SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here is my thread from JFO:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639180

My WW and I met with my lawyer yesterday. D process explained and we agreed to have my lawyer draft post-nuptial agreement to split finances.

After WW left, attorney asked me if I want her to file the D papers and have WW served. I said to wait.

That is a big step.

I would appreciate any words of encouragement...

I encourage you to be strong. I wish you luck.

However, I cannot give you encouragement in your M, if that is what you are asking for. I went back and looked at your thread again. Your WW is not showing any evidence of making the effort for R.

You are a very strong man to endure what you have been put through. I expect you will continue to conduct yourself honorably. You are capable of making your life better, you just need to decide what you want and go make it happen.

Even if she wanted to reconsider all this-which I don't believe she does and she has given no indication to that-most of the times, pride will stop her from making any gesture towards you. Asking for forgiveness is the hardest thing and her hard headed nature simply won't allow for it. It's something I struggle with as well. But, this is wishful thinking. She wants to start a new life without you. Everything points to that.

You've been great in dealing with this and I've got high hopes that a level headed man like you will easily find happiness in the future but as Tigersrule77 says, I can't offer you encouragement for this marriage. Illicit "love affair" that's been going on for an year now and with no signs of stopping. Maybe she'll have more regret of breaking up the family when the high wears off. But don't expect any sort of apology or a step towards you. Pride is a dangerous beast.

Filing is a formality at this point.

What prompted your decision to delay filing?

mrnicehockeyguy, I've followed your story for a while.

As ChamomileTea asked, what's the reason for the delay?

I never did divorce my wife, but I did file. Once she realized that her good life was about to be over, I think she had some hard choices to make.

I was full bore into divorcing her and I would've followed through, if she hadn't come clean and started making the right decision.

I also had a pitbull for an attorney. He threatened her with me taking full custody of our children and putting her out on her tail.

@ChamomileTea and @Wool94 Thanks for following.

I guess my reluctance to file is that filing for D is something that I don't want to do, but have to.

WW and I have not spoken to each other for two weeks unless about scheduling/logistics of picking up kids and dinners. She seems resigned to suffer her consequences.

I don't really think there is much of a chance for R anyway.

This is just putting off the inevitable.

I know that the sooner I have her served, the sooner we can D, and the sooner that I can move on and forward with my life.

The whole situation is just sad.

Divorce is not an abyss though sometimes it seems like one starting out. In reality, it is a way out of hell. Especially when the WS is indifferent to the suffering she caused. You need to honor yourself here. You got this far, so don't act like the parachutist who gets in the plane, goes up to the door, but won't let go of the frame.

Cmon rambler. Get rambling!

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 8:21 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

So, I went ahead and emailed the lawyer with instructions to file for D!

I also requested a courier to deliver her papers to her while she is at work. Figure that is the way to do it since her AP was/is a coworker and her job is SOOOO important to her.

I will follow up my earlier response to continue to be strong and work on yourself. I can relate to your reluctance to file for D. No one enters their M expecting a D, and certainly not under these circumstances.

You are dealing with a very difficult situation. You have handled yourself well.

I agree with you that although you may not have wanted a D, you didn't have much choice.

Keep in mind, you are taking the steps necessary to help yourself heal. It will become easier. It is hard to see right now, but the more you distance yourself from your WW, you will begin to see all of the other good things you have in your life, and the positives in the future.

I think really all you can do is take care of you now. Maybe serving her might help wake her up but I seriously doubt it. I think in my experience and being on these sites the ones that really turn things around do it right away.

I am sorry you are here but be proud of yourself. You never cheated. You stayed true and there will be a great woman out there that will see the great value in that.

Take all the time you need to work on yourself now.

That was a tough decision to make, but honestly, she hasn't left you any other options. I bumped up the "Fear v. Reality" thread for you. I think it might do you some good to see how others have dealt with their anxieties.

Strength to you.

You finally made the decision to D. Though I feel sorry that your M is heading for D, you made the right move to have her served at work. She needs to start facing consequences for her selfish actions. I remember another story that a BH had his WW served at work, a hospital. As the sheriff handed her the D papers, he said out loud that she was being served D papers on grounds of adultry. The WW lost it on the spot. Caused a scene crying. Apparently she had just returned from lunch with her AP where their were spotted in his car doing things. Later that day she was brought to the administrative office where she was fired for inappropriate professional behavior during works hours and escorted off property. As the story went on, the BH went through with the D all the way up to the final decree in front of the judge. During this time the WW was trying her darnest to ask for R. The BH hasnt hearing it. It wasnt untilnthe final decree that the WW broke out many notebooks of her journaling her feels, behaviors, goals, that the BH had a change of heart and postponed the final decree. They started to work on their M, and actually are in R to this day.

I pray that your WW gets her head out of her ass and realizes what she is a out to lose. Her family. A loving husband, etc. But you need to protect yourself and your children. You need to ask for as much CS, child support and alimony that is allowed. Please dont let your ego get in the way of what you have earned being in your partnership with your STBXWW. You can always put her alimony away into a fund for your children in the future. Make sure you address future issues about funding cars for the kids, paying for college, after school activities, etc. This all has to be addressed in your D.

Though you have started your path out of infidelity, you have to treat this as a business transaction and get the most out of it that you can for you and your children's weel being.

How did the service of the papers go?

Keep in mind that filing D is not a final act. The process is slow. You can dismiss at any time. Even if you D, you will still be in contact. There is a long-time poster here, a WW, whose husband divorced her then, a few years later, started dating her. They eventually re-married.

Life is a process. In times like these, where she is not contrite and not pressing for an opportunity to R, you have to take steps to get yourself out of infidelity. The worst thing you could do is wait around in limbo wondering if things will get better.

mrnicehockeyguy, you did the right thing.

It's time to take care of you. We're all pulling for you!

Well, at the advice of my attorney, WW will be served D papers in mail. Trying to stay civil and keep her agreeable to my terms.

And, I totally recommend the VAR. That was some of the best money I've ever spent!

Got some great information last night. WW may be okay being side piece. WTF.

100% confirmed D is the right decision right now. A was/is continuing. SMH.

Good thing I've stayed in contact with the OBS.

WW and POSOM think she won't D. Ha. She is. Consequences!

Got some great information last night. WW may be okay being side piece. WTF.

100% confirmed D is the right decision right now. A was/is continuing. SMH.

Sorry man but everyone should take the time and think things through like you did.

A lot of WS's go through the self preservation mode upfront but can't follow through long term. You just saved yourself more pain and lost time.

Nicely handled.

WW and POSOM think she won't D. Ha. She is. Consequences!

Do they think the OBS won't go through with it or that you won't? Either way, they're both looney. Good riddance to bad rubbish. The absolute gall of continuing to cheat once they've been busted is almost shocking... and yet still typical for the cheater mindset. Why bother with subterfuge when they're already caught out? If they want the door, no one's barring their way. Obviously, one or both of them think they can keep their home deal -AND- continue being perfidious dirtbags.

Good call on filing.

Got some great information last night. WW may be okay being side piece. WTF.

She'd prefer to do that than to fight for your marriage. That's deep.

Hey nice,

I went to your original JFO thread wondering why there was any doubt in your mind regarding filing.

Have you seen that movie with the guy who got his hand stuck under a rock in a crevice in Utah? The guy that had to decide after several days what to do – possibly die waiting for help or self-amputate his arm. Neither is what he “wanted”. He didn’t want to die, nor did he want to cut off his arm, but in his situation, those were the realistic options. He had to choose the lesser of two evils, selecting the one that offered the best chance of survival. His goal wasn’t to saw at his arm with a pocket-knife. His GOAL was to survive.

I think you are in a comparable situation. You could hang around in a quasi-marriage with a post-nup outlining who owns what and where the money goes. You simply try to belief she really is at bridge with the girls or doing overtime when you KNOW she’s with OM. Maybe OM ends the affair and maybe your wife comes back to you. Just like that guy could have waited for 24 more hours before passing out…

Or… you take out your trusty pocket-knife and start cutting…

It seems that’s what you have done by filing.

That guy in Utah is Aron Ralston, and I once sat spellbound for over an hour listening to him at a conference. He described vividly the thought-process of deciding to amputate his arm and the thought- and action process of the actual task. It was amazing and life-changing for me. His final line was along the lines of not having lost an arm, but to have gained a life.

I think you could benefit from adopting his mentality: The task has been defined: YOU are divorcing. It’s not what you want but it is getting you to where you need to be. Break it down into jobs and tasks and then chisel away, crossing out each task as it’s done.

Put as much of the dirty work of divorce on your attorneys. Save time and money by gathering financial info, house valuation, vehicle valuation, list of major valuables etc.

Avoid discussing the details with your wife. In fact – avoid arguments. There really isn’t any need for them because if she says she wants your fishing-rods the two of you won’t solve that – your attorneys will. In fact, your stock responses should be:

WW: “I want the house and the cars and the pension and the money and the…”

NICE: “I am sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree with you, so I will have my attorney handle this issue in a legal and proper manner”

And then you get out of the situation. She NEEDS arguments to fuel and justify “why” she had to have the affair and to justify her anger to you. Don’t confront = don’t feed = doubts in your WW head.

OK – so if your wife came to you and asked for a second chance you could reconsider. If she did ask we here on SI could probably give you a list of what was needed, and you could evaluate if you had a fighting chance. To refer back to Aron Ralston’s experience: I’m guessing that if help had come when he was starting the self-amputation he would have put that pocket-knife aside. You can always halt or delay divorce in the unlikely event your wife came back to the marriage. But you can’t let that hope hold you back.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:24 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Weekend update:

I went away Saturday evening out of town and stayed with a friend.

Shockingly, the OBS called and texted me that POSOM left their house from 9pm to 1am.

Just in time for my kids to be in bed and to meet at MY house with MY WW!

OBS drove by my house and saw his car. She is mad at herself for not knocking on door.

I had considered surprising them and coming back to my house unannounced late at night, but am kinda glad I did not. I was trying to stick to the 180 and do what I wanted.

Can't D fast enough.