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Inlaws are jerks. They are a big family and like to say how close they are, but they leave wh and our kids out.

Since 2016 they have gone on a family trip together (mil, her 2 daughters and their husbands and kids). This started the year my wh had surgery over july 4 holiday, which is anslow time at work and he had time off. We had usually spent july 4 with these people.

The next year SIL 2 told me over group text that everyone would be gone July 4 because thats when we take our annual family vacation. I was surprised, as I had never heard of this, but then found out it started the year before. Asked if we could come, and for the next few years we were sortnof invited- they would make reservations but leave us out and then we would get a hotel away from the group. Two year of this- we realized we werent wanted. We didnt ask to go this year, but mil did ask wh when he was visiting and he said July- she quickly texted back, “We will be gone then, and there are no hotels left up there” (which is BS- I actually looked online and they are expensive but available). Wh texted back- i mean end of July. Which, isnt going to happen either, because he has not made any plans for the dog and i know hos work schedule…. But not my problem.

So. They are on their vacation at the lake house now. And the cousins (their kids) are all on social media. My oldest is 15 and seeing her cousins (these are her only first cousins, my siblings dont have kids) shes seeing them with MIl, her grandma, having fun and doing family stuff.

She is very hurt. Ive explained that its me they dont like- not her. She said its still painful. Ive said they are jerks and don’t deserve her time- she says that sucks because they are her biological family and i dont get it because they are only my in laws.

My family is small but loves my kids and spoils them. They are loved here (we are all in my family’s state on an extended vacation now).

My in laws have never seen my youngest- who will be 2 in a few months . TWO. No one wished my middle son a happy birthday a few days ago. Grandma was on vacation with her other grandkids on a trip mine were not invited on, and did not even call.

My kids (esp. DD) dont want to ever see them again. She is telling me i have tomput my foot down with WH and tell him they arent going. What would you do? Get involved? Knowing that wh will flake out, and the trip wont happen, not say anything?

I used to go to the in laws bc my kids had fun with cousins, but now its been 3 years simce they have seen them, they dont know them anymore and say they feel like outsiders.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:49 AM, July 3rd (Saturday)]

Yeah, I think you have to tell him. Your children need you to protect them from spending time with people who treat them this way. Unfortunately, I think you're wrong that it's just about you, or they'd welcome him and the kids up there with open arms. Wasn't your daughter invited to stay with her cousins and then not given a bed to sleep in? Or kicked out of bed to make room for her aunt? They're just bullies, the whole lot of them. Who knows what kind of passive-aggressive bullshit DD would have to endure?

I suspect that your kids need you to draw that line regardless of whether you believe the trip is actually going to happen. If you play chicken to avoid a fight, DD will be left stressing for weeks over whether their dad will somehow manage to pull a rabbit out of a hat. And honestly, if he does, you might have to let them go, depending on your custody agreement. But at least DD will know you weren't afraid to fight for her. If she gets treated poorly again, then I'd start working on getting a professional evaluator to review the history, so that you can prevent such visits in the future.

I'm not gonna lie: this will suck for you. Your in-laws will cast you as the bitter harpy keeping them away from the grandchildren. They can keep excluding your family and play the victim to boot. But who gives a fuck what they think? Your kids are powerless in this, so they need you to take back your power on their behalf. When it comes to their psychological safety, you have to put your bitch boots on.

Your children need you to protect them from spending time with people who treat them this way.

Yup. I have an uncle (my mom's brother) who is extremely wealthy. One year, when I was a teenager, we went to uncle's house for xmas. His wife had no kids, but had her own neices/nephews, and that year my mom's sister and her kids were also present - so a pretty giant group. It was at a big home in a VERY swanky neighborhood in LA (IIRC, Cher lived across the street kind of thing).

Xmas tree was prolly 20 foot high, presents were EVERYWHERE. My mom and sister & I sat there for hours watching everyone open their expensive gifts and everyone oogling over them. At the end of it all, my sister and I had not opened a single gift. No one had bothered to get us one. I was old enough to be hurt and very very angry. I remember telling my mom I never wanted to go back and being pretty POd that she made all kinds of excuses for their bullshite.

My mom continued to see my uncle when she could (kind of her own "pick me" dance w/in the context of sibling rivalry), but I refused to go... which made it a double abandonment wound in that my mom chose to be with her brother before protecting me... so my choice was to be with my mom on those holidays/occasions and allow myself to be disrespected by my uncle, or to go it alone. 40 years later it still makes me hurt and angry to even think about it .

I'd tell my MIL that her treating some of her grandkids like red-headed stepchildren is hurtful to THEM, harmful to THEM, and is not ok. She has the choice to include them in those trips or being alienated by them. Better yet, have your WH do it.

Who cares if that side of the family thinks you are a controlling witch? You know better, and I suspect your kids will (maybe not now, but eventually) be thankful knowing someone is watching out for them.

If you can afford it, I'd start planning my own family vacation for that same week - and depending on their ages, you could even invite the cousins (but NOT their parents) to come along. Family beefs among the adults should say among the adults... kids get a kind of special dispensation. I would not have hesitated to invite a niece or nephew to my house - without their parent(s).

I have sole custody. Wh has signed off on this. Wh is mentally ill and cant be trysted to make good decisions all the time.

The thing is- if I tell Wh or his family that they are upsetting the kids- they wont care. Its taken me 20 years to figure out there is nothing i can say or do to get him to be nice or act appropriately. His sisters and mom are the exact same way. If i send a mice email saying hey, you upset the kids when they arent invited on family trips and you forget their bdays… no one will care.

And to PP BraveSirRobin- good memory! The deal was SIL 2 slept in the room with my DD at the lake house. The room had a full size bed and a set of bunk beds. Dd and her aunt were the only two in the room (calling bull shot that there wasnt room for us at the house)

Dd asked SIL2 where she could find a comforter when she was going to bed. Sil said Oh, its hot, you dont want a blanket.

Then Sil got jn her bed and pulled HER covers over her and went to sleep.

The kicker- it had been my son’s birthday and we made the hour drive to set up the lake house … we had carried in the blankets and made beds, etc. SIL 1 and 2 werent there so it was just us and MIl getting the place set up. So Dd had BROUGHT THE DAMN BLANKETS IN!! and didnt get one!!!

Ya know. Just because they are blood doesn't make them family.

They want to treat you and the kids like shit....well then they should be treated the same.

You need to stand up and say enough is enough. No more visits. Ever.

If you're willing to have the kids, I wonder if it's best to have the family vacation, and have your kids invite their cousins.

The above idea is grand. Maybe have your own getaway like suggested.

Thanks for the suggestions and input, everyone! As the proposed date gets closer, i am realizing it is not going to happen. Wh has a huge thing at work in the next few weeks, has not kenneled the dog, and just generally is working like crazy (a good thing). So this trip will be a flake out. It happenes all the time. Not going to give it a second thought!!

This brings back some memories I have of one side of my family.

Sometimes sending a powerful message is needed, and not in words. Something akin to not permitting the MIL+ into something such as an event (holiday whatever) that CLEARLY indicates there is an issue. See what happens the reaction and how it is resolved will provide infinite clarity.

Do not be afraid NOT TO BE NICE.

Oh Gottagetthrough - me and you have been around a long time. So long that when I saw that title, I instantly thought "Oh no...the dreaded IL/Lakehouse trip".

Same BS every year from those folks!

My advice is still the same. Do not do it. Do not go, do not attempt to go, do not reach out and explain they are being hurtful, do not attempt to go to a place nearby so your children can see their cousins, etc. Just no.

they dont know them anymore and say they feel like outsiders.

These people do not care. They repeatedly used and hurt you (and your children). This is not 'family' you want. Even when your children have gone - they are not treated nicely at all. This is not behavior you want to expose them too.

I would not put anymore energy into this (this year or ever). I guarantee they are not letting it use up any head space on their end.

Oh Gottagetthrough - me and you have been around a long time. So long that when I saw that title, I instantly thought "Oh no...the dreaded IL/Lakehouse trip".

Yes!!! Ugh! Too many year of this BS!!

The lake house trip has come and gone. Its during July 4 every year. We were not even told about it this year (i dont think… i havent spoken to ILS since September 2020). Cousins were instagramming and tik toking the trip. Ot looks as if niece who is 20 (21 in September ) brought her boyfriend and niece who is 16 brought a friend.

And, therr was not enough room for us

This proposed trip is just to MIL’s house. How wh will deal with his sister he hasnt spoken to in 2 years? I dont know! Not my circus, not my monkeys!

Oh Gottagetthrough - me and you have been around a long time. So long that when I saw that title, I instantly thought "Oh no...the dreaded IL/Lakehouse trip

Me Too!!!

Anyway, there are couple ways to look at it.

1. Maybe they think your H is a dick too, and they don't want to be around him.

2. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and because you and your babies aren't like them at all, they are uncomfortable around you.

3. Fuck Em!

I would urge you to go with 3. Now getting your daughter to understand that will probably cause some pain and hurt as these people are relatives. But we all know God does not make all relatives equal. She is a teen and already understands cliques, and bullies, and people that just suck. Now she gets to fully understand that some of those people are family.

Keep em at arms length, and embrace the family that does love you and your kids.

This topic scares the shit out of me as a grandmother. That I might in some unintentional way hurt one of my kids or their kids...or make them feel unwelcome.

I agree with all that say that there is more harm to possibly be done by making efforts to force participation.

Are the kids assholes, too? Or just their parents?

Maybe in a few years you could invite just the kids to spend time with your kids. Maybe without the adults. I just don’t know if their cousins are jerks like their parents.

I just thought it sounded nice to give the cousins an opportunity to get to know their cousins better, and find out that y’all are good people, and fun to be with. It might make them wonder what the hell their parents we’re doing all those years.