SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im really struggling with wanting to pay this guy a visit to have a little face to face,man to man talk. I know exactly where he lives and know what car he drives. He lives in a scuzzy apartment. I know its not a good idea and things could turn bad very fast but I dont know if I can control myself. I have to drive past that parking lot where he was screwing her on my way to and from work everyday. It drives me insane. I have 23 years invested with this woman. More than half my life. Our home,the kids,vacations,the ups and downs,and so many special memories all gone in a blink of an eye. I have good days and bad but today Im really having a hard time.

Can you change your route so you don't have to pass by there?

Do you really want to spend the weekend in either the jail or the hospital? I get the feelings and the anger at the AP, but that anger should be directed towards your WW. She had a bazillion opportunities to say no or do something different but she picked cheating. Frankly, the AP could have been anybody.

Those special memories aren't toast. Tarnished a bit, but still there. When you and the children did XYZ, were you happy, sad, frustrated, laughing? You were authentically experiencing those emotions and functioning with the truth you had at that time.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Infidelity is the worst.

You need to get ahold of yourself. If that was him taunting you from the spoofed phone numbers (likely) then he would love nothing better than to have a reason to call 911 and press whatever charges he can.

The more I read on SI the more I think the only way to true R is that the WS NEVER treated the bs with contempt or gaslit/tt for months. Those behaviors show contempt. To me that kind of cruelty is death to a relationship.
If your wife lied to you for months making you feel stupid then she went after your sense of self worth.
Please stop asking her why she cheated/chose him. She wanted to. There is no other reason.

The more I read on SI the more I think the only way to true R is that the WS NEVER treated the bs with contempt or gaslit/tt for months. Those behaviors show contempt. To me that kind of cruelty is death to a relationship. If your wife lied to you for months making you feel stupid then she went after your sense of self worth.

She cheated/chose him because she wanted to. There is no other reason.

Who people are in the depths of their souls are people whose lives should feel great joy. Their lives should give them a feeling of control over themselves. Anyone who abuses that inner self, that joyful person is not kind. Kindness always thinks of others. They unconsciously live by the fear of causing unintended consequences…of others having to pay for their selfish behaviors. Look at how she treats you on a daily basis. Is it done with kindness?

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:21 PM, Friday, March 15th]

Im really struggling with wanting to pay this guy a visit to have a little face to face,man to man talk.

That’s fraught with peril, but also can be therapeutic. I did it.

Do it in public. Don’t do it angry (I know…). Don’t do it to get answers from him. You wanting anything from him offers leverage. Do it only to be heard, to let him know that you and he both know what an eternal POS he is. A one way conversation. Give him nothing more. No look what you did to our family, etc. Just the message. You’re a POS. Then leave.

I am guessing your wife is a great example of not looking to be with someone else, but instead looking to be someone else.

Not gonna lie. It would feel amazing to smash his face in.

But that feeling would be temporary.

Long term consequences...you will be arrested. He would play victim. She would run to him to make sure he was ok. She would then control the narrative, and tell everyone you're abusive. It may affect you getting custody of your son. It may limit your time with your daughter. And he may,out of spite, be there for your wife,and move into your home,once you're gone,and play step daddy to the kids. He hates you. Think he'll be nice to the kids? Not a chance.

Worth it? Nope.

That 👆is probably what would actually happen, plus a restraining order and civil lawsuit that will also cost you.

It’s your WW that burned you. SHE let the enemy through the gates. If it wasn’t him, it would have been any other infinite number of random bottom feeding parasites who are literally out there just lined up for an opportunity to score some NSA sex. It’s absolutely pointless to focus any energy, any mind space in his direction. Your beef is with her.

Rather than hostility or hate for the AP, go with indifference. Indifference signals contempt, which hurts more than palpable hatred. Contempt cuts at the very root of our identity and our self-respect. The AP is beneath consideration, he’s worthless, not worth a single thought of yours, not even scorn.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:53 AM, Saturday, March 16th]

Ok I got to be honest with you guys and come clean about something. I have been having sex with my wife lately just about every night.

In a way, you’ve both been having sex with a different spouse. Think about it.

As RealityBlows notes, you are being "gifted" with a look behind the curtain of human nature, if you choose to accept it. A dark gift, for sure. I’d raise Bigger’s number to 99 out of 100 for self-esteem being the root motivator.

Don’t just look at your WW, look at yourself. Why does it hurt that she cheated? Her motivation and your pain likely come from a similar place.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:46 PM, Saturday, March 16th]

Be careful you're still in the denial phase and go through the emotional cycles.

Ok I got to be honest with you guys and come clean about something. I have been having sex with my wife lately just about every night. Im still disgusted with her but I figure shes there why not? The sex has been amazing. Shes so guilty that shes eating out of the palm of my hand. Its passionate and were trying new things we've never done before.
We still fight alot and life is miserable outside the bedroom. We cant seem to agree on anything and shes looking to rugsweep the affair. Im still looking to divorce because I would trust a rattlesnake before I would trust her. Part of me feels like Im trying to hold on to what we had before all this happened. We both went for SDT tests waiting on results. Keep you posted.

You think you are using her but don't be too sure of it, she's using you. Watch out.

After my WW'S A's came to light, I was completely knocked off balance and experience a wide range of contradictory emotions, sometimes simultaneously. It was like I had two different operating systems functioning at the same time.

We had sex often after Dday, but it wasn't based on any kind of love or attraction on either end. Look up hysterical bonding. Its normal rraction to infidelity.

For her, she was love bombing me as she was desperate to keep her comfortable world intact. I was just using her for release and I was no longer attracted to her in any of the ways I was before. The love was gone. I've posted before about how I viewed her, so I won't do that here. But sufficed to say, she had a momentary function and that's it.

Were we using each other? Sure, but only one of us had agency in creating this situation, while both had agency in continuing it. I also knew I could not be in a relationship where I found my partner repulsive. I tried the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach, but it turns out that I need authenticity too much. In the end, I filed and moved on. I'd love to say I lived happily ever after, but if you've read my threads, not so much. But what I found have is peace and truth. Those are huge for me.

So don't feel guilty for acting and reacting in a completely normal way to a situation that you have been thrust into by the one person on this earth that ought to have had your back.

I actually had a 15 minute conversation with the affair partner yesterday. I sent him a text "Give me a call,I just want to talk no yelling or screaming,just call me" and to my surprise he did. I want to note that after we had our last conversation with the yelling and screaming he sent me the following text " pussy was decent,eventually she'll want me to stop using rubbers". So I know it was 100% him.
He denied everything,denied knowing her,said I got the wrong guy,ect,ect.
I let him know the devistating effect of his actions and how he destroyed my family. How my kids are screwed up from all this. How my daughter has panic attacks,how my son cries and screams and curls up in the fetal position. He hates his mom and calls her a whore. He continued to deny and said he would never sleep with a married woman. What a lying coward.
My wife even said it was him and that she showed him pictures of me. He said "wow thats a big motherfucker what would he do if he found out"? My wife said he would kill you. Im planning on calling him back later with my wife present on speaker phone and getting to the bottom of this.
No wonder they had such a connection 2 pathological liars and cowards what a perfect match.

getting to the bottom of this…2 pathological liars and cowards

The second statement guarantees you’re not gonna be satisfied with the first statement. But it should be entertaining.

I can speak from personal experience Nothing good will come from slapping "Ol' Wrinkle Dick" around. You invite a whole host of unneeded problems. I certainly did.

And, you’re making yourself vulnerable to him, by granting him an audience.

He can strike right to the core and cut you to the bone with just words. You will never be able to unhear the shit that he can say to you. It doesn’t even have to be true, at all.

You will only believe the hurtful things he will say to you, and never quite believe the good or reassuring things he might say to you.

No good can come from granting The Devil an audience. Your WW has already let him into the sanctity of the marriage, do not give him access into your headspace. Protect that last unspoiled domain you still have absolute control over.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:40 PM, Sunday, March 17th]

Hey OP. I can unde4stand your anger towards the AP,but might I suggest it is misdirected. It's safer to be angry at a stranger than to be angry at the one who vowed to have our back. The AP was a thing, an appliance whom YOUR WW used to get what she wanted. By directing your anger towards the AP,you are directing it away from the o e who actually betrayed you.

Toby

It’s early days and you are showing some very typical reactions I think most men would experience after d-day. One being the typical determination to divorce, yet the immense need to understand and even reclaim your wife.

I’m a big advocate of action. It honestly doesn’t bother me if you eventually reconcile or if you divorce. It’s all based on what you want, and what you are offered. To me the only bad outcome would be if you and your wife tried to rugsweep and after a couple of months of huffing and puffing you are still together without ever getting to the bottom of what happened. Remaining in infidelity.

Friend – What you have gone through is a MAJOR TRAUMA. Like… BIG.
I am – with the strongest of words I can – going to encourage you to seek some help. A good trauma-specialist, an IC, MD… heck… a shrink or priest or rabbi or whatever might fit your needs. Basically someone that can listen to you, maybe even teach you some coping tactics, maybe even give you some little yellow pills to help with the anxiety or sleep…
Maybe even a friend that’s willing to drag you along for 5 mile runs.
Maybe a friend that takes you to the driving range.

Your goal right now could be simply to be able to sleep. Be able to eat (healthy) and keep hydrated. To be able to look at your situation in a detached, logical way rather than controlled by rage and fear. Yes – we ALL experience fear at d-day.
Give this a run, and chances are that whatever you decide – R or D – you will be happier with your decision.

Guys Im not doing so well. I quit my job the other day I went in and couldnt handle the pressure with everything going on. I freaked out,cleaned out my desk and walked out. I talked to the owner of the company about coming back he said he needs a few weeks to think about it. I got an interview tomorrow morning with another company though. Sitting around the house is not serving me well. Im really struggling to function. I have good days and bad days but mostly bad days.
My wife and I are pretty much friends with benefits roomates at this point. Crazy sex everynight but I am finding myself resenting her more and more everyday. She refuses to discuss the affair if I bring it up its "I know!!! You dont have to repeat the same thing over and over,Im sorry"!!! Let it go!!! That doesnt cut it for me due to the extreme/disgusting nature of her actions as well as the months of lies and deception. She's living her life and not missing a beat life as usual for her while I sit here and suffer. Im the only one still suffering it seems. Im trying to hold on to my old life but it's gone. She's still here the kids are still here but its not the same. I don't think I love her anymore and I'll never trust her one bit ever again so whats left?

Sounds like she wants to rugsweep. My guess, from the comments she has said, is that she cannot reconcile here view of herself with her actions and so she shuts down the dialogue. Classic cognitive dissonance. The sex, well, the HB has been brought up enough. It's a response to trauma. Normal stuff.

What concerned me was quitting your job. It's as if you are desperately looking for that one thing that will make the pain go away. Man, I get it. But if there is a truism, it is this. If you want to get passed the pain, you gotta go through it. It's a tough, hard slog, and we are with you.

You don't love her, you don't trust her, what's next? That's easy. You close this chapter of your life and begin writing a new one. Now you just have to find a way to get that done...

Please take care of you. You’ve received good advice. See a trauma specialist trained to handle infidelity cases. Great advice from Bigger. Read and re-read his post. Hang in there.