Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: LonelyandUnsure

Wayward Side :
I came clean

This Topic is Archived
default

 830ll (original poster new member #72821) posted at 5:55 AM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

I confessed everything to my wife today. It was the hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it. And I’m really glad I did, because now our relationship can rebuild from a place of honesty. I’m not a liar or a secret keeper anymore.

My wife is doing okay so far. She took it amazingly well. It may be shock, and she is definitely hurting some, but we were able to really connect with each other during the disclosure conversation in a way that we haven’t for a while. I’m committed to helping her to heal in any way I can, and she seems to be receptive to that. I don’t know what the future will hold for us, but right now I’m so amazed by how gracious and kind my amazing wife is, and I know that I’m so lucky to have her.

Also, I sent the NC message today, and that felt so good.

Thanks again to everyone who have given me such great advice and support here.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2020
id 8523642
default

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 6:11 AM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

I'm very glad to hear that you are now in a place of honesty with your wife.

Keep it up. Rule #1 is no more lies. ever.

It will take some time for her to process and absorb. Buckle in, the ride can be pretty darned rough... and the rage stage can be quite a doozy.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3828   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8523644
default

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 6:50 AM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

((hugs)) to both of you. This is a hard journey you both have ahead of you. Be there for her. We will be here for you.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8523654
default

Zugzwang ( member #39069) posted at 3:15 PM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

So happy to hear this. Today is the first day to a better you.

"Nothing in this world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty." Teddy Roosevelt
D-day 9-4-12 Me;WS



posts: 4938   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2013
id 8523714
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:42 PM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

She is in shock.

I responded the same way when I was told.

She is not "hurt some." She is devastated.

Also, it's rather naive of you to think thisbis a fresh start to rebuild. After the shock wears off, and the pain, and rage, hit her full force, she may not want to rebuild. So, in the meantime, you need to be working on yourself, to become a safe partner, so that when the shock does wear off, she may see someone she wants to rebuild with,and not just the man who caused her enormous damage.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6822   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8523723
default

ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 4:07 PM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

When WH first admitted it, I actually fely a ton of relief. I wasn't crazy! I wasn't imagining things! All my suspicions were true, and AP wasn't "just a friend."

The relief didn't last long though. I spent the day in an awful daze (he told me Thanskgiving morning right before a 2+ hour drive w/ our kids in the backseat to my family's house) and then tried to kick him out the next day when I realized he was still in contact with AP and wanted to "end things gently."

Stay NC. Tell your wife if your AP tries to contact you. Tell your wife if you slip up. 100% honesty and transparency is the only way to move forward. Good luck.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2123   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8523733
default

LifeDestroyer ( member #71163) posted at 4:19 PM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

Please don't walk around your house acting like everything is fine and that she is fine. She is not and neither is anything else in her world. Be there for her. Tell her that you are right there when she wants to talk or scream or cry or question. Check in on her. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her what she needs you to do.

She is in shock right now. You just blew up her world. She is trying to figure out if she still has a pulse and then is trying to see if she can still feel her limbs. Also, she is not hurting "some," she is hurting with every fiber in her body.

We are waywards, we excel in being naive. Please, stop that now.




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8523739
default

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 10:59 PM on Sunday, March 15th, 2020

Good for you. I mean that with all sincerity. I'm glad you went through with it. Keep it up - because she will have questions. Answering truthfully [the truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth] honestly and calmly are key here. She will ask the same questions thousands of times. Keep your cool and answer truthfully again and again and again.

I understand a great burden has been lifted from your shoulders. I want you to understand it landed directly on her heart. Be gentle with it.

Like others said, she is in shock. Use this time to be proactive. Read from the Healing Library. Read the references recommended there. Don't make the same mistakes many have made before you - and are warning you about on SI.

Check with whatever insurance you may have to see if an EAP program is offered. Utilize it and whatever resources you have available to you.

And yes, buckle up. And I mean with G force restraints. Keep posting. You have a bunch of us WS and BS alike to help you [and her if she wants/needs] along the way.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8523837
default

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 12:27 AM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

I'm glad I was wrong and you stepped up to the mark. I just hope you're truly prepared to continue to put in the hard work.

Your wife's probably in shock right now, be prepared for her emotions to be all over the place as she tries to process everything she's just found out.

posts: 963   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8523863
default

redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 3:44 AM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

I posted this on your other thread:

Oh, and if she does come here, don' ever peak on her thread without permission. The BS side is very different from this side. She'll be posting things that you really don't have any business reading.

BH 62, WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings WW #1 56F since remairred twice continues to cheat even today WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage DD adult 33 DSD adult 34 DSS adult 31

posts: 278   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8523912
default

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:45 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

Keep it up. Rule #1 is no more lies. ever.

Please please please remember this. Not being truthful does more damage than "protecting her from the pain". Often it's not the A that kills the Marriage or any chance of R, but the half truths, lies, and minimizations of what A. Be brutally honest. She deserves that.

Support her. Love her. Be kind to her, and remember you have had quite a bit of time to get used to what you were doing/did. This is all brand new, and confusing for her, and this trauma won't just go away. It will take years to heal.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20380   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8523983
default

LoveTKO ( member #54298) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

Often it's not the A that kills the Marriage or any chance of R, but the half truths, lies, and minimizations of what A. Be brutally honest. She deserves that.

Yes, tushnurse nailed it. It wasnt' the A that ended my 30 year marriage it was STBXWH's inability to face what he did honestly and do the work to heal our marriage.

What you did is courageous but it's only the beginning of a long road. I wish you both well..

Me: BW
Him: FWH
LTA one year with local MOW
Dday: 12/4/15
Done - separated

posts: 794   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2016   ·   location: MA
id 8524011
default

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 4:35 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

You have no idea how important it will be, over the course of your life, that you took this step honestly and voluntarily. While it would have been better to come clean before you married, you still gave her the agency to make decisions now without being trapped by financial or co-parenting entanglements.

It's good that you recognized that an emotional affair is still cheating and that you were honest about every detail of your interactions. That last one is so important. Remember that nauseous, suicidal feeling? You don't want that to start growing again, so if there's anything you're holding back, get it out now. No exceptions. Trickle truth would mean that your wife's struggles after D-Day, which she thinks are the whole battle, are just Round 1, and she'll have to do it all again from scratch. By sparing her that, you're ahead of the vast majority of waywards we meet or hear about on this site.

The cautions you're receiving here about not thinking "Whew, that's over" are smart and important to heed. Among other things, it's very unusual that you and AP never went physical over that length of time, and if your BS comes here, that story will be met with (to put it mildly) skepticism. Your wife will have difficulty trusting you, even when you're telling the absolute truth, because she thought she knew you well enough to tell if you were hiding things, and now she knows she didn't. So be prepared for the possibility of suspicion and false allegations, and take them gracefully.

Getting this news during a pandemic is especially unpredictable. This is an experience that's new to all of us. Anxiety may draw you together or push you apart, depending on your specific circumstances. Be ready for her attitude to shift a lot, and work especially hard to keep yours on an even keel. You had time to prepare yourself for the fallout, and she did not.

Best of luck to you, 83. I'm glad you did the right thing.

WW/BW

posts: 3725   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8524032
default

toughtotrust ( member #58470) posted at 9:20 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

Glad to see that you pulled off the band-aid. I think it was excruciatingly painful to some of us to see you take so long. How this this goes is out of your control, as long as you do your part. And it seems that you have the right mindset.

I wish you the best.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2017
id 8524116
default

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2020

Kudos to you. This is the beginning of a long process but will lead to a better place.

Just be there for her, as she needs you. If she pushes you away, then be patient for when she needs you again. Be open and transparent.

I wish you well. The both of you.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8524138
default

Feelinglikethat ( new member #72292) posted at 12:58 PM on Tuesday, March 17th, 2020

I’m glad you followed through. Thats the first step to becoming a better you.

The next months and how you react will really set the tone for the possibility of R. Eventually the truth will settle with her and she will be upset after the numb phase wears off. Be prepared to hear hurtful things. Be prepared to be met with anger. From experience, I did a really shit job in this phase and it is detrimental. Accept the things she says. Be patient and calm. Don’t get defensive...it’ll only do harm. Accept all the blame for your actions. And please, dont focus on the negatives in the marriage that you maybe use to justify any unhappiness you felt.

Now is the time to focus on being empathetic and to have some grace. Be honest with her and answer all her questions. Ask her if she has questions. Let her know you are open. Look into yourself and dig to find your ‘whys’. Find what is lacking WITHIN yourself (not within the marriage) and work on you.

You did a great thing by coming clean. Keep going. This forum is a saving grace. Come here any time to vent or to ask questions. The members here have been in your shoes, we are in your shoes! The advice is priceless. Dont give up.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019
id 8524234
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy