Whether or not it's AP is neither here nor there in terms of protecting an M. The AP could have been anyone, there's another potential AP around every corner, etc. Proving it's him isn't necessary.
Red flags though:
1. Why did she accept his request and follow him back when she is supposed to be proving herself? If she is supposed to be on her best behavior right now, then what will you get from her when you are no longer on high alert? Definite red flag for future problems.
2.
it’s been nonstop rage at me since. I was told he hadn’t done anything wrong and doesn’t deserve to be blocked.
Why does she respond this way instead of with sensitivity and apologies? To be clear, she is worried about a stranger's feelings about being blocked but not her BH's feelings? THIS is the definition of lacking remorse. She is completely selfish and lacking in empathy.
3.
got called controlling and immature.
Do you remember your post about "why was she so cruel?" You mean, Why IS she so cruel...every time she doesn't get her way! Because her cruelness is not in the past; it's a personality flaw. She is emotionally and verbally abusive.
4. I have no idea if she showed any of these signs in the years prior to the affair, but people DO change--and I don't necessarily mean for the better. Mid-life crisis? Yes. But that doesn't make it a phase. The crisis can and often does cause a permanent change, and that seems to be the case with your WW. I am reminded of (I read this, so idk) Reese Witherspoon's exH. Not affair related, but still ego related. I guess he hit his 40s and started to detach from the family. He got new, very young friends in their 20s and 30s. He started wearing the thick gold chains, backwards ball caps, high tops and hip hop attire; no more dad clothes. I guess he just started acting weird as heck, partying all the time and listening to music like a 16 year-old. It was embarrassing to all who know him, but he would not change back! Period. He let himself get divorced so that he could retain his new youthful identity. Very sad, but I guess what I'm saying is that your WW is acting as if she wants, misses, enjoyed being "that way," the desirable way she saw herself when in the A. Why else would she accept this second random request from a man? And be defensive about it? She's protective about the attention and wants to keep it. Because she liked the way she saw herself and felt then--your feelings be damned. She has to want to be a responsible and boring adult, but she doesn't want that. She wants excitement and attention. You can't fix that.
5. Lastly, and this is a sensitive topic, but her emotional outbursts and suicide attempts and always going on and on about how you are the cause are very immature and manipulative. She sounds like a child. It's not only evil people that ruin our marriages; it's also selfish, immature people who crush us. You seem to have a parent (you) and child (her) M where you overfunction as Mr. Responsible and she gets to be taken care of as Mrs. Needy. These parent/child relationships often see the "child" acting out and reclaiming their autonomy against the controlling parent. It's an unhealthy dynamic (my M is also this way; we're working on it). If she threatens to kill herself, please get her help while leaving the M. Please don't act like the only way to help is by taking care of her! Her irrational choices are a her problem, not a you problem. Start seeing her as the adult that she is, not a child. Stay on your side of the street. You are creating this "rebellious child," but you can start undoing that by treating her as a capable equal who is not a good partner. She does not need babysitting or instructions; she needs to see your boundaries and experience the consequences of her actions. Walk the walk. No more words or fixing.
You have very little to work with here imo. As the overfunctioner, you may be a bit codependent and attached to the fixer role. (As am I. That's why I'm still married.) It's not as easy for us fixers to put down our underfunctioning partners and walk away, but that's on us. (Are you in IC to work on this?) If we're not getting what we need or happy, we need to own that it is US keeping us stuck in the frustration and stress. I have learned to find my peace in this less-than-perfect M or D, but the only one I control is me. Fixing my partner is NOT my job. And it's not yours either. If you find yourself constantly explaining and correcting the other person's behavior, you are trying to change them. Can you accept the bullshit she is throwing at you and create your own happiness instead of thinking about her? If yes, great. It's not easy, and you might get burned. If not, you need to D rather than waiting every day for her to be as you prescribe. Because you cannot police her forever. She's not your job. The list of her faults above is A LOT to overcome. I'm not sure she's even close to capable of the level of change you need, so then what???
Just as a P.S. I was in-house separated and working through mediation/D before my H made any significant growth. My tears and threats and instructions went in one ear and out the other, so I threw in the towel. Guess what he did? He RAGED. And then he started to do the work on himself. I only put the brakes on the D because I saw growth and change after a year, but we had been separated and living our own lives at that point. I had to let go for him to step up (but only some will).
Best, best, best of luck to you. I know how hard this all is.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:27 PM, Wednesday, July 10th]
