SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I’m here looking for some encouragement after reading through posts for the last few days. In a nutshell, last week I woke up one day to an email, Facebook message, and Instagram message from someone who said she has been having a 3 year affair with my husband. She went into so much detail and added things about my family and my husband’s family that would destroy other marriages and families if it were all true. And not just infidelity related, things about someone’s sexuality.

We have 2 kids, 6&9, and I am beyond heartbroken at the thought of not only losing my marriage but ruining their lives too. I have read so many things about kids who come from broken homes struggling, having problems, and having more self harm attempts and all that. The thought of putting my kids through divorce makes me physically sick.

I also don’t understand how people can say there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Only have to wait 2-5 years to get over this pain! Yay!

My choices are stay in a loveless marriage but fake being happy for the kids while I die more inside, or be a broke single mom struggling to do it all? My husband isn’t being very honest with me and I don’t even know if he wants to stay with me or be with his girlfriend. I don’t see how either option will ever be good for me or how I can find any joy in life again.

I live in CA where there is a very high cost of living. We were lucky to get one of the lowest interest rates on our house because we bought years ago and now with the high costs of everything it’s actually cheaper than renting apartments around here, but I can’t afford the mortgage and bills and everything on my own. But I also can’t afford to move unless I move far away and my kids are deeply imbedded and committed to sports and teams we’ve committed to, I can’t uproot them from their lives for a cheaper place to live.

So how do I find hope when all of the options for my future feel hopeless and miserable to me? Is this a normal thought process that other people go through too?

Welcome to SI and so sorry you are going through infidelity. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that are very good. The Healing Library is another great resource and has the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful in processing through the emotions.

Please don't stay just for the kids. You are modeling relationships they will use to build their relationships. Would you want your children to be trapped in a loveless marriage? There are kids from non-broken bones that struggle, too.

Please see a doctor for STD/STI testing because there are some nasty things out there. If you have trouble sleeping or with depression, ask for meds to help get you through this rough first part.

Yes, the period of time around dday is indescribable in the amount of pain. It's normal, but you can make it through.

If your WH (wayward husband) isn't all in, then things are going to be tough. He needs to go NC (no contact) with SO (affair partner), total electronic transparency, give you access to all passwords, and whatever else you need to feel safe. He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

Please contact OBS (other betrayed spouse) and let them know. They deserve to have the truth to make informed decisions about their life.

Hi Marie,
Welcome to the last place you want to be. But great people here who have walked in your shoes and totally understand the pain you are going through.

Leafields gave you great advice. I’ll add to it that you need to focus on YOU right now. Eat healthy food, drink lots of water (crying is dehydrating!), avoid drugs and alcohol, and get some exercise every day. These help your body and your mind. Infidelity is a TRAUMA and you need to take of yourself so you can function and take care of your kids. (Your spouse can take of himself - just focus on you and the kids right now). If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. If you are not sleeping or are overly anxious, talk to your doctor. Many of us needed anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for a while to help us through.

Also see a lawyer or three. Not to file for D (divorce), but to understand what it will look like in CA. Knowing the facts will help alleviate fears - knowledge is power. You do not need to tell your WS (wayward spouse) you doing this. Some lawyers have free consultations.

And I will double down on finding someone IRL to talk to in addition to us here at SI. A trusted friend, sibling, parent, pastor - someone who will support you whether you D or R (reconcile). IC (individual counseling) is soooo helpful. Find one who is a trauma specialist if you can.

Don’t worry about deciding to R or D at this point. You are in shock. You can make that decision down the road. And kids will do better from a divorced home with healthy relationship models than in a toxic unhealthy married home. So don’t make that your sole criteria for whether to R or D.

Lastly, I know you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. But we promise — and there are thousands and thousands of us who have walked this path - there IS a light. You will get there. It will take longer anyone wants and it really hurts badly, but you will get to the other side.

Read in the Healing Library and in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum, especially the posts with the bullseyes and pinned to the top. And keep posting.

Are you a SAHM mom or work outside the home? Do you have family nearby? Did you confront your WS and did he then confess fully or did he continue to lie and gaslight?

Hang in there— it gets better.

Get mean. Get a bulldog lawyer and go for the jugular. He has been a horrible human being for three years. Let go of that rot by selling your house and getting out of Dodge. Tell him he can do this the easy way or the awful one and mean it. You have had a "husband" who has lied to you for THREE years. He does not need one more day for one more lie.

I have become a loud advocate for people whose SOs are beyond redemption. The reason is because every single day you, and your very vulnerable body, are around him is tantamount to giving him permission to harm you. I read somewhere that a man cheated on by his wife and best friend not only felt like he had been shot in the back but two people he loved pulled the trigger. This guy has harmed you 1,095 days. That’s enough.

Terror is keeping you paralyzed. Please, please see a lawyer tomorrow.

Thank you both. I have read all the resources and pinned posts. I am trying to get in with a therapist as soon as possible but it has been a nightmare trying to find one who has any availability to even see me. I did get an appt with a doctor who prescribed me short term anxiety and sleeping meds. I already have a history of anxiety and panic attacks and insomnia.

I work from home which is the only way I’ve been able to take my kids to all of their after school classes and sports they are required to attend (and no, we can’t just drop them as we signed contracts and they love them). But my company is closing soon and I won’t have this job for much longer. Which has already been a huge stress for me, just thinking of life working in an office again if I can’t find remote work again and who is going to do all this for my kids.

I have family about half hour away. I know they will help as much as they can if I need it, but I also don’t want anyone to know what I’m going through. It’s humiliating and I know most people will tell me leave him immediately and that’s not the kind of support I need right now. I’ve only told one person, a friend who lives amicably with her husband still despite them not loving each other but doing it for the kids so they have stability.

I thought the decision would be mine whether to reconcile or divorce but I don’t think it is. He says he doesn’t know what he wants but he isn’t happy.

Kids who grow up with broken parents are more likely to self harm and everything else you are worried about. Parents who can’t take care of themselves, who can’t be good role models, who can’t give love, affection, boundaries, and encouragement. No surprise, parents who display those traits often divorce.

Right now you are in absolute shock and it’s a nightmare. Your situation It’s bad, but I promise it’s not as bad as you think. I know it’s hard to see it at this moment.

Don’t worry about R or D. Right now doesn’t even sound like your cheating husband is even trying.

You and your kids are all that matter right now. That should be your focus. One of the best ways to heal is to completely disengage from your WH. Don’t talk to him, no affection, don’t make his dinner or do his laundry. Move to separate bedrooms. Go out with girlfriends and don’t tell him where you’re going, just that he is watching the kids and you will see him when you do.

This isn’t to control or trick him, it’s to heal yourself so that you can make a decision on what you want.

It dose get better. It takes time, and how long it takes depends on each person. What started my healing was when I did exactly what I just told you about with disengagement. I went to a few lawyers and got the facts. I went to the legal library and got smart on civil laws. I watched vids on YouTube that showed real divorce proceedings. I went out with my best friends, and i stopped caring what my WW did. It took me a long time to get there, but when I did a huge weight lifted off me.

It’s going to be hard, painful, and scary. No matter what happens. Take it each day at a time. Don’t think of the overwhelming things you have to do or what could happen. Take it slow, make a plan, slowly start getting things in motion where you gain full control of your own life.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. You are going to have horrid days, where you will feel like the entire world is sinking beneath your feet and you’re swallowed up into the darkness. Days where even getting out of bed will feel like the hardest thing in the world. You’re not a failure when that happens. It’s grief and mourning the death of the innocent life you thought you had. When those days hit, just do small things. Take a shower. Play with the kids at the park. It’s ok if you break down in front of them. It will happen. You will be ok, then sobbing uncontrollably. It’s ok to feel
This way.

It does get better, setting yourself to heal takes time but you will. Don’t worry about the timeline. We say 2-5 years only to give realistic expectations, so that people don’t feel like they’re falling because it’s been x amount of time and they are still hurting.

I don’t disagree with the idea that it takes 2-5 years to heal but why would anyone want to do that? My info says I was a BS so how am I different? My h traveled for a short period of time and cheated. Once? More? I don’t know but he never had an affair. He did not put his heart and soul into another relationship. He was a young idiot who grew up.

You are looking at years of misery. That is what I read all over the internet and the anguish is right there, front and center, for years.

Please look at Sunk Cost Fallacy. It explains why so many people hang to the person who harmed them

In the meantime I send a hug. ((((You))))

I think it’s 2-5 no matter what path is taken. I am not at all saying OP needs or should R. Actually with she has right now R isn’t even possible even if she wanted it, which I also don’t think she does.

Both paths are painful no matter what. I’m not miserable in R at all. I have bad days for sure, but I don’t regret my decision. That is just me though.

I don’t think either choice is without deep pain and loss and I believe a few years to heal from it is accurate.

R is what I want. I want the future I dreamed about and thought I would have. I just don’t see at this time how that’s even possible since he has flat out told me he’s not happy and doesn’t know if he wants to stay.

It would be better for you if flip the script. He’s had at least one, years long affair. Who cares if he’s happy? What about you? Tell him if he wants to go then get his happy ass out and go be with his mistress. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you don’t care at all what he does but he doesn’t get to drag his heels. If he wants to stay and be married, then now is his one chance.

Look, if he wanted to actually leave he would have. He doesn’t. He just doesn’t want to face the consequences, because then he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Almost every cheater when caught but still in the affair (which he most likely is), always pull this "I’m not happy I haven’t been for a long time" crap. I’m betting that’s news to you. My W said the same shit to me. When it came time to actually leave she realized how bad she messed up.

Call his bluff. This is your show now not his. Tell him to get out and see how great his life is without you. You have to standup for yourself. Let go of the idea of R for the time, because you can’t do it alone. You’re scared of losing everything, well you already have. That’s a good thing, because now you’re free. Once you lose everything you’re free to do anything.

I dragged my heels and played pick me dance for 6 months.
It was hell, and it didn’t stop her cheating.
Once I let go, once i stopped caring and was ready to move on I was free. My WW woke the hell up and realized that I was leaving. It may happen with your WH it may not. What I can promise you is if you don’t take control you will never get past where you are.

R is what I want. I want the future I dreamed about and thought I would have. I just don’t see at this time how that’s even possible since he has flat out told me he’s not happy and doesn’t know if he wants to stay.

So sorry, Marie. My wife had a 3 year affair as well, worst thing that has ever happened in my life. The good news is the excruciating pain doesn’t last for 2-5 years. The bad news is it does last for something like 9 months . You are in for a rough road, no doubt, but we’ve all made it through and you will too.

Give yourself some time before you jump into any significant future course, R or D. Not to sound patronizing, but you just aren’t in a sound enough state of mind to commit to R. I know you want the life you had two weeks ago, but your husband destroyed that. It’s a burnt bridge, an amputated leg, a deceased loved one. You have to grieve, and then you need to forge a new path ahead.

As others have said, take care of you and your babies. WH can take care of his own dumb ass. Projections of strength are good for you, both for how you feel about yourself and your standing with WH. He just proved he lives in the gutter, while you have maintained your dignity and integrity. You are the prize here. If he’s unsure, he is a fool.

You say you feel humiliated to tell people, but you did nothing wrong and you should not sacrifice your support to save face for him.

Keep posting, you will get great advice and unending support from a community of people who understand your pain. You got this.

Marie,

I say this with kindness and compassion, I understand exactly what you’re going through. Realize you are the prize and the one worth fighting for. Not cheating, lying, selfish WH.

His actions don’t define you. Nothing you did caused him to cheat. Wouldn’t it be great if we actually had the ability to make someone do something? Not really it would be awful, but that’s my point. If he got drunk and killed someone in a car crash while you were out of town, would you be held responsible at all? Of course not. Same goes with cheating for 3 years. All on him. You trusted your husband as you should, and he decided to abuse it. It’s not your fault that he is a lying cheater.

You are worth so much more than he gave you. You want to give him another chance and that is beyond generous. Don’t become a doormat. Remember this "Don’t confuse my kindness with weakness". You have to standup for yourself no matter what the outcome is.

Thank you all. I know I’m still in shock and need time before I make any final decisions.

I just feel like all of my dreams have been taken from me. All I’ve ever wanted was a happy family. Family vacations, holidays, traditions, a home where the kids want to come back and grandchildren I spend a lot of time with one day. A long, happy marriage. I feel like he’s taken these dreams from me and how can I be happy if my dreams won’t ever come true?

I do have a question about the 180 of anyone can provide advice. I understand it and the point of it, but when my husband and I got in a bad place 9 months ago (I didn’t know it at the time, but he wanted to leave me then for the AP), I did detach and do basically what the 180 says to do. Then he almost went through with leaving because I didn’t seem to care. Are there times when the 180 doesn’t work? Is he an anomaly? It took me showing him more love and affection and proving myself to him for us to get back on track (he says me not being affectionate and loving enough towards him made him hate me). Fast forward about 9 months later after I worked really hard and things got so much better that I received the devastating news about the affair.

Your WH is a cake eater and is manipulating you. Really reread what you just said. After you showed love and affection and had to prove yourself to be his wife, then all of a sudden he’s back. He made that your fault. He was having sex with another woman and lying to your face but he made sure you felt it was your fault.

He doesn’t want to leave you. He wants his wife and his mistress and (very sarcastic here) it would be great if you would just let him have his fun and stop being upset about it because he isn’t happy and you need to make him happy.

He didn’t leave you when you did the 180 did he? He just manipulated and gaslit you.

Now, you have to ask, is that really a man you want to be with? I get you want your family and everything. Trust me, I have five kids and I’m the only income. D was a daunting prospect to say the least. All of that family forever stuff he promised you was a lie. He’s a lying liar and cheating on you, and wants you to just get over it.

The 180 is not to make a cheater stop cheating. That’s crap. You can’t make someone do anything. The real 180 is to protect yourself and allow you to make a decision without your heart messing with your head.

Ignore all of the 180 that says things like "your partner will only speak in absolutes because they are hurting and scared". That’s garbage. The 180 was created by a business that was to pay them money to "affair proof" your marriage. It’s falsely advertised as some magic trick to get your cheater back. First no it’s not, that’s a scam and they are charlatans.
Second, why do you want to be in a place where the cheater takes you back? That’s ridiculous, and pointless because almost all cheaters would love to continue cheating as long as they don’t face consequences, and most of all, they are not something to fight for.

The real 180 has one basic principle. The opposite of love isn’t hate, but apathy. Nothing about it is to make your cheating cheater do anything. It is to disconnect from them and protect yourself so you can find your strength. The real 180 allows you to make decisions without giving a damn what he does, thinks, or feels.

Your WH isn’t special at all. He’s a cheater. A run of the mill cheater. He’s just really good at gaslighting you.

I’m very sorry you are here and going through this. You deserve better. You will receive good support here. Please take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Exercise and stay active. Be there for your kids. Do get into IC. You have suffered a huge trauma, so be good to yourself.

Your WH is not an anomaly. From what you describe he sounds like a very common wayward spouse. It is common for the cheater to blame their betrayed partner. It’s cruel and wrong! From what you describe several months ago you did the "pick me dance" to appease your WH and save your M. The pick me dance never works. Here are some hard truths: you can’t control your WH or make him want to be in the M. You can only control you.

Most importantly, always value yourself.

You are not a perfect partner. Neither is your WH. There are no perfect partners. If you take nothing else from my post, take this: nothing you did or didn’t do in your M, caused your WH to cheat for three years. Your M didn’t fail, your WH failed you. On you wedding day your WH vowed to be faithful as long as you are married, no matter the status of your M. Every day millions of people feel disconnected, ignored, unloved, etc. in their M’s but they never cheat. Why? Because they made a sacred vow not to do it. Cheating is about the cheater. Your WH is broken with a huge character flaw. You are the prize. You deserve better.

The 180 is not a manipulation technique. The 180 is to give you mental space and some peace to gather your thoughts. Take action. Get tested for STD’s. See an attorney to learn your rights, and if your WH continues with his A, file for D and have him served. If his AP is married expose to her OBS. He deserves to know the truth of his life. Exposure shines a light on their illicit activities. Family and friends deserve to know why your M is in crisis.

Good luck. You will get through this.

I just feel like all of my dreams have been taken from me. All I’ve ever wanted was a happy family. Family vacations, holidays, traditions, a home where the kids want to come back and grandchildren I spend a lot of time with one day. A long, happy marriage. I feel like he’s taken these dreams from me and how can I be happy if my dreams won’t ever come true?

I think the pain is so bad because we know deep down that a blow to these beautiful pillars of life has been landed. I had these dreams too. What I have learned in my two years since d-day is that for as good as these things are, I had to come to the conclusion that being married to an unrepentant betrayer was significantly more bad than these things are good. Living with an unrepentant cheater will corrode your soul and rob your every day of any and all joy. For the first time in my life I personally understood the verse:

- what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but to lose his soul?

I am long term affair survivor here (marriage intact). Yes, it hurts like hell. Yes, initially stayed for the kids who were very much aware of the situation and encouraged me to do what made me happy, but admitted they hoped we worked it out somehow. Truth is, our lifestyle would have changed dramatically had we divorced. I didn’t want that for me or my kids. For some, absolute love and devotion is what they value most in a marriage and I understand that. For me, I value/thrive off the stability of my marriage and the lifestyle it provides where I don’t need to worry about finances. Maybe it comes from growing up poor. Who knows, but my marriage provides a lot more than love and I refused to give that up because he chose to be a jackass for a really longtime. My kids know the situation. They realize that most marriages are rarely unicorns and rainbows so they’ve learned some ugly truths early in life. They still appreciate the life we provided them and that their family is still together. Yes, kids survive broken homes too. Either way, they will have scars so you have to look at the entire picture and choose what’s best for you. What was best for me included stability and safety for my kids. That fills my cup and makes me happy. My advice to you is to ignore all cries to divorce or to reconcile. No one here knows you, your husband, or your kids nor do they know what you need and value in life. Instead, take this time to be selfish and work on your healing. It takes 2-5 years to recover no matter what you choose, but I promise, if you focus on you the intense, unbearable pain doesn’t last that long. The big decisions can be made when you feel better. Triage yourself for now.

Ma'am, just wanted to say that Im sorry you're facing this horrible betrayal. Your story resonates with me on a number of levels.

My first-wife-become-traitor betrayed me with my then best friend. I was a young(ish) husband and father with small children at home. I too was broken and woefully unprepared. I came from a wildly unstable home and all I longed for was what I had never had growing up yet there I was seeing it go up in smoke. I was crushed. I too was ashamed. I too repressed it all and didnt tell anyone. I wanted to R at any cost. My then WW was half-hearted in her response. I wrongfully thought I had enough love for both of us and desperately wanted to protect my kids. I spent a gut wrenching decade existing in that marital purgatory before it ended. It was brutal and I now deeply regret not moving to divorce but I cant go back to young D.T., grab him by the lapels and warn him off. I can however share my cautionary tale with you. There are worse things than divorce. I am now very happily re-married to a wonderful woman who is also a survivor of a brutal betrayal. My children are doing very well (I did get them into therapy after it was over) and I now have grandchildren. Life has been and is now very good following those dark days.

Listen. You need help. Dont bear this burden alone. Confide in trusted family and friends. This is all on your traitorous "husband". He is clearly non committal as to the marriage/ending the betrayal and should be treated as such. If the account you received is accurate, he has betrayed and deceived you for years and is not taking ownership nor is he remorseful. As such, he remains the single greatest threat to your emotional well being and to the stability of your family.

You are not alone. The folks here have walked this terrible path and have advised you well. Keep posting here. It will do you good.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:56 PM, Monday, June 10th]

I think the 2-5 years is acceptance of being betrayed, not the separation itself. At least if you separate you are moving in the right direction, away from the person who betrayed you and doesn't seem to care.
It is tough starting over, no doubt, but being gaslit to exist in someone else's false reality is far worse.

I'm very sorry that you've experienced being betrayed. As awful as you feel now, you can survive and thrive.

Fear of D

I strongly recommend the fear-vs-reality thread in the Divorce/Separation forum - https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/.

Kids

Unfortunately, I watched our grandson go through his parents' D. It's been a tough 6 years watching him, and I'm sure it's been more difficult for him. But-but-but: if his parents had stayed together, it would have been much more difficult for all of them. He's 14 now doing very well in a demanding high school, making friends, growing. Nothing will remove the pain he feels unless he does it himself, so he'll probably seek therapy in 5-10 years, but he'd be sunk much more deeply in pain if his parents had continued to live together.

Kids can recover. They tend to be even more resilient than adults.

Shame

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your H is the one who couldn't keep up his side of the M contract. I, too, urge you to seek support from your family, if you think they will support you.

Pain

The SI rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years to heal - IOW, 2-5 years to process the pain out of your body. As you process the pain, you'll probably start feeling better - very slowly at first, but the improvement accelerates as you continue to process pain. But first you need to hit your rock bottom. A lot of us do that midway through the 1st year after 'd-day' plus or minus some months. I personally spent about 6 months of the 1st year before I started noticing the return of joy. YMMV.

Reconciliation

To R, both of you need to be willing to do the necessary work. That is, IMO: 1) BS processes the pain out of their body; 2) the WS changes from betrayer to good partner. Both are necessary. If either one is missing, R will not work.

So far, you report a WS who is not willing to do any work. I think R isn't possible at this point - but he may change.

In any case, for R to succeed, you heal you. Your WS heals himself. Together you heal your M.

That means you need to do your work - processing your pain. If you do that, rather than wait for your H to help you heal, you'll come out of this stronger and wiser - and ready for a good relationship with someone, if that's what you want.

The same goes for your H - if he changes from betrayer to good partner, he'll be stronger and wiser and ready for a new relationship. If he doesn't do the necessary work, he'll continue to look outside himself for something that can come only from inside himself.

Encouragement

You can heal, Marie. Your best bet is to invest in yourself. Let yourself feel. Take the time you need to make decisions. You have a whole new world of options open to you. The pain of being betrayed may seem like and giant, unavoidable, perpetual obstacle right now, but it's temporary. As you heal you'll see the obstacle diminish and, eventually, disappear.