SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m new here, and just looking for support. At the beginning of March, WH told me he had a ONS with a someone he used to work with, then I checked the bank account and saw some interesting charges. I confronted him and found out it was a full blown affair with a current co-worker. He was remorseful and said that it was over. He also said that OW was looking for a new job. He then would text me every time he had any interaction with her.

We each started IC and we started MC. Things seemed to be going okay. He wasn’t 100% sure he could fully commit to saving our marriage, but he was open to trying. He is currently working through some mental health stuff, so I said I would give him time to straighten his head out before we really dig in to reconciliation. We separated; he is living in our house, and I’m living with my parents and the dogs.

Last Saturday, he held me while I cried, and then that night he went to hang out with some friends. He texted me that he was going to spend the night at his friend’s house (understandable, as he had been drinking). Then, he stopped sharing his location (iPhone). Definitely not understandable. I was sure he was with OW. The next day, he told me a story about going to a strip club and not wanting me to see it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much BS that was. Yesterday, I told him to tell me what he really did, and he said they changed their mind about going to the strip club and got drunk and passed out. He swore that he did not contact OW that night.

Well, later on Monday, I was able to get into one of his accounts and saw that they had been chatting regularly. I confronted him and he swore it was nothing physical.

Monday after work we chatted, and I told him that he needed to break it off with her completely. He said that he wouldn’t do that. I told him that I don’t compete, and if he wants her, he can’t have me, so I will be starting the divorce process. Later on, through text, he admitted that he was with her on Saturday night. So, as much as I don’t want to, I feel that divorce is the only option at this point.

This whole time throughout this process he has told me how much he loves me and how he doesn’t want to get divorced. I don’t see any other option. This sucks.

We have been together 13 years and married for almost 10. I don’t know how to do this. I’m so lost right now. He was my best friend. He started medication for depression, and 3 months later our marriage is ending. I can’t believe this is happening.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 3:35 PM, Tuesday, April 5th]

I am sorry you are here, but it’s the best club you never wanted to be in.
You can’t R if he’s not 100% to it, so your options are limited and D is really your only option. This is hard stuff and you WILL get through it.

Please read the pinned post at the top about fear vs reality.

You might also read through the healing library — some great articles.

Stay in IC. This will help you navigate the range of emotions you are experiencing.
See a lawyer or three. Understand your rights- and what marital funds he has been spending. You need to protect your financial future.
Do you have kids, a stable job?
See a doctor and get full STD/STI testing. Protect your health.
Speaking of health, eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, and get some exercise every day. These really help.

Who do you have IRL to talk to? Time to gather your posse.

ONe thing to remember— his affair is 100% on him and his lack of integrity. THere is nothing you could have done or not done to prevent it — it’s completely on him.

Take care of yourself, post often. You are not alone.

Thank you for your encouraging words. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I hate it.

I’m seeing a lawyer later this week, and we don’t have kids. We have a frozen embryo though.

I have a good job, and I can afford to be on my own (knock on wood). I don’t want to though. This is so hard.

I’m trying to take care of myself, but it’s hard to care about anything right now. I have no appetite.

It’s so hard to let go. I keep thinking "what if?" Trying to do the 180. At least fake it ‘till I make it, I suppose.

I have my parents, brothers, and a few friends. I need to make more of an effort to get out. Maybe I’ll try yoga.

Don’t let him lovebomb you. His lips are flapping in the wind but his continued actions and intentions of keeping contact with the OW tell you all you need to know.

Once someone shows you who they are, believe them.

It’s so hard to let go. I keep thinking "what if?" Trying to do the 180. At least fake it ‘till I make it, I suppose.

It will be hard, but like you said: you don’t compete. You’re saving yourself from further pain by avoiding the pick me dance. No one wants to be in competition for their own spouse.

Hang in there. Stay the course. Once you get a lawyer, see if you can limit your contact with him through the lawyer only

[This message edited by Forks027 at 6:44 PM, Tuesday, April 5th]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you've set very healthy boundaries to protect your marriage and he is not responding properly. It isn't easy. I've been through this myself and it absolutely hurts. But you don't deserve to be with someone who will not respect you or tell you the truth. Hugs to you. We are here for you!

Folks on this site frequently (and rightful so) compare infidelity to abuse. They also often advocate for R even in the face of repeated D-Days/TT whatever. If a person physically abuses their spouse, and spouse decides to believe the ol' "it will never happen again" spiel and give the abuser a second chance, then WHAMMO! Another black eye - what sort of advice would we give? "Oh that's to be expected, you can't expect someone so deep in their abusiveness to just just STOP smacking you around!"

I wish I'd have understood how effed up that crap is when I had my first D-Day and when I first started reading here. I'd be miles further than I am. Instead, I get a new "fat lip" every couple of years or so. And now I feel like leaving over a few bruises is so silly, since I stayed through the vivisection!

D is the right move. You can't fix him. You can start fresh!

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It helps me stay stronger.

He’s still meeting up with his AP and chatting with her. I found out he did something with her on his birthday instead of me. That crushed me. I kicked him out yesterday and he’s staying with a family member. I told him he can’t have both of us, and I can’t share him. For today, I am satisfied with this arrangement. He doesn’t get to be with me.

I guess I didn’t take the plunge after all. I met with a lawyer though, so I just need to say the word. We’re a month out from dday. Is that too soon to make this decision?

Never too soon to plan out how to protect yourself. If in the off chance he gets his head out of his ass and actually cuts contact with this woman and commits to working on his shit, then you can stop it.

But for now, keep the process moving. Proud that you took a stand against his continued contact with the AP.

Thank you @Forks027, I like the way you think. Getting his head out of his ass is definitely what he needs to do. It’s pretty far up there though. Thanks for being proud; it’s hard. I was doing something and randomly started desperately missing him. I was strong and didn’t contact him, and the feeling passed.

Right now I’m obsessing because he’s probably going to be spending time with her after work. It hurts. I so badly want to text him and ask, but I won’t. I’m getting good at that.

Thank you all so much for your support. I never ever anticipated so much hurt from him. It’s crazy how much I cycle between denial, anger, sadness, bargaining and acceptance in one day. I prefer anger and acceptance.

It’s just so hard for me to believe that the person I’ve been married to for almost 10 years is the same person who is okay with causing me to have this excruciating pain. There’s the denial.

Am I posting this in the right forum, or would it be better somewhere else?

You’re ok here. Plus if there’s tips you need to help with the separation, it’s appropriate here.

Pretty strange, isn’t it? I saw somewhere that it’s like they’ve been replaced by pod people. Or maybe this was who they were the whole time and just needed "the right person" to validate them acting that way

Hang in there. This isn’t easy. Probably won’t be for a while. But you gain a sense of clarity the further you are when you’re away from him.

I know keeping no contact is also hard. But repeat this: no contact = no new hurts.

And keep a little of that anger. It’s an excellent fuel to move you forward, but don’t let it eat at you.

I’m so sorry you have to be here. You are right not to do the "pick me" dance imo. Good for you for staying strong.

I’m thinking you may get more responses if you post in "Just found out".

Sending (((hugs))).

Thank you Forks and Beachgirl. I’m going through some old boxes of stuff to try to clean up and purge stuff. I came across a parking receipt from our honeymoon, and I found a receipt from a food place before we were married, when we were happy. I almost texted him. Instead I wrote in my journal and had a cry. I had no idea what was in this box before I opened it.

I have a feeling this is going to be happening often.

Unfortunately, moments like that will likely happen. But it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to mourn. Mourn your husband but not whoever’s standing in his place now.

Gotta say, you’re already doing great in finding outlets to pour your heart into instead of contacting him. Wish I had that kind of strength in the early days.

Big hugs to you.

I was in your shoes. Desperate to Reconcile but my H continued to cheat.

You are smart enough to at least know the truth and face it. You know you cannot R if he’s still seeking out the OW. The affair continues. He’s using the separation as an excuse to cheat.

It took my H 6 months to decide to fully commit to R. But not before I told him I was D him and he had to leave our home.

R was rough for him b/c I was planning to D. I didn’t want to hear anything from him. But he remained committed and we did in fact R. But it happened with only seconds to spare.

I don’t know if one month is too soon to D. But it cannot hurt to have a plan in place. You can only endure his cheating so long and then you have to put yourself first.

You have done everything right so far - you confronted him and told him to leave. Letting him stay and watching him cheat is far worse.

That much I know.

So sorry for what has happened to you. You are so much braver than I was soon after DDay. You are standing strong and refusing to do the pick me dance.

Clearly your wh is not willing to commit to you or to the marriage.

I highly recommend this book "leave a cheater, gain a life"

I read the book shortly after dday but I was so wanting to R with my xWH that I didn’t really believe what the author said. I listened to the audio book again this week and she was 100% right on everything! I wish I had believed her 8 months ago.

Hang in there. This is probably the most difficult thing you will go through but you are stronger than you know. And we are here for you.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 1:17 PM, Tuesday, April 12th]

I am an advocate for D to be the default action after infidelity and R to an option only after the WS has proven themselves worthy of that gift. Why give yourself 6 months to decide? It only gives the WS more time to dither in the fog. By filing for D, you have some very clear advantages.

It sends a very clear message to the WS that whatctheyvdid is real and has real world consequences.

It makes the WS examine the financial, emotional, and social costs of infidelity.

The OM/OW now gets to have their prize full time, which may make the A seem way less fun now that real life shit intrudes into it. You know, like taking out the trash and cleaning the kitchen.

It shines a very real light on the A with family and friends.

It puts you in a position of control and agency, one that your WS robbed from you without your consent. Now they must do the pick me dance.

It makes time your Allie. You control the clock, while they react to your decisions. He who files first controls the process.

It freezes financial assets which will protect you. As well, you can now force discovery which will shine a light on what her has really been up to.

Plus it gives you a sense of control in your life, one that you probably really need right now.

Or you can put all of the above off, endure the agony and possible consequences of waiting. Remember, inaction is a form of action. You can start, pause and stop the proceeding at your will.

You are doing the right things to protect yourself. He is actually doing you a favor, even though it really hurts right now. He is a coward. This AP wins a man who would cheat on and discard his wife. What a prize, right??? just yuck. What kind of loser do you have to be to want your married coworker. gross. You can move forward knowing the things lacking are within him and he will not find happiness because he will still be him - a coward lacking in age appropriate boundaries and empathy.

You are doing everything right. Ignore him, resist all urges to reach out and move forward out of infidelity. Definitely try yoga - the downdog app is great! Find a good counselor for you and focus on finding what makes you feel good. Be ready for the waves of grief and be ready for any attempts from him to get your attention or make himself not feel so bad by being friends. Fvck that. He isn't your friend. Healthy men do not behave this way. He is a sleaze and he gets to live with that.

I am so sorry he lied to you about who he was but you sound like you're doing better than most. Be gentle to yourself and be proud that you have the self respect to know you won't put up with his sleazy bullshit.

You are doing so well, handling the triggers and memorabilia! Strength!

And everything JSG said - 100% Divorce should be the default position after infidelity. Even if (unlikely) the WS immediately does all the work (infinitesimally small chance) without any TT or further DDays (Ha!!), they STILL DID WHAT THEY DID! And neither of you will ever really forget it.

And your WS is still cheating on you, so yeah, D is in your best interest.

Thank you all. Is there a way to reply to individual messages?

You are all making me feel braver and stronger.

Mourn your husband but not whoever’s standing in his place now.

This helped me put things in perspective. The person standing in his place right now is not a person I would choose to be with.

We’re still doing MC*, and it was so validating today. The MC told WH the same things I’ve been telling him and was validating my actions and feelings.

*When we started MC, WH said he had ended things with AP. At the very least, the validation from the therapist helps me feel better.

I don’t have time to add more right now, but thank you all again.

When we started MC, WH said he had ended things with AP

Wow, and what would be his purpose for doing MC when he's still seeing her?

But so happy that you have an MC that actually validates the BS. Lots of times, the MC is more concerned about fixing the marriage and therefore basically telling the BS to get over it/not be angry/sad forever, find out what they did to 'make the WS cheat,' or ignore their concerns completely.

Glad it was validating for you.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 1:51 AM, Wednesday, April 13th]