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The grief is dependent on her level of remorse. There is the initial period when all the hormones subside, and then its up to remorse or regret(that its over) that determines this.

In your plans for separation, give it a time period. This will give you both a measure of time to work on, and gauge whether the relationship is indeed salvageable.

paboy, yeah. I am seeing that now.

I'm reading the 180 again, because I'm doing a version of the pick me dance once again.

And yes, she's at that point when reality has hit her, and she seems remorseful. She has her own IC.

Time will tell.

[This message edited by PeriodicZen at 8:32 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Besides stop being a Stay at Home Dad, and getting a job to get financial and personal independence, what else do you suggest?

This is your main priority. There's nothing to save here. You need to understand that fully. Most just don't want to "get it".

This is who she is. You could spend a lifetime trying to fix her and still fail.

Get a plan to go your own way and follow it to the letter.

I would find out who her other man is and inform his wife. It'll get you some closure

I am so sorry for the new discovery. Do what is best for you. Divorce seems like the right choice. I would only say tell her why. Tell you know about AP2 and it doesn't matter now because now you will go through with divorce.

As the SAHP, you have a right to withdraw from the bank account. Take out half today. Do you have family or friends you and your little human could stay with? I know you said there are grandparents in the picture- is that her family or yours? You can also apply for assistance- for food/money as you have no income and are separated you should qualify.

Damn PZ. She's following the same MO. She is one messed up, bizarre, sick person. I have it in my mind that she wanted your child to have been fathered by the previous OM.

You said you weren't on the lease. It many states you still have a right to stay there. She would have to formally evict you. I don't know if NC has that protection.

Did you atty previously give you a dollars and cents breakdown of what D would look like for you? That can be a starting point for your plan.

She got better at hiding things. You got way, way better at detecting (not a skill anyone should ever have to acquire).

I would confront her, conditioned on your having established a legal right to stay there. Confront, expose, hard 180, ducks in a row and execute your plan. Make it clear that the paternity of her next pregnancy will not be in doubt. Try to download the contents of the ovulation app.

All props to you for saving yourself and your child.

I am so sorry. Please start looking at options to self-support. She may be pregnant and not by you. Do you want that?

I was looking at her actions lately, today, and all is consistent. She is simply planning her exit while I take care of the kid.

She is an extremely good liar. Her personality changes according to whoever she's talking to. I might read on the NPD thread.

Right now she's arrogant, seemingly sure that I haven't found her trick.

So, I don't want to confront before having a place to live and a separation agreement with custody in my hand. This woman is a scary person right now.

I hate to ask this question, but do you know for sure 100% that your first child is yours?

Is it possible that she has no plan to leave you she just wants you to raise other men's children???

Horrible thoughts, but this is not the women you thought she was!

Wow. That's a hell of an update. I'm so so sorry. It hurts enough once, and you didn't deserve a second helping of this.

I want to say that I’m surprised by your update, but I’m not. The way she went about everything showed that she has no respect at all for you & truly gives zero fucks. It was obvious from your initial post that getting pregnant by another man is her goal. I definitely agree that it’s time for you to start prepping yourself for financial independence from her. Also, definitely DNA the kid if you haven’t already. Sorry for your pain, but at least now you see the truth and can plan accordingly.

I was looking at her actions lately, today, and all is consistent. She is simply planning her exit while I take care of the kid.

She is an extremely good liar. Her personality changes according to whoever she's talking to. I might read on the NPD thread.

Right now she's arrogant, seemingly sure that I haven't found her trick.

So, I don't want to confront before having a place to live and a separation agreement with custody in my hand. This woman is a scary person right now.

You have rights. Alimony, child support plus 50/50 split of assets. Getting a job right now will cut that down.

See an attorney and file now

Double post

[This message edited by Marz at 2:40 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

I’m sorry.

I think you only have one course if action. First thing on Monday,talk to a lawyer and file. Hopefully this will shake her world and force her to come clean or leave, which it seems like you believe she is planning on doing anyway.

And now for heart wrenching part.... I think it is safe to say you need to have paternity test done. It will show her that this is just how little you trust her.

Good luck

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 2:42 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Seadoug105, 2018MLMM, I have been looking at DNA paternity tests for the kid. I love my kid, though, and don’t want her to bring another man in the mix, if that’s the case, so I might make that in private lab.

Hi PZ

I’m so sorry this additional level of infidelity has been thrust upon you. I was so hopeful things were headed in the right direction.

I remember your lawyer told you that separation only started when you physically started living in another location. In house separation did not count. Have you gotten someone to independently verify that? I’m assuming it’s true but perhaps a second opinion is in order.

In addition, you say you rent and your WW is the lease holder. Makes sense as she is the bread winner. Is it an apartment complex? If so, perhaps you can talk to the leasing office about trading in a 2 bedroom for two 1 bedroom places. A 1 bedroom with your DS would be tight but it would only be until you get that job and can afford more.

Also two apartments would cost more but not twice as much and maybe dip into savings for six months to make it happen. And your WW’s paycheck may not be fully maxed right now. She could always lower 401k withholding to make this happen.

You are the SAHD and therefore have rights and she has to continue supporting Even during and after the D.

I know you have been working with the lawyer for a month or two. Do they have a separation agreement ready and drawn up and available to serve at your notice? That would be important to get done this week.

Have you met her IC? Has she brought you into a session before? I was wondering if that was a safer place to have the exposure discussion. Maybe not, but if you had been going jointly with her occasionally that might work.

I’d almost recommend separating before you get a job as her required support may be higher than if you have one. But ask your lawyer about that.

Finally get the DNA test but don’t tell your WW. Keep that for your own knowledge. And some day for your son if there is another man involved. But he is your son, DNA match or not. He’ll need your Love no matter what the outcome.

Strength to you.

Her actions are extremely hateful. Not just mildly selfish. You need to get divorced before she gets pregnant with these tactics.

You can recover from a financial meltdown. You cannot as easily escape this evil woman financially or otherwise if you continue. Exit now.

I'm making an appointment with my doctor to have the kid tested, and that's why the urgency to get out of here.

And yeah, before, it was simply an A that might have sounded alarms regarding an unstable marriage. And she seemed remorseful.

Now, it is way worse: lies, deceit and using an A to cover the tracks of another!