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Those of you that ended up divorcing, does it help the pain? That heavy in the chest sadness? Did the triggers stop.
Thank you.

Once you are able to reach a final conclusion for yourself-- that R is no longer possible, or a viable option, then yes, it helps immensely.

You're cutting out a cancer in your life. It removes distractions, reminders, worrisome thoughts... you begin to let go of needing to complete the puzzle, and realize the puzzle wasn't worth completing because you already knew what it was.

It was a duck, not a dog. You don't have to be told it's a dog anymore. you can accept it was a duck, and move on.

100% yes. Once I came to the conclusion that it was messed up to imagine staying in a relationship where the person I was supposed to trust the most betrayed me so completely to the point that I would be experiencing lifelong trauma, pain (however big or small) and triggers due COMPLETELY to their actions should I decide to stay with them, it was like a weight was lifted from my heart.

You'll still go through the sadness - I still get a little sad sometimes still (6 months out from DDay2) - but it's sadness over the things I thought I had: A trustworthy, loving, loyal partner, the plans for our future together, etc. Once I finally got my heart to admit that's not what I had with my XWS, things were much easier. He could have become the "model partner" (As some R'd couples have described their WS becoming after their A) and it wouldn't have mattered to me.

I fully agree with @swoned's description of "letting go of needing to complete the puzzle". You have to come to terms within yourself that your WS is not worth R'ing with.There are people out there who never cheat, you deserve one of them.

For me, it did help. It took about a year of living in my own place to realize that I was content. Of all things, I was humming along with the radio....

The nightmares finally stopped, I no longer physically jump when I hear AP'S name or city where she lives. I'm able to remember some things fondly, like a particular vacation spot.

The remote is mine and I can watch what I want. Or I can read a book without being accused of not paying attention to him, or neglecting our relationship.

I don't have to be the marriage police and track times or web history.

It helped immensely. I have no more triggers or ruminations about my ex or his A’s. My xWS was not remorseful, NPD and a slew of other emotionally abusive attributes. I believe even if he had been remorseful I was the type of person that this was always a dealbreaker and would have haunted me to the end of time. I’m no longer haunted I am living and I am happy now and at peace. I haven’t regretted leaving, not once.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:42 AM, Sunday, May 28th]

During the time I was attempting R, I would wake up every morning and feel my heart break, only to have it become dead again as the evening came. It was the slow death of my soul. On the night I told my WW we were done, I slept in peace for the first time in years.

Make no mistake, the journey from there was very difficult, but it was a journey towards something. Now, 5+ years later, I sm largely healed. I did the work and can hold my head high. There were many nights I felt unbridled despair, but it was a transitory emotion. It always gave way to peace, largely because I had excised the root of my trauma from my life.

Now, I am dating an amazing woman xnd find myself feeling hopeful for the future, something I could never have imagined at the beginning. You will read many stories here about regret, but I cannot remember one about a BS regretting leaving a cheater. You have one precious life. Choose how you will live it

Thank you everyone for the replies. I'm not ready to make any big decisions at the moment but you all gave me plenty to think about.

I'm not divorced yet but going through the process and yes - for me, this has been easier on me than when I tried to reconcile. It is hard going and the practical aspects are a bit overwhelming for me, but emotionally it has been easier for me to deal with. Partly because I think for me, reconciliation was never a decision I was 100% happy with.

Those of you that ended up divorcing, does it help the pain? That heavy in the chest sadness? Did the triggers stop.
Thank you.

In a word Yes.

However...

There are phases to how you will feel during and after the divorce.

One of the first phases is not very pleasant, you will feel all the emotions and questions as if you are sitting in a dentist’s chair. They will be raw, and sharp, and make you question everything about yourself.

In later phases, the sadness and triggers fade over time, alot like how scar slowly fades on the body.

The important part in my opinion was not to allow the X to define who I am, I defined it by living my life in the best way I could afterward.