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Our 16 and 11 year olds will be going back to school like most others with a COVID schedule that upturns any easy notion of a simple custody schedule. I work, BW is at home and she told me to make a new schedule now that the school board has decided on a 2 day in person and 3 day virtual schedule, with the students divided into cohort a and b; a is in person Mon and Tues, all are virtual Wed, and cohort B is in person Thurs and Fri. We do not know yet which cohort they are in.

So brilliant me makes three schedules (She asked for 2, one for a and one for b). Yet I thought I knew better and made a 3rd choice that reflected an option that had the kids switching houses every week to minimize their moving around. Then to cap it all off I sent her an email that the plans were done and I recommended the 3rd option and wanted her feedback.

My expressing my recommendation I made it seem as though I had already decided and took listens from her and that she didn’t have a say in the matter and we never were even able to discuss any possible solutions, because I started defending and justifying.

What should I do to create a plan that works for her and the kids? I can’t be there to be the stay at home parent because of my work. My work will let me telecommute occasionally, like taking every Wednesday to be at home with the kids But I can’t be with them all the time, so it has to be a split custody schedule.

I am at fault here and will conceded and adjust, I just have no idea how to make this plan now. What should it look like given the all the circumstances and that of course I am the cheating lying abuser?

I am so lost after today and appreciate any thoughts anyone has, even if it is to tell me I am dead wrong...anything will be a new direction because the one i am on is not right.

Why don’t you get a lawyer?

I'm sorry. I just don't know what to tell you other than this is utter fucking hell for working parents to try to navigate. I hope you guys are able to work something out.

Am I reading correctly that your wife is SAH? Ideal custody might have to fly out the window in favor of keeping parents employed and kids safe ATM. The fact that you're the cheating lying whatever is irrelevant at the moment because right now you guys have got to coparent and make it work. It's not fair but that's where we are at. My ex and I have had to scramble and make adjustments all over the place. Nothing is going to be ideal right now for anyone. I wish you the best and you have my sympathy.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:54 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

WTR, she told you what she wanted. You chose not to give her what she asked for and instead gave her something she didn't ask for and doubled down when confronted. So why did you defy her wishes in the first place? Because you thought you knew better? Because you wanted to argue? Because you knew what she would say/do and you wanted a reaction out if her? Why?

You chose not to give her what she asked for and instead gave her something she didn't ask for and doubled down when confronted. So why did you defy her wishes in the first place?

According to OP, she asked for a new schedule. Given that they don't know which cohort their kids are in (A or B) he automatically needed to make two schedules, because if he'd only made one schedule, she probably would have faulted him for not taking both options into consideration. He made her three schedules and gave his opinion. How is that "defying her wishes"? He gave her more than what she asked for. Is he not allowed to have an opinion or independent thought just because he's a WS?

[This message edited by needing_clarity at 12:20 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Why would the cohort matter with one working parent and one stay at home parent, unless everyone thinks an unsupervised 11year old should be homeschooling alone 3 days a week, or the teen 16 year old should be responsible for her own online schooling and teaching her younger brother? Seems possible in a dual income family in a pinch, but why when there’s a perfectly capable stay at home parent available? Unless the extra days are wanted to reduce child support or the stay at home parent is unfit in some manner?

The real issue seems to be dividing up the weekends, and holidays, none of which change based on assigned cohorts.

The third “option” was likely included to keep from actually settling the matter and continuing to drag out this convoluted nightmare, and to make sure the domineering physically violent remains in control.

The third “option” was likely included to keep from actually settling the matter and continuing to drag out this convoluted nightmare, and to make sure the domineering physically violent remains in control.

This is exactly what I'm getting it. Plus he doubled down when he could have heard her out.

So why did you do that, WTR? What was your motivation to behave in a way that you knew would lead to more fighting and anger from your BW?

He's been physically violent?

I guess I am not reading this right.

Your wife stays at home and you work. What’s the issue with the kids being home part time for school if your wife is at home?

Are guys D?

How is she supporting herself?

neko,

I always think there is another angle, another option, trying to make things work, finding a loophole...being arrogant instead of simply listening and doing. I am in the wrong here and yes she is rightI I offered a solution that wasn't good in the first place but then made it worse by trying to manipulate and sell that COA that she did not ask for in the first place. Absolutely I am allowed my own opinion...but that doesn't mean I have to selfishly try and impose it on her...as has happened before many times when my opinion is asked for it is received and considered..sometimes good and sometimes bad but that is the way it goes. when i offer it up ahead of time it is manipulation and controlling to the person whom I have abused.

Yes I have a temper and have been violent. I am ashamed of those actions and my loss of control but it is true, and those outbursts have further eroded trust and made it so she does not feel like she can say no...therefore when I offer my opinion ahead of time of course she feels like she cannot offer another opinion.

I doubled down because in my mind I knew that wasn't true and what I meant...but that doesn't matter...her reality is what matters. I am in the wrong here again and the situation is still unresolved, and made worse.

Yes she stays at home and she is right the real issue is the weekends and holidays and who is getting them to and from on the days they have to physically be present.

This could have been simple where it not for my preemptive actions. maybe others WSs will read this and know that their stealing of their BS's agency and changing of their reality and their fear and uncertainty means they have lost the right to have those preemptive opinions because they are NOT on even ground anymore. I know I am not and every time I arrogantly act like I am it hurts her and makes everything worse.

...maybe others WSs will read this and know that their stealing of their BS's agency and changing of their reality and their fear and uncertainty means they have lost the right to have those preemptive opinions because they are NOT on even ground anymore.

Do you feel that your BW has the “upper hand?” And that consequently she preempts your opinions?

This sounds very adversarial to me.

Absolutely I am allowed my own opinion

Quite the opposite. You are allowed your own opinion when it comes to the kids. You can recommend what you would like, but that is not stating that is what should happen. You can have your opinion, just as she can have hers. That's when you BOTH make the compromise to account for what's best for the children.

Yes I have a temper and have been violent

Can you give us more detail on this?

Hellfire my rage is intimidating and dominating and as a much larger and stronger person than her, and one who is trained to fight and win, and one who has brain damage on top of it, it makes it so if she sees anger, she does not feel she can say no. My rage comes from entitlement and frustration at having to face the consequences of my actions and having to reap what I sewed instead of being able to manipulate and change the outcome as I have always done.

There is so much work I have to do on myself to be a better man, and living and acting grace, humility and letting go of control is the only way I can stop feeling petulant and frustrated At the circumstances I create, and angry at myself for the consequences i cause. It is the only way to show her and treat her with the kindness she deserves to be treated with.