SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this affair that you stumbled upon is just the tip of the iceberg.

He told me that there had been others in the past and it’s been going on for 6 years that he has urges to seek intimacy with others.

Did you record the discussion? This is an important aspect that should be part of his revelation to his parents. His been undermining your marriage for more than six years and it has finally collapsed.

Your mission this weekend, should be to shut down the current affair and expose him to his parents. You cannot continue to live in the same house covering up for him with his parents.

His parents still don’t know and what I found out last night being that he has a sex addict problem I don’t know if his parents at this age can take the heartache.

You are not the cause of any heartbreak, their son is. It's entirely possible that will dig deep, forgive him and question why you weren't a good enough wife to keep him from behaving like that.

I told him to tell her he is married but refuse to because she is not a rational person because she might come to harm me and/or baby.

He doesn't get to refuse anything you tell him he needs. The truth is he's in love with her and doesn't want to tarnish her view of him. Go through your phone records, identify the number and call her today. Tell her that you are his wife, that he started her affair with her while you were pregnant and that it's over. Be prepared for her to tell you that he told her he would marry her. Also, know that your call will not end it. He will probably call to do damage control and to keep it up.

He's told you all the thing cheaters think their BS want to here: he'll change for you, he wants you more, etc. Nothing he says can be believed. He'll give you all the passwords today and open new accounts next week. He'll ask you find a counselor then get too busy to go. He'll ask you what he has to do rather than doing any reading on his own.

The marriage that began with high school sweethearts is over and you need to be sure to nail the coffin. Consult with a lawyer asap and make an interim plan for you and the baby. If he wants a new marriage with you, he has to figure out how to make that happen on his own.

If the OW is the kind of lunatic who might harm you and your baby, how is it that he "loves her"?? You can't assume that everything he's told you is the truth. Certainly, he wasn't telling you the truth before while he was sneaking off to Florida. But putting that aside, he needs to be telling you ANYTHING you ask. He no longer gets to be the arbitrator of what you're allowed to know.

As far as being a "sex addict" goes... only a well-qualified CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) can make that determination. There are all sorts of personality disorders and behavioral issues which include poor impulse control in their diagnostic criteria. In any event, you'd be dealing with a situation which needs specialized treatment and a good support network, which brings us to the question of his parents.

Just how old and frail are they anyway? I do think that young people make assumptions about what kind of discomfort aging parents and grandparents can tolerate. As long as we're not suffering dementia and can understand the facts involved, we've pretty much seen worse in our time on earth and we resent being kept in the dark. How is this support network supposed to work when no one knows and no one can hold the "addict" accountable???

I'm also wondering where YOUR parents stand in all of this. What kind of support network to you have? Recovery from an intimate betrayal is a long process and we can't go it alone. You need people in your real life who can be there for you, prop you up, and keep you grounded. We are good, here at SI, but we're not enough. It takes reengaging with your real life to keep you active and healing.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You should be fully immersed at the beginning of starting a family, content and happy. Infidelity is so unfair. But I want you to know that you WILL be alright. Whether you eventually R or D, you're looking at a group numbering in the tens of thousands who have made it through. It feels impossible while we're at the start of that journey, but we get there, day by day and step by step. You will too.

((hugs))

At the doc office right now for his test and also for myself as I have lost my voice not from screaming at him but from the ugly screaming cry I had in the past few days. Yesterday was the one that did it and I woke up without a voice. Checking with the doc to make sure it’s not an infection since I have to care for my son. He’s breaking it off today on facetime and I will be there to hear the conversation. She lives in FL working as a manager in a makeup store and she comes to visit nyc for fun. He met her at a bar he was at during a after work event where when everyone left he stayed later looking to fulfill his urge to seek intimacy with someone that is not me. He wasn’t look for a one night stand but a relationship which I find odd why didn’t our relationship fulfill him. I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will. He will be giving me all his accounts including his online profiles like insta, Snapchat, etc today

The kneejerk reaction at the "Just Found Out" stage is to try and repair the status quo. Beware of offering R too soon. He needs to EARN it. Your old marriage is over. He destroyed it, so you don't owe him anything at this point. So, think of it as an impromptu divorce. He needs to be the kind of person you'd say 'yes' to... before you say 'yes' again. Does that make sense to you?

I just want to come there and hug you right now! These initial days and months after discovery are just so awful!

You are doing a super job so far! And your H has given you a good amount information already - but I am sure there is much more to come!

I just want you to know that you don't have to make any decisions about your future at this stage. I gave myself a good year before I fully committed to reconsiliation. So just know that you can move forward, even if your H is doing every right, and still decide that you can't reconcile with him at any time. You are the one in control right now....

So he trolled for the OW in a bar. I wonder if any of his co-workers saw him take off his wedding ring?

And he was looking for a “relationship,” not a ONS, presumably because he already had 4 or 5 years of prior affairs and prostitutes under his belt. So he knew his preferences and proceeded with deliberation. Do you recognize this side of him?

And, please, from this day forward never let him sanitize what he did by calling it “urges for intimacy with others.” This is not like having to pull off the road in the woods because nature is urgently calling and there is no time to get somewhere more appropriate. This was PLANNED and carefully covered up.

This is what he needs IC for.

[This message edited by Odonna at 12:20 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

He should have given you the login information to all of his accounts upon confrontation. Trust that he is sanitizing those accounts now. He is deleting everything incriminating. Which is a shame, because he is going to lie,and you will never really have the entire truth.

I'd tell him he will be taking a polygraph after he gives you full disclosure, so you will know you have the truth.

You need to be tested for STDs. He's been with hookers. He has put you,and your child at great risk. Many stds can kill an unborn child.

Only a csat can diagnose sex addiction. He may just be the average asshole serial cheater. And if you want to remain married to him, you wont want him to be a sex addict. That's a lifetime of setbacks, reoffending and heartache. But, then,so is trying to reconcile with a serial cheater.

During his talk with his girlfriend, pop onto the screen and introduce yourself. The only reason he wants to keep you a secret from her,is so he can pick up with her,after some time passes, and you feel more at ease. Dont allow that. Tell her.

I'd investigate her..she may be married. Waywards lie their asses off.

In answer to your question “ why wasn’t our relationship good enough?”

You see it was good enough. Better than good enough.

It the cheater chooses to cheat.

It is easy to have an affair. No bills or kids or sick parents to deal with. It’s an escape to Fantasyland. He’s perfect. She’s perfect. It’s “true love” teenage type crap. He can pretend to be funny and wonderful and the OW buys into it. She doesn’t see him laying in the couch drunk and passed out every night or leaving his plate of food all over the house - you get the idea.

The Affair is appealing for a few reasons and often it has nothing to do with the BS but everything to do with the choice to cheat. That’s the black & white of it all.

PS: your WH will get a lot of bashing here now, and I know that will be hard to hear because you love him and would have defended him to your dying breath until a few days ago.

We have ALL been there. And we ALL desperately wanted to believe some of the “explanations” and “justification.” But we are giving you the wake up call that we all needed (or, if we were lucky, got). You have to wake up to this ugly new reality before you can do triage on yourself and your son. An R or D decision in reality could be weeks or months away. Right now it is all shock and disbelief. But it is that disbelief you have to push through right now. Yes, he did this and despite his apparent “overall” honesty in confessing you still only know a fraction of the whole story.

Pull your support network IRL close around you now, his parents too. The wagons are circling here for you, too!

[This message edited by Odonna at 3:22 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

As a BW of a SA, I would recommend the following:

Disclosing affairs to the parents is a must, otherwise it is not a rock bottom for him and he will know that you could be manipulated , controlled and taken advantage of. His goal is to convince you to hide his ugly secrets. These guys are as sick as their dirty secret life. Everything is in the open now. Not doing it, will almost guarantee you a second DDay, not to mention being depressed and sick by suppressing your emotions to accommodate a cheater.

Regardless of R or D, attending SA meetings and IC is a must for a year at least.

Full transparency, including passwords to emails, bank accounts, laptop, his whereabouts, etc.

Assume that the man you live with and a father of your child is not who you thought he is. In order to carry a double life, he had to emotionally detach, be indifferent and uncaring towards you. He put himself above everyone, including parents and his newborn son. It might take you months to understand the level of selfishness and entitlement of the men like that but you need to protect yourself and your child now.

Assume that he lies most of the time. Do not trust a word unless proven by an action or a fact.

Lastly, tell him that he has to repay you every dollar he paid for women and set up a sum you think he could have spent on his extramarital activities.

I would not hurry to be intimate with him. In case you decide to R eventually, it is time for him to repay stolen time and affection from M. Gifts, dates, taking care of the baby, while you spend time on yourself, perhaps moving out and live separately from the parents, which means he has to finance it.

It might sound like a lot, but when you eventually understand the level of betrayal, this would be just a minimum of what he has to do to have a chance at R. Take care of yourself ...

You've gotten some great advice from people with much experience with infidelity. This is all very fresh for you, and it's devastating to put it mildly. So like others have suggested, take care of yourself.

While I agree that you don't have to make any drastic decisions about your marriage right now, there is one decision you should make. Make the decision to take back your life, whether you stay with him or not.

I think one of the reasons you didn't see this before is because he has you isolated and completely dependent on him for every aspect of your life. He has you living with his parents for starters, which may be very nice, but it also is very constricting. You are escaping to rooms to try and silently cry. You have a young baby and no privacy.

And he handles the finances. My EXH did too. So I didn't see the thousands of dollars disappearing that he was spending on his mistress. But he's taking it one step further, and either checks every day or has a system that alerts him if you actually look at your accounts. He has lulled you into thinking your safe and he's taking care of everything.

Even if you choose to work on your marriage, the dynamic of your relationship has to change. Take charge of your own well being, and that of your son's. Worry about you. You seem way more married about his parents than you do about yourself. You shouldn't be closer to them than you are to your own parents. You need your parents, and you need friends that aren't about you and him. It's healthy and normal.

Don't for a minute think your relationship wasn't good enough for him. It was absolutely perfect for him. It allowed him to do whatever he wanted when the urge hit him. Little wonder he doesn't want to lose you. He comes home to mommy and you, and his son being perfectly taken care of, when he's done pursuing other relationships.

He did the classic thing when he told you why he didn't end it with her when he had to leave early. He didn't lie to her. He said it was a family emergency and it certainly was. He just didn't define family. But he had no problem lying to you telling you she's a psycho who might harm you and your baby. That way he can look like he's protecting you, while he's actually ripping your heart out.

When I say take back your life, it means take back your power. Don't rely on him or anyone else for information about your finances or anything else. It's the only way to prevent this happening again and again. The truth may hurt, but being stuck in a situation where everyone has all the cards but you is far worse in the long run.

He’s breaking it off today on facetime and I will be there to hear the conversation.

Um, actually you should be there in the camera view. He doesn't dictate the terms of the break up at all. If you haven't told his parents yet, inform them just before the call and tell them you will be part of the call. Whatever he has to say about it is irrelevant.

Please reread Charity’s advice. This sounds like a form of abuse. You are isolated in a house where you are afraid to tell the people you live with the truth about your life. We can’t do much more than advise you. Do you drive? If so you need to see a lawyer about your financial rights. Abuse is when one person has all the power and “abuses” the rights of the other person. Don’t tell him you are seeing an attorney. It sounds like he has been controlling and gaslighting you for a long time. Don’t believe anything he says. Your focus needs to be freeing yourself from this situation.

pain is certain, suffering is optional - Buddha

I'm so sorry you are here. Please book your own STI test, HPV doesn't show up in make screening.

I know your WH has admitted to cheating for the past 6 years but how long has this particular affair been going on?

Make sure you and your baby are your number one priority now. There is no need to make a decision on your marriage immediately, do not be pressured or guilted into it by your WH or his parents once they find out. It's your turn to be 'selfish'.

I recommend visiting a couple of this divorce lawyers you found to find out your rights in this situation.

I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you. I have no idea if your WH is a Sex Addict or not. He would need a doctor to give him that diagnosis. What I would like to say though is that if he is an SA that does not excuse him or obligate you to stay with him. It is perfectly okay for you to say that you cannot and will not live with an addict. That you cannot and will not expose your child to this life. This is not a moral failure on your part. You can leave and not feel like you failed. Think of this. If he is an SA and as you say this has been going on for 6 years he has known that he is out of control and he has not sought help for his problems. He has instead systematically hidden it from you.

Devastated,

I just want to say I think you're doing great given the circumstances. All of us understand the chaos that you are trying to navigate. Staying focused seems impossible, but you are managing. I just want to say that every now and then allow yourself to detach and mentally take a break. I know that's easier said than done in the heat of battle. But take some time for you and practice some self care. I think you mentioned you read up on the 180. I would further advise you to follow it. You'll need the head space.

Hugs and strength to you.

How are you doing Dear Girl? Thinking about you all the day long...

Yes - Devastated - you've also been on my mind all day - you are stronger than all this - just please know your worth - you are a young mother - all that matters is that baby - and his survival depends on YOUR survival - KNOW YOUR WORTH!! If your husband is not crawling on his hands and knees before you - kick him to the curb - you will survive - his parents will survive - the worst thing you could do is enable him. Do not make this easier for him - put your baby and yourself FIRST.

Thank you for reassuring me that I am doing a good job as I feel like crap. I am physically and mentally exhausted plus I can’t even talk anymore totally lost my voice. I was there when he FaceTimed her to end it and it was a quick call but then she started texting and called for another FaceTime. This time she was angry/upset etc asking why professing her love for him as he did as well but blamed the break up on distance. He didn’t tell her he was married with a baby. I didn’t pop into the phone or anything either. The second conversation ended with her asking him why and etc. so since we were in the car going home from the doc office he said he’d block her. He drop me off to bring his mom for another appt and he was suppose to come right back but felt long so I text him where are you and he said they talked again but this tine I was not there and I was furious. When he came home I he said he told me that if they talk again he would let me know but it seem like she was still pursuing something with him I lashed at him the moment he stepped into the house to text her the truth. That he was married and have 7mth off was the real reason not distance. Whatever was said on the FaceTime when I was not there seemed to have sealed it for her because she responded to him goodluck with that life. He then blocked her and deleted her as a contact.

Did you see the actual blocking text? And texts saying he was married?