SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It was appraised about 2 or 3 weeks ago..

I'm not sure I can force the sale of the house???

Can I?

I will ask my attorney.

I have to be honest, I'm not sure I want to do that. That means 3 real estate transactions...selling the house would be easy...then we have two purchases to worry about...I don't know what to do. I'll ask my attorney.

Just sucks all around. After witnessing the way houses are going last week I've hit another low.

I'm in CT...I looked at a house priced at $300,000. It was a dump. Shitty formica countertops, all the carpeting is ruined, the wood floors needed refinish and/or replacing everywhere...all of the bathroom fixtures were terribly stained, the kitchen sink was put in by an amateur...there was literally caulk smeared on the countertop around the sink.

And to top it all off...you could smell the septic tank while standing in the yard...bids were already above asking price!!!

I can't even afford 300k...you should see the houses in the 250k range I've seen so far

WTF? So disappointing. I'm stuck living in the house with the person I love most in this world while she periodically visits her boyfriend. IHS really is a special kind of hell.

I don't know how I'm going to do it over the next few weeks...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 10:57 AM, April 24th (Saturday)]

I believe some states allow money gifted from a relative and kept separately, not co-mingled, to be considered to be non-marital assets. Worth asking the attorney.

Also, an appraisal today would likely be higher than even one done last month.

Rather than chase prices higher it might make sense to look for a rental arrangement in the same school district with a house-rich empty nester elderly couple or widow who could use some cash-flow and occasional able-bodied assistance. Depending on frailty level, those folks (and their adult kids who don’t live nearby) would also appreciate there being someone around 24/7 to keep an eye on them short of having to pay for much less frequent home visits by a stranger from an agency.

Also, by not buying, you’d be free to relocate anywhere. Certainly after the second high-school graduation but possibly before then, depending on your girls’ sense of adventure and desire to spend time with their Mom.

then we have two purchases to worry about..

This is EXACTLY the mentality you need to break out of.

Why TWO purchases to worry about? You will be DIVORCED and that leads to YOUR worries and HER worries.

YOU will have ONE purchase to worry about!

If your wife decides to take her share and buy a house-boat it wouldn’t be of any concern to you.

You don’t want to sell the house? Well… to go back to the burning building comparison: you don’t WANT the house to burn. But it is. The house is sold as part of divorce, because divorce is the process of dividing debts and assets.

If you are still in the fantasy world of thinking divorce is a great way to reconcile…

Well… you have two options IMHO.

You already mentioned one poster and questioned why you can’t be as “decisive” as he is. You could do what he’s doing and convert you loft or cellar as a separate apartment. Then you just hope that your then-ex-wife who wasn’t willing to work on the marriage will be willing to work on a new romantic relationship with you.

Or you can blindly accept that she get’s the home and hope she falls back madly in love with you.

If neither sound great then get your feet back to the real world and realize and accept what divorce really is.

[This message edited by Bigger at 1:05 PM, April 24th (Saturday)]

As you know, I am also looking for a house (and I feel ya).

What I'm being told by friends/family in RE or looking is that the appraisers cannot keep up with the crazy sales. My DS is freaking out bc even IF he gets a seller to accept an offer, the appraisals may be based on sales that occurred 2 weeks ago, 4 weeks ago, 4 months ago, which don't reflect the actual price/ft2 that is happening TODAY.

So, unfortunately, bc the market is so freaking crazy, there really isn't any way to know what your house would sell for unless/until you sell it.

While I think this would be a shitty thing to do to a realtor, you could put it on the market and see what kind of offers you get and then decide if you really want to sell or not (you'd have to fine tooth comb the agreement with the realtor). Just an idea.

Talk to your lawyer. And I agree with bigger - thinking that it's somehow wrong to have to deal with two contracts (selling yours and buying yours - you don't have to deal with THREE, bc her buying hers is HER problem) is not helping YOU. And the resentment you are already building will come back and bit you in the backside.

I'm not so much worried about her purchase...however I'm concerned anything she does to delay or fuck up her purchase could put the sale in jeopardy or delay the sale.

This was mostly just a rant...it's 99% likely i will be buying and she will be staying. Next court date less than 2 weeks away...could be close to a final divorce decree.

Currently homes in hot markets go way above appraisals, you are far better off forcing a bidding situation to occur.

Force the issue to protect yourself.

Honestly, I would sell while the market is high and rent until I figured out whether we're in another housing bubble. It's only been about a decade since the last one, and I remember not being able to sell my house for a year and a half after the bubble popped. If I'd sold high, I might have made 100k and then just sat on it until I could buy low. Maybe your WW doesn't want to live in an apartment, but she should have thought about that while she was traveling to see her boyfriend, right? Not your problem. And your kids will get over it. A little adversity is good for youngsters. Makes them strong.

Why not make an appointment and talk to a financial advisor? I think the money spent looking it over carefully might save you some in the end. If this is a housing bubble and you buy high, no telling how many years you'll be stranded in CT.

Blahblahblahe

I put the request into the attorney to see if I can force a sale. I'm still not sure if that's the best option. I'll talk to her about it.

CT

I'm finding out the hard way how inflated things are...based on what I have looked at so far my house would go for wayyyyy more than the appraised value. There is a house one street over for sale listed at 30k higher than my appraisal. Similar house...and it's a dump...there's woodpecker holes in the wood siding.

Also, I work for a financial advisor...he's in his mid 60s and has been doing this for almost 40 years...I've poured over the numbers with him, stared at the spreadsheets for hours...adjusted and readjusted the budget over and over again. The problem is the real estate market, I can't change it.

It's such a horrible situation. I want my kids to stay in the school system, but there is nothing to rent in town that is suitable for 3 people. Literally nothing...and some of the apartment rentals in surrounding towns are more than I'm budgeting for a mortgage payment, it's outrageous. Even so...I would snatch a rental in town to try to wait out the bubble if one comes up. I could get an apartment near my town (surrounding towns), but so far the decent ones are a few hundred above my budgeted mortgage payment...I'm having a hard time jiving that in my head. Even apartments are outrageously priced.

Big problem is my sanity and health...I'm starting to think liquidating half my IRA is better than living like this much longer...it's been a year...a GD year! I can't live like this. I'm down 40 lbs from this time last year and that's not good. After the last Friday incident I lost 5 lbs. The stress is going to kill me...I'm going to have a mental breakdown or I'm going to get sick.

Of course the financial advisor says, DO NOT LIQUIDATE YOUR IRA.

I appreciate the input. I'm alone in this decision and will probably second guess myself for the rest of my life. So the input here gives me ideas and food for thought.

I'm wondering about the housing bubble? Covid-19 is driving people out of the cities. Also, more folks are working from home. So this may last...just imagine another outbreak. I'm hearing the rent prices in New York city are plummeting.

Oh, and CT...I hear you about the rental and kids.

I may have said it in previous posts, but my parents divorced when I was 5.

I lived in 4 different crappy apartments until the end of high school. Had to change schools. But my mother loved us and she was happy. I'm doing OK...I think the changing schools fucked me up a little (hard to make new friends when you're as shy as I am)...but I'm generally OK. I have always been happy until a year ago.

Avoid one common mistake people make when divorcing:

Do not base the future on the present.

Like you have two late-teenage kids…

Their input on where they want to be post-divorce will weigh heavily. Furthermore enforcement of them spending every other week with you will be hard – if they don’t want it and if their mom allows it. Goes the other way round too! If they prefer being at your place then that’s where they might stay.

Chances are they will be away for college soon, and possibly have rather limited time in either your or your ex wife’s future homes. It’s more somewhere to stay during holidays and summer.

OK – I’m not stating this to be pessimistic. The same would apply even if you had the ideal marriage. It’s called “life” and is what happens with time.

What I’m suggesting is that you base any future home-purchase on what meets your needs for the next 10 years rather than the next 3 years. [IMHO you generally need to reside in a purchased home for a minimum of 3 years simply to sell it without a loss, just to cover fees and moving costs].

For example: Need a home-office and a study? Well… MAYBE you can do without both or either and use those areas for the girl’s bedrooms. Once DD1 is off to college you have a home-office. Might save you $$$ rather than buying that extra bedroom that will be empty storage in 5 years. MAYBE convert the garage or the store-room into a home-office if the dining-area tends to get noisy. MAYBE using one of their rooms the weeks they are with Mom for an office and the nearest Starbucks or library for the weeks they are with you.

Need to be in the same school-area until they finish high-school? MAYBE renting for 3 years is the best bet. Who knows… maybe your ex meets a new man and relocates to next town, or next school area or to Mongolia or whatever. It’s not in your hands. Heck… you might even meet that nice Mongolian babe and want to relocate…

Divorce is hard. It’s the shattering of what you foresaw as your future. You can either chose to continue to hang on to that future or use this as a point to create your own vision. I encourage you to do the later.

I put the request into the attorney to see if I can force a sale. I'm still not sure if that's the best option. I'll talk to her about it.

Or force her to raise her payout to you by insisting on a payout based upon the comparative home sales in your market.

If a house goes for 30k over asking and it is a dump, then insist on a bump of 50k in the price of the house (NET 25K for you).

[This message edited by blahblahblahe at 8:15 PM, April 25th (Sunday)]

Ugh... you are really in a pickle. Hopefully, something will turn up. But honestly, I wouldn't hesitate to look in nearby towns and do a bit of commuting if necessary. You're starting a new life, right? Don't let the old one tie you down. Your kids might just as easily decide they want to be with you more often. Who knows. But I can tell you this as someone whose kids are grown. Don't plan around them. They'll be living their own lives before you know it.

Daniel-

Based on my state, you can force a sale of the marital home. If she wants the home, she can stay, but she has to buy you out. It gets appraised now, and I would highly suggest that you do a new appraisal now, based on current home prices.

If she cannot afford to buy you out, you have the option to buy her out. The judge is not going to decide who gets to stay and who has to leave, you and the WW will decide that. And it comes down to one thing, money. Whoever pays the most will get the house. In the event that neither of you want to purchase the home, it will be sold.

One way or another, there will be a sale, to either one of you, or to someone new.

Here is the one thing I wanted to mentioned. If the house is in your name, you can sell it and split the proceeds with the WW based on the sale price, but that does not mean you cannot somehow come up with a solution to do a "Lease Back" for a period of time. Because the home market is so hot, you can put in the terms that you need a rental/lease back of the property for 6 months to a 1 yr. I'm sure you can find a buyer with those terms. That will allow you to stay in the home and rent it back from the new owner for say a year and then hopefully the market cools enough next year for you to get into something. At the very lease, you get her out of the house. The Sale Lease back option is a very good strategy in my mind for you.

It'll save you the move, but you're getting top dollar now for the house, and by the way, the maintenance shifts to the new buyer. Something breaks, its on them. You get to stay put, and you get her to leave. NO more IHS.

Just bought a house!!!!!

I'm barely going to be able to afford it, and I'm going to have to liquidate IRA assets...

BUT

I'm getting out of infidelity.

The weight that just came off my shoulders is immense...I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight I'm so excited.

It's been a year of hell. A fucking year of hell...absolute hell. Did I mention it was hell?

That indescribably intense feeling of dread, despair, jealousy,and sadness that washes over you on dday is something that no one should have to experience. I feel like today is the first day of recovery from that...it's downhill from here (I hope).

ETA - this is how hot real estate is right now...this house was literally listed 10 hours ago...it had several showings today...it was wayyyy over priced...I offered 10k under asking and I got it...they signed the deal tonight. Someone pinch me.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 8:51 PM, April 26th (Monday)]

Congratulations! That’s awesome!

Congratulations!!!

It’s the old “how do you eat an elephant” routine again: Once piece at a time.

You just bit off, chewed and swallowed a really big chunk of your elephant!

Congratulations!

Congratulations thats a big step in the right direction. In my experience once the house was sorted i felt so much better.

Congratulations! I hope this helps you on the road to find some peace.

Congratulations! on the purchase

Now go get the other 25K from your exwife in real valuation reflecting the market for your current house.