SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Edit: I'm putting this up here because I know that many people don't read through all of the threads. I have said in this post and subsequent ones that yes, I'm willing to get a roommate (even though I'm not excited about it).

Right now, I'm leaning towards this being a terrible idea and just a way to continue contact (and pain shopping). I bought a place for me and xWBF a year ago and spent a LOT of money renovating it. The place is comfortably affordable on two incomes, incredibly uncomfortable on one. As in, I'm gonna be on a really rigid budget and house poor. I've been looking at options to get a roommate. I'm not thrilled about it, but it is what it is.

xWBF and I are in an in-house separation. He has told me her will give me a year's worth of his share of the "rent" next year, but can't do it all at once. I'll take whatever he gives me, but I'm also preparing for it to not appear (guilt wanes quickly with wayward). Last night, he proposed that he rent the place from me for a year and that I rent another place that is less expensive wherever I want (he knows I don't like the area where we live, but compromised on it so that he could have the space for his business). This would also allow him to easily keep the dog we have.

I told him I would think about it. While it sounds good on paper, I'm leaning towards "no" for a couple of reasons:

* I don't think I have the emotional capacity to find a place and move right now.

* I think that having a "landlord" relationship with him will just be too painful; that we need a clean break.

For those who ask "why not just rent the thing out entirely and go elsewhere" it's not quite that simple. We've only been in the place a year. Market rent for my place is *about* the same as the monthly costs (mortgage + insurance + maintenance). I also live in a place with very strong tenant laws. So if I get a tenant who stops paying or disappears in the middle of the night, I cannot (right now) afford the eviction or carrying the whole costs for several months.

Any input is appreciated.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 3:28 AM, Saturday, December 10th]

Not a real estate expert, but....

I wouldn't allow him to "rent" from you at all, whether as a live in room mate or a tenant.

Are there any ways you could vet a live in room mate that would NOT be your xBF and pay rent on the regular? Another woman - older w/ clean living habits or a younger grad student?

This will not be good for your mental health and recovery if you're having to wrangle rent from him every month.

I went through this way back when. It was the thought that the house would just be turned into a clubhouse for his fuckbuddies that made me just decide to sell the damn thing and move on. I don't share well with others, especially with only one bathroom. We were already $60K into a line of credit for renos, and another bathroom just wasn't in the cards.

I chose to sell and eventually wound up with my dream rental. Probably not the best decision financially but it brought me a lot of peace of mind.

YMMV

Sell it. No ties. No contact. Move on.

If I sell this place, I will take a substantial loss ($80-100K) and would be unable to buy anything else for years or even more than a decade. I also would not be in my "dream" rental as this is a VHCOLA. I would end up in a 'Okay' place that I don't really want to live.

I am not going to let his actions and decisions financially ruin me. He is not entitled to any equity in the home. I do not want to sell it. I would never consider him as a live-in roommate.

The place is comfortably affordable on two incomes, incredibly uncomfortable on one. As in, I'm gonna be on a really rigid budget and house poor.

I am not going to let his actions and decisions financially ruin me. He is not entitled to any equity in the home. I do not want to sell it. I would never consider him as a live-in roommate.

I think you have your answer then. I will say I ended up in a similar situation when I divorced. It was incredibly tight for a few years. Lot of PB&J and soup for dinner, but my housing costs stayed flat. After finishing paying off the car and the raises I received eventually It worked itself out.

I have a rather strong view on this:
No. NEVER be his landlord, co-renter or whatever.
Never.

To be clear then I think you should NOT let him remain in the home, rent him the property while you move out or whatever.

To make it even clearer: In no way, form or manner should he be residing in any form of property – be it mansion, house, RV or tent – that is in any way your possession.

To make this maybe even clearer: No. Don’t let him reside in the same environment as you do, nor have him involved in any financial action that you might be dependent on.

This needs to be very clear. I have experience as a landlord because for the first 10 years or so we were dependent on rent from a small granny-house on our property. My experience was that the best renters were those that had no connection to you. Not relatives, friends, friends of friends… Out of the 8-10 tenants we had about half caused issues, ranging from late- or non-payment, damage to property and so on.
I think that the simple business process of being a landlord is complex enough. You need to have insurance (we eventually had tenants pay 3 months advance that was paid back in full at the end of lease if there was no damage), payment-guarantee and all that. If your finances are so tight that keeping the property is dependent on his payment… he has extreme control on his behaviors and interactions with you. Plus even an informal arrangement still ensures him tenant-rights. Now imagine holding a collections letter in your left hand while having to open the door to him with your right… Now imagine trying to throw him out and ending with the police escorting you out because of tenant-law.
Don’t think he will do this to you? Did you think he would cheat?

I challenge your claim about the hit on property value. I think its like when people state they cant divoce because its too expensive.
I challenge you to find alternative, ranging from finding a roommate, subrenting, refinancing, selling… whatever. Just don’t involve an ex into your life and finances.

I challenge your claim about the hit on property value. I think its like when people state they cant divoce because its too expensive.

I've actually done the math on this, and yes, I would take that level of a hit. I bought this condo in September of 2021 and put in about $85K of renovations. Even if I sold it for top dollar with no seller concessions (unlikely given the current market), I would take an $80K hit.

I challenge you to find alternative, ranging from finding a roommate, subrenting, refinancing, selling… whatever. Just don’t involve an ex into your life and finances.

As I've already mentioned, I think that finding a roommate is going to be the plan. Refinancing would actually raise the monthly payment as I have a 3% interest rate, not sure what subletting would do to help.... and selling would be financial ruin. I could pay for it all myself, but it would be VERY tight. We priced it planning on two incomes, but doable one one should something happen (e.g. a job loss).

What about you find a new roomate? If that person fails to pay you, you're not worst off. And if they end up being a good roommate, itll give you some breathing room for the next 1-2 yrs until you figure out your next move. Lots of people have roommates, so post something up on craigslist and see if you can rent out one of the rooms.

HT is right- my aunt had a number of roommates over the years. She took in single females, either older or grad students with compatible living habits (no smoking, heavy drinking or frequent male visitors).

Something to consider?

Oh hell no.

You’re breaking up with him and need to move on your life. Being his landlord means that he will be involved in your life, even if it’s at the periphery.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to stomach the idea of my cheating ex bringing other women into MY home.

Also, if you can’t trust him as a boyfriend why trust him as a tenant? It doesn’t sound like he was paying his fair share while he was with you so what makes you think he will follow through now that you’re broken up?

I think you would be much better off finding a nice room mate. You get to keep the home and you don’t have to deal with any bullshit or baggage from your ex.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:13 AM, Wednesday, December 7th]

Half Time is right. I did this when my EX-H left. I got the house and for reasons I won't bore you with, I couldn't afford it but wouldn't give it up. It was a four bedroom house and I got two room mates. There were times when it was great and times when it wasn't, but it was temporary, and it was the smartest thing I could have done.

And how would you feel if he brings the OW,or other women, into YOUR home? Would you be ok if they stay with him for awhile?

Yeah. No.

Get a room mate. You know it won’t be forever and as you say you have invested a lot financially and emotionally and don’t want to lose out because of his poor decisions.

A room mate doesn’t have to be or end in disaster. Remember there are lots of people just like us going through separation and divorces and they can’t all be mean and horrible and maybe just need that initial space to get their own lives in order. You can vet carefully and probably like I read often on here go with your gut, it’s usually right.

When you are financially straight you will look back with a huge smile and give yourself a pat on the back. You will have achieved so much, financial freedom, personal independence and won’t have him anywhere in the picture. Short term pain for long term peace of mind and body.

Be brave, don’t let him near your home if you don’t want to. Give it a go, if it doesn’t work with a room mate at least you tried and then re look at your options.

I haven't seen this mentioned in other comments, but do you have ways to decrease your other expenses or increase your income that doesn't rely on a roommate? So many variables, obviously. But if you have a job where you are getting regular salary increases, what feels tight but doable now could be very doable in a year or two. Or could you pick up extra hours at work (if you're hourly). Or pick up a part time job on the weekends to give you some breathing room?

Personally, I allowed a friend to stay with me for a few months when she was going through a breakup and I realized how much I value living alone. So I would do everything I can to keep that the case.

Mr. Money Mustache and Early Retirement are great websites that have tons of info about reducing expenses. Do you have things you could sell to help generate some cash? Do you have some subscriptions on auto-pay that you've forgotten about and could live without for a few years?

If I were in your situation 100% I'd follow Bigger's advice and cut all ties with WXBF, but I'd also try to figure out a way to get some more slack in my budget to keep living alone (since it sounds like you also are not super excited about a roommate).

@ph - I really don't have a lot of expenses. Other than the mortgage I have no other debt. I could afford to pay it all, it just means I would be on a very tight budget. I would also have to make some hard decisions around financial goals I have (I get paid with stock and cash as well as leverage an ESPP). Instead of selling/reinvesting my stock as it vests, I could just cash it out, cash out my ESPP instead of reinvest, etc.

I'm thinking about singing up for a program where you rent out a spare room to travel nurses and such. So I would have a roommate for a month or two here and there but not all the time.