SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ugh.

I have a freakish memory. Sometimes it’s a blessing. More often though, it’s a curse.

We had new partner orientation yesterday. Our administrator does the general orientation and all of the managers and department heads will go in as a group and introduce ourselves, then the new partners introduce themselves. One of the new nurses had a name I recognized but I couldn’t figure out how I knew her. I asked if we’d maybe worked together and then like an IDIOT I asked if the doctor I worked for 30 years ago might have delivered her baby. (I know. I know).

She went… just weird. Like super pissed and also frightened. She acted kind of psycho through the rest of orientation (according to another person in the group who started working with me last week) and then just started packing her stuff up and said she was leaving and didn’t want the job.

Last night my stupid memory filled in the rest of the story. Her baby died shortly after birth. It was horribly traumatic and while she didn’t blame us, she never came back to our practice.

I feel like such an asshole. I want to reach out and tell her how sorry I am for what was obviously an enormous shock and re-traumatizing her but also don’t know if that would be even worse.

Do I just sit with this discomfort and use it to be better? And please, I don’t need any 2X4s on this. I absolutely understand I was inappropriate and wrong.

Not sure how you should deal with that one, except just a little thought: if you recognized her, she likely was beginning to recognize you, too. Even if you had not asked anything at all about how you knew her, she may have started with facial recognition and progressed to flashbacks to that traumatic time. Your description of the others' impressions of her seems to suggest that was inevitable. I am not sure you can make it better by further contact with her. It isn't your fault that you happened to have worked for that practice and that fact alone would have eventually come out.

I think if you reached out and apologized and mentioned that you finally remembered how you know her... without saying the specifics that would be OK. You're human and you wouldn't have asked the question if you had any idea of what happened while trying to remember!!

Definitely use it to be better and don't ask questions until your memory comes back fully and you can place the person! But seriously, what are the odds?? You didn't have bad intentions while trying to solve your memory mystery.

I'd be curious to know why she was pissed and frightened and acting psycho... if it's stirred up her memories or more to the story of what happened?

You had good intentions. You certainly weren't trying to upset her. It's possible her actions were unrelated to your comments. I think I would just let it go since you have no way of knowing what was upsetting her.

I think we've all said things we wish we didn't. It happens. It was an innocent mistake. Don't be too hard on yourself.

(((HFSSC)))

I’m an expert in stepping in my old shit...

I feel like such an asshole. I want to reach out and tell her how sorry I am for what was obviously an enormous shock and re-traumatizing her but also don’t know if that would be even worse.

My suggestion:
Take the initiative. Go find her and ask for a minute of her time. Tell her that later on that day you remembered where you had met and made the connection to that dreadful and terrible event. Tell her how sorry you are for having scratched those scabs, because you as a mother don’t even want to IMAGINE the pain of losing a child and know it never heals properly. Tell her that this had an impact on you and that’s why you remembered her. Let her know that this is only between you and her, and that you will never initiate any further talk on this issue. Then tell her how welcome she is, and that hopefully you two can become good coworkers and even friends. Then apologize again. And again.
After that, allow her to have any initiative.

My natural inclination would be to reach out and apologize, but there could be legal ramifications for obtaining her contact information from the employer for personal use, or for apologizing (would that be an admission of a HIPAA violation?), so I think I'd be inclined to leave it alone.

I'm sorry you have to carry around the oogy feeling about this. I do it too and it sucks!

Thank you all.

As it turns out, I beat myself up for nothing. I spoke with the secretary who worked with me for this doctor and I confused this chick with someone else. Gah! I feel so much better now that I didn’t trauma bomb somebody.

I will take this lesson and learn to repress that feeling when I think I know someone, lol.

I was also told by my HR person and my boss that I wasn’t to contact the person (before I round out I was mistaken). Lord. You’d think I have enough drama in my life without manufacturing something.

Sending ((virtual hugs))

Whew, HFSSC! So, she was just not gonna work out, apparently. Hope HR understood and wasn't weird with you....

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:05 AM, Thursday, May 9th]

Hope HR understood and wasn't weird with you....

Oh yes. That’s the beauty of working for a fairly small business, even though we are part of a large company. We typically promote from within and there are lots of opportunities for education and advancement. She and I have worked together for 12 years. She and our boss were (rightfully) concerned it would make things worse.

Whew! Glad that all worked out.

so, you don't know this person after all?!? It's funny how these things happen randomly.

Late to the conversation but I am going to give this advice.
Assume no harm always. Giving or receiving information always assume that best intentions are what is driving the world. Yeah there are people out there that aren't but knowing you and your giant heart no way was that intended to be mean. This person whatever their issue is, is theirs. I too would have recommended let it lie. Your own intentions were from a place of good. Trying to create a bond with a newbie.

Now I'm wondering what got her all torqued up!

Tush, that’s been the way I approach life since my daughter was born. People had no experience in talking to someone who had chosen adoption for a child, and some truly awful things were said. I had a choice to walk around being hurt and pissed off all the time, or just find the best possible interpretation of whatever they’d said and assume that’s what they meant. It has made my life a thousand times better.

Sacred Soul, I think this woman has a lot of issues and it seems she doesn’t get along anywhere, which is sad. Also, I freakin love Loudermilk and love your sig quote. My favorite scene is the cold open to the 2nd (I think) episode where he and Ben are driving and stop for directions. "As the crow flies????" That rant is epic, lol.

Okay, now this things has gone off the rails.

I got an email from this woman today, in my work email. I guess it wasn’t that hard to learn that our emails are all firstname. Last name @ placeofbusiness dot com

All it said was "text me please" with a number.

Since I was told not to reach out to her but was not told NOT to reply if she contacted me, I did send this:

I am really glad you reached out to me because I have felt really bad about the way I approached you on Tuesday. I prayed for you and for some wisdom, because it was clear that I made you feel uncomfortable, and that was absolutely not my intention. I hope that you can forgive me and find a small comfort in knowing that this has been a learning experience for me and I am working on suppressing my instinct to find out why someone seems familiar to me.

I didn’t admit to any wrong doing but apologized for her discomfort. Hopefully that will be the end of it. I’m seriously not up for any crazy.