SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. I'm a terrible person. I'm a very accomplished liar. I don't know if I have remorse, I don't feel guilt, but I know the things Ive done are bad. And I think I love my wife but I'm sure almost everyone will disagree.

I've been married for 10 years. Two years after I got married I started an affair that lasted until August this year. 8 years. I work away from home, away weekdays. Home weekends. This allowed me to live a double life. Ive lost count of how many women I have had an EA and PA with during this time. Many. My posts will focus on my wife and long term AP to make it easier for me.

AP found out about my BS about a year in. I lied to her and told her my intentions were to leave BS 'soon' and be with her. Strung her along for another 7 years for sex and fun times.

D-day happened. AP had snooped in my phone and taken my BS number. Got drunk with her friend, crank called many times. Concerned/annoyed BS told me about it and I realised what was going on and came clean to my BS. Didn't even trickle truth, told her everything until she asked me to stop.

The months leading up to xmas have been tough for her. She seems OK now. She can't be though can she?

Didn't even trickle truth, told her everything until she asked me to stop. The months leading up to xmas have been tough for her. She seems OK now. She can't be though can she?

You phrase this like it’s a bad thing. Do you think her “being OK” is in fact a bad thing?

BS here, no stop sign.

I don't feel guilt

Why not?

AP had snooped in my phone and taken my BS number. Got drunk with her friend, crank called many times.

She sounds great. Have you told her you’re done and cut contact, or are you planning to go back to it?

Did you tell your BS about ALL of your affairs, or did you try to minimize the damage by only telling her about the long term OW?

She can’t be though, can she?

I had the same thought as JBWD - what kind of question is this? Are you asking because it hurts your ego to think that your wife isn’t going to remain broken forever over you? I guess to put it more bluntly - what help are you looking for here? Advice on how to save your marriage? Help with fixing what’s broken within yourself that allows you to treat people like this?

Lastly, have you and your wife both been tested for STDs? You’ve “lost count” of the number of women you’ve had sex with other than your wife over the span of ten years. That’s sorta gross, dude. Get tested now, both of you, if you haven’t already.

*edited to make more concise/less snarky

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 5:28 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)]

Have you done anything to help her heal?

Reaching out on this site is a good start.

Have you read books?

Have you checked yourself into individual therapy?

Have you given her a timeline? When she had her dday she was overloaded and could not process all the information.

Have you changed your job and gone NC with the OW?

She's not OK, she has probably given up.

No stop sign 🛑

Are you kidding me, she’s not ok!!!

Her whole marriage has completely shattered around her how on earth do you think she’s feeling!!

My best bet is she’s lining up her ducks getting ready to burn it all down.

I don’t have much advice for you

However IMHO you need to Get into IC & Get STD checked, most importantly go NC with any AP’s ASAP

also if your BW wants a divorce give it to her free of more pain & misery

That’s the least you can do for your BW (betrayed wife)

OP, it is great that you found SI for there are a lot of WW and

WH that will guide you through recovery.

your BW needs this same support and you should have her

register here to get help from the JFO section.

being that you have been a serial cheater you need IC to learn

how to stop being a WH in the future.

you also can no longer have a job that allows you or requires

you to spend your nights away from home.

You say you know what you did was bad and that you're a liar. That sounds like guilt to me.

What do you want? Do you want to change? If you do, you may be feeling remorse.

What has your W said?

Your BS is most likely in shock right now. She needs a lot of support to get through this as you have given her a trauma that will stay with her for the rest of her life. I would direct her to this site and have her see an IC as soon as possible.

Read the book Cheating in a Nutshell and you’ll get a good idea of what she is about to go through. She’s not ok and won’t be for a long time it takes years to just get through this.

It sounds to me like she has done the 180, and detached.

My posts will focus on my wife and long term AP to make it easier for me.

Maybe because she sees you have no interest in working on yourself. And making things easier for you.

Healing as a WS takes hard work.

I urge you to focus on yourself, not your W and your ap. To heal, you need to focus on yourself and your own responsibility for where you are - and you need to decide to change from cheater to good partner.

That's if you really want to heal. You can choose to keep repeating this cycle, but why do that to yourself? Why cause yourself more pain?

OP - perhaps she reached a point of indifference which is worse if you ask me. She may said to herself you no longer matter to her. She is working on healing herself and start detaching from you emotionally. I don't know what you are or aren't doing to help her heal or gaining her trust but I will be very worry about her continue to detach. If so, it can only lead to one outcome which you know what that is.

As others have pointed out, work on yourself to be a safe partner be it with your wife or some future relationship.

I wish you well.

So you have been married 10 years and have cheated with many women over eight years of the marriage including one long-term relatiionship. Your wife needs IC desperately with someone who specializes in infidelity. Insist that she do that immediately. I find it remarkable that your wife is still with you, but that is her choice. The first sentence of your post says it all. Please do the right thing and get her into counseling. You certainly have no business being married to anyone who desires monogamy.

She is not OK. Not by a longshot. Frankly, she may never be OK again on some levels.

The walls she has built are to protect herself and the will be Hell to break through. If she chooses. She needs to come to terms with the fact that her entire life was a lie. One you created for her. That is a torture like no other.

When she finally breaks down, most likely she will need help. That will be a flood of biblical proportions.

She needs help. Professional IC. One who specializes in infidelity [particularly the BS and will not put 1 oz of blame on her]. She may need Rx. She may need more than this.

I do have a few questions for you.

* At the point she asked you to stop telling her things - how much was left?

* Have you gone NC with all of your past AP/LTAPs?

* Have those A's been outed to the OBS? [if not -they need to ASAP]

* Have both of you been checked for STDs [if not this needs to happen ASAP]

* What are you doing to be a better person? With or without your marriage - what are you doing to heal you? Please don't fool yourself that you can do it on your own. And please, if you have no intention of doing so, be honest about that too and let her go.