SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. This is my first post. I am new to this forum, and I don’t know all of the abbreviations yet, so please bear with me.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have a 3 year old son and another one on the way (I unexpectedly became pregnant right after discovering his affair despite years of unsuccessful infertility treatments - go figure)

I found out about my H’s affair when the OW contacted me. She was in love with him and extremely angry that he ended their relationship. She sent me a horrible email (to my work email address) filled with explicit details that I would never want to know.

I can’t get these details out of my head. Any tips from other people going through this?

Since then, I have not wanted to be intimate with my H. Every time, the painful and explicit details flood back into my head and makes the idea of sex too much for me. I am also struggling with pregnancy hormones.

It’s been a few months since I have been intimate with my H and he hasn’t always been patient with me. His love language is physical touch so he is struggling with the lack of intimacy,

My H has expressed great remorse and has said he wants to reconcile with me, but the lack of intimacy is wearing on him. After the A was revealed, he cut off all contact with the OW and blocked her phone number, email, facebook, etc. He hasn’t had any contact with her since August. However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again. I was devastated to hear him say this and I feel like it sent me back in the recovery process, but I am not going to reinstate physical intimacy with him until I am emotionally ready.

Anyone have any tips on this delicate topic? Thanks in advance!

Man, this is a tough one. I'm not sure I have any good advice for you, but will tell you what I did. My W's LL is words of affection. After d-day, I was certainly justified in spending my days using words to rip her apart. The things I thought in my head, if I said them to her, would have ripped her world apart. And she deserved it, she deserved to be torn down with words, to go into the virtual "love language" holding cell and wither away there. And while I did lose my temper from time to time and let forth some things I wish I could take back, in R, I spent most of my time trying to learn to speak her love language in a way that helped her grow closer to me. Tempered with hard conversations that needed to happen about the A, our lives together, the future, etc. So it wasn't all "I love you", but yes, I did say that, a lot, to try to help her feel loved and like we were making the right decision to stay together. It worked in some ways, didn't work in others (she continued to lie until I did more 180 on her, etc).

I read someone in a post say "you have to give love to get it", and, while not said, that means "give love the way the other person receives it". For your H, it sounds like that's sex, as it is for lots of men. Is he giving you love the way you want it? If not, stop reading now and keep doing what you're doing. If so, however, then you have a choice to make because at some point. I get it, I do, the first time I said "I love you" or "Your so special to me" after the A I thought I might vomit. But it got easier as time went on, and then it started to feel natural. And then it started to feel good. Which is how it's supposed to be, making your H/W feel good with their love language is supposed to make you feel good. But I'm not going to sit here and lie and say the first time I said "I love you" again after d-day, what I was really thinking would have made a gangsta rapper blush it had so many expletives in it.

You see a lot of people here talk about the "shit sandwich" that R entails. This is a big, perhaps the biggest bite right here. I'm sorry, I wish I had something else to tell you, but, at some point, you're going to need to take your bite or continue to live in limbo or D. Not that those other options are necessarily bad, people do both all the time, but if that's not what? Then I'm not sure of a way around it.

At some point in R, you do need to reconnect but for him to threaten to start up with OW is out of bounds. Thats not helpful at all. Pressure never leads to more sex, it always leads to less. The research clearly shows this.

He made this situation and now whines thats its difficult. Add to this your condition, yeah hes not being very understanding. Intimacy is a gift not a debt to be paid. Youll be ready when youre ready.

However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again.

That is a horrible thing for a WS to say to a BS. He needs IC. He isn't remorseful. He did set you back. Did you tell him statements like that are not helpful and in fact are extremely hurtful? If he can't control his "urges" and stoops this low he needs to get help or go away.

Get him "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It's a short read, you read it first then give it to him.

He needs to stop focusing on his needs and focus on yours. He may not be able to and you will have to make a big decision.

Exactly what pureheartkit and trustedg said..

It makes me angry your WS’s statement that he’ll start up with OW if he doesn’t get laid soon by you..

You owe him nothing at this point! He owes you, if he wants to stay in the marriage..

How are you doing financially in being able to support yourself and rebuild your life to live as a single parent? Gotta prepare yourself for being able to do this, that will be the best gift you give yourself after an infidelity shitstorm...

Again, your WS doesn’t deserve to have you stay with him after what he’s done to you..Any efforts at all in getting along with him are a gift from you that he has to EARN..

Marriage on your terms and timeline, or not at all..

If it wasn't a threat, your H may deserve a few points for honesty.

What are your goals? For example, do you want to have sex sooner rather than later? Or are you holding back because you want to punish your H?

First, IMO, you can't punish your H and be in R without hurting yourself, too.

If, however, you do want to want sex, I'd suggest IC to help you get there.

The details affect BSes the same way they affect you. You are absolutely normal in that, even without the extra hormones. IMO, a good IC can help you get through your feelings faster than you can do it alone.

Meanwhile, if your H is really willing to d0 the work necessary to R, he'll wait. If he isn't willing to do the work, he won't wait - but it's good to know that earlier rather than later.

You might take a look at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp?

If it makes sense to you, print it out and ask your H to read it. Since you don;t know if he's really committed to R, don't tell him about SI - just tell him you found it on the web.

He’s not in reconciliation with you for him to make a comment about lack of sex. It’s still all about his selfish needs. That said....I would look into EDMR therapy. It helped me tremendously and especially being pregnant you really can’t use antidepressants or other meds.

He needs to be in IC right now sorting himself out.

IMO it takes varying amounts of time to want to have sex with the WS with R in mind..Just because this process can take months or more for a BS, doesn’t necessarily mean the BS has punishment as a goal...

This culture of hurrying thru the grief and anger gets on my nerves.

If the WS is truly remorseful, he or she will exercise ALOT of patience those first couple of years after DDay....

Goodness what a horrible thing to say to you. My poor WH went 6 months without it because I wasn't comfortable and he never complained or threatened in any way. He even slept on the couch. Heck it was 4 months after before I even allowed him to touch me (like hugs and kisses.) I'm also 17 months past d day and still struggle with intimacy. Sometimes I'm OK and others I break down and cry. I couldnt imagine going through this pregnant. It's hard enough without added emotions. My WH is doing everything right and it's still difficult, he's in IC, SA,he's on medication and is being transparent.It sounds like you're WH isn't really remorseful and is being selfish. Reconciliation is a gift that he hasn't earned. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yikes! One reason you might be holding back is that your gut is telling you he's not a good candidate for R or that you really don't want R.

My point is: Figure out what's causing you to hold back. If it's mainly a healthy reason, great - keep holding back. If it's mainly unhealthy, heal and go back to sex.

This is really bothering me:

My H has expressed great remorse and has said he wants to reconcile with me, but the lack of intimacy is wearing on him. After the A was revealed, he cut off all contact with the OW and blocked her phone number, email, facebook, etc. He hasn’t had any contact with her since August. However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again.

A WS attempting reconciliation should NEVER say they are tempted to unblock the AP and contact them again, for any reason. I'd be really questioning how much he wants to be in this relationship if that's his response to your pain dealing with what he did. I'm sorry this is what he said to you because I'm sure it's doing much more damage to you. Also, your hormones might be part of this, too, which is doubly unfair to you.

For me, we had to really ease back into sex. I had a lot of mind movies and couldn't stand being intimate. I am doing a lot of mindfulness and we started out with a lot of cuddling and kissing.

However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again

DEAL BREAKER.

If my H said this to me, he would quickly find all of his shit in hefty bags in the driveway.

This is NOT R. He is still thinking like a wayward and only about HIMSELF and HIS needs.

It took us 6 months from dday before we had sex and a lot of the delay was on my H. We had been distant for so long pre A that it took months of IC and a lot of long late night conversations before we were able to reconnect again.

Sorry. I just don't like your H's "threat" of contacting her, especially when you are pregnant with his child!

This is going to sound harsh, but with all due respect, if he wants sex, tell him to go fuck himself.

I am so sorry this is happening to you now. Please take care of yourself and your little one on the way. Only YOU can decide when you are ready for intimacy.

However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again.

If this is a threat - even a veiled one - run, do not walk to your attorney and don't look back.

I am a wayward spouse, I hope it's okay if I respond.

He hasn’t had any contact with her since August. However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again. I was devastated to hear him say this and I feel like it sent me back in the recovery process, but I am not going to reinstate physical intimacy with him until I am emotionally ready.

I want to echo the other poster's sentiments - he is not remorseful, he doesn't get what he has done to you and your marriage, and he's playing victim to circumstances he created.

With all that said, there is hope. He needs to get in IC. I would recommend he read "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal after an affair" both are listed in the healing library I believe.

We waywards are selfish, we don't want anything to change or be uncomfortable for us. We might feel guilt in the beginning, but remorse can be a journey. This discomfort we experience is needed though, there is potential if he does the work on himself he could possibly grow into a better man. It doesn't happen for all.

You are not under obligation to have sex with him. He will not die. He needs to practice empathy and understanding how things must be from your shoes. These books will start to clue him in, IC can help. He also needs to find the reasons he had the affair. These reasons should not have anything to do with you, they should be internal to him. Typically, we feel entitled for some reason. We tell ourselves a story as to why it's okay for us to cheat. It's usually riddled with bullshit. By learning our whys it should not be meant to excuse the affair...it should be turned into a list that we can use to learn what we need to work on and change.

I suspect if he starts working on himself and leans into being more empathetic with you, you will eventually want to start tipping your toes back into the intimacy. Right now, he wants you to be vulnerable with someone you don't trust during a time in your life when we are even a more vulnerable (pregnancy - emotionally, not as comfortable with our bodies, hormones out of whack, etc)

Time for him to grow up and be the father and husband he should be. I would read about the 180 as well because I think you need to detach from him so that his issues aren't your issues. You need to insulate yourself from his non-sense and take care of you and the baby. If he wants you and this marriage, then he needs to step up and do that, not sit on the sidelines and whine about what he's not getting.

I am not saying any of this isn't hard, but his expectations need to be re-aligned. It takes a very long time for a couple to recover from infidelity and to eventually be able to reconcile. He should be just thankful you didn't throw him out.

I know this sounds harsh from a person who cheated, but I firmly believe what I am saying to you here. When I got here I was clueless, I felt guilty, I really only cared about how I felt. That's not the woman my husband deserved. I work every day to be her...and the woman I deserve. Your husband has to do this and whether or not you are having sex with him is not even in this equation at this point. Yes, at some point you will have to heal and begin working on regaining your intimate life but at this point I don't believe your husband has begun to address the damage caused by this and until he does it's broken.

Ummm... FUCK NO!!!

It took me a year before I was ready to have sex with WW. If she would’ve said that to me at any point, I would have immediately filed for D and been happy to do it! That entitled prick is NOT R material!! He is in no position to demand or guilt you into doing anything sexual. Tell him to FUCK OFF!

Expressing remorse means nothing relative to being remorseful. Showing deep empathy and contrition are indicators of real remorse.

However, he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again.

This is as cruel and as unremorseful as anything any WS has every been quoted as saying. I am sure he would like sex about now. But remorse is, by definition, about what your betrayed spouse needs, not what you need.

You wanted tips. Tell him to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". If he won't, it is another indicator he does not have the remorse necessary to heal you or the M. If he reads it, he will at least be better informed as to the level of trauma he has caused and the actions necessary to successfully reconcile.

Expressing remorse means nothing relative to being remorseful.

Exactly. Actions are what you need, not words.

Also, I heartily second, third, fourth the recommendation of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". If he's not a reader, you can download the audio version on Audible.

((Kt216))

You have been through a terrible ordeal, and your WH is being a manipulative bully. You need to consider carefully what he is doing here. This is no innocent "plea for love."

First, this:

His love language is physical touch so he is struggling with the lack of intimacy,

In the book, Chapman specifically says that wanting more sex does not make physical touch your love language. It just means you are horny, i.e. you have a lot of sexual desire you want gratified.

People who actually speak this love language (I am one of them) want and give lots of hugs and cuddles and other, tender, non-sexual touching. Sex plays a role, but if what he is really wanting is to "feel loved," you should be able to convey your love for him through touch without sex, while you are recovering from this trauma.

It is exceptionally manipulative for a recently wayward spouse to play the "love language" card to try and manipulate their way into getting sex from someone they have so recently sexually betrayed.

I don't think your WH "feels unloved" because you are not having sex with him. I think he is feeling horny. It is not the same. And a lot of WS's have a hard time knowing the difference, because they are overly obsessed with "getting their needs met" in the M, and generally try to justify their infidelity accordingly.

Which leads me to:

he has told me that the lack of sex is wearing on him so much that he has been feeling tempted to unblock her and message her again.

Oh, HELL NO.

The closest my WH came to this was that he once said he was tempted to go back to watching porn (due to lack of marital sex). I responded by telling him that R was not going to be possible if he could not demonstrate to me that he was in full, adult control of his physical urges. His turnaround at that point was rapid and complete.

But it seems your H wants to perversely lay the responsibility for his own faithfulness at the feet of your choices, rather than his own. This is intolerable, and unsustainable. And very, very wayward.

Threatening to cheat on you again if you refuse to put out for him while newly betrayed by him and simultaneously pregnant with his child is pretty much as low as a WS can go, from where I stand.

It makes me want to put on my bitch boots and give him a good tongue lashing on your behalf, so that you don't have to. You should be left in peace to cry your eyes out in a hot bubble bath right now.

Please see this: Your H is actively wayward in his thinking and behavior toward you.

First, he is continuing to prioritize his needs over yours, seeing his own desire for sexual gratification as more important than your need for space and healing.

Second, and more troubling, he is being ruthlessly manipulative in pursuit of getting his own perceived "needs" met.

1) He is using your love for him, to guilt-trip you about witholding sex (twisting the concept of "love language" to make it about sex, not real intimacy) when you have every right and reason to do so, and when it may be harmful for you and the M to engage in sex before you feel ready

2) Lowest of low, he is using the horrible pain and fear he has already inflicted on you as a "soft spot" to push on to get what he wants, threatening to do more harm to you if you do not give in to his demands. This is abuse.

Please do not tolerate this. Do not be a woman who lets her H manipulate and bully and threaten her. Do not take one second of it. Love yourself more than that.

Chiming in not because I have great advice but because I’m in a similar situation. I have only been able to have sex with my WH a few times in the last 6 months (aside from the initial HB in which I got pregnant) because of many things...feeling unsafe around him, him taking away the specialness of our relationship, picturing him with other women, lack of desire overall because of the trauma. Anyway, if my WH complained about the lack of intimacy or mentioned OW I would probably show him the door and tell him to have a nice life with OW. He made this mess and he has to deal with the consequences of what he did. That being said, if you are really committed to R then you will have to find a way to work on intimacy with him but personally I am in no rush, I am only focused on my own healing and my kids.

((((Kt216)))) All of us here have different opinions which is why many say, take what you need and leave the rest.

Your husband is behaving selfishly and cruel, no other way to look at it. To threaten you with going back to his AP if you don't have sex with him is totally abusive. Not only have you had to deal with the devastation of infidelity, you are pregnant with his child. He should be doing everything possible to help you feel safe and appreciated.

Please read in the healing library here. Also, there are books that can make an impact if your husband is willing to not only read them but open his mind. "How to help your Spouse heal from an affair" is excellent and already recommended. "Not just Friends" is another book although it can be a bit painful to read. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know you are going through so many emotions right now, rightfully so. Add a pregnancy and I know it creates even a larger impact on your emotions. I agree with Sisoon, keep SI a safe place for you right now. Also, it is so important to stay hydrated, often we are in shock when we learn about an affair. Lots of water. Nutrition is also important, not only for yourself but the wonderful child you are carrying. It was so hard for me just to eat. I learned small meals or ever one egg or a piece of fruit or one vegetable. If you cannot eat, do food replacement shakes/drinks, anything to get nutrients. I also suggest as have others to read the 180. Some people need a huge wake up call, the fact that your husband would even suggest if you won't have sex he would consider his AP. This is absolute abuse.

You did nothing to cause your husband to cheat. He made that choice because he lacks something huge in himself and will need to figure that out. I encourage you to find a therapist to talk to immediately. You need to search for someone who deals with infidelity. I wish you all the best. I know the pain, it is immeasurable. Take care of yourself. Read on this site and breathe. Another huge hug to you!