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As the title suggests, I know this will vary with all responses, but what I’m looking for is to create a baseline list of the most common things that are imperative that should be done to become safe. I’m sure the list will have basic differences from the point of view of the BS and the recovered/recovering WS. So please indicate which you are.
Thanks

I’m a BS. I really don’t think "minimums" is a word you really want to use in recovery and reconciliation. In fact, I think the reason why I’m still here and why we’re still together is that there wasn’t anything we wouldn’t try. For me, I tried everything I could to recover. And, FWH did everything he could to help that process and rebuild it. Those efforts were flawed and human, but we worked at anything we thought might be helpful.

1. No new affair behavior and absolutely no contact.
2. Working at recovery and reconciliation like it is another job.

Minimums may not have been the best choice of what I was Looking for. Perhaps we change it up to say what are some of the most effective methods towards becoming a safe partner. Or from the BS perspective, what actions had the most positive effect towards become safer.

- Complete transparency, full disclosure, full honesty from that point forward,

- drive to do their own inner self work in therapy to challenge their why’s, learn better coping tools, and figure out what drove them here,

- accountability, no excuses, no blame,

- out of the shame spiral, shame does not equal healing, as long as they’re in shame you do not have a safe partner,

- no contact with AP, no fueling other destructive behaviors. If you have a partner that’s motivated to do their work/healing then these behaviors are not in their arsenal anyway,

- learning to hold space to listen to your betrayed spouse and hear their emotions.

Coping,

You are too far from dday to be asking this. You know what the minimum is. If you are asking this now, you aren’t even getting it.

I am not saying this to be harsh, you are living up to your username, you are literally just coping.

Own all of the shitty decisions and choices. Every single one. Marriage doesn’t cause infidelity, people choose it.

Understanding validation. We’re social mammals, approval is a thing. But external validation beyond the person who loves you, that’s unhealthy validation — if a WS doesn’t know why they needed illicit approval, that’s a person who will never be safe for anyone.

Enforcing boundaries. Some people don’t understand the boundaries as well as they should — and if they don’t have good boundaries, then they need to be installed.

Answer the questions. Helping us to understand a choice we didn’t make helps us — some of us ask 5 billion questions, some of us only ask a few thousand, but cooperation is at least one sign the WS still cares.

Transparency. No spouse wants to play detective. We want to be able to trust who we are with. Volunteer information, online accounts and whatever else is needed to start to show the hurt partner day to day safety and actions to earn some trust back.

Do the work. Counseling, research, reading, soul searching, figure out a path back to being a better version of oneself — even if R doesn’t happen a WS and BS need to heal up and move forward.

The minimum for healing is/equals the maximum, IMO. Both partners need to do everything they can think of and everything they ask for help with.

Both partners need to get honest (no more lies) and take responsibility for themselves and their actions. Both need strong, appropriate boundaries. Both need to communicate with each other, whether they R or D (at least until the D is final). Both need to address issues when they arise and do the work necessary to resolve them.

I'm really sorry about this: both partners need to understand that they choose to feel safe or not; no one else can make them feel safe. Boundaries and addressing issues are the support one needs for making the decision about safety.

Both partners need to realize there are no guarantees beyond death and taxes, and some people can avoid paying taxes.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:49 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

Transference of vigilance.

Basically where WS gets ahead of things that could possibly look bad and brings them up pre-emtively knowing that it might look bad. Then gets your honest buy in or follows your discretion without pouting that said thing is breaking a boundary and they ought not do it.

As a former ws, who lives with a former ws, here is what I would look for:

-no longer consumed by shame, has self compassion therefore compassion for others.

-acts with integrity in small and big ways. Has respect for themselves, therefore respect for others.

-demonstrates actions consistent with love. Loves themselves therefore has love to give others.

-demonstrates remorse and empathy in your triggers, can anticipate some of your needs, and have learned how you are best comforted/

-they communicate and don’t avoid conflict.

-reliable, consistent, transparent

-can tell you the things that existed in them that allowed them to cheat and have done work in those areas.

-they have boundaries and respect the boundaries of others

-demonstrate emotional maturity.

-genuinely appreciates their second chance with you and would obviously do whatever is needed to make you feel like you are a high priority to them

-Therapy is usually needed.

And even with all those things, I think you have to individually feel there has been significant work and repair done. A ws who is a successful rebuilder should over time be able to re-establish trust, at least to a reasonable place.

I never set any expectations. I left my husband to figure it out and do what he thought was needed.

In my opinion if they can figure out how to cheat then they can figure out how to repair the damage. I was planning to D my H so it was up to him to change my mind.

Fortunately he did change my mind. He did things of his own accord because HE WANTED to change. HE WANTED to do what was necessary for our marriage to survive.

In my opinion if you tell someone to do this or that, they feel controlled. But if it’s their own idea then there is a chance the changes will be made and they will stick to it because they want to, not because they have to.

HellIsNotHalfFull,

I just want to clarify why I’m asking this question. I do know what some of my minimums are, but my WW has been reluctant to begin any serious work. I’ve tried to help her get there but "I" can’t tell her these things, if others, or her friends would, maybe there’s a chance she’d see the light. I’ve been patient to this point but for just a little update, Sunday morning I told her that I think we need time apart so that she can decide what she wants out of this message and for her to seriously think about whether it’s worth fighting for. I pack some bags and moved next door to my parents house to give her time. If she decides to do nothing then I likely will pursue D. I still love her but I won’t be subjected to that behavior any longer.

On a side note, during my IC session yester my counselor said kudos, you have taken positive steps forward. She said it looks like you have discovered your self worth and the "Nice guy" has finally taken a stand for his personal beliefs.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:19 AM, Monday, March 4th]

Coping,

I wish you all the best, and I hope it works out for you the way you want it too. I’ll be honest, I doubt it. Your WW doesn’t care. She doesn’t want to do the work, and doesn’t care about putting the effort in. If by now she doesn’t get it, like at all, what could actually happen to change her? If I remember correctly it was your WW who states something along the lines of how grateful she was for the A. I recommend you stop enabling her, and prepare to have a life without her. I am glad that you found the strength to stop being the nice guy and stand up for yourself.

On a side note, during my IC session yester my counselor said kudos, you have taken positive steps forward. She said it looks like you have discovered your self worth and the "Nice guy" has finally taken a stand for his personal beliefs.

Congratulations! I agree!

And I think that it’s time for her to figure it out or let you heal in peace. This will be a difficult but needed step for you to hold your ground.