SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shocked, this a real tough, miserable time coming up. All you can do is grit your teeth and see it through. Reach out to your friends and family and remember she is the asshole not you. You have kept you marriage vows, she hasn't. For better or worse mean diddly-squat to her.

Develop some outrageous anger; she has seriously wronged you and you need to remind her that she won't be your friend in the future; just a cheating fraud of an ex-wife.

She wants this let her leave her home.

Agree!

You need to stop acting like you are the one who did something wrong. You are the one who seems to be tiptoeing around this situation.

Your wife did it, your wife caused it, now let HER live it with consequences.

Shocked

One of my buddies had his wife cheat on him.

They tried to work it out.

One time they were at one of her workevents and she introduced him by first name only.

He turned to the guy and said " What she left out is that I am her husband who will soon be divorcing her because she cannot keep her legs closed. Before you sleep with her make sure her std checks are up to date because she gave me VD"

He walked out and the next day took the divorce off hold with his attorney.

He found out later that day from one of her coworkers was the guy he said that to was her boss.

She was doing him as well as a few other coworkers.

There was an uproar about all the guys having to go get tested because they all realized she was doing all of them at the same period of time.

She got "laid" off a few months later and wanted to reconcile.

Absolutely nuts.

My friend is now remarried, happy with life.

You will be to.

HM

Shocked she caused this she can move out.

Heck tell her to move in with the boyfriend.

Tell her you will drive her there.

I really don't recommend leaving your home.

Something that I know happened in my situation was that the WS had made unrealistic assumptions and fantasies about riding off into the sunset with her new man and my children.

She imagined, foolishly, that I would simply walk out of her life and my home and leave my children behind whilst happily handing over hundreds of pounds to support the children. She actually told me that she had found a man who was a better father and I was not needed (but I'll have your money, thanks).

She envisaged her new lurrrve living in the family home and that I would live in a small two bedroom apartment and be the absent father that she could openly criticize. She even had the POS come to the family home on several occasions to have family Sunday roasts with the children. She was introducing him to the children and home fully expecting it to be their home. She did this while I stayed at my dads for a few weeks after d day. When I discovered him at my home one Sunday evening, having just spent the entire day with my children, and they were settling down to watch my tv, on my couch, with my cat and my wine and my wife (who hadn't actually told me anything other than 'she needed time to think') I decided there and then that I was keeping the home.

When I told her that this was not going to be the future she had planned she turned nasty. I stayed in the house and refused to let her and him in it ever again. I changed the locks. She sent legal letters and made real efforts to get back in the house even though she had taken everything that belonged to her. The court upheld my decision to not let her in. The court ordered that I could buy the house off her and that I could see my children a lot more often than she fantasised about. The children stay at 'home' when they visit me. This is how it should be. If she wants a new life that means a new house, car, man and financial situation as well. She can't have it all.

She's taken your future and that of your children. She's ruined the nuclear family that you all took for granted. There are consequences.

18 months on and I can assure you that my children very much appreciate the sane, peaceful and consistent home that I provide for them. Everything is the same. It's their constant. They ahev their bikes, karts, toys and old cat. It means the world to them and that means the world to me.

If she wants change, let her go through the stress of moving house. You deserve to stay put.

You are the constant. Not her

I also say DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Something else to consider -

If it comes to that point where the house needs to be sold, YOU will want to be the person who manages that sale with your agent. It's a pain in the ass to do if you aren't in full control of the property and the assets within, AND you have a cake-eating WS who wants to drag their fantasy out at your expense while living in that home.

I've read stories here where the WS have nixed home sales. That was something I talked to my attorney about as a major concern. My attorney convinced the XW and her attorney to do what's called an "owelty lien" in Texas. They may have something like this where you live. Basically, your WW will exchange her equity of the home for a lien on the proceeds from the sale of the home. This gives you full control of the management of selling the home.

I don't want to stay in the house. Too painful for me. This guy was just a fling, I know it's not the man of her dreams. I am not worried about her trying to screw me any more at this point as she is really trying to be amicable. She did get nasty yesterday when I mentioned we need to start splitting accounts. She thought I was cutting her off. I found that interesting. I am guessing within the next month I will be living on my own and we will have decided in schedules with the boys and hopefully most of the finances. If it does turn nasty I am prepared. I met a lawyer but did not officially retain him yet.

She wants to hug me when I leave in the morning for work and sends me emails showing work she has done in school or volunteering. It's as though she still needs validation. If I don't reply I feel amiable divorce will not happen. I just want to die sometimes. This is so horrible.

Shocked, I got all that behavior from my XW also. I will tell you that "amicable" will turn into "contentious" the closer you two get to D being official.

I don't want to stay in the house. Too painful for me.

As was with me. Shit, my XW banged the OM while I was away for a week at my father's funeral! She sent our boys to her parents so she could have the house all to herself. My house was a HUGE trigger for me, but I took advice from a friend that suggested I rearrange all the furniture, paint walls a different color, even had my kids help out and arrange their rooms the way they wanted. We fixed up the place after the XW moved out. Something about that changed the whole dynamic of the house, like I reclaimed it.

She wants to hug me when I leave in the morning for work and sends me emails showing work she has done in school or volunteering. It's as though she still needs validation. If I don't reply I feel amiable divorce will not happen. I just want to die sometimes. This is so horrible.

My XW did the same thing to me. It is what you said, she's fishing for validation. Even worse, she's trying to be the "good person" despite what she did to you. I told my XW to stop and that I didn't need her sympathy. Here's the reality, whether you respond or don't respond, it won't be amicable as you get near the official D date. Right now, she doesn't know what the hell to do. You are actually taking the lead, whether it feels like it or not, and your WW will constantly hover you to find out where you are. Stay on the 180 as best you can.

Also, take the emotion out of this situation as much as you can and look at what you can get most out of this D within the law, then use that as your starting point to negotiate in mediation. Remember, you didn't do this, she did.

She wants to hug me when I leave in the morning for work and sends me emails showing work she has done in school or volunteering. It's as though she still needs validation.

She probably needs it more now than she did before the affair.

I thought she was the one that wanted a divorce. Has she changed now and doesn't want a divorce?

She will turn nasty... bet on it. The only questions are how nasty and for how long?

Protect yourself. Don't move out of that house brother, it could affect your custody claim. Kick her cheating ass out until it's sold. Tell her nicely. Make it seem as though you'll take her back if she gets out for a while.

You still haven't found your anger. Let those "mind movies" you have about her cheating fuel it. You must protect yourself.

If she doesn't turn nasty you can give us all a big "I told you so".

When does reality set in?

Usually, reality sets in when the affair ends. Then the idiotic false fog lifts. Usually when real life enters the situation.

When I say affair ends...I mean really ends. Non of this missing the OM, missing the affair, taking it underground or the sickening we are just friends now crap.

I meant reality for me. When we finally file papers?

Oh...I am not sure. I did not get divorce.

Try thinking positive, towards a very positive new future. All the great things you can do once this is not hanging over your head.

Maybe even start a new hobby, going to where your friends hang out, basically becoming a new you again.

With those things going on, reality might not hit you so hard.

i am very sorry that this has happend. but everything you are being advised of here is right on POINT.

I WISH i had listend to the people on SI when i first learned of my husband's cheating...and followed the information in the healing library no matter what. it is there for a reason.

be strong...and FIRM. i know it is so hard. but you must. she is a wayward in deep affair fog. there is nothing you can do for her now at this point except protect yourself. being nice is your enemy right now.

i would put her out...and do a serious 180.

believe NOTHING she says.

we are here for you.

You are just beginning to see nasty.

I guess since you haven't mentioned it that you are doing this without an attorney.

Let me just state this very bluntly. That is DUMB. She is NOT interested in being fair. She is going to try to fuck you out of your house your kid and your retirement and if you believe anything other than that you are going to lose.

Do not leave your home even if you don't want it. It has to do with custody.

I was re-reading the texts last night I guess because I am a sucker for more abuse. I stopped after 10 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. But I didn't sleep well again and just have a pit in my stomach.

I am going to start filling out the paperwork I guess today and stop by the new place and get that signed up so I can move out in a month. I am just sick. I understand I had a role in the marriage not working and I accept that. It's just so hard to stop the battle.

Not having a good day today.

DON'T MOVE OUT!

Talk to a lawyer first. The lawyer will likely tell you not to "abandon the matrimonial home". It is a bad move, man.

You must get tough, now! You will get through this, but you will have to live with the manner in which you get through it for YEARS, so do it right.

Ask a lawyer about moving out before you do it.

DON'T MOVE OUT! Please.

Shocked if you move out without discussing with a lawyer you could be screwing yourself.

You are in shock.

Slow down please and get legal advice.

Dude, you may think that living in another dwelling is gonna somehow soften this blow. It won’t. Currently you can see everything that’s going on in your house … and currently you can control much of those things. If you leave you’ll surrender whatever advantage that is for you. For what? To feel less pain? You won’t feel less pain rather you’ll feel worse b/c you’ll realize that you’ve given a large piece of control to her and you’ll realize that there’s nothing you can do about it. You think you feel anxious now - its nothing like the anxieties you’ll feel when you’ve given your home to her.

If you’re certain that D is eminent then suck it up for a while, stay where you are, sign D papers and let the attorneys duke it out. You don’t need to be an asshole to her now or in the future but you absolutely need to protect what you have, and that includes your house. Stay in your house, dude!