SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am need to know if this has happened to you, and if so, what did you do about it?

Yesterday I went on a first date IRL with someone who seems really, really nice. We had lunch together and then went for a two hour walk, sat on a bench, kept talking, got home and then watched a movie together (each at our own house) and texted each other all the way through it. We are going to see each other again in a couple of weeks (after some already scheduled obligations). Zero red flags so far, super considerate and lots in common, plus I think he's cute!

So, on the way home (it was a bit of a drive because we don't live in the same town) I crashed hard emotionally. I felt so, so sad. I missed the Imaginary X (not the real one, obvs). I was NOT expecting this. It really hit me hard - and I had no idea that such a visceral reaction would come up - even though I really liked the Date Guy and I had fun on the date. It was kind of like my deep brain said: "date = X" and my core self couldn't move past that to "date = this nice person I'm with."

Not only that, but it suddenly occurred to me: if it's this hard for me to start dating someone I actually am interested in, because X is still (apparently) so powerfully in my psyche, then it just KILLS ME how EASY it was for X to date other women all the time for 20 years. I had not thought about it that way before. What a gut-punch. How little I mattered, and still how hard it is for me to fully let go of Imaginary X, even 18 months later and with a really nice guy.

I know I'll get there - but today I'm still sad and depressed. I don't think it's that I'm "not ready" to date again. I really had fun and am looking forward to seeing him again. But that doesn't change the feeling of being shattered again. And I suspect this would happen even five years from now if I just waited longer to date again.

I'm curious - anyone else have this? If so, what helped? What happened? How did you move past it?

Thanks y'all. I continue to be so grateful for your presence and support. Couldn't manage without this forum!

I'm struggling with the worry that I'll have the same feelings. Part of me wants to get back into OLD, but part of me thinks I'll have the problem of the same feelings you are having.

I guess other than the obvious advice (try to put the X out of your mind) I would say focus on the hurtful times with the X not the "good times". Then ask yourself will this new person put you through what the X did...not an easy question to answer fully. But if they are not showing any flags now, then allow yourself the excitement of a new relationship possibility. For me I just keep imagining getting into a new relationship, where the person will be fully into me, not pretending to be while doing an EA when I'm in the other room. Just the thought of that feeling (being someone's full attention) brings on the itch of dating again.

As a fellow '20-years-of-asshat-fuckery' survivor, I can totally relate.

I've had a handful of dates since the divorce and only two that involved getting physical.

It was a lot of fun and very life-affirming when it finally did happen, but I reverted to the mode of my 20s as in I'm prone to fall instantly in cray cray lurve at the slightest bit of attention, and I know that's what gets us in trouble.

I know you probably don't want to hear it but it takes time, especially after 20 some years.

Good for you for getting out there though!

My IC told me the rule of thumb is that it takes a month for every year married, minimum, to heal up to a level of "normal". I believe it really depends on the individual though. I know I don't want to wait 7 months to start dating again, although maybe I'll find that I should.

it takes a month for every year married, minimum, to heal up to a level of "normal"

Wow. I've never heard this. Coincidentally, I went on my first date 17 months after stbx and I separated. That was the soonest I felt ready at all. We were together 17 years. There you go.

I had heard the month for every year too-I think even before I was D’d and thought impossible!

I dated my high school boyfriend after D. Never went out w anyone else. It was familiar of course. And a mistake. When we broke up I waited 26 months before I started OLD.

I was with my ex for 27 years, married for 23.

When I kissed the first new man 4 months into OLD, I did not realize until 2 days later I had zero thoughts of xh or xbf. No guilt, nerves, sadness, anxiousness, or second thoughts. I realized at that point I was emotionally and mentally healthy.

Until now I had not really counted the months to compare to that theory.

So fortunately for me, I’ve not experienced the crash you describe. I’m not saying I don’t feel sadness, etc. over what I lost on occasion, but never after interacting with a nice first date or even a just average one where I have no interest in another.

I'm curious - anyone else have this? If so, what helped? What happened? How did you move past it?

I'll give a (co-dependent)guy's perspective.

I've have two marriages end related to infidelity. My post-marriage dating life was VERY different between the two. However, in both cases, there were wounds in places that I did not know existed until I accidentally stumbled upon them.

So, go easy on yourself. You thought that you were ready and you had some unexpected emotions hit you. That's all okay and normal/healthy.

The question for you is... what to do going forward? The answer there is the standard SI response: trust your gut.

My IC told me the rule of thumb is that it takes a month for every year married, minimum, to heal up to a level of "normal".

It's a rule of thumb, which basically means that it may or may not be right, you know?

After my first marriage ended (1998/9), I thought that I was ready to date "right away" following a 3-year marriage (in hindsight, "right away" meant about 3 months after the divorce was final). Unfortunately, I was only half-right. I was fine with healthy dating, but the woman that I dated was not right for me... and I was NOT ready for a break-up.

After that incident, I waited a year before even thinking about going on a date.

After my second marriage ended (the one that brought me to SI), I was pretty much ready to start dating a month or so after we decided to get divorced. That said, that was 2 years after D-day, during which time I put in a lot of work on myself and I was effectively figuring out what *I* needed to do for *me* to be happy.

Even so, I've been with my current GF for about 2.5 years and I still find open wounds on occasion. Little things here and there that unexpectedly trigger me.

It happened to me twice. The first time I was physical with a man after D, I felt soo guilty because my mind was still wired to be faithful to XWH.

More recently, I dated someone pretty awesome for a couple of months, after breaking up with my bf of 3.5 years in the summer. But I really wasn't ready. It was a case of right guy, wrong time.

If you had that reaction, I don't think you should ignore it. It might be that you still have some healing to do before you go 'all in' with this guy. If he is as nice as you say he is, he will not mind going at your pace.

That happened to me too at first. The first time I was *ahem* intimate with someone after my ex I was incredibly drunk and still almost burst into tears during/afterwards. I was not ready for it but I pushed myself because I wanted to be over my ex.

Now it's been over 5 years and it's a mind trip that I was ever in a relationship with him. The fact that I slept with my ex or had such a hard time afterwards is laughable to me now. That being said you're extracting yourself from his life and vice versa. It's a grieving process. It's not quick or easy but it will happen. Be gentle with yourself. *hugs*

[This message edited by SallyShrink81 at 10:46 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Even so, I've been with my current GF for about 2.5 years and I still find open wounds on occasion. Little things here and there that unexpectedly trigger me.

Hang in there Barcher. We are all works in progress but it is so much easier with a healthier partner who is not sticking a knife in your back.

Learning

Sorry you are hurting ((virtual hugs)). It is hard to detach from the healthy and normal attachment you had to your marriage. That's why it is called a bond.

Reading your story I was curious if pacing might have been too rapid. Instead of dipping your toes in shorter date things got more extended....like eating one cookie vs almost a whole bag.

Even long phone calls and lots of texting before meeting might be too much too soon.

I am not saying I understand human relationships (I mean look at what the person I married was capable of doing to me). But I am in another online group learning and the concept of pacing is taught.

Also I have had to work through a lot of feelings related to my exes lack of marriage appropriate bonding to me. Sorry you are going through this. Infidelity hurts.

Not only that, but it suddenly occurred to me: if it's this hard for me to start dating someone I actually am interested in, because X is still (apparently) so powerfully in my psyche, then it just KILLS ME how EASY it was for X to date other women all the time for 20 years.

I feel the difference may be that you are trying to connect with the person. Trusting and being vulnerable. Your X likely was purely in a consumer transaction and didn't really care about the person.

It's hard to trust. I'm finding that my picker is better, but I am pulling back after getting close and a relationship becomes more real. I think that's what it is anyway.

I think that there is always part of us that would like to go back to the familiar and the comfortable habits that we had and our ex's are a big part of what made them comfortable.

Until we start to meet new people and start creating new memories and experiences, we can find it tough to get get past that mentally. Its a big part of moving on though and so to some extent you have to let yourself feel sad when you do, whilst pushing yourself a bit to go out and start making new connections and making those new memories.

Conflicting feelings over things are very natural and its not always a sign of inner turmoil or drama, its only a sign that as humans we experience multiple emotions at any given time and that isn't a bad thing. Letting go of the old will always be sad, just don't let it hold you back from moving forward.

For some reason all of these fantastic responses went into my spam folder, and I just saw them today by accident!

So, I went out of town right after the first date and last weekend we finally had a second. It was soooooo nice. It was good that I had some time to chill a bit and we were able to keep contact through texts and calls.

I did a lot of work feeling my way through this emotionally, and trying to allow myself to be who I am out in the world when I'm with him, rather than the traumatized person I was in my marriage. I've had a couple of additional freakouts, but I think I'm going to be okay. It's really helpful to remember that I am who I am NOW, not who I was during my marriage.

Third date this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. So far he has been extremely understanding and patient.

If I have to wait 30 months to start dating I'm going to be really bummed. Right now it's more like 20.

I remember getting panic attacks after dates with one of my NB guys. Date would be fine...I would leave from date and have this feeling of "I MUST FLEE". I remember actually pulling the car over a few blocks away and swearing I wasn't going to do it again.

Made no sense since, like you, the date was fine, no red flags, nice guy, etc.

I just kept at it and he was very patient with me.

Last night's freakout: how do you tell the difference, early on, between a Narcissist and a caring person who is interested in you enough to pay attention? AACK!

I have been able to spot Narcissists in my life in the past - at work and among friends. I NEVER would have said my X was a Narcissist....until about a year ago. Now I can see it written all over the place, since fairly early on. But when we got together all I saw was a cute, funny, friendly person who actually was interested in ME!

I know that healthy relationships start with interest too, and attention - and they should!

A few of you have mentioned that urge to flee once you start a new relationship, and I think for me that is stemming from a fear that anyone who is actually paying attention to me is going to suck me in and subsume me like X did. Sort of like, this guy is really nice to me, is this FOR REAL? It's gotta be a trap.

But then I looked online to see traits of Narcissists, and so far I'm not seeing those in this guy. So far.... But I didn't in the X either. I'm not sure I'm the best judge of character in intimate relationships. I don't trust MYSELF to make a good call as much as anything.

Dating is haaaarrrdddd, y'all.

I remember getting panic attacks after dates with one of my NB guys. Date would be fine...I would leave from date and have this feeling of "I MUST FLEE".

100% what I am feeling right now! I have had four dates with a lovely man who makes me feel heard and appreciated. Every date is better than the one before. Yet, I can't wait for them to be over! I feel hugely drained by them. No quite panic attacks but anxiety all the same

I think the key at the beginning is to have dates every couple of weeks to give yourself time to process feelings and recover emotionally. Hopefully, as EvenKeel said, it will all fall into place and you will start feeling more relaxed and present! That's my hope too!

[This message edited by Karmafan at 9:31 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

That's a normal feeling at first. You'll eventually get over it.
Good luck on your healing!