SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to be a long one. I can't sleep, I need to get this out.

Backstory - DDay1 was back in February 2020. WH had been having an affair for about a year. It had started before I got pregnant with our third child. Continued through my (rough) pregnancy. We tried to R, I went straight to wanting that without fully processing everything. We did fake R as he never stopped contact with the AP. Then we started for real.

DDay2 was the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2021. Another affair, new AP, had been going on for 6 months. (There had been other women too, but he says he only talked to them, never met in person. Like I can believe that.) So we had been in "real" R for about a year give or take before he started cheating again. Both times I found out, then he confirmed it. He never just confessed. This time I didn't even consider R. I knew I couldn't do it. He had me so fooled that we were in R. I wanted so badly to be happy, and he gave me just enough to give me hope. He'd be distant, but then plan a weekend away for the two of us. We weren't having as much sex, but when we did he would initiate about half the time. I really thought we were going to get through it and be happy again. I was so proud of us.

Now I don't recognize the man standing in front of me. I am a stay at home mom. From the beginning, he has said that he wants to continue to provide, let me still be a stay at home mom, at the very least until our youngest goes to school in a few years. He's promised to never abandon me, to always take care of his family. We agreed that we wouldn't officially divorce right away, so that I could stay on his insurance. He opened a new bank account for himself. He split his direct deposit so half went to his account and half to mine. We were going to be married on paper, but have separate households and act like we were divorced. I should mention his job keeps him traveling. He's only home on the weekends.

I'm not stupid. I knew that there would be fights. We're both so emotional right now. But I told myself to wait it out and let the dust settle. To give this arrangement at least a month or two before I decided anything. He only finally moved out last weekend. I make so many excuses for him to myself. When he gets angry and says things to me, I tell myself that he's hurting too. And he comes back in 5 minutes and apologizes. There was a part of me that still believed we are soulmates. That even if he moves out and even if it takes a few years, that he would work on himself and we would find our way back to each other.

I no longer believe that. He has started to become emotionally abusive. He threatens to become financially abusive. He is showing signs of being controlling. I feel like I have entered this other reality where everything is wrong. It's like a fricken Lifetime movie. This is not my life. This is not my husband.

He has told me that everything is my fault. That he has been hurting for four years and I didn't help him. That I didn't see it and I didn't help him. That I wasn't a good enough wife. Or mom. Or homemaker. I didn't make good enough dinners. I didn't just sit with him and scratch his back and wait for him to open up. I didn't make him feel wanted. He never felt loved by me. That this other woman makes him happy.

He apologized and cried a few hours later.

I have emails to two attorneys to have consultations. I intend to file for divorce this week before I lose my nerve. I am terrified. I am terrified of so many things. I'm ashamed to say it, but I am terrified of his reaction. It's going to hurt him. After everything he's done, and I'm still worried about him, about how this is going to destroy him. I'm stronger than he is. I'm going to be ok. He's not going to be able to handle this. And he's going to try to bring me down and hurt me for it. Not physically. There have been no signs of that. I think he's too proud to do that, it would hurt his reputation, his image of being the good guy. The guy who leaves his bitch horrible ex-wife but still pays her bills so she can be a stay at home mom. In his house. With his money. Where he still makes the rules and has all the control.

These are facts. This is what is happening. But putting it in black and white like this makes him look like a monster. And I haven't even said everything. There is so much more. So much more hurt. And pain. And betrayal. But I still love him. And when I see him fall apart I am still worried about him. I think he is in the middle of a breakdown. He's not mentally stable. He's in so much pain. I worry about him. Even though he doesn't worry about me.

I feel paralyzed and empowered at the same time. One minute I feel in control and that everything is going to be ok. The next minute I feel like I can't file for divorce, that's just not something I can do. It's just not who we are. Even though it is.

I'm just rambling. My thoughts are so scrambled. This is more a journal than anything else I guess. I just have to get it out. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep. I can't think about this. It's too much. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. Shock. I've been shaking all day, I can't stop. I want to wake up from this nightmare. And as I'm typing this he texts me and says how sorry he is for everything he said today. And that he loves me. It makes me want to believe him. It makes me not want to hurt him. It makes me not want to file. But I have to. I hope that he can understand and one day not hate me for it. I hope one day I will be ok with the fact that he does hate me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:03 PM, Sunday, January 23rd]

Start putting yourself FIRST. Stop caring what he thinks.

You need to protect you and your children from a bully. Any man (or woman) who walks away from their family snd puts them in financial jeopardy is a loser.

Get a lawyer. Get a shark of a lawyer. Get a support team to circle around you & kids and provide emotional support.

Find yourself a good counselor.

Divorce the serial cheater you married snd stop living in this abusive and twisted hell he is forcing you to live in.

FWS,

Sorry you are here, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
You are right— he’s not the man you married and you don’t know him. And for that reason, I am glad you are filing for D—- you cannot trust he will do the right thing. I mean, he’s been doing nothing buy lie for a very long time.

I went through false R too and it really sucks.

For your fears: go the divorce/separation forum and read the post pinned at the top on fear vs reality. Your fears are normal, but most of found them to be unfounded when we ended divorced. Have a good list of questions for the lawyer and pick one that will FIGHT for you and your kids. You need to think of this as a business transaction and not worry about him. It’s hard I know, but important that you protect you and your kids futures. (Keep an eye on finances— he’s spending money on his APs that is marital property).

Are you in IC? What support do you have IRL? Pastor, best friend, sister, mom? Find some support to help you through.
Get STD tested.
See the lawyers.
Take care of you— eat well, stay hydrated, avoid alcohol, get some exercise and sleep. These will all help.

Hang in there— you will get through this. Sending support-

Could he have Borderline personality disorder? His behavior sounds irrational. He also sounds like a child having a temper tantrum.

You need to be the stable one for your children. This is their only childhood. It is going to be your burden and your joy to make sure they don’t get caught in the middle. Make your decision based on how best to give them a happy childhood. If divorce is what what you need be practical. Hire a competent lawyer and let them handle your stbx.

I'm so sorry this is happening. I can completely understand your feelings. Sounds like you have a good plan to talk with a lawyer. Make a list of questions you need to ask. Laws are different in different states. He should provide for you and the children. The courts can take care of that. Please find yourself a good counselor to help you and support you during this time. I understand what it is like to worry about your significant other and still love them but he is a grown man. Maybe a long seperation will knock some sense into him but that is up to you. You don't have to sign the divorce papers until you are ready. Do you have family or friends close by to support you. I wish you all the best.

FuturewasStolen:

Please put yourself and your kids first. Stop worrying about HIS well being. He certainly wasn't thinking about you during his betrayals.

......He apologized and cried a few hours later.

.... I wanted so badly to be happy, and he gave me just enough to give me hope. He'd be distant, but then plan a weekend away for the two of us.

.... I make so many excuses for him to myself. When he gets angry and says things to me, I tell myself that he's hurting too. And he comes back in 5 minutes and apologizes.

....as I'm typing this he texts me and says how sorry he is for everything he said today. And that he loves me. It makes me want to believe him. It makes me not want to hurt him. It makes me not want to file.

I'm gonna be blunt here. What you describe is the cycle of domestic abuse. He may never get physical with you, but this is domestic abuse none the less. The abuse has possibley been going on for years but you didn't have enough separation from him to identify it. His mask has slipped - now you see the real man. The serial infidelity is CERTAINLY a sign that he's abusive. Please plug "cycle of abuse" into your search engine and see if it resonates with your experiences. In a nutshell:

"The cycle of abuse is a four-stage cycle used to describe the way abuse sometimes occurs in relationships. The stages—tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm—repeat themselves over and over again - the abuse follows this pattern. The cycle continues because there is a power imbalance in a relationship, meaning that one person has a hold on the other."

I'm ashamed to say it, but I am terrified of his reaction

He has started to become emotionally abusive. He threatens to become financially abusive. He is showing signs of being controlling. I feel like I have entered this other reality where everything is wrong.

I think he is in the middle of a breakdown. He's not mentally stable.

He's not going to be able to handle this. And he's going to try to bring me down and hurt me for it.

PLEASE trust your instincts here. You are afraid of him! Sweetie, I recommend reaching out to your local women's shelter or Domestic Violence hotline for help. Pronto. Again, even if he hasn't hurt you physically they should identify what you're experiencing as DA and call it what it is. Women's DV organizations can help with legal support, counseling, support groups, short term $$ if needed. I believe they will have your back and help get you through this! I also hope you have friends or family you can share this burden with. For some reason I have this feeling you are isolated. Abusers often isolate their victims from friends or family so they will be the victim's only relationship (control), force a move far away from friends or family to isolate their victims further and tighten control. Please put a quick exit plan in place, just in case. Pack a few days of clothing, prescriptions and so on for you and your kids and take them to a friend, sympathetic neighbor or family member for safe keeping. Photo copy all important documents and keep them with the emergency exits bags along with some emergency cash. Do you have a credit card in YOUR name only? If not, get one.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this turmoil but SO glad you've made the decision to D. You're right. You can't trust him to do the right thing financially for you and your kids. Money is the last hold he has over you. You must take financial control for your family out of his hands and put it into the hands of the law with Divorce terms that protect you and yours. Be sure to be honest about your fear of STBX with the lawyer. If they've handled high conflict divorce before they will certainly be able to advise on steps to take to protect yourself during the filing. Maybe take a trip to visit friends or family out of town when the papers are served?

My thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:38 AM, Thursday, January 27th]

I was so young when I found out about my H cheating. He traveled and that is when it would happen. I don’t know if it was once or more. I was young, still in love, and had young children, including a baby. I was told by a friend but I just put one foot in front of the other and hoped for the best. I did not confront then. I have an idea most of your fear is Money. Mine was. I had lost both parents in the span of two years. My siblings lived across the country. I was stuck so I stuck it out. We moved, grew up and I hoped he was no longer cheating. He thrived on attention from women but I will never know. That is married life to a cheater. It has been years and I keep telling myself to get off SI but I have been married a long time and mostly content. So I hope my ideas have some value.

My husband has never acted as yours. A few years after I knew I got a job and a sense of independence, I suggest you get employment, even part time if you think he is going to get stingy. It sadly happens all the time. The person with the money has the power. Right now your best hope is a bulldog for an attorney.

You need to get a job,asap. The one thing you know about him is,he is a liar. You can't depend upon him to pay the bills so you can stay home

Do it now. Before you end up losing your home,because he stopped paying

Stop thinking about his money as his money. First, that's not how the law views marital money and assets. Second, the fact that you're a SAHM means that you assumed all domestic and child care responsibilities. This enabled him to do all the heavy traveling required by his job, build his career, and become successful enough to be among the few Americans who can support a family and live comfortably on a single income. Your sacrifices of time, wage-earning ability, and financial independence made that success possible.

Alimony and child support exist precisely for people who are in your situation so that you don't have to choose between destitution and remaining married to an abusive philanderer. If he's having a "mental breakdown" and/or is furious about losing half his stuff and paying support, remember that he chose these consequences, first when he cheated on you, and then we he repeatedly squandered the opportunities you gave him for reconciliation. When you feel your resolve start to waiver, just remind yourself that he didn't care when his behavior caused you pain and misery and that the current tears he sheds are only for himself... not for you or for your children.

Furthermore, I would be shocked if he hasn't taken his latest affair underground or if he doesn't have a new mistress queued up. A man this selfish, egotistical, and incapable of self-awareness is not sitting at home alone in a state of quiet introspection.

I think that you are extremely wise to recognize that he is threatening you with financial abuse and that you won't be able to rely on his "generosity" indefinitely. This is a man, after all, who couldn't keep his vow to be faithful, so why would believe any other promises he makes to you? When you speak with a lawyer, please tell him or her about these threats and the actions your husband has taken thus far. You might be able to get an emergency spousal support and/or child support order put in place and ensure that you have exclusive use of the home to prevent any shenanigans he could try to pull before the divorce is finalized. You can find out what you are entitled to based on the laws in your state and whether it makes sense to start hunting for a job immediately (as Hellfire has recommended) or if you have some flexibility in terms of updating your skills and education ahead of a job search. Fortunately, if you follow through on divorce now, you will be entering a very favorable labor market for job seekers at all levels.

Good luck, OP, and please feel free to come back to us if you need support or a peptalk.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:45 PM, Thursday, January 27th]

My WXH swore that we would make the D easy. We had no money, no assets, DS was a senior in high school and we made roughly the same amount of money. But, once he moved out he had OW whispering in his ear about how I was trying to steal from him and how he should do this or that. Your WH might have the same thing. He might intend to do things one way but the OW is in his ear and he wants to please her; you - not so much.

Good luck and remember he's not the one you married.

Hi Future

I just wanted to say that I am sorry this has happened to you. And I want to say how awesome you are. You are strong and worthy of love and respect.

You are going through a really tough situation and You are awake. You are doing what you need to. I was so hurt at points I wasn’t able to function.

Lots of Hugs

It sounds like your H could be influenced by others. And that is why he has the behavior and attitude he does towards you.

See an attorney to learn your rights. It may just empower you a bit.