SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, I joined this page in hopes of finding women who I can talk to who are staying in their marriage even after their husband cheated.... I find that as I write in the forums, I am being judge for staying and being told to leave. My husband, cheated more then once... They were not affairs more like "hood rats" or as others would know them as fast women in a fast life. These women did not know much about him besides his ex. They actually did not even know his name... I know sad right. Well I am trying to deal with the aftermath and emotional torture that comes with infidelity. I am trying to forgive but not forget. It is hard everyday. He came out of prison and basically acted single when he left the house. We now have 2 children. It really bothers me that everytime I had a child he cheated. I feel so overwhelmed with emotion. I do not have a lot of people to talk too. This past time I actually stood up to him. It was kind of like taking my power back, which felt good. I told him we were done and he could go. He left in his car, but. drove right back and asked for a second chance. I cried and gave it to him, which I probably should not have because honestly how do you trust again. he said this time if he does anything he will just pack and leave. I am not sure if he is telling the truth, because all he does is lie... you see I am not like the trash he is use to being with. They only cared about the $$$, meanwhile I actually care and love him. I feel like I do not know myself anymore... I started therapy and have been working hard to make sure that I am working on myself. I would love to speak to other women in my situation who trying to mend what has been broken. How do you get through you day? I have 2 little girls that I have to be strong for, but I feel like inside I am falling apart...

There are lots of women here who have reconciled with their formerly cheating husbands. I've reconciled with mine. The owner of this site is a gentleman who reconciled with his former wayward wife. There are tons of positive reconciliation stories here and lots of people who have reconciled. The distinction is that our formerly wayward spouses worked very hard to make themselves viable candidates for reconciliation. If you're getting push-back in the forum, it might be because your WS doesn't sound very promising in that regard.

Just wanted to say that I am in the same boat. I am hoping to reconcile with my WH and looking for advice from women who have done so successfully. It's very early stages for me (D Day last month), so I am still unsure and questioning things. What I do know is that I still love my husband and I want to be able to trust him again. I don't know if I'll get there, but that is my hope.

I only joined today, so I have mostly been sharing my story and replying to responses in the JFO forum. I, too, have gotten some discouraging feedback. Not necessarily being judged, but letting me know that it sounds like my husband is still not forthcoming with the whole truth.

I remind myself that everyone on here is sharing based on personal experience, and is likely to be distrusting because they were lied to in similar situations.

What I've decided to do is to take to advice I read on here, discuss it with my therapist, and then decide what works best for me. Some suggestions may be helpful, others counterproductive.

Best of luck working through everything. I expect we both have a long road ahead.

ChamomileTea If you're getting push-back in the forum, it might be because your WS doesn't sound very promising in that regard...

Im sorry but it does not sound promising to who? Although I respect others opinions when some says they are not going to leave at the moment, yet all the comments keep coming to leave I find that the support is not really there. My situation is different then a number of people as no one really understands when a man comes home from incarceration... or the old school Italian way. So I understand the feedback, but to continue to harp on a person who is looking for positive uplifting support or to hear other positive outcomes is just wrong.... no other way to put it. and its kind of sad.

BarelyHoldingItTogether: Unfortunately after sharing my story, I am being judged and its actually kind of sad. But in the end I know that not everyones situation is the same and what works for one does not work for the other. Its sad to some of the commentary I have received as instead of them trying to help or uplift it comes off negative. But I guess I have to remember where its coming from. Unfortunately, I am in the early stages but again; however I have higher hopes that this time may be different due to certain changes. I guess I have to remember where these remarks are coming from... and just take them with a grain of salt. However, I think its wrong to keep telling someone to leave when they have clearly stated they will not at the moment... I want to work through our issues;other people may give up easier but my culture and love for my husband does not allow me too. I am hoping to find someone else in my shoes or something similar.

There are other forums here that might help. In the "I can relate" forum there is a "Betrayed Womenz Thread" specifically for women. It doesn't get a ton of traffic but if you post in there, others will respond. There is also the "Reconcilliation" forum where you can read and talk to folks that are attempting to save their marriages.

When you are newly betrayed the advice here can sometimes feel brutal. In part because you are hurting so badly and you just want the relief that comes with hope.

But if you read here you will see that stories of infidelity follow a pretty common trajectory, despite the wide variety of people and circumstances. Because of that folks can almost predict what is coming for you. Because it came for us! And the slew of others who came before us.

So the advice is actually meant to let you see what might be coming, how to get in front of it and protect yourself AND THEN how to save your marriage, if that is what you want.

There are countless stories of betrayeds getting repeat DDays, trickle-truthed or gaslit in the early days. THAT most often leads to the divorce no one wanted. Most advice is actually aimed at stopping that from happening to you, as much as one can. So if you can reframe a bit and see it as others further down the road warning you of the potholes they fell in while traveling your same path maybe it won't feel as hurtful to you?

I believe there is always hope. Two people can make anything happen if they are both committed to it. But first you must get out of infidelity and that means knowing the full truth of your husband, his affair and your marriage. And you must feel safe so you can heal. Only after you have done some healing can the real work on your marriage begin.

My situation is different then a number of people as no one really understands when a man comes home from incarceration... or the old school Italian way. So I understand the feedback, but to continue to harp on a person who is looking for positive uplifting support or to hear other positive outcomes is just wrong.... no other way to put it. and its kind of sad.

BrokenAngel, you see, what are you trying to get from this forum is to help you justify your behavior and attitude towards your WH's infidelity. Or in other words, to put lipstick on a pig. It does not work to your benefit in real life, only in your own little world of fantasy. Almost all forum participants realized this fact sooner or later. Your story is no different on a major scale than any other story here. Please keep in mind that no one wants to put you down or that you experience negative feelings in a long run. People here are not bitter; they just wise and know something that you may not yet know and are willing to share. The Truth is that you're trying to hide Reality from yourself. Though, you didn't divulge the reason your WH was in prison, based on the drips of info, certain things can become quite clear. I personally suggested that you read the book to help you to understand your situation with this type of people. It's your decision to do this or not.

By the way, I absolutely understand what you're going thru, as my friend was in sort of similar situation. She's a professional, "fell in love" with former felon who was in prison for 15 yrs, had a child with him. They were just 2 broken people finding each other. To make the story short, they were finally separated while staying in contact, probably because of the child, and he passed away in his apartment at 50. When I met her by accident after not seeing her for couple of years, she cried, apologized because I was right. He was a charming guy, well spoken, everybody liked him, however, only few saw his true side: lying, manipulative, controlling, etc. And my friend swept his true character under the rug, trying not to pay attention and stay away from reality.

I also had an opportunity to meet quite a few men out of prison as my neighbors lead the program for men and women out of prison. Only twice in their experience they saw the real change. I met one of them in person. All others, liars, stealing money and property from them, arrogant, but at the same time.... quite charming, charismatic personalities. So, unsuspecting good people get trapped to their false facade.

Reconciling or D gets you out of infidelity. Only your love towards your WH won't do a dime. Love must be tough. And your WH, in order to reconcile must be safe and healthy, with moral grounds. You can't build the Real Marriage on a shifting sand, with shitty foundation. It takes a real and hard work for WS to change the thought patterns, gain vision, priorities,responsibility, step into reality from fantasy world, in other words, Mature. Is this what in your opinion bitter and does hurt?

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 3:06 PM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

I don’t think people are judging you but are providing their experience having been in a similar situation. But if it negatively affects you then don’t put too much stock into those posts.

I believe in a different thread I posted that it sounds like your H doesn’t love himself so therefore it would be hard to live someone else.

I am not weighing in on his family upbringing but if he grew up in a home where lying snd cheating was swept under the rug, that is an issue that is hard to overcome because it’s learned behavior and easily justified.

I am one who R with my H after his second affair. I’m glad to see you stood up to your H and you feel you took your power back.

However to happily R it takes both parties to be fully committed to the same ideals. Monogamy. Communication. Respect. Caring. Empathy. Commitment.

However you always have the option to accept him "as is" and just know that he may cheat again. And if he does you will not be blindsided by it because you expected it or were better prepared for it.

Having your own counselor is most important IMO.

I hope this helps you. We want you to be happy and in a good place, hopefully with your H who is no longer a liar and cheater.

Please stop using his jail time and culture to excuse his cheating. Those are just excuses and his cheating is a choice. And his cheating has nothing to do with you. I hope you know that.

So I understand the feedback, but to continue to harp on a person who is looking for positive uplifting support or to hear other positive outcomes is just wrong.... no other way to put it. and its kind of sad.

I think that your discomfort with negative opinions about your WS and where your marriage is at this stage is pretty normal. The reason why people on here who have been through it are not just giving you positive stories ESPECIALLY in the beginning, is because focusing on the positive outcomes allows many people (certainly me when my WH's A had just been discovered) to overlook the bad things AND skip over all the work that happened in order for these positive stories to happen. Most of us on here - myself included - realize that refusing to really look at, and understand, all of the very difficult issues you are going to face IF you have a chance at successful R, usually has a bad result.

The biggest issue is that you can't do this on your own. Change HAS to come from your WS or this cycle will repeat over and over again. I too thought my situation was special due to my WH's employment situation - and in some ways it is as the usual advice of "he should quit his job" for people whose spouse cheated with a co-worker was not that simple for us due both to the very weird nature of his employment and his need to stay employed due to his disabled daughter's ongoing health care. And I can tell you, I rode that "specialness" for a long time. In my mind it excused a lot of what he was doing and I convinced myself that my situation was different from a lot of posters and ignored their advice. I did this to my own peril as most of my situation was the same as everyone else on here. Unfortunately yours is too. While not all of us had incarcerated spouses, honestly, your situation sounds like many many others - but your mind wants to excuse his behavior because you love him. That too is normal.

That being said, you can, and should take what advice you want and ignore and/or file away the rest. I can tell you that there was SO MUCH VALUE for me in reading and digesting what others would say - the stuff I didn't want to hear - as I returned to it later on, when I realized that keeping on the rose colored glasses was not only not helping me, but hurting ME. Then, when I was open to some of that advice, I changed things. You will find that while you cannot control what your WS does, you CAN (and should) control YOU. It's the best gift you can give to your kids.

BTW after several years of infidelity I sort of stayed with my WH (we are no longer married but we do date now - but my commitment to him/any relationship with have is on a much lesser scale that it was before which is exactly how I like it at this time). My WH continued to cheat after being discovered by me, multiple times - so I do know some of what you are going through. And I can tell you things with my WH did not change until I decided and made it clear I would no longer tolerate being with him while he continued on that path and left him. Again, we are still sort of together, BUT its now on terms I am okay with and I am much much much happier than staying in the relationship I had before.

So I say this with as much kindness as possible - as I did precisely what you are doing in the beginning: Your house has burned down and you want to look at pictures of fully rebuilt beautiful homes, which is fine - but don't forget to ask the owners of those rebuilt homes all the time and stress and effort to get them - their process, and as the house represents their marriage - how their WS responded to and addressed the situation is KEY to their success. You can't rebuild your marital "house" on your own. You can't FIX your WS - they have to. Once they work on themselves, then, sometimes, they can work on the marriage too. In the beginning I just wanted to look at the rebuilt houses and think how that was what I wanted too - but I ignored that my WS at the time had no interest in doing anything productive to rebuild - and that ultimately ended up with years of pain for me...and it likely will for you too if nothing changes. That is why you are getting the advice you are - because once you've been through this you don't want anyone else to suffer the way you have.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:44 PM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

The1stWife Please stop using his jail time and culture to excuse his cheating. Those are just excuses and his cheating is a choice. And his cheating has nothing to do with you. I hope you know that.

I am not using his jail time as an excuse; not sure where you think that is a thing. However, I do know that it can stunt your growth. I do not think its right that he has done me wrong, but I also know it is hard to assimilate into society after years of incarceration. As for culture, he is not Italian. I am speaking from my culture; we do not divorce it is frowned upon. I actually did not marry an Italian, because I know what that comes with. When I say Italian, I am talking about real Italians. and yes there is a big difference. I am not speaking on your post, but for someone to keep telling me to leave when I have respected their opinion and then to keep coming back with the same things...as he won't change or your marriage is not real. I am sorry, but that is not helpful and extremely negative. I myself do not like negativity. So if they are living in misery it does not mean you try to bring others down with you. Of course hearing you deserve better or their experiences are fine, but to pass judgement is not okay.

I stayed in the marriage and the top reason, money. Financially having been a SAHM and having no access to our funds for many years I painted myself into a corner and couldn't see a way out.

Do I have regrets? Absolutely, a ton of them actually. Do I consider our marriage reconciled? That's a hard no. Honestly in my eyes there isn't a marriage, he destroyed that with his long term affair. Trust? No and I would never trust anyone again in regard to a relationship.

I received many "why don't you just leave" comments, but I also received supportive ones from those who understood and even more supportive talks from the members here I am blessed and honored to call friends.

I was always of the mindset that any wife who stays with a cheating husband must be out of her mind. I was judgemental as hell. That was before I ever met my WH and cheating boyfriends were immediately cut off and all contact ended. That's part of my struggle, I never stayed with a cheater, it goes against every fiber of my being. You know what? When it happens to you, and there are multiple factors at play, it changes things. No one knows your life and your situation better than you. No one is going to help you be able to find a place to live, a job, or pay bills. They may have walked in your shoes regarding infidelity but all the other components are varied in each situation.

Looking back I wish with all my heart that when my youngest was a toddler, my daughter becoming a teenager and my mom was pre dementia and would have been able to help me, that I had gotten out. Yet being married to a narcissist adds so many other layers to it all, including your self esteem and self worth being decimated. It makes it harder to make a move.

I have told members here to just leave but primarily it's towards those who aren't yet married to their cheater. Breaking off a relationship is always hard but made exponentially harder once married with a family. I do admire and envy those married who do get out and move forward and wish I was part of that club.

All our stories have common threads but there are also unique circumstances as well. I do believe those who say to get out say it with the best intentions but only you know the full extent of what you are dealing with.

ThisIsSoLonely: Although I appreciate your commentary. I am not with rose colored glasses. I was the first time I found out, but now my eyes are wide open. He is well aware of what I expect and will tolerate. The first time I literally had just conceived my daughter, so I suffered internally and tried to just care for my child. I look at it like this, ultimately it is my decision to leave or stay. I am staying for my kids and because I love him, but I am not blind. I will not tolerate anymore disrespect and he is well aware. My therapist actually said I am in a good position now mentally even though I am still a little flooded with emotions. it is actually extremely common for a person who comes out of prison after years of incarceration to cheat, but I am not accepting that as an excuse. I am looking to just work on myself and just hope he can get himself together. He is already aware that if he does it one more time he has lost his family.

MalibuBayBreeze : Thank you for that. See this to me is a response I find to be great. I myself have never stayed with a cheater, I also have never been a cheater. so it is a hard thing to swallow. I do not need to stay with him for money, as I do work; however I have small children and it is hard when you have a family to separate. I hope and pray he will come to his senses, but I know this is my last straw. Eventually people get tired. I myself am just tired. I will try to reconcile only if he stops, but if there is another action that I find disrespectful to our matrimony then we are done. I am in counseling right now to deal with the emotional torture; I have been making progress. Which is great. this is the first step I took for myself... I always take care of everyone else, but now its time to start taking care of myself

Hi BrokenAngel, I am so sorry you have a reason to join us but I am glad you have found us. I know and understand how you feel and I can confirm that many of us (likely the majority) have felt the same feelings you are feeling right now. You so desperately want to hear that the life/future that you envisioned and planned for will remain intact. That you can still have the marriage that you thought you had. I promise, even with the advice or thoughts you don't want to hear, we are NOT judging you for wanting to maintain that life. We are just further on in our journey and we want to help you avoid our own mistakes that prolonged our own healing or put ourselves at a disadvantage.

You know the old adage "I wish I had known then what I know now"? Rather than speak to your specific situation, I will tell you what I would have told myself if I had the chance.

1. Trust your gut. The reason why his answers only make you feel better temporarily is because it is all bullshit. The lady who reached out to tell me that she had an affair with my husband and my husband told me she was "crazy". Well women don't up and get crazy unless you give them a reason. She was indeed a looney toon, but its because my WH made her that way.

2. He will treat you the way you let him treat you. I turned myself into a pretzel trying to be what he wanted and needed. To be everything he needs. Now, five years later, I. AM. DONE. Literally, just recently (like two weeks ago) I have crossed the point of no return. I have stopped sharing a bed with him (and yes, stopped sex too), ceased sharing my thoughts, stopped asking him to spend time with me, and basically have started the 180. He has definitely noticed and he is panicking. He has gotten into intensive therapy and started going to the gym, changed his eating, changed his spending habits, quit drinking, has changed the way he talks to me and helping around the house. Pretty much started doing everything I have ever asked and more. I don't really give a fuck tho, I have given him years of chances and he waits until I am absolutely done to make the changes I have been begging him to make this whole time. If I had just drawn a hard line in the beginning, perhaps he would have made these changes then. If he does not have any consequences, then he will convince himself that what he did is not bad and he will have no reason to change.

3. You can not want it enough for both of you. You cannot respect yourself enough for the both of you. If he is not pulling his weight, reconciliation will fail. If he is not making the difficult changes to his core values, then he will not change.

My husband is an alcoholic, and the advice I got was very negative and literally foretold what eventually ended up happening. I didn't want to hear it, because it was not what I wanted and I felt super defensive. In the end, the posters on this site called it. I think the same thing that allowed me to believe his bullshit is the same thing that allowed me to reject the negative things I heard in this forum. "They are just bitter" or "they are just projecting their own situation on to me" were things I told myself. In actuality, they were just people on the side of the road trying to wave me down to warn me of the dangers ahead and advise me of a better route. I wish I had listened.

My apologies for making you feel insulted.

I don’t recall my recent posts telling you to leave him. My posts have said to face the fact he may not stop cheating AND if you choose to stay with him, you should be prepared for it so you are not blindsided again.

My job - I work with people who are returning to society after having been incarcerated. Is it easy to return to life after prison? No. But I can tell you I know plenty of people who leave jail who have nut cheated. I’m sorry your guy did.

And honestly, I am happily reconciled. I tried to tell you that it can happen. But I am okay taking the hits because I know the place it comes from.

Everyone here has been impacted by infidelity. We know what you are going through. You can DM me here or not if you need to vent or cry or anything.

I am one person here who always hopes for R. In very few instances do I tell people to leave the cheater. People can change. They can get past the Affair.

What I will tell you is that I can only base my suggestions on my experience, just like others here. And what we learn over time and what I personally experienced is that if a cheater has no remorse then they most likely will cheat again.

But there is always the possibility a cheater will change.

I hear you and can relate. I knew about one affair my husband had back in 1990 and suspected she was not his first. This past winter he decided to blurt out his past infidelities due to a COVID related psychosis. We have been married 52 years! Had I known about the extent of his cheating, I would have divorced him 32 years ago. It seems he started cheating when I was pregnant with our second child before three years of marriage. He continued cheating off and on for the next 32 years even though he said he only had sexual intercourse with three of them. He used no protection with any of them! One was a nude dancer, one was a barmaid and one was work related in 1990. I was totally devasted. I had gotten past the affair in 1990 but just found out that he had sex with her again after I thought it was over between them. He is a serial cheater. Now that I'm 71, he probably thought it wouldn't bother me because he has been faithful for the past 22 years. What a prick I married! It has been a nightmare for the past several months, but I can honestly say that he has been the most wonderful husband ever for the past few months. It's too bad he waited so long to finally have some respect for me. At this point in my life, I will probably stay and enjoy all of his catering to me. Now, it's all about me and you need to make it all about you. If he can't start treating you like a queen, leave him. Don't wait like I did. You already know about his cheating and you deserve better. I wish you the very best.

This forum is meant to share experiences and knowledge about similar situations to yours. There will be advice. Loads of it. You can't expect people to tell you what deep down you want to hear. Betrayal is HARD. People around here all have significant experiences with it. So the first thing to pay atention to is the way one seeks either R or D. You can't expect people to tell you to blindly go for R without a worrie after DDay. So they come and they willingly share that experience with you. The least one can do is be thankfull for that information - given free of charge - as we are in a public forum with many diferent people, with very diferent life experiences. And ALL valid experiences.

One should TAKE WHAT SUITS and LEAVE THE REST.

What one should never do is simply and batlantly disregard what very experienced forum members say - as many of what is said has got fundamental bases relying on years of infidelity experience around here.

Don't ever think people are saying to leave just as an easy way out/detached/no consideration comment. Consider the information wisely. At least put it all on the table and reflect upon it. To put it simple: even if you plan to, you SHOULD NOT reconcile as quickly as you are trying to do. You need time to access what the hell just happened in your life. Time for yourself.

By not doing so you are in for a train wreck in the future. I hope I'm wrong.

All the best.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 10:26 PM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

Eventually people get tired. I myself am just tired.

Yes they do, and I get it. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. This whole experience has been draining. As they say it's not a sprint it's a marathon. You do what you need to in order to maintain self care, it's so important especially with young children to care for which itself is exhausting. Try any way you can to find time for yourself doing what you like or nothing at all if that's how you feel.

I am in counseling right now to deal with the emotional torture; I have been making progress. Which is great. this is the first step I took for myself... I always take care of everyone else, but now its time to start taking care of myself

That's a great step. Again I know very well the feeling of putting yourself at the bottom of the priority list. Not good and damn right it's time to take care of you. I hadn't realized just how much I neglected my own needs until this insanity happened. It's eye opening not only in reference to our spouses but to ourselves as well.

You're doing right by yourself, now make sure you listen to your gut. If things feel off, chances are that's correct. Instinct and intuition are within us for a reason, make use of both.

I'm sorry if you felt I was judging you. I wasnt. I am trying to help you understand HE HAS TO DO THE WORK.Not you. No amount of you hoping he will stop cheating,will make him stop cheating. Even if he stops cheating,unless he does the work on himself, to change whatever it is in him that says infidelity is ok, he is still wayward. Still at risk of repeating his actions. Again..what work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner? Perhaps if you shared what he is doing, some of what you view as negativity will end.

I've been reconciled for over a decade. I'm not here because I live in misery. I'm here because this site helped me, long before I became a member.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:09 PM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

Thank you guys for the responses. Although some of you may not have had harsh comments (in my other thread), others did. For someone to tell me my marriage is not real is wrong... For someone to say he's a felon leave. Sorry I do not judge people and your judgements that you are passing on my situation are hurtful. My marriage is real, TruthIsPower. Its sad to see judgement coming from members who are supposedly trying to help others. No one knows if my marriage is real besides me and my husband... You all experienced Infidelity, so was your relationship fake? You have to understand that to bring someone down when they are dealing with a range of emotions is wrong. At the end of the day, I will just ignore the comments. But I am looking for actually help and not the negative Nancys. Yes, Infidelity has occurred, yes I need to learn to set boundaries, yes he is working towards R. I did not technically just find out, it was in Feb. but to me that's still new. I am working on myself and working on my marriage. No I am. not asking for Sugarcoating... But do not pass judgement or tell someone you need to leave. Thats not support.

As in the other thread from the sane OP, I don’t think we are helping. I think we should stop responding because our posts and advice are only causing more pain and anger to the OP.

Clearly that is not our intent.