SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 7 years since our divorce was final. I am unapologetically ... not over it. I am not carrying a torch for this guy - but I am triggered every day by something. I'm not really moving on like I see others do. I'm not dating. Had a couple false starts and quit altogether. Sometimes I'm okay with being alone (with my pets) and sometimes so very lonely and sad for my future. I truly feel I've some sort of ptsd over the whole process.

My son is getting married this summer. Both my parents are very likely not attending due to poor health. This leaves my sister and her husband, and 3 friends of mine who are coming on "my" side. My new daughter in law's family is great. The rest of the guests are my ex-family. It's awkward and painful for me ( maybe for them too ) My ex has remarried.I've never met her. He and I do not communicate -not before, not now. He's NPD.

The stress is pretty high.

What do you all think? Would I be happier with a date? (Remember, it'd be someone new), or not? That might not be an option. But those that love me seem to think I should have a date.

I'd love to say I'm just me and going to rock it solo. But I'm not like that - self confidence is a wee bit crappy, if I'm being honest.

Sure would have been nice had I lost that post divorce weight at least haha.

And I most definitely know that this is about my son and his bride. Which is utlimately the cause of my concern.

Tell me something good

ILGB, sorry you are still struggling to come to terms with your divorce. And there’s absolutely no shame in that. If it’s true that many of us have moved on, or are trying to, it’s equally true that we have all been indelibly affected by infidelity and bear scars that will never completely disappear.

Coming to your question, I really don’t think going to your son’s wedding with a date would be such a great idea. You really have nothing to prove to anyone, and you’ll potentially end up being uncomfortable with someone who is only there for show. You mentioned that there will be three very good friends of yours and your sister, so there’s no chance of you being or feeling alone. Stick to them and try to have a good time. It’s your son’s special day and it shouldn’t be anything but a joyous occasion. Don’t let your XWH spoil that too.

And you never know, seeing your XWH after so long and his new W, might even give you closure!

Agree with the above. I would not bring a date to my child's wedding just for the sake of having a date. Have a wonderful time with your sister and friends, without the pressure of having to entertain someone you hardly know, and who won't know anyone there.

Make sure you treat yourself to a professional hairdo, and mani-pedi for the event. Buy yourself a new dress, or "new to you" (thrift) if budget is an issue. Be fresh and fabulous.

And go easy on the alcohol, for a lot of reasons. Own your fabulous singlehood!

I completely empathize. (((IGB)))

IGB, I wish I could magically send you some bottled 'self-confidence' for this event, but it can't come from anyone but you! Sometimes we have to dig deep to find that that positive attitude but girl...it's in there! I also vote NO to bringing a date just for the sake of having a date. Surround yourself with the family and close friends that are there to support you and celebrate. I also vote a definite YES to the pre-wedding pampering so that you look and feel your best! Please let us know how it goes

I would say definitively ride to the event with your friends, sit with them, and try to focus on the joy of your son, and that you did a great job raising him.

The reason I say not to bring a date is because your xwh is NPD, and you do not want to poke the sleeping bear. He won’t take jealousy out on you, he’ll likely try to start trouble with your son and his wife to get you to engage. Most likely,since it’s been 7 years, his mask is starting to slip with his new wife, be your calm, wonderful happy self and she might start to realize half the stuff your xh is telling her is a lie.

I just went to a wedding Sat, and it’s pretty hard finding a dress right now. I had to order online from Kohl’s and there were only 2 styles to choose from, unless I wanted a sundress.. hope your search is easy, and also yes on your hair and nails.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:08 PM, May 31st (Monday)]

I remember those times I had to be at events for my son with his dad and his new wife and they were oh so in love. Incredibly painful. I spent a lot of time strategizing how I'd handle various scenarios - how to keep busy and away from their eyes, etc.

I think a date, who's a friend, someone you know and are really comfortable with would be great - even if it's a girlfriend or whatever. Failing that, asking the folks on your side to stay close and letting them know how challenging this will be might be a good option. They can run interference, make sure you're not sitting alone too much, etc.

You will have so much fun you will just ignore him. And hopefully forget he is there.

My brother many years ago had two friends D. Bith invited to the wedding. XW on one side. XH on another. Stupid XH bought the OW to the wedding. He was always a jerk lol

Do you have a girlfriend that you can bring as a +1? Someone that can help run interefence for you if your ex or his family make things weird?

Try to remember that you know your XWH is shitty. You know his home life is shitty because he's shitty. He's going to try to appear not shitty at the wedding because that's what they do, but you know it's shitty. You know it's misery dealing with him.

You are one million times the person he is. He is appearances only. You see through the fakeness. Not everyone does, but you do.

I wish I could bottle self-confidence for you too. Seriously, you are so superior to that person. Post-divorce weight and all. I hate that you're triggered daily still because of his stupidity, but you could walk in there having just rolled out of bed in your pajamas farting all they way through the door and be way more than he ever deserved in a woman. I'm sure whoever his wife is now is way more than he ever deserved in a woman. I don't know what she looks like or if she's younger, prettier, thinner, but I'll tell you that you're better off than she is either way. You'll be walking in not married to that asshole. She is the one with future triggers and trauma, and it's sad. You'll just be meeting his current victim.

So you strut your badass survived-and-divorced-a-narcissist self into that wedding and know that you're living a more authentic life. You have been through hell and you're still here. I just read your bio and lord woman, you are STRONG. You survived all that. You're still surviving. You haven't made it to thriving yet, but that is within your grasp if you work for it. First step in working for it is to just embrace that you are important, that you matter. No one else at that wedding can make you matter less than you do.

And girlfriend, go get some therapy and build yourself up because I see a hero here and you see someone who is lacking. You aren't lacking. You don't need a date or a partner to matter. You don't need a man as a crutch. Taking a date means that you care what he thinks, and that means you have work to do. You are too superior to him to waste your energy caring what he thinks. If an asshole judges you, does that even count? You know what he is. You know that things of worth do not come out of his mouth. Take him off of whatever pedestal he is still on and see him for the loser he is. See yourself for the hero you are.

ItllGetBetter -

I think regardless of the wedding, the fact that this is all still troubling to you in the way that it is, is an opportunity for some additional help. To me, I think you would benefit from IC work. All of this is so traumatic and each person takes it in their own way.

If self confidence is needed, and there is still doubt, get some IC help so that you can move past this and live a happy life. There will be grandkids at some point in the future, and another wedding too. So working on yourself for YOU and YOUR future is the best thing for you. Forget the date, enjoy your son's wedding and let your journey to a better, happier self start now. You don't need a date

Read DevastedDee’s again. 100% right on.

You ARE the prize, IGB.

And yeah, skip the date and just hang wtih your besties. You’ll have a better time!

I found two gorgeous dresses (for an all day formal party I was invited to) at a local wedding dress outlet. They had gorgeous dresses in a range of sizes and both dresses together (my plus one for the event bought them for me) came to around $80. Wedding dresses started at $90. Yes you read that right.

These dresses came in all sizes and were generally one or two of each style from a swanky bridal store.....(gasp) they were LAST YEAR's styles.

Anyone needing a dress message me and I can give you the details. This place is an easy drive from Madison or Chicago and the service was supurb.

It's late where I am now but what I was trying to say (replying to comment about shortage of dresses) is there are still places with gorgeous dresses for most any budget :)

[This message edited by Shehawk at 10:56 PM, June 18th (Friday)]

The reason I say not to bring a date is because your xwh is NPD, and you do not want to poke the sleeping bear. He won’t take jealousy out on you, he’ll likely try to start trouble with your son and his wife to get you to engage.

There is probably an equally good chance either your ex will be on his best'est behavior because he has a big audience...or he will be bugging your child about you. lol. Either way - this day should be about them. So I would not bring a date.

I would let your support group that you really need them for this and ask them to rally-around. Folks WANT to help but most times don't know what that is. So just let your family/friends know.

I find this stuff to be the sucky overall! We know there will be events in life where we may HAVE to be around our ex and their families. I dread it too but I have learned to just go and pretend they don't exist. If they talk to me - I am cordial/friendly. If not - whatev.

I agree with the OP who said you may find this helpful in getting some closure.

You got this. You concentrate on making this the best day for your son and let go of the rest.