SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all.

The short version of my story is:

I (30m) was with my GF (28f) for 6,5 years. She wanted to marry for years, I said I will without a doubt marry her when I finish my degree. I don't want to step into a marriage without being able to provide.

First 5 years were the perfect relationship. People keep telling me "it cant be perfect if she did what she did" but thats just what it is. No fights, no arguments. Just pure love and fun.

Year 5.5 I have developed what I would say severe depression, while she did the same. She was smoking weed everyday, neglecting her friends and family while I was burnt out due to University stress and my inner pressure to finally start my career.

This resulted in me studying non stop. 10-12 hours a day. I've let myself go. Didn't shave, stopped working out, pale skin, no sex drive and if we had sex I only did my part. I stopped going out at all, was home EVERY DAY.

After a while she communicated her needs clearly. She tried and tried to get through to me. Tried to rebuild the bond, tried to talk to me about her issues, tried to animate us to go out and have a date night.

Nothing. I actually dismissed her feelings and just responded with "look, at the moment I gotta make this university stuff work." but in hindsight I simply neglected her which is not the right way to handle a relationship.

Looking back I see how she tried, and tried, and tried. She is incredibly good looking and eventually a married co-worker started to give her attention.

They ended up doing it all. Full-blown affair, the worst way. Sex everyday. In the car, at our home, at his home, expensive dates.

She is no bad person. She is a very kind and loving character who just made a really bad decision. I cannot hate her, I cannot blame her, while I also cannot blame myself that much because I know at the time I did my best, although ti wasnt enough.

I'm in a complete void. I cannot feel anything and therfor cannot seem to make progress emotionally. I'm stuck in a constant state of initial shock.

QUESTION:
If your story is similar to mine, if you also neglected your relationship / your partner for too long, how do you cope with it?

How do you get rid of the guilt and self-blame for how things ended?

what is your current status? Are you two still together or are you living apart? Has she moved on and doesn't want anything to do with you?

There are many, many ways she could have handled her situation instead of cheating on you, as I am sure you are well aware. Instead she decided to betray you.

Granted, from what you say, you were not the world's greatest partner. You had a goal in mind and you shut out everything in your life that could have gotten in way of that goal, including your partner.

However, you do not have any superpowers. You do not have the ability to make someone else do anything in this world short of using force or abuse. It was her decision to spread her legs for a married man, and her decision alone.

Try not to beat yourself up. If there is no future for the two of you, then you have learned a valuable lesson in how to be a partner, and you will be a better partner in your next relationship.

You ask how to cope. My only suggestion is to repeat to yourself over and over each day something like "I can only control what is in my power to control. I need to let go of everything I have no power or control over". Or, you can make up something similar. If you have finished your university studies, then you might have to time read an author I like to read, Ryan Holiday.

Others will come along who can help you much more than me.

Good luck to you.

We are done.

After she confessed what she had with him, she begged and pleaded for weeks for me to take her back. Literally crying, making every promise. Showing deep guilt, remorse and regret.

I love her.

At some point I figured that if she truly regrets what she has done, I might give reconciliation a chance.

3 weeks later she left me again. Said she cannot deal with the guilt. pain, and burned ground.

Eversince I am a wreck. There are days I literally just wanna die. I was in a solid headspace before she confessed (it took her 5 months post breakup to finally stop the gaslighting and admit the affair) but after she chew me up and spit me out again, eversince I literally am not the same person anymore.

The betrayal runs really really deep here. She was the last person I would've thought would be capable of doing this. Getting involved with a married, with kids, co-worker behind my back.

The worst pain is that I know how good of a woman she is. She knows how to treat a man. She is very loving and caring. Stunningly beautiful. Low-maintenance even.

I just truly regret taking such a woman for granted and I'm having a hard time blaming her for cheating on me.

I am so sorry.

It’s understandable to look back and take stock of what went wrong.

One thing.

Did you tell that man’s wife?

They had sex in your house.

Excuse my French but F@&k him.

You can examine your relationship with her but he is very straight forward.

Tell his wife.

A little revenge is ok.

Welcome to SI, sorry had to find us. None of her cheating is your fault, you did not make her go and insert herself someone else’s M.

People keep telling me "it cant be perfect if she did what she did" but thats just what it is. No fights, no arguments. Just pure love and fun.

Gently, She is not the person you think she is, she lied and betrayed you in the worst way. Having sex your home, with a married man.

Please read "The Healing Library" on the main page and the pinned topics above, you need to work on healing and realize you dodged a bullet not marrying her. She has failed to be your Wife.

The worst pain is that I know how good of a woman she is.

You can believe that, but I’m sure the man’s wife would disagree.

She knows how to treat a man. She is very loving and caring.

No, not even close, someone actively cheating is none of the above. I’m not trying to be harsh, I’ve been in your shoes. I made all the excuses for my WW and when it was all said and done, I had to accept what she was actually capable of.

First man, you need to stop with this "she’s a good woman" mentality. No. She’s anything but. She’s a liar and a cheater. You were a shit partner for a while, so what? That’s what happens in long term relationships, things get complicated and tough, but that’s no excuse to cheat. She could have left, especially since you’re not even married, that’s all she had to do. Now, she also cheated on you with a married man. What’s good about that? Being part of a relationship that will likely destroy a family? Ask any of the BWs on this forum how they feel about the Other Woman. She isn’t good, at all. You know how you feel, how do you think his wife is or will feel when she finds out? His kids?

Your ex isn’t a good person. She has no character, no morality, and is incredibly self centered. She would have cheated on you no matter what you did or didn’t do. Her actions prove it. You could have been the absolute best BF in the world, she still would have cheated. Don’t blame yourself for her actions.

You know why she left you 3 weeks later right? To go back to being an AP for her married man. That "guilt and shame is too much" is absolute nonsense. Don’t be surprised when she comes back after she gets dumped by the guy. Because he very likely will. Cheating men rarely want to leave their wives.

I am being blunt, but I do know what you are feeling. I too blamed myself for my WW awful decisions. She chose to cheat, and I can’t stress enough how despicable it is to cheat with a married man.

She knows how to treat a guy only when it benefits her. She did you a favor, showed you her true colors before you got married.

If you’re not, block her, go completely no contact, heal yourself, learn the lessons. If you know who this guy is, you need to tell his wife. She deserves to know her WH true colors.

You cope by getting off the couch, getting IC for your depression, make yourself a better person and live each day like its your last. Self flagellation is understandable, but there has to be a limit.

See the healing library for tools on this, especially the 180.

And you make sure that if you are really done, then go 100% no contact. No point in picking the scab.

And resolve to be a better person in your next relationship.

Gently, good people don't have an affair with a married man, or any man for that matter.

Please inform the man's wife of the affair. She deserves to know she is living a lie. Her home? Your home? Please, please do the right thing and inform her. Too many of us here wish someone, anyone who knew about the affair would have given us our agency with the truth.

If your gf was that unhappy she could have left the relationship instead of cheating. She had other choices, she chose the most destructive one.

Please find a good counselor for yourself to help with the loss of your relationship and your depression.

In my situation, my husband was the one who cheated and he was the one neglecting the marriage busy with his career and his hobby.

You know why she left you 3 weeks later right? To go back to being an AP for her married man. That "guilt and shame is too much" is absolute nonsense. Don’t be surprised when she comes back after she gets dumped by the guy. Because he very likely will. Cheating men rarely want to leave their wives

.

^^^I was thinking the same thing, may not be true in your case, but we've seen it time and again here.

Please check out the Healing Library, tons of great articles that might help you process this trauma.

You know what healthy good kind and loving people do when a relationship is not working for them anymore? They break up. They get into therapy. The communicate with their partner. They take up knitting.

You know what good kind and loving people do not do to their significant others? They don't choose to cheat.

You know what selfish not good people do when a relationship is not working for them anymore? They start having sex with a married person, therefore ruining their relationship as well as contributing to ruining another one as well and doing insane amounts of damage to the betrayed partners in the process. Oh and then they blame their betrayed SO for it.

You know what selfish cheaters do when they are confronted with their BS's pain? They bounce.

YOU are in NO WAY to blame for her choice to cheat. I don't care what you did or didn't do, how little attention you paid to her, how depressed you were or not, nothing YOU did or didn't do caused her to cheat. SHE did that. She made the choice to cheat and do enormous damage to you because of her lack of character (and I feel you shaking your head, but for reals cheaters do not have moral fiber or character). I get that no one is all bad, but cheaters by their very nature are not 'good' 'kind' or 'loving'. it is not good kind or loving to do that level of damage to another person. Please really see this, even if it hurts. While taking accountability is a good thing, you do not have to (and should not) take accountability that is hers to own.

As for how you cope? Take your time to heal. Get into therapy. Definitely make changes if YOU want to (if you were neglectful and want to learn different ways to not repeat that in a future relationship, then by all means do that) - this is how you can take your accountability for YOUR actions and to learn better for next time (just reiterating though - your actions did NOT cause her to cheat). Hang in there - it will take time to heal from this and you are very early in the process.

wrong thread.

[This message edited by Bor9455 at 8:42 PM, Wednesday, August 23rd]

First of all she betrayed you and it was her choice, but there is nothing to minimize it but there is also nothing to demonize her.
Your situation is not uncommon. That she left you a second time is not surprising, after DD and the revelation of what happened you took her back, it's what she 'wanted', but by doing so it showed her that you are not the assertive and strong man she wanted or knew. It was also a turn off, it's like a power play, she did wrong and wants forgiveness but if she gets it, she's also disappointed because it shows lack of strength. I've seen that many times.
You are not resonsible for her choice to cheat on you. But you are responsible for other things.
My advice is; move on and never forget that a healthy relationship is dependent on two partners, never take your partner for granted and care for your relationship. Even if you are in a tough place with your work never take your partner and relationship as a matter of course.

Brother, I am soirry you are in this situation. It's one most of us here have been in, and got the T-shirt to prove it.

She is no bad person. She is a very kind and loving character who just made a really bad decision.

She is EXACTLY the definition of a bad person. She isn't kind, although we can certainly argue that she is loving....she just loves cheating. And to clarify, it isn't a bad decision, it's a campaign of conscious poor decisions that she made on a daily basis knowing full well that the consequences were going to be catastrophic for you. She didn't care then, and she sure as hell doesn't care now.

Sleeping with a married man just takes it to the next level again.

So what are you going to do? Firstly, you start getting active. You start eating healthy. You start taking some time for yourself in regards to doing some hobbies that will take your mind off things.

Also, be gentle on yourself. The loss of a relationship to betrayal is akin to grieving a death; and in all cases, the person you knew died. In many ways she never existed. She's a cheater who fucked a married man and was willing to throw his family and you under her selfish hedonistic bus, that's who she is.

First 5 years were the perfect relationship. People keep telling me "it cant be perfect if she did what she did" but thats just what it is. No fights, no arguments. Just pure love and fun.

It could've looked perfect, but you didn't know her.

She was the last person I would've thought would be capable of doing this.

She was always capable of it.

She is a very kind and loving character who just made a really bad decision.

One decision? She made thousands of bad decisions through her affair.

3 weeks later she left me again. Said she cannot deal with the guilt. pain, and burned ground.

Look closely at what you've written. It's not that she can't deal with the damage she caused to you. She can't deal with her own guilt and image problems. With her own pain. With her own feelings. By leaving you again, she chooses the best road for herself. It's only about her, just like her affair.

after she chew me up and spit me out again, eversince I literally am not the same person anymore

Don't you think that is strange? After you did what she wanted, you've ended up in much worse place.

[This message edited by Stich at 2:39 PM, Thursday, August 24th]

Thank you to anybody taking their time and commenting.

Most of the stuff I always hear is that she could've just broke up with me. While I objectively agree, the thing is that I believe life just doesn't play that way. In the end she tried fixing things, making me aware of the situation up until she met her AP.

She did not want to leave us, she fought till the very end. Looking back I literally can pin point the day where she gave up on us. And just like 2 months later she broke up with me.

So if anything, she didn't really cheat on me. She more likely monkey branched out of the relationship. Which again, is still pretty bad. But I understand her. Life doesnt play your way at all times. I'm just so disappointed in myself for not realizing how damn amazing this woman was to me. She stuck with me through thick and thin. When I was broke, even when I was unattractive for some time. It was true love, I swear. And this true, safe and deep love made me SO COMPLACENT that I just literally didn't value her anymore.

I find it disgusting that she did not tell me she cheated for all that time.

For 5 months I was damn sure about what happened, with some light proof even. But she looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me. It screwed with my intuition so much. I feel like I am destroyed from inside out, because at the end I even 100% believed her.

It's just so god damn hard to cope with the fact that me, and average joe guy, with an average joe job, with an average joe apperance, had this wonderful, loving relationship with this woman who used to honor the way we walked on, who looks like a god damn instagram model, who knows how to cook, clean, have fun and always be tidied up.

How could I take this relationship for granted?! I will never understand. 7 months now and I just cant let go. The pain is so unbearable sometimes I just do not want to wake up.

I think the problem here is that you have very low self-esteem. This 'average joe' mentality is affecting your judgment on her behavior and choice of cheating on you.(Other people here will explain you how its affecting). You have a naive and immature perspective on relationships, commitment, her behavior, and choice of adultery.

You are overlooking one key factor here. She had an affair with MARRIED MAN. She chose to destroy a woman and that woman's children's life who had nothing to do with her.

life just doesn't play that way.

This is fatalist philosophy. A philosophy that doesn't believe people have free will and can shape their life as they want. It believes everything that happens is predetermined, and nothing could alter it. It takes away the accountability from people for their choices.

Are you saying your partner had no other alternative to having AFFAIR with a MARRIED MAN. If yes, then why didn't she choose those options?? Our choice of actions exposes our codes of morality and personality. They demonstrate the strength of our integrity. She has none. She is immoral. She has flawed personality. She lacks integrity. Period. Defending her will only strengthen her resolve to walk on the path of degeneracy that she is walking now.

Your best bet now is to forget her. And move on. Focus on your degree. Focus on your career. Work on your flaws and issues. Become a better partner.

I absolutely had a naive thinking of relationships. The last 6 years were like a day dream. I just went about my life without putting effort into the relationship. It worked for a long long time. Because we got along for most of the time.

But when times got rough, I was of the impression "well, we love each and as long as one doesn't cheat or abuse the other, we'll stay together".

I didnt acknowledge that relationships take work and effort. She did. And she tried her best to communicate that.

Now regarding her affair.

It is absolutely frckin disgusting to me that she did that with a MARRIED, WITH KIDS, HUSBAND. Absolutely. This is by far the worst pill to swallow, that the girl I met in school, was capable of doing this. This is without any morales, it is insane.

The betrayed wife didnt even really care. She basically said that "she will do anything to become more like her (my ex)". I guess she's just happy her husband is making tons of money and dominates her.

But nontheless, I cannot understand how she could do that.

But at the same time I absolutely know for sure that she will NEVER cheat again. She is disgusted by herself. Absolutely ashamed of her actions.

And yet the only thing I can think of is "her next man will get a purified version of her."

The only thing you can do is learn from your own mistakes and take that learning into future relationships.

Your ex should have ended the relationship if she was unhappy and she should not have engaged with a married man but as this forum shows many people forget their morals and embark on affairs leaving a trail of devastation behind.

Be kind to yourself. It is good you recognise your own faults as a partner as it gives you the ability to learn from it. I did similar in letting myself go and focusing on other things rather than my relationship but this does not mean either of us are to blame for our partners having an affair. They are responsible for their choices. Ending the relationship would have caused devastation but not betrayal. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship and to heal

But at the same time, I absolutely know for sure that she will NEVER cheat again. She is disgusted by herself. Absolutely ashamed of her actions.

Heard that many times from many WS. Only a few stick to that. So, let her actions speak, not her words. The fact that she didn't think much about other BS and her children makes me feel she could have cheated regardless of your treatment of her. It was a matter of opportunity. She saw one. She took one.

I didn't acknowledge that relationships take work and effort.

It's a very mature thing to accept your flaws and your commitment to address them. I hope you are serious about it. Work on your issues, learn your lessons, and be a better partner in your future relationship. Good luck.

And yet the only thing I can think of is "her next man will get a purified version of her."

This is a really normal thing to feel. But can I share something with you?
Changing who they are with does not change who they ARE.
She is a person with no integrity. No moral center. No empathy. No personal accountability. A person who selfishly devastated her partner, blamed him for it, then discarded him because it was too hard for her to face up to and own the damage she did. My friend, she is NOT a good person. And the next guy will get the SAME person that did this to you. I know it hurts, but the next guy ain't winning anything but a sparkly turd.

Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 9:11 PM, Thursday, August 24th]