SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What a crazy day.

Ok so...what drew me to church guy in the first place was that he has a servant's heart. He actively seeks to help people who can do nothing for him in return. And, I just love that because it speaks to me of selflessness. That's what made me like him so much, I saw that one facet of his personality and wanted to know more.

He's been my friend for a long time but very surface-y. Because, well, I was married and it wouldn't have been appropriate to know a single guy that well. I mean, he and I both have character, right?

However. I have learned that he has more issues than Reader's Digest.

He has a massive problem with self pity. There are things he could fix or change but he is choosing not to do that. He's choosing self pity. I don't want to get too specific on the off chance, because you just never know who is reading what, and who will recognize someone...but yeah.

I've gotten some feedback from trusted friends. One pointed out that he seemed to enjoy being a martyr and I can't argue with that (she knows details that I'm not going to post here).

Another friend said that he seems to be going to multiple women seeking attention and pity for his plight (which again I'm not going to get into the specifics of, but he does have a plight and it's pretty serious but he could also be doing things about it which he is choosing not to do).

I was thinking about what drives behavior. He is getting a secondary benefit by not fixing his issues or working on them AT ALL. He'd rather marinate in pain.

OK. He'll be marinating without me because I'm on an awesome trajectory.

However I will say this. He did serve a purpose for me. I see what I want in a man. I want that selfless servant's heart that's like Jesus. I want the guy who helps people who can do nothing for him in return. I want that guy. So I'm gonna look for a guy like that guy, but who doesn't have all the issues that Church Guy has.

End of story LOL.

Excellent job!

I've had a few "whew glad I dodged that bullet" moments the past few years of dating.

Now, if you meet another man that exhibits these traits you will recognize them quicker.

You should feel good :)

He actively seeks to help people who can do nothing for him in return.

Based on your description... he helps other people to get something in return... YOUR attention. (that's a general "you", although in this case... it's also literally you).

Covert narcissists often do a lot of public service because it's an opportunity to put themselves front and center for being a GOOD PERSON and to get the attention that goes with it.

I like to help people too but I don't tell EVERYONE about it, though. And I get something in return... it makes me happy.

I want that selfless servant's heart that's like Jesus.

I am teasing you... but you might want to lower your standards just a little bit, you know.

Barcher thank you for your insights. I have had that same thought about covert narcisscism. My ex husband did things like this in a very showy, public way. It mattered to him that others knew he was "helping".

This guy, not so much. He is very low key and behind the scenes typically and does not seek accolades for the good things he does.

His larger issue seems to be the martyr problem (poor me, poor me, I COULD be doing all these things to help my situation but I rather complain instead of taking action), and communication is horrific. He has openly said that someone "should have known" something that he did not tell them. Well no, bud, it's no one's job to read your mind and anticipate your needs and wants. You are responsible for communicating those things. With words LOL.

He has done a couple of kind of crappy things to me. Nothing that I'm going to camp out on and stew over, nothing that I'm going to even bother telling him about unless he asks (he won't) because there's no point. But it was like, "I'll ignore this matter until she gets the message" rather than telling me something directly. That shit doesn't work for me so I'm noping out LOL.

I'm reading him more as passive aggressive with low self worth who lives for ego kibbles from being a KISA than a covert narc. Being a KISA is low risk compared with building a relationship. I work with someone like that. He was paying bills for a few women at one point.

The first guy I was interested in post-divorce, first date I went on - he was very helpless and self-pitying. And self-sabotaging. I couldn't deal with it and broke things off. Sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet! Emotional tampons are no bueno.

Emotional tampons are no bueno.

Sorry for the thread jack, but this is just brilliant!

I've gotten some feedback from trusted friends. One pointed out that he seemed to enjoy being a martyr and I can't argue with that (she knows details that I'm not going to post here).

Another friend said that he seems to be going to multiple women seeking attention and pity for his plight (which again I'm not going to get into the specifics of, but he does have a plight and it's pretty serious but he could also be doing things about it which he is choosing not to do).

Why not both?

Awesome job at recognizing quickly that this is not the one for you. You did not fall into the old trap of seeing all these issues as things you could help him with. Bullet dodged indeed!

You did not fall into the old trap of seeing all these issues as things you could help him with

YES.

I am not an emotional rehab facility for men.

Codependent no more indeed!

Thanks Barcher!

I am not an emotional rehab facility for men.

Cowboy still available?

Cowboy is available but...eh. He has weird hair lol.

Cowboy is available but...eh. He has weird hair lol.

Must be all that horse-riding that he does

Emotional tampons are no bueno.

My new name for STBX!! Thanks, Jana!

Cowboy still available?

Go for it,ftgn! Take him home one night and while he is sleeping, cut his hair!

Cowboy pays a lot of attention to me. More than church guy did but I think church guy was emotionally stunted. Well I don’t think that, I know that.

I flirted a little with cowboy just to see what would happen and he flirted back.

I don’t know if I can deal with his crazy hair. Maybe I’ll casually slip into conversation, how much I dig short hair on guys.

I don’t know if I can deal with his crazy hair.

Invite him over and corner him with clippers. #10 comb is a good length.

Hair is much MUCH easier to fix and work with than emotional immaturity. Just saying. If everything else goes well with cowboy, maybe he'd be open to a hair cut.