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I have been thinking a lot about what I have been able to let go of, and what still haunts me, even after overcoming so much.

For me, It is specific things said and specific places that are still my ghosts.

So here is my question… what things were the hardest to let go of in your own path to recovery?

Did you overcome them, or are you still battling those demons?

Why were these the last things you let go of?

It was a long time ago for me (20+ years) so I come at this with full hindsight of apathy of the situation.

At the time, the hardest thing to let go of was the future that should have been. That was both the most painful and the last thing to let go of.

Now, being so long ago, awhile ago it was hard to accept that I had to go through all of it, exactly the way I did to arrive at the place I am in life now. I don’t think I would trade my current life for anything else or anything different.

Not so long ago I asked my wife what it was about me that she found attractive back in 1998 when she came for a visit that marked the start of our relationship.

She says it was because I seemed so open minded at the time, but that in retrospect, she no longer thinks that is true, that I am open minded that is.

I found that tone deaf for all kind of reasons.

RF,

The years that were marginalized

OhItsYou, I did not know what I needed to her tonight, but it was this:

t was hard to accept that I had to go through all of it, exactly the way I did to arrive at the place I am in life now. I don’t think I would trade my current life for anything else or anything different.

I think I am really struggling right now with exactly this. I know I am on a path to a better life and relationship; I have a hard time accepting that the affair lead to this path.

Thanks for the long term perspective. It’s been a year and change. I have time to get to where you are.

Straightup, I get it.

I was skiing with my spouse today; it was a lovely day and a great experience. We both marveled at the beauty of sun in snowy woods.

But….

I kept thinking about a conversation a year ago in in which he implied I was someone not as able to appreciate natural beauty (as he was, as the AP was).

I know that he regrets that statement now.

BUT….

I still feel it haunting me every time we bike, ski, or hike together.

This is one one of my hard things to let go. It’s a ghost haunting my recovery .

Thanks for sharing.

Survus:

The years that were marginalized

Yes. 3 years of the actual affair, but almost 5 before that where he withdrew rather than communicate and deal with his issues.

But the worst is the 3 years that I became the villain… so he could feel ok about betraying me.

6 months out I’m finding the hardest thing is when we go out together as a couple. A good example is last night we went to a concert with some friends. We all had a great time BUT then on the walk back to the car I just kept thinking how much better it would have been if their wasn’t an A in our history!!!
This happens nearly everytime we go out. I’m not even sure why? Maybe I just look at other couples and assume they are happy happy happy and I am jealous?

The other thing is how he thought a couple of sexual encounters was worth our marriage, our kids and whole life. I guess he just assumed he wouldn’t lose it🤷🏼‍♀️

I marvel at the sheer disparity between how I was treated then (horribly) and how I am treated now (great).

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:32 PM, Sunday, March 24th]

I completely understand your situation. I hope my advice helps you.

You have lived with two different spouses - the one you married and the one who lied and cheated.

My H & I were married 25 years during his last affair. The one that almost caused our D. During that affair my H said some if the cruelest things. Here’s the one that stands out.

He told me (with a straight face) that I married him but I never loved him. I married him (his words) b/c of other reasons. Well it certainly wasn’t $ because he had none lol.

I looked at him when he said it and laughed. It was absurd and ridiculous and not true. He knew that but he was justifying his affair any way he could.

Same as your cheating spouse. Justifying the affair in any was possible to soothe his guilty conscience.

My H deeply regrets his words and knows I did love him. He has apologized for that comment (and all the others he made during his affair).

In time those hurtful comments will fade from your mind and become less important. At least they did for me b/c the person my H was during his affair is not the person I married. And thankfully the person I married is back and deeply regretful.

It takes time to heal. It doesn’t happen as fast as we would like. But what had me crying in year 1 of R was no longer having the same effect in year 3 of reconciliation.

I am almost 6 months out so I won’t have the future answers but so far for me it’s been places that my H went with AP, complete areas or even hearing the names of the places. When we go on dates somehow it always reminds me of them (all they did was eat and well ya know) so our date nights tend to bother me unless I drink heavily.
We completely avoid the restaurant they went to, which used to be one of my favorites.
Happy moments are my hardest, living in the moment is a awful for me because I feel like I’m stupid for feeling happy, after all my H had a 6 month A. As my therapist told me I either pull depression from the past with him or anxiety from our future to avoid living in the now because it is too scary still for me, so letting go and enjoying his hard work and our little milestones are the hardest.

Withholding the truth from me for 15 years, half our marriage. An opportunity to come completely clean 12 years ago and STILL not being honest. Knowing 100% the truth never would have been revealed by my WH and that it was only revealed because of my discovery.
Honestly writing this makes me wonder why I'm even entertaining the idea of reconciliation.

Withholding the truth from me for

9+ years.

Withholding the truth to the point where so much time has passed that the story is impossible to actually remember completely.

My wife lied to me for the first 18 years of our marriage. She finally grew up, got treatment, and started being truly honest in life in her late 40s.

If the truth had been told, we might not be together, but it would've been decisions made based on the truth, not decisions, based on a storm of lies.

Would things have been better? I have no fucking clue. However, all of my decisions would've been based on knowing the truth.

By the time I knew the full truth, about the affair, around 10 years had passed. You can't go back and undo the decisions that you made based on lies, and you are where you are, so you go onward.

Such is life!

That he cheated. That he did this. That he isn't the man I thought he was..because the man I thought I married would never have done this.

How far from d-day are you? From what you've written, d-day was 12/22 or 1/23, so 14-15 months out? If that's the case, you're probably less than half way through your healing path. Take heart - life gets better, but be prepared for triggers. The SI rule of thumb is that recovery take 2-5 years, so keep breathing deeply.

I declared victory in recovery 3.5-4 years out when I realized I no longer had any desire to see my W punished for cheating. I no longer had any desire for revenge. That - the lack of deire for punishment/revenge - was my definition of 'forgiveness', which was something I never expected; it (forgiveness) came as a big surprise because it was a non-event. That was the 'last thing' in recovery for me.

*****

Reconciliation never ends, IMO. R is a process of resolving A-related issues specifically, but more important IMO is that R is a process of resolving issues. My experience was that day-to-day issues replaced A-related issues, but issues keep coming up in life and in M. Basically, IMO, R morphs into M, but the process stays the same.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:06 PM, Sunday, March 24th]

There is a specific date night we had 3 weeks before discovery. My gut was screaming at me but I never considered it was infidelity. I just needed to work harder.

I took her on an anniversary date 30 years from our first date. We had a great time, I gave her a piggy back ride to the car and we laughed and just had an awesome evening. I remember telling a friend that we definitely can turn a corner towards the right direction in our M.

When I discovered the A the text messages before during and after that date haunt me. They were planning a night away in a hotel, she was plotting her cover story and saying how much she missed him. I was completely scammed by her. It took a very long time to believe her feelings towards me were authentic because of this and 2 months of false R.

This is not red hot like it was but it is still very painful.

I don't let go of anything. I just stopped squeezing them uncontrollably.

I appreciate all your comments, but here are a few responses to some lines that strike me hard.

The1stWife:

the person my H was during his affair is not the person I married. And thankfully the person I married is back and deeply regretful.

It takes time to heal. It doesn’t happen as fast as we would like. But what had me crying in year 1 of R was no longer having the same effect in year 3 of reconciliation.

This is exactly what I feel. Before I knew, I knew he was not himself. I suspect I still have trouble letting go of the fear that that other man will return.

Sisoon

you're probably less than half way through your healing path. Take heart - life gets better, but be prepared for triggers. The SI rule of thumb is that recovery take 2-5 years, so keep breathing deeply.

Thanks. You are right about the timeline. 12/22 was an event that disrupted the affair in ways I did not understand until DDay on 2/23. I worry he does not understand that timeline… that beneath the surface of ok, I still have wounds I fear will not heal. Thanks for the reminder to give myself the time I deserve. Recovery and reconciliation is a journey.

I appreciate what you say about needed to shift to working on issues, not just the affair. I really feel that. I know that part of me might be resisting that shift because I am not ready to let go of the pain.

Tanner

When I discovered the A the text messages before during and after that date haunt me.

Yes. I get this viscerally. There is a specific text he sent, and when I realized the day and time in terms of the family timeline, it just seared it all in my brain,

All—
I appreciate you. I appreciate a space to speak things in safety. Reconciliation is the hardest thing I have ever done—and I have done many hard things,

For me are the things said right before I found out what the real issue was. It will soon be 5 years since dd. We have now been married 41 years. When he was so cold to me and I asked are you wanting a divorce. He said I don’t know I don’t have a plan B! Never in 36 years of marriage did I think I’d hear those words. I said but you kissed me good night and said I love you every single night. He said that meant nothing. Now I constantly second guess our marriage for those reasons.😥

Never again have 100% trust

Loss of "each others only" after church wedding ceremony, vows, wonderful honeymoon -

Loss of the thought that the person was my dream for the future (that I had on a pedestal?) that I thought was one who would honor her saying to me - "I'll will be your wife 100%"

100% eh? not so much . . .