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How long would you need to be with someone before you were comfortable with taking that step?

What . . . . I'm not eloquent tonight . . . what THINGS would you need to be in place first?

He's broached the subject. He had had a few beers with a friend before he brought it up with me and apologized the next day for being pushy. Truth be told, I'm glad he apologized because I did feel pressured and pushed. I like the way things are now, but I know he'd like to take that step.

I feel like my life has been nothing but chaos and turmoil for the last ten years. The kids and I just moved into a cozy 1400 sq ft house this summer. We are still unpacking boxes/getting settled.

I like the way things are now. I like having my time with my kids, my time with him, some time alone. Some time with his kids and my kids together on occasion.

I feel like everything with their dad is going to continue to be chaos (case in point - he moved out of our marital home, the one I just sold, in February 2017. He and I had just moved in there the previous August. He moved into an apartment. Six months later bought a house and moved into it. A few months later sold that house, and bought and moved into a DIFFERENT house. Has purchased a lot and is planning to start building yet another house). My kids are getting dragged along with that. I want my house to be a peaceful calm stable place. I feel like we haven't even gotten settled yet and I don't want to shake things up.

I also feel like an asshole because part of this is that my boyfriend has his youngest daughter, who is 13 and who I like very much, every other weekend. His youngest son, who has a different mom, is with him half the time, but is graduating high school in the spring and moving out. So he couldn't move in with me until at least after his son graduates. But there's no space in my house for his daughter. He said no biggie, she usually chooses to sleep on the couch at his house anyway . . . but I feel like that's an arrangement that would be unwelcoming to her if that is her ONLY option. And I don't want to make my daughter share her room. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but I just don't want to do it.

This is total word vomit. Thanks if you've made it this far.

For information purposes, he and I have been together for one year this weekend. He treats me like a queen and he's good to my kids. We are compatible personality-wise and in the bedroom. Those are the good.

The things that give me pause are that he had just very recently given up hope for him and his ex-wife to reconcile when he and I met. I kind of didn't realize the shortness of time that had elapsed there when we started dating. I worry that he hadn't been truly alone long enough (I was probably alone TOO long, LOL). And I do feel like he has kind of pushed our relationship a bit faster than I would have. Not sexually - in that regard he was very respectful and not pushy at ALL - but he had obvious Feelings for me very early on.

So - um, is it bad that I want to pump the brakes on the moving in discussion? Like, for a WHILE? A CONSIDERABLE while? I do not want to hurt him. I do not want to make him feel like I don't care. Should I feel ready after a year?

Thanks for reading my novel, guys.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:39 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I think it's one of those things you do when you're ready. And if your gut is yelling at you to not do it for ANY reason, please, please listen. Moving in together and blending families is hard when you're 100% on board. When you're feeling forced into it, it's a disaster. Trust me, I know!

I agree that peace is paramount and I can totally understand why you want that in your home. It took me awhile but now that I have it, someone would have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers. I will not budge on it at all.

I know it's not always easy to have these conversations, but talk to him. Let him know how you feel. If he tries to pressure you into it, my advice would be run the other way. At best, you don't have same timeline right now. At worst, he wouldn't be respecting how you feel.

I know this stuff isn't easy!

Thank you wildbananas!

Yeah, I was kind of upset the other night. It was a text conversation, and he kept asking me what were the things that were barriers to my wanting us to move in together. And I don't work that way. I have to sit and think about things for a long time before I can articulate how I feel. Now I can, and I can articulate it here now because I've had time to think, but when he put me on the spot the other night it just made me feel awful. And he knew that, once he processed the beer LOL, which is why he apologized.

I'm just not ready.

Thanks again for reading and validating my feelings.

I completely agree about only doing this when you're ready. My SO pressured me early on to consider moving in one day and that alone was enough for me to breakup with him!! Lol. I don't handle pressure in a relationship well We got together again and he took the entire discussion off the table, which was a relief to me.

But like you I have had so many years of turmoil that there was no way I could handle anything extra. And it wasn't good for my kids who are older then yours to have the sand under their feet keep shifting.

You have to stick to what's good for you and your kids and if the timing of this relationship and what your goals/tolerance isn't matching than so be it.

I'm probably not the right person to ask as I can't imagine ever living with a man ever again. That said, I think one year is way too early to blend families. You're still kind of in the honeymoon phase at that point. You have two kids, correct? 1400 ft is not very big for four people. At his daughter part time and it's downright cramped.

What is his living situation right now? Why does he want to move in so badly?

I've only been dating my SO 5 months. His kids are grown and gone. He owns his house. I own my house. We were at an electronic store at the other day and the salesman asked us if we were married. Nope, we said. Living together? Nope, we said. SO replied, "We each own our own houses. It's kind of a nice arrangement.". I couldn't agree more. My kids are still young and with me 50% of the time. I can't ever see a man moving in for at least 14 more years. There's just no need. Moving in feels like marriage. And I never want to get married again. Neither does he.

Yup, I have my two.

Okay so here's where we have big honesty time. He has been living in his mom's house, basically house-sitting, while his mom was across the country taking care of her mother. Her mother has passed away, and his mother decided that she wants to sell the house after his son graduates. But he is actually wanting to move out before that. Prior to the conversation that we had over text, I was feeling really guilty because I knew that he was looking for a place to live and I felt like the "good" girlfriend thing to do would be to ask him to move in. So I initiated a conversation about it and told him that I feel guilty because I wasn't ready. And he told me that he wouldn't want to move in under those kind of circumstances. Where it would be kind of like a necessity rather than where we decided it was best to go as a couple. Basically it would put me in a bad position. So we had that conversation and I felt really good about it because we were on the same page. Which is really why the subsequent conversation, the text conversation, did upset me. Money is tighter for him than it is for me. I know he doesn't want to be a user. But I have a lot of guilt over the fact that he's struggling and I'm comfortable. He works his ass off and is in the running right now for a job that would be a significant pay raise. Early on in our relationship, he said that he was worried that the fact that I made more money would be a problem, and I assured him that it wouldn't be. But the imbalance at this point is making me feel guilty. Like he insists on paying for things and it makes me worried that it's going to cause him a hardship financially. All these things tie together into the living together conversation, and I know that he's not trying to put his financial situation on me, but I'm aware of it and it makes me feel guilty.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 12:17 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

So - um, is it bad that I want to pump the brakes on the moving in discussion? Like, for a WHILE? A CONSIDERABLE while? I do not want to hurt him. I do not want to make him feel like I don't care. Should I feel ready after a year?

Not bad at all. Exercising great boundaries, and in my opinion, you should absolutely *not* feel ready after a year, especially with kids in the mix.

To your question about "things," this is what I think I'd need:

1) Several years of relationship under our belt

2) Several years of planning, conversation, discussion, maybe counseling, etc.

3) Preferably no chance of disrupting kid lives really at all (that's my preference)

4) Clear executable contingency plan in place and ready to go (i.e., what will I do if we need to quickly part ways?)

5) A *real* commitment that I can trust to putting real work into the relationship, from both sides, and a trust that both sides actually have a sense of what that means and looks like

6) Probably a LOT more stuff

Ha. As I sit here and type this out, I realize how vastly different this is from the mindset that got me married the first time around in my mid-20s. At that time, my needs were:

1) Meh, whatever.

Reading what you wrote about his current situation... girl, no. Don't do it at this point. Believe you me, if you do, it will cause all kinds of resentment for you.

My failed post-D relationship is kind of known around NB lol... I'll give you the Cliff Notes version. Dude was high pressure from the start; heck, he proposed on our third date! (Yes, I said NO. But he proposed hundreds of times over the next few years. Like daily. So probably thousands. ) He finally got me to let him and his two kids move in. For the 2.5 years we lived together, he didn't have a job. Neither of us got any CS and we both had our kids fulltime. I ended up supporting EIGHT PEOPLE. And he got angrier and meaner as time went on. It did not end well.

Now, I know I am definitely a worst case scenario. However, I AM an example of what can happen when you go against what your gut is telling you. While I'm sure this guy is way nicer than mine was, bottom line is you aren't ready and the conversation should stop there. It's not what you want to do with your life right now. I've learned the hard way that you only get one go around. Don't waste a second of it putting the wants and needs of you and your babies to the side.

You do you, boo.

He's had 2 marriages or child producing relationships end. Why?

Okokok, that's funny. I look back to when I got married in my twenties and I wonder what the heck I was thinking. I didn't really love him that much, I was just kind of drifting.

Bananas omg. I'm so glad that you got out of that situation. I do think my boyfriend is nicer than that guy, but I think that it doesn't really matter how nice and well-intentioned he is, the situation as it is is going to cause resentment if we took that step prematurely. And I just don't want to do that to my children. I don't want to do that to my relationship, which is good and healthy and positive overall. I feel like this would tank it.

Early on in our relationship, he said that he was worried that the fact that I made more money would be a problem

Problem for whom? You or him? Maybe it's him?

Has he ever lived alone, on his own financially? Did he go from marriage to Mom's house directly?

It is good that he voiced not wanting to move in out of necessity / for the wrong reasons. However I agree with you, the subsequent text conversation would have bothered me and I would have felt pressured. You cannot move in with him while you are feeling pressured. That will not end well. Resentment will most certainly grow. Absolutely hold your boundary here.

If this ends up being a deal breaker for him, then the relationship was not meant to last. and consider yourself lucky for finding out sooner rather than later, and without having to disrupt your children's lives.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:52 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

My situation:

Shortly after XWW and I split, my youngest went off to college. My current (and final!) GF has a 28 yo who is pretty well launched. And my GF has been divorced for over a decade, so her daughter was not weirded out by our relationship, relieved more than anything.

So, we didn't have the full-on blended family challenges that would have made co-habitation very complicated. But we did have the stuck-in-our-ways situation to contend with, and the implied power struggle of having two established homes.

After 2 years together we gently started talking in the abstract about living together. No timelines, no geographies, just idle chatter. Her house is lovely and in a gorgeous in-town neighborhood in the city near me, but it couldn't support my side interests (loud music, woodworking). My house is very different - I live in the country in a beautiful custom home on three wooded acres. It is situated on a ridge overlooking a gorgeous environmentally preserved river. It's truly breathtaking. It has a detached music studio and a nice basement woodshop and at last count, some 50+ windows. It's bigger than her house too, but nonetheless cozy. But it was the marital home for me and what's-her-name, so that was a big vote against my joint.

So, it seemed we were destined for a new to both of us house. But the more we casually looked at real estate, the more dissatisfied we were with the offerings. So, she came around to the idea of moving into my house before I began to sell the idea. I was ecstatic.

Now, over three years later, we are redoing aspects of the house (kitchen countertops, re-painting, hardwood floor refinishing, tile tubs in place of cheap acrylic inserts). And she has reviewed every item in the house for "Her Cooties" and subsequent purge.

I suggested she rent her house furnished rather than sell it. 1) It will let us shuffle the furniture around to keep combined good stuff with us and more rental worthy stuff at her house. 2) She lives two blocks from a major university, so it's prime for sabbatical home renting. and 3) I joke that if she finds out I'm an asshole, she just needs to wait until the end of the semester. She already owns two rental houses, so she's already got a rolodex of plumbers, electricians, etc... at her disposal.

I also co-habbed with her for 4 months when I let my daughter and her family move into my house as a staging process for her moving back to the area. And I must say, our domestic rhythms really synced.

She has her house rented starting the end of December, so the deadline is there. She has lots of house purging to do, I have lots of upfitting and oversight of the upgrade process, but I am super excited.

The remaining challenge is to make sure her friends feel comfortable making the 15-20 minute drive to our bucolic paradise. They're great people and I will do everything to make them feel welcome.

Our situation is someone unique, without young kids in the mix and having a fair amount of parity in our situations.

Why not marriage? Well, I don't have a great track record, so I want to wait a bit and make sure we like each other's morning breath for months at a time.

I dated SO for 3 1/2 years before we moved in together. My D was final 5 years prior to us starting dating, so I had been on my own for 8 years.

We are older so no kids at home. The reason we moved in together is that we wanted to spend more time together and it was wasteful keeping up two households.

If you aren't ready, for whatever reason, you aren't ready. You don't have to justify or apologize.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

I really can't thank you guys enough for taking the time to respond. I think he and I both need to have some time and stability on our own before we even address this topic again. That was my inclination before and you guys have made me feel more secure in that.

Possibly never. I think moving in should be done out of a desire to share a life at that level of intimately, not out of economic necessity, especially if it's one-sided.

I like Okokok's list, and it makes me think I should have my own list, too.

For context, my boyfriend and I just broke up on Friday. The primary reason given was that he wanted to focus on his troubled teenager's needs. That's a completely valid reason, but I think we both also saw that our relationship had gone as far as it would and neither of us were interested in pursuing cohabitation with each other (at least not for many years) given our life circumstances.

So - um, is it bad that I want to pump the brakes on the moving in discussion? Like, for a WHILE? A CONSIDERABLE while? I do not want to hurt him. I do not want to make him feel like I don't care. Should I feel ready after a year?

It is within your rights to say that you aren't interested in having this discussion for a couple more years. If you are wishy-washy about it, he may get a crappy apartment and consider it temporary until you "come around". He needs to focus on building his own life with his daughter, rather than rely on you as an escape hatch.

I understand the imbalance of finances, too. I think it can make it even more imperative to set ground rules before cohabiting.

It happened in my family. They dated for about six months and when his lease was up he moved into her house. She was very blunt with him that she would not try to parent his children in any way. She would be friendly but those children belong to him. She also said her child was hers. All three were teenagers and got along great and still do. After a couple of years of living together they decided to get Married. The rules still hold. Although she can see some issues with his children she has stayed out of it. Consequently his children trust her. Her child trusts him. Whether this will last long term is anyone’s guess but so far so good. The very best suggestion I have for you is to be honest, have a very clear boundaries and stick to them. Blended families can cause chaos unless everyone understands what they are be expected to do and not to do. Total honesty. No holding grudges. Talking things out.

Ok, there is your original question and then there is some “food for thought” on your specific details...

I think you should wait as absolutely long as possible for every phase of a relationship. Not just this one, but every one. Think about it, that time you dated before first kiss, before sex, before living together, before marriage, before kids. Each phase has a unique and special feeling that should be savored and enjoyed for its unique feeling....because once you go past that point with that person, you will never ever get to visit that earlier phase again. Think about it. Once you are having sex

with someone you never get to live in the joy of the third base fooling around and fantasizing and teasing and anticipation. Once you have kids, you will never not have kids. For each phase there is absolutely no turning back so you should drag out each phase as long as possible. If he is the right one for you forever....you will never get to ever live on your own again and neither will he. I strongly believe you should only go to the next stage when neither person can stand to stay in the current phase one more minute.

Now as for your personal situation. As a person who has always been a primary earner and been more financially stable, I can totally understand the imbalance and also that sometimes a financial imbalance is ok or works for you. My x had a million issues but me making more money or being more financially stable wasn’t one of them.

His father, however is a notorious sponge who has built his entire life off of living off of women or mooching off of family members including his own children. He has mastered the art of surrounding himself with caring people and then acting helpless enough and proud enough that those who care practically force their generosity on him. His relationships with women and everyone else evolve at the pace of their generosity, his current wife and he were just ready to live together when he was losing his house ( he bought with borrowed money) ...she didn’t know it’s a cycle I watched with woman after woman for 20 years.

Even with his own kids...” I miss the grandkids so much I wish I could afford to visit....”blink blink blink (queue let us buy a ticket for you). “I know I have this art show but I would feel like my art meant something to the world if I could just sell a painting...” blink blink...(queue x brother in law who had no money buying his dads “modern art” paintings to make his dad feel better and so he could own something from his dad who never gave him anything).

In the end, you should only move in with him if you and your kids are ready and really want to. But be careful that he is not someone who surrounds himself with kind people who are constantly helping him financially from the goodness of their heart, and that your relationship is evolving out of real love for you and your kids...not timed when the generosity from the last person had run out.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 9:08 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

MakingMyFuture, that is a very good point and cautionary tale. I do at times feel a bit of resentment towards him - personally I feel you shouldn't date until you have your shit together financially at least for the most part. But he also lost a big client a few months ago through no fault of his own (they transferred the work he'd been doing to an internal employee). So that's a factor. But this man bends over backwards to help me constantly - my heat went out the first really cold night we had last year. My ex - "oh, that sucks." Then two hours later asked if I wanted to bring the kids over to his house. In that 2 hour window, BF, who was just Dude I was Seeing at that point, got out of bed (he gets up super early) and drove across town to bring me his big nice space heater so the kids and I could pile up in my bed and be warm. My sink backs up? He's in my kitchen after working a ten-hour day taking the pipes apart and dislodging a truly disturbing clog. I couldn't get contractors to respond to my calls for the home repairs I needed to make before putting my house on the market. He gets on YouTube, teaches himself how to do shit, and helps me get my house ready to sell. He's kind to me, he's kind to others. He's the guy who helps his coworkers move. He's the guy getting the thing off the top shelf for the little old lady at the grocery store. So I'm looking at all the good and positive and weighing that against . . . yeah, he has money struggles. Which he's trying to mitigate. It's just - ugh. My ex was great at making money and just awful at Decent Humaning. I know it's not either one or the other, lol, but I'm happier with BF than ex.

So - um, is it bad that I want to pump the brakes on the moving in discussion? Like, for a WHILE? A CONSIDERABLE while?

Gently, why are you questioning if what you feel is wrong? Wrong for whom?

Do you have any clarity on what feels right for you? (There's two separate emphasis in that question - feels right and for you. )

I get a sense of that in your initial post but I don't want to make assumptions. I will say - you made a lot of effort to get to the place you are; it's not been an easy journey. If that is something you want to enjoy and protect then I could certainly understand such.

Having been married to someone who was not kind or “decent humaning (love that term!), so I totally understand that you value that more!

I do think you should hold to what you feel is best for you and your kids right now, but when you are ready, he does sound kind and in the end if you and your kids get to a point where you would be happy with the arrangement that is what matters!

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 1:41 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]