company and any security camera footage of car make, model, occupants and license tags.

You should spend your Sunday making sure you are safe and can protect yourself. Lots of great advice has been given to you for ideas on how to do that here. I pray you stay safe.

[This message edited by whattheh at 3:15 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

I now you want to R but it is not possible. She needs to tell you everything and be completely transparent on her phone. Her phone is locked and kept private because she is cheating on you. I couldn't stay with her if I was in your shoes.

I now you want to R but it is not possible. She needs to tell you everything and be completely transparent on her phone. Her phone is locked and kept private because she is cheating on you. I couldn't stay with her if I was in your shoes.

I now you want to R but it is not possible. She needs to tell you everything and be completely transparent on her phone. Her phone is locked and kept private because she is cheating on you. I couldn't stay with her if I was in your shoes.

I now you want to R but it is not possible. She needs to tell you everything and be completely transparent on her phone. Her phone is locked and kept private because she is cheating on you. I couldn't stay with her if I was in your shoes.

Take pictures of what is in that drawer.

Get copies of all of your financial documents - taxes, bank account numbers, life insurance policy numbers - everything you can get your hands on. Take them out of the house and put them in a safe place.

Google "men's rights attorney" in your area - there are several firms that specialize in this.

Tomorrow, call the life ins. company and get the exact date the policy was changed.

Remove the phone number from your account that isn't being used.

I agree with getting several VARs (voice activated recorders) and planting them in several rooms in your house.

Do NOT engage with your WW should she show up at home.

Monotone. Big case that has been on one of those TV shows (snapped or who the bleep did I marry or 20/20 etc) was a woman in my state (I do not wamy to give too many details to maintain privacy).

Nasty divorce.

She was convicted of trying to hire a hit man to kill her H.

For $$$ and custody. B/c after a D she would have to give up her lifestyle. She also was or did have an A and they were separated but she felt she was going lose everything and his life insurance and $ would be hers in the event he died.

Very upscale community here. no one would have expected this but she was on tape talking to the under cover police officer saying she was wanted the H dead.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:44 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

I read your thread and I would recommend you leave the house today and file for divorce tomorrow. She has been cheating on you for the entire 7 years and gave you a STD. Her phone is locked because she is having multiple affairs both online and in person. She cannot be fixex your life will be hell if you stay with her unless you like to share your wife with other men. Pack up today go to a hotel file for divorce tomorrow and don't look back.

Monotone, you still alive and at liberty?

Protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself, Monotone.

Get a VAR. Have it on person at all times. Never be alone with her.

A friend and COW was accused of DV by his WW in the early 1990's. He was charged. She later, privately, admitted there was none but won't go to the police to rectify. She'd be guilty of false accusation. It will be on his record until death.

Another COW went to a D lawyer right after he discovered his wife was committing adultery. The first thing the lawyer said was to change his will and drop or change the beneficiaries on his life insurance.

Death in adultery is not as uncommon as we all would like to think. So many here are concerned about your safety and, at a minimum, false accusations.

Protect yourself, protect yourself. I will never know but I sure don't want you to end up in the obituary columns. The people here are rightly concerned about you.

I think the danger aspect is far overblown:

A bored unemployed housewife in a nearly sexless marriage, with a history of philandering, is having an affair. No surprise here.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and intrigue. No surprise here.

The wife seems to be high maintenance with no income, and wants lots of insurance money if you die. No surprise here.

She being alone in your house during the day is perfect for free, accessible, frequent, private, leisurely trysting, with all ammenities, like they were newly married. No surprise here.

That she seems to be an evil intractable liar is characteristic of most cheaters. No surprise here.

In any case she and her AP know the secret is out, which is not good for their planning of a crime, unless they are stupendously stupid.

Mono,

You have mentioned your willingness to reconcile a couple of times. To reconcile you need to have several things in place, things like admittance to the infidelity, no contact and so on. I have listed what’s needed times over the years but this is possibly the very first time I see a need to add one important – PANIMPORTANT – item on the list: You need to be alive!

Worrying about the broken lock. Worrying about her reactions. Worrying about reconciliation… This is not the time nor the place. To use a comparison: If your house was on fire and you had to find a way out to save your life then worrying about the cost of the damage by the fire would not be your main concern.

Maybe we are being melodramatic. Maybe this is all scripted. But as a precaution then follow the steps I suggested. You can skip the one about going to the police, but it is IMPERATIVE that your wife and a third party know (in some form) what you are sharing with us. Once your WW knows she will be the prime suspect then it might make her reconsider.

An e-mail like this:

“Wife. Due to discovering the life insurance has been increased without my knowledge and after learning of your infidelity with OM I have decided to take the following precautions:

A notarized, dated and witnessed document has been sent to the insurance provider stating that in case of my death the beneficiary will be the Old Hound Dog Rescue Shelter.

An envelope containing all I know of the affair has been left with a trusted person. This info contains – amongst other things – detailed descriptions and screen-shots of OM and his acquaintance. This person will deliver the envelope to the police if he can’t reach me or if I am reported missing.”

That’s it. No emotions or threats.

The goal of this notification is simply to make her reconsider any plan to have you snuffed. It’s to make her and OM realize that they won’t get away with murder (pun intended).

IF our suspicions are correct… then she’s been planning this for some time. Your discovery of the affair forces her hand. She and OM and his acquaintance might be speeding things up right this minute. Maybe your WW isn’t home to have an alibi if OM or his friend are planning to off you this morning. Think about it for a minute: Considerable thought and planning has already taken place (as confirmed by the rise in the insurance) and now it’s all falling to pieces.

Or maybe not… Want to risk it?

Go back to my plan. Get out of there NOW. Use today and tomorrow to remove the price-sticker off your head. Your ONLY goal for the next 48 hours is survival.

The roller coaster continues. WW came back early afternoon said she had needed some time alone to think about things and how to get our marriage back (which she wants as well.)

We have a very long conversation with lots of tears and I think a lot of positive signs. I feel for the first time guardedly positive since the recent discovery.

Number one, she apologized thoroughly, said she was disgusted with what she did, and that came across in how she was talking. It felt sincere to me and was accompanied by real tears.

I asked her again for information about who the OM is but it turns out he is married and she doesn't to upend his life for a relationship that is now done. I know the healing library says I should push to know more, but she is adamant that I don't pry if I want to R, and so I am treading lightly on that for now.

I didn't tell her about the video footage of him driving around the compound. I did ask where he lives and she said a long way away (more than an hour). I asked if he ever had a keycard to get in to our development and she said no. (So he must be borrowing someone else's.)

We talked a lot and honestly about what it would take from each of us to R. From my side, I told her how important fidelity would be from here on out, for me to be able to trust her and not have to worry about who she might be with every moment. How much the mind movies of me laying in bed thinking about some other man's seed on my pillow fuck with me.

On her side, she is very concerned with who (if anyone) I've told about any of this. Her need, to stay together, is that this stays totally between us. She is worried that it gets back to her father and/or embarrasses her family in our small suburban town. And that if I tell people, our relationships with them will never be the same (family friends, etc.) She asked if I told anyone in person or online and I said no, though I left out that I've been posting here (though I'm sure she wouldn't care because it's anonymous.)

I had begged her yesterday to get back into marriage counseling with me which we did before but quit because she hated and said she wouldn't come anymore.

Today, she proposed instead some sort of wilderness retreat for healing couples. I am not a big outdoors type (hate camping) but definitely willing to try it if she's bought into it which she seems very much. So we will try that at the end of this week.

After the long conversation and a lot of tears and honesty, she "came onto" me and we ended up having very wild sex, sex we haven't had like ever. She hasn't discovered the bedside lock busting yet as far as I know and I didn't bring it up, but I will say that a romp in the hay does help to clear up some of the cloudiness that I was feeling about R and how we could get there.

I may still go see a lawyer tomorrow (I already told my boss that I need to be out part of tomorrow), but I am at least feeling better than I did this morning, feel like we have made some progress and the woman across from me is the human I thought I married.

One step back, one step forward!

Okay, Monotone. I've done what I can.

I asked her again for information about who the OM is but it turns out he is married and she doesn't to upend his life for a relationship that is now done. I know the healing library says I should push to know more, but she is adamant that I don't pry if I want to R, and so I am treading lightly on that for now.

But her & OM had not problem upending your life ???

On her side, she is very concerned with who (if anyone) I've told about any of this. Her need, to stay together, is that this stays totally between us. She is worried that it gets back to her father and/or embarrasses her family in our small suburban town.

Yet she bought him a ticket on YOUR cruise ???

Today, she proposed instead some sort of wilderness retreat for healing couples.

Like where there are cliffs ? You can get lost - you said yourself your not an outdoorsy person. Do not go into the woods with her. Please.

but I will say that a romp in the hay does help to clear up some of the cloudiness that I was feeling about R and how we could get there.

This is her weapon of choice with you. You said you have only been having sex once a month - dollars to doughnuts that sex was bland & mediocre at best. What better way to make you think she loves you than to blow your mind in the sack ????

Yes please do all the things Bigger & Forged have said. Be safe.

[This message edited by booger bear at 6:52 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Mono don't you find it odd that she cares more about other people finding out about this and how it will change the relationships with these people then how she's been screwing you over for years? On top of that protecting OM?

She knows that if you told anyone else about what's going on it could blow up her plan.

I agree that you should be VERY concerned for your safety!!