SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. It’s been a good long while since I have checked in. Hope you are all doing well.

We have been doing really well. We are enjoying each other and have not had many triggers to deal with or any drama. As far as I knew…

Here comes the rest of it. We both had/have a group texting app that we downloaded quite a few years ago when we went on a trip with my daughter’s premed fraternity. She is a doctor now so It’s been quite a few years. I wasn’t using the app any more so I deleted it from my phone but never closed the account because it didn’t seem to matter. I never used the app to communicate with anyone privately nor did I use it ever for any nefarious purpose. I was asked to be on a board for my hobby society and they use the app to communicate among board members. So I downloaded the app again and was just communicating with the board.

Well I started looking at the messages and there were messages from me to all sorts of contacts in my phone. Contacts that I never actually added to the app or communicated with in the app. I sent the same message to every person and it looks like a link or something. I obviously didn’t open it because I’m tech dumb but not quite that dumb. Here is the shocking problem. I have the fAP phone number still in my phone so that I could block the number (not that fAP has ever tried to contact me to my knowledge). I have never ever never broken no contact since things ended in 2012. But as I was scrolling down the list I saw a message from fAP and fAP’s wife’s name. The message is from January of 2018. It says, "This is fAP wife. Don’t ever make any kind of contact with fAP." Apparently the app or maybe I was hacked or something sent this same link to their group me account while I did not even have the app downloaded on any device. Obviously I would not dream of replying even if it wasn’t 5 years later. But the sick feeling I have knowing what a horrible trigger that must have been for her and me just going about my clueless life knowing I have been completely nc since it all came out. I mean, I literally broke nc without ever knowing or suspecting I could have done any such thing. GROSS.

So Knight is out on his walk. The urge to rug sweep this since I didn’t actually do ANYTHING (except actually make the fucked up choices that caused all of these never ending consequences in the first place) is real. I’m so sad and disgusted that I’m going to once again bring him a miserable night. I’m going to do it. I so don’t want to though. He has been really happy. He has lost 65 pound and been working out on weights. He had to buy new clothes and his confidence has grown. He looks amazing and things have been going so well for him. I just want him to have this. The peace and the confidence and the control. It’s not fair and I feel myself getting smaller and smaller because it’s something I’m inflicting on him. Again. Let go of the outcome right?

I’m up for anything. 2x4s. Support. Helpful advice on how you would want this handled.

FML

With the truth. Immediately. I know it sucks, but this is your moment to prove that you will never again hide anything from him out of cowardice or the belief that it's for his own good. It will be so much worse if you hold on to a secret, even temporarily. Worse for you because instead of just worrying about how it will hit him, you'll have the exponentially growing fear of what he'll think about you concealing it. Worse for him because it will make him wonder: if you can still lie to him, after all you went through, what else might you be lying about?

I'm so sorry you have to risk triggering him, but it's a no brainer. Tell him simply and straight out, and do it tonight.

BraveSirRobin,

Thanks for replying. I’m definitely going to both tell him and show him. He has full access to everything but he never searches through my devices any more to look for anything incriminating. I wouldn’t care if he did though.

I do appreciate your reply. I was considering putting it off because he had mentioned wanting to spend some private time after his workout tonight. Kind of not wanting to ruin that. Actually he just came in to grab something while I’m typing and said, "Workout. Shower, And then you’re mine." Seriously? Timing? I promise I AM 100% GOING TO TELL HIM. Do I ruin our night? Is there a possibility he won’t be triggered and he will be like, "Not my problem."?

Tell him tonight. He might be ok. It will build trust. That's always a good thing.

Yes, tell him now, every day you delay makes it that much worse.

The OM always remains a threat to your marriage a landmine you have no idea where it is, like this shows. In a sense you reactivated him, men don't forget sex.

You don't want to hold this in for life. Your BH will know something is up and might at some time in the future ask you if you think about or have had contact with OM.

Hellfire, I will tell him when he finishes his workout. And I will deal with whatever the fallout is as is my job.

Survrus,

Your BH will know something is up and might at some time in the future ask you if you think about or have had contact with OM.

But I Have. Not. Thought about or had contact with fAP. Even when I saw the message he wasn’t a thought, his wife was. I could not possibly care less about his consequences or how anything affects him or if he is "activated" or whatever.

Okay, told him and showed him. He told me to delete the contacts from my phone to avoid anything weird like that ever happening again. I don’t believe he actually thinks I did anything shady. He wasn’t happy to have the reminder of the A. He just told me to delete it (which I did), looked a little grumpy for a few minutes while he read a book, then told me to put on some heels while he went to the shower. I guess he’s ok? I will watch for more fallout over the next week to see what he needs but all in all that was way better than I anticipated.

I'm glad it went that way, and unlike you, I'm not surprised. You acknowledged his right to agency. You didn't try to manage him or create excuses to avoid looking bad. You let him steer the ship, and unreformed waywards do not do that because we hate to lose control.

It's possible that his mood may swing some as he processes this, but ultimately, I'm betting he will land on feeling more secure, not less, because you didn't delay. Good for you!

That is super cute about the heels. I’m happy for you guys. If he doesn’t want to process it thats cool. If he does and you need to show understanding I just wanted to offer up why this would really upset me. Probably you realize this already. But, as captain obvious…. I would be really bummed that this made it look to that couple as if you reached out and they had to shut you down. Now if you do nothing—which I’m sure is the right call—-that impression stands. Quite possibly the last impression I would want to let stand would be for that AP to think that my husband reached out to her. It would be really hard for me to let that stand, without an explanation. Despite the fact that giving an explanation is a terrible idea, because thats contact. I really feel for you and hour hubby. Just really bad luck on this one. Kudos to you for telling him right away. That should be some consolation.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 4:03 AM, Friday, December 15th]

Yeah, he was more affected than he initially let on, but we will work through it and it will be okay. It does seem to be less severe than when we have run into triggers in the past. He seems determined not to let this steal his joy. At least that’s how he seemed to me. I’m kind of watching and waiting.

Still confused, I actually had that thought. It briefly galled me that fAP or his wife would think I reached out. I had to make a conscious choice not to care. I had to work hard that first year to give fAP no real estate at all in my brain and that includes not worrying now about what he thinks. So I shut that thought down. I do have a care what that message might have done to his wife however. She doesn’t deserve to see or hear my name. And you make a good point about what Knight may possibly be bothered by. He hasn’t said but knowing him I would bet that exactly what you said has crossed his mind. It was good of you to point it out to me.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:40 AM, Friday, December 15th]

Be prepared for this to affect him more,in a few days, as it sinks in,and he has it on his mind more.

The positive is that you immediately told him. That's a big deal. You could have simply not told him. That would have been "easier" for you. But, you were brave. That will mean a lot to him.

As a BS, I commend you for telling your husband immediately. The continued honestly is what’s so important. Sitting with him in his pain and his triggers all these years later is you taking ownership and showing up.

You hit an unfortunate bump in the road and you handled it with honesty and empathy!!

Wishing you both the best.

I would think that since you came to him and shared it with him and he was probably able to see that your account sent the same message to multiple accounts and he knows you didn't send it, because it appears there was compromised security with your account, that there really is nothing for him to get super worked up about. The important thing here is that you didn't hide it and quick delete the evidence. Instead, even though this appears to be a true accident that wasn't your fault, you came to him with the whole situation and you two decided on it together.

My EA AP finally (or at least we are now 3+ years no contact) got the hint that the NC message meant NC. She went to great lengths, getting a new number and registering multiple fake Facebook accounts and trying to work around all the ways we had blocked her. It got to a point for us that the next time she sent a message to my phone from a new number, we were going to take the drastic action of changing a number I'd had since I was a teenager. My wife and I didn't want it to have to come to that, but we also don't want anything to do with the AP in our lives and her contacting us...like I said, it's been a while now since she seemingly gave that up, but even now, I get a junk text from what appears to be spam and I will hand it over to my wife to deal with. I allow her to be the one to delete and block/report junk, because it is my way of giving her and I agency as a couple to keep people out.

You handled it beautifully. As a BS, this is exactly what I need in those icky moments. It does sometimes take me a few days to process the "ick" as we unaffectionately call it in our house.

It looks like your phone was hacked. IMO, if that's what happened, you didn't break NC - the hacker did.

I'm sorry you and knight get this reminder of your A. I'm glad - but not at all surprised - that you told him.

Please let us know how this resolves.

And it's good to hear from you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:35 PM, Friday, December 15th]

Thank you all for always being there when the bad stuff happens.

He knew I didn’t break NC. He was a little quiet and seemed a little bit triggered for a couple days here and there and then he seems back to normal. He has been doing really well and I’m super proud of how he has taken charge of his health and fitness. It seems to be really good for his confidence and moods as well.

So all and all we did that well and I realize you guys here are part of my coping.

Aaaand I have another awful trigger to report to him today. I know we will be fine. It’s frustrating though. We are both home from work tonight after working or stretch of 12 hour shifts planning to watch a moving and chill together. It seems like it’s always when we are about to enjoy some time together. Why is that?

No worries here about whether I will tell him. I’m letting him finish his workout and I will get it done but I’m sharing with y’all too because I can.

I had just punched out after my twelve hour shift and was bee bopping around the corner to grab my bag and go to my car when I waved at a "visitor" I was passing in the hallway. You know the Disney approach to customer service? You greet everyone. You speak to everyone. You give them directions or assistance if they look confused. It is instinct to me. Also I live in the south. I literally wave at all strangers if I’m driving past them, everyone does here. You have all guessed right. It was the AP. I waved and then I’m sure had a slightly shocked expression. Then said (mostly to myself without making eye contact because I was leaving the area asap), "Nope, sorry, I thought you were someone I didn’t know." I kept walking fast (I always walk fast.) and stepped into a restricted access door immediately without making any eye contact or anything after the initial recognition. I’m a little disappointed I spoke but I talk to myself (and anyone around me) all the time. I have a constant dialogue in my head and I let too much of it out for general consumption normally. Anyway after that I grabbed my stuff and made sure I walked out to my car with a group of people leaving. Thankfully no further sightings but I wasn’t looking around. We live in a small town. I haven’t had any sighting of AP or his wife in a long time and I was enjoying that way too much I guess. When I tell Knight he will murmur something under his breath about, "nothing that can’t be solved with a 5 gallon can of gas and a road flare." He will be bothered how ever much it bothers him and he will tell me what I can do or he will just want me to leave him to deal with it. I used to be bothered that coincidence still has the power to hurt him. I thought he should somehow reach indifference. AP should be meaningless to Knight. But I have realized that is not my ship to captain. It’s up to Knight. If murder fantasies are what he does to cope that’s up to him. I made the choices that inflicted the injury. I don’t get to choose how he heals or on what timeline. So that’s what’s up for us going into the weekend. Fun times.

Also I just realized I didn’t say anything about my internal reaction to the sighting. It was yuck. The feelings were: a little shock, disappointment in myself, ick feeling, a little nausea, and then after the fact a helping of WTF (like I truly do understand the A was about my brokenness but we really do "A" DOWN). I don’t know if this is a comfort to any of y’all or not but I can assure you there is no tine scrap of desire or wanting to look or anything like that at all. All I wanted was myself away from there. The prevailing overall theme of that few seconds of my life was slight nausea and just ick.

Whether it's WhatsApp or whatever messaging platform, it is quite common for spammers to spoof a person's account and send junk mail/texts to everyone on their address book. I once got a realistic looking message from my long dead uncle's account. It's good that you shared this with hubby immediately. Hopefully this won't even be a thing in a few days.

Ragn,
I deleted the contacts from my phone and from the messaging app. So hopefully that can’t ever happen again.