7 years ago this week my H was deep into an A with OW3, planning to leave me at some point but without the balls to actually do it. So for the preceding 3 years he’d started a series of EA and PA. And I was clueless until I stumbled upon his secrets in the early Fall of 2014. We had taken a romantic vacation to Mexico in June as an early celebration of our 20th anniversary that year; 2 days after our actual anniversary date he fucked OW3 for the first time.
It’s been quite a long and difficult journey since then. The usual ups and downs and all-arounds of the R rollercoaster for the first year or 2. Many days convinced D was my only option. Too many hours spent trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand how he was able to do what he did.
7 years of my life spent in this new reality called R. I learned a completely new language over these years, discovered a world that I hadn’t known existed until I was thrust into it. I also discovered SI and learned how strong and resilient people can be, how many good people are out here giving freely of their time and wisdom to help others. I wish I could be one to offer wisdom after all I’ve been through, but I still feel that I really don’t understand a lot of it.
What I do know is that life and M is messy and doesn’t always work out as you’d planned. Mr Psych booked a table at a restaurant overlooking a lake and told me to be ready by 6 for our date to begin. I didn’t know what he’d planned until we arrived at the restaurant. I can’t recall him making plans and surprising me this way before. I know he is trying. I know he has worked to be a better man than the one who accompanied me to Mexico 7 years ago and bought jewelry for another woman.
It’s a lot to get through. Given my personality and convictions, I’ve struggled greatly in allowing my relationship with him to go on. The betrayal cut deep. But I’ve worked on my side to understand the significance to me, and to allow him the space to show me who he is today. I don’t like everything I see in him, which sets me back at times, but what I see is a man who knows he fucked up in one of the worst ways possible and who has worked for years to live a life he can be proud of. I gotta give him that. He also now realizes we both were naive when we started this R journey, thinking we could nail it with a perfect 10-point landing. Uh, no. It’s been hard. It continues today in some ways. But we keep coming together to try to work things out.
The past 7 years have changed me. Some for the good, but some for the worst. I’m still figuring out who I am at this stage of my life and what I want my future to look like. One thing I’ve noted is that prior to Dday I lived without giving the future much thought. I lived a relatively charmed life and good things seemed to be the norm. Then I was hit hard by the reality that my H had lived a secret life right under my nose. That shook me up and I’ve not yet fully recovered from that blow.
But awareness has allowed me to be more present, spend more time thinking about my next steps and my future. I’ve learned some really hard lessons, as anyone whose experienced infidelity snd betrayal knows. Life doesn’t return to normal. There is no normal to return to. Instead we are forced to create new paths and reset much of our thinking about ourself and our M.
I do believe Mr Psych and I will grow old together. But it won’t be without some more bumps in our road together. We both have some growing pains going on, getting older and dealing with all that comes with aging. So life is still a bit complicated. But we continue to work together, as best as we can, to create a shared life that works for both of us. The past is never too far behind for me, but it’s lost its sting, and now us more like a shadowy annoyance. But it’s still there for me.
I don’t know if I gave wisdom to share, other than to offer that R is possible and you can stay together while getting out of infidelity. But it’s a hell of a lot of work, more than I expected. For someone like me who apparently has some abandonment issues, betrayal of this sort is particularly devastating and life changing. But you can still find a way through it. I’ve also accepted the wisdom from the kind snd wise people here that the only person I can fully trust is myself. I have to be good with myself to the point that if something did change in my situation, I’ll be okay. Peace comes with that level of acceptance.
So happy 27th anniversary to Mr Psych and I! I give him an A for his efforts, which do help me believe I’m still on the right path with him.
