SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bit of a rant …..

So D-Day was 1st September 2023. We are trying to reconcile but as much as I say I want to I just keep thinking about ways I could hurt him back. For example stay with him for another year and then just tell him to get out and I want a divorce.

I know it’s wrong but I just want him to feel hurt like I feel hurt. I want his heart to smash into a million pieces like mine did. I just can’t get over how unfair this all is to me as a BS.

I also think I’m staying for the wrong reasons. I know whilst I still love him I don’t love him like I used to. I am also staying because I don’t want to not see my beautiful son everyday, I just can’t give him up. Plus working FT, doing everything for the kids and keeping up the house work and home maintenance is just not possible without his help.

I have an IC appointment in a couple of weeks because I’m just so confused and need help to rearrange my thoughts. I am so alone and other than my BH I have no one to talk about this to. My family are too judgmental and it would cause issues if they knew and I can feel my friends don’t understand and wonder why if I chose this why I’m not over it yet.

Anyways just some Friday thoughts, thanks for reading 💚

I totally get where you’re coming from. After all the man you trusted the most humiliated, betrayed and hurt you in the worst way possible. I think it’s totally natural for you to feel the way you do and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for feeling like that.

A couple of things to give you your power back, make yourself an exit plan in case things don’t work out. See a lawyer and don’t tell your WH to find out where you stand financially. Set clear boundaries for R with your husband. How he behaves and his actions on repairing the relationship will tell you a lot about his remorse. Does the AP have a partner? If so tell them what happened so they have agency over their own life. Your WH will be furious but fuck him. If he says that’s it I’m done he was never on board with true R anyway.

Also examine your beliefs about not being able to manage without your WH, is that really true? I’d say not. Thousands, millions of us go through this shit and find a way through. You can too. Good luck OP.

You wouldn't be able to hurt him the way he hurt you. It's been said,the least invested spouse is typically the one who cheats. If this is true, sure,it would hurt him,but not as deeply as he hurt you.

Honestly, the only way to really hurt a cheater, IMO, is to divorce them. It is,after all, a predictable consequence of their actions. Many ws cheat because they're selfish,and feel entitled. What better way to let them continue with that entitlement, than having their bs want to stay with them,after they cheated? They got to have their fun,and keep their family intact. Divorcing,is a direct hit to that massive ego. And,if the posts in the divorce forum,and new beginning forum are any indication, the people who divorce their ws seem very happy with that decision.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:01 PM, Friday, May 10th]

Judging from a recent post you made the OW is still working with your husband.

We do have couples on this site where the WS is still working with OP. However... I have a real-life experience that I want to share:
Years ago I was managing a department in an IT company. One of my group-members shared with me that his wife caught him in an affair. The OW incidentally was a coworker and a good friend of mine. Worked in another department and even in another building.
I know for a 100% fact that the affair ended. I know that the man did all he could to work on his marriage. I also know that the OW (my friend) never reached out to him. She too was determined that this wasn’t something she wanted more of. The man stopped eating lunch in the company cafeteria, didn’t attend company events outside of work and I made certain any interaction with the OW department were with someone other than her.
About half a year later my friend – the OW – quit for another job.
The man – the WH – told me about 1-2 months later that this was when FINALLY, his marriage started to improve. While they were working together his wife always had some fear – real or subconscious – that they were still talking or whatever. Once there was actual distance between them things changed.
Oddly – her new job was less than a mile away. Not much further than the building she had been working at. Had they wanted to, they could have hooked up with probably less notice after she changed job. But for the wife – you in your situation – the removal of the work-place was key to reconciling.

Has your husband ever mentioned changing jobs?

Has your husband ever mentioned changing jobs?

Have you considered making it a requirement, for you to attempt Reconciliation, that he gets a new job?

It is very difficult for a bs to heal,knowing their wh is going to work,every day, where OW is. Sure, he will say he won't talk to her...but he had zero problem lying to you for a long time. You can't trust his words. We tell new bs to watch their actions. If he isn't trying like Hell to find a new job, then he clearly thinks you should continue to eat this shit sandwich he's serving.

Having to find a new job is a perfectly reasonable request. Or, a demand, even. He doesn't want to? He should have thought about that before.

He is apparently trying to find a new job. But he has no qualifications and is ridiculously bad at communicating, so he struggles at interviews. He told me he would just quit but we have a family to provide for so that’s not really an option.

TBH (and I don’t know why) but I really don’t care that they still work together. She’s actually sleeping with another man at their workplace now so unless she’s screwing both of them I think it’s is safe. And my WH looks so embarrassed when I bring up the fact she has now slept with three guys from the same place. It’s like he thought he was special or something but clearly was not.

I know I would survive without him but life would just be harder and I’m up for a promotion within the next 12 months so that’s going to be stressful. Also my eldest son is just over a year from graduating high school so I don’t want to ruin that for him. I think that’s why I want to wait and then leave.

Sounds very unlike someone meant to be reconciling though 😢

Have you considered making it a requirement, for you to attempt Reconciliation, that he gets a new job?

It is not always possible. It depends what the jobs market is where you live, the age of the WS and in my husband's case the personal situation of his ex AP, who has had cancer and their company is very understanding and helpful when such a a thing happens.

In my case my husband is 60 and there is no way he can change job at this age, when he has a few more years before retirement, he chose however an international secondment to keep away from her and had to sign special papers because normally at his age they cannot move a person to another country. He has recently blocked her on the app they normally used for communications because she kept reaching out and he said he had enough, it wasn't fun anymore, it started to hit him and it triggered depression to know what all their story means to our life.

Unfortunately there are other company means of communication that he cannot block her on. They don't work together, but if she writes an email to my husband, he will receive it. He cannot block her. He just told me "If she writes to me, I will ghost her". For me at the moment it is enough. It took him 4 and a half years to be able to block her. Before he wasn't ready. But he did all he could to keep away from her.

Webbit, there is nothing wrong with not being able to get over your WH cheating on you. You may be able to forgive him; but, that doesn't mean you will forget nor get over it. As another poster stated, get your ducks in a row and bail if you need to for your happiness. I hope you find peace at some point in your life.

It is not always possible

I'm aware of this. But,what would happen if the company shut down? Or the ws gets fired? They'd have to find another job. Or 2.

What IS always possible? Not having an affair with a coworker.

But, they do. Then, for whatever reason, valid,or not, there always seems to be a reason the ws just can not find another job.

Getting fired for having an affair with a coworker is very common, yet they didn't care about that job,or the fact that they might not be able to find an equal job, when they were having their fun. It's only afterwards that they suddenly become so unable to find a new job.

I'm not arguing with you. Truly. I do understand what you're saying. It's just such a shitty thing to do. Have an affair with a coworker, then expect the bs to be ok with them continuing to work with her.

OP, I also see what you're saying. You're not worried about her, because she's having sex with someone else. But..weren't all of our WS's having sex with us, and someone else? All that says is she's easy. And available.

Regardless, there is no payback. Nothing is fair when it comes to infidelity, and the BS. I know some bs balk at the idea that trying to R means the bs has to eat several shit sandwiches. I'm not one of them. There are many. Each just as awful as the first. The unfairness, and knowing there is no way to really make it fair, is one of the biggest of those sandwiches.

It's simply something that comes with acceptance. And acceptance can take a long time to reach. What you're feeling is completely normal.

Getting fired for having an affair with a coworker is very common,

Not in my country. It is sadly such a common practice for people to have an affair especially at work that there would be a constant turn over of people and it would cost businesses too much to form new people to the level of the people they would be firing.

If there is a risk the affair is made public, all they do is to not make the two work together in case of conflict of interests. I am the first person to be against affairs but honestly would not understand why a personal matter would be of any interest in a business. Moralism does not belong in industries unless people steal or harass/hurt other employees or commit crimes and affairs are very bad but they are not a crime (unfortunately!).

In case of losing a job and working to find a new one, well that can go through months of unemployment and financial trouble for the whole family, so obviously it is a different situation. Quitting a job after an affair is only possible if there is a back up solution, a new job lined up.

I am not minimising the situation, but looking for solutions does not have to get people to find themselves (and their families) in a worse situation than the one they are already facing, adding insult to injury.

Honestly, the only way to really hurt a cheater, IMO, is to divorce them.

I’ll disagree. The best way to hurt a cheater is to stay married and make life a living hell of misery and retribution. Offer occasional brief moments of hope, then come crashing down on them again and again. Be the continual living reminder of their worst failure. Use their weakness to put you in a position of unequal power and exercise it.

Just be careful not to look in the mirror.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:52 PM, Saturday, May 11th]

Back when I was struggling with this problem a question occurred to me... "what could he possibly say or do that would make this right?" And the answer was, of course, "nothing". There's nothing a WS can give us that will fix the harm they've done. There's no coin to pay us back for our pain.

It sucks, but it is what it is. When we choose R, this ends up coming part and parcel with that choice. We can't punish one half of a whole. To harm the WS is to harm the marriage, and thus.. ourselves. If the goal is to reconcile, meaning we return to a state of emotional intimacy with that person, we have to find a way to resolve our need for justice.

That need for justice is human. It's part of our nature, so it's not a small thing we can just toss aside on a whim. For me, I had to address it head on. I had to keep reminding myself that it was MY choice to continue on in the marriage and that I could remake that choice at any time if I needed to. I was NOT trapped. I was where I had elected to be with my own free will.

It's weird, because being the victim of intimate betrayal makes us feel like everything is just spinning out of our control, but grabbing on to this notion that I could take ownership of my choice really freed me. I felt my own power in it. Our autonomy is stolen from us during the affair, and this felt like taking it back to me. I was able to step back a little, and to make kind of an accountant's trick out my need for justice by a treating it like a balancing sheet problem. No matter how good a WS is in the aftermath of infidelity, no matter how much work and healing they manage to accomplish, it's never going to be enough to resolve the debt. For me, I had to acknowledge that there was a leftover balance in the form of trauma and pain for which no good works on his part could ever compensate. At this point, I had to basically "write off" the balance as unpayable.. and then keep reminding myself that this too was MY choice.

It's not easy. The unfairness of it all keeps bobbing up like water set to boil, sometimes gently simmering, other times roiling and overflowing. It feels messy at a time when we just want to some how, some way, create stability. It's all normal though and all part of the process.

I think it’s human nature to want to hurt people who have hurt you.

In my case my H came home and told me he was having an affair (although he made it out to be some minor "thing").

Next thing I know he’s divorcing me (just saying it not actually doing anything about it). But he’s leaving me financially in a very bad position. And he doesn’t care.

Because he’s justified that "he deserves to be happy" no matter what.

I swear I have PTSD from this. I need to have X amount of $ in the bank and if I don’t I panic. I am on top of real estate availability in my area just in case. I have my own vehicle in my own name.

So it’s very natural to want to get back at the person who hurt you. And in some ways I did. I have not done his laundry for 11 years (since Dday). I don’t cater to him. I put myself first. He does the food shopping and errands etc. b/c all the years I bent over backwards thinking I was a good wife was undone by him having an affair and planning to D me.

I don’t call it revenge. I call it dealing with reality and putting myself first. Or his karma

I spent our 1st 2 years in R trying to find a way to punish my W without hurting myself. Couldn't do it. Gave up my effort. My conclusion, like CT's, is that you can't be in R and punish your WS without adding to your own hurt. I get HOP's POV, and he might be right, but I believe D - Depriving your WS of the gift of your presence - is the worst punishment you can implement.

The good part is this: at some point around 3.5-4 years out, I realized I no longer had any desire to see my W punished.

You ARE moving on. You're just starting out, though, and you have most of the journey ahead of you. It's good that you're building self-awareness. The issue is that you know where you are, but can't know where you will be. Some parts of R are done quickly but most take time and effort. (ETA: the effort is required for resolving issues that come up in R and M. If you resolve a lot of issues, the desire for revenge will dissipate without extra effort. )

Patience, Webbit. Patience.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:04 PM, Sunday, May 12th]

My Dday was October 12, 2023, so I very much understand the need for payback. I’m right where you are in terms of pain and the desire for revenge - it’s actually consumed much of my thought for the past several months on what I could do. Sometimes I feel like I have a "solution" that will satisfy these urges and that they will hurt him equally in the process - and that I would have a feel good sense of relief from it. Then other times there is just no way I could consciously follow through and feel good about myself. Talk about contradictory.

Like you, I feel like I’m staying for the "wrong reasons" … we have 2 young kids and while I would most likely have primary custody due to his work schedule it doesn’t make me feel good to "break up" my family and have my kids grow up in 2 different households - again, what an injustice this way of thinking is for ME (he’s the loser who broke up his family)! Also I’m a SAHM (so no income at the moment) , while I’m educated and could go get my job back in a heartbeat that wasn’t "our plan" … the thought of me having to think of a Plan B terrifies me and what that could look like.

My WH offered to quit his job multiple times if it meant he had a chance of working things out with me. He has a very high paying job that he’s worked hard to get over the past 10+ years - not to mention he has zero education, etc. so there is no way he would walk into another job that offered what his does. Again, I had to think logically and there was just no way at that time could we afford for him to up and quit - plus, he was due for a big bonus during this time that financially we needed. I told him that they could not work together though and that either he or she would eventually have to go. Fast forward, my WH informed his boss at the beginning of January what had happened between the 2 of them and he gave his boss an ultimatum - either he goes or she goes. End of February she was fired. It’s been 2.5 months now since they haven’t worked together, I think it’s helped. Knowing that he went to his boss, he came clean about his actions, she was let go - was a piece to our reconciliation. At that point if his boss would of said sorry I can’t do that, he would of quit and then we would of had to have figured it out from there. I do think it’s a piece to the puzzle though - anybody who has had an affair with a coworker I feel like they can no longer have contact and work together, I think it helps us BS "move on" to some degree.

It’s funny because I love him (I think), but not sure what that definition of love is right now and what it holds for me. I know it’s not the same as before, I’m holding out for some kind of hope that during those "magical 2-5 years out" I can see and feel differently. I’m trying so hard to focus on all of the positive changes and try to put myself in his shoes to appreciate them a little more becuase just like how this isn’t easy for me, this can’t be easy for him either.

I think that’s a great step going to IC, I hoping this will help you. I actually go next week for my first IC session and am optimistic that it will help me process my highs and lows.

Just know that you’re not alone and post away on here if need be. There are so many people on here with more knowledge and insight than me, but just know I’m sitting right where you are in terms of timeline and journey. It’s nice to see posters such as yourself writing on here because we can relate on so many levels.

Houseofplane

I’ll disagree. The best way to hurt a cheater is to stay married and make life a living hell of misery and retribution. Offer occasional brief moments of hope, then come crashing down on them again and again. Be the continual living reminder of their worst failure. Use their weakness to put you in a position of unequal power and exercise it.

Just be careful not to look in the mirror.

I feel like this is me!
7 months out , my goal is if I’m going to stay I don’t keep doing this. I hate myself more when I do.

We are trying to reconcile but as much as I say I want to I just keep thinking about ways I could hurt him back. For example stay with him for another year and then just tell him to get out and I want a divorce.

Use this in your favour. Use it in anger. I found my healing came when I managed to focus on my exit so to speak vs focusing on actual reconciliation.

Practically on dday 2 I thought that this man wasn’t safe for me and I started planning my exit. This was mainly career growth for me but also personal development. Whilst I remained married and did give R a very good chance, I needed a strong safety net so that I don’t ever find myself in a situation where I may depend on him again. I’d say we’re successfully reconciling, I do love him and I do believe he learned his lesson but my focus has been reaching a point where I can exit whenever I want if I choose to. We’re still married and happy because of the work we’ve done in the background but don’t make reconciliation your main focus without any personal growth whatever that means for you.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 3:55 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

I’ll disagree. The best way to hurt a cheater is to stay married and make life a living hell of misery and retribution. Offer occasional brief moments of hope, then come crashing down on them again and again. Be the continual living reminder of their worst failure. Use their weakness to put you in a position of unequal power and exercise it.
Just be careful not to look in the mirror.

Oh wow. I hope I’m correct in thinking this was offered tongue in cheek. The last line gives me that impression.

Anyone remember that really bad (as they all were...) Cheek and Chong movie "The Corsican Twins"? They played twins that were so connected that if Cheek slapped himself Chong felt the pain. When they argued they would hit themselves to cause the other pain – only they both hurt.
Remaining in a marriage without the intent or hope of improving it... is about as sensible as that movie.

Remaining in a marriage without the intent or hope of improving it... is about as sensible as that movie.

I don’t think that it is rare, at all.

You are around the 6 month mark, right? Yeah that’s when the anger stage can hit. The shock has worn off and the reality is setting in. He did this. And there is no way to even the score. Damn right you are angry.

But this will pass. And you really can’t even the score. And anything you do will just hurt your integrity. It sucks, but it’s true.

IC is a good idea. You will know when you know if R is going to work for you or not. And IC can help you if there are places you are sticking your head in the sand (my specialty, sadly), keeping the rose colored glasses on, or not heeding your own wants and needs.

Hang in there. (And rant away!)