SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm still in shock right now. I just found evidence that my wife had a long term affair about 8 years ago, and that our daughter is probably not mine. We have a son who is a freshman in college and our daughter is in grade school. Whether my wife is faithful to me now or not I don't know. Please bear with me.

My wife and I both work, but I'm home today due to a plumbing problem where I work. About two hours ago I was trying to straighten up a room we use for storage just to have something to do. In there among other things, is a small collection of whatnots and little vases in a cabinet that belonged to my wife's great grandmother. I moved the cabinet to clean under it and a few of the vases tipped over but didn't break. A flash drive dropped out of one of them. I put it in a computer. Inside were a lot of emails my wife had copied and saved in a text format. There were also a number of short .wmv type clips of my wife and the husband of a couple we were both friends with. The husband has since died in a car accident and the wife remarried.

The emails were passionate love letters between this guy and my wife. They discussed really explicit things they had done with each other, meeting places they had set up, and so on. My wife told him the baby she was carrying was his, but that she wasn't going to get an abortion. He said basically it was her decision. They never said it outright, but they both talked like they had decided to continue seeing each other, yet stay with their respective families.

The clips were of them together. They weren't explicit, but most were of them dancing or swimming in a pool and so on. Some were shot before she conceived, others while she was pregnant. In one he was kissing her baby bump. Another was shot not long after our daughter was born, and he was holding her in his arms.

I'm shaking so much I can barely type this. I never cheated on my wife. I thought everything was fine. And this guy, he was the kind you'd never suspect in a million years, at least I didn't. I don't know how to even begin to handle this. My wife will be home from work in a couple hours. I don't know what I'm going to say. I'm not the violent type or anything like that, but there's no way I can pretend I don't know.

Breathe.

For a second.

Easier said than done, I know.

Copy everything before it can be destroyed.

Try to be decisive in what you want her to hear and what you want her to do.

Please try not to reveal everything. As there is probably so much more than what you just discovered.

Your DD (darling daughter IS yours) as you have loved her, cared for her and been her father.

Distance may be a good idea for the short term.

Sorry you are here. Try to maintain composure as much as you can (it's hard).

Keep posting. Keep reading. This is not about you but what is broken in HER.

(((hugs)))

As 1faith said...breathe.

You've just been dealt a blow that most people cannot even fathom, but I will tell you this....

I adopted my daughter, and she is MY daughter, even tho biologically she isn't. That doesn't make her any less my daughter because I love her and raised her.

Do not let anything change the way you feel about her.

As for the affair and the hurt and shock you are going they right this moment, I'm so sorry dude, you aren't alone here.

I'm so sorry you are here.

I would be devastated if I found out my daughter wasn't mine.

I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

Remember to take care of yourself throughout this entire time.

Read the pinned posts at the top of this forum. Then take a look in the left hand corner and head to the healing library.

You've just been hit by a nuclear bombshell. There's no way you're able to think straight right now.

You most likely won't be able to sleep for a while. Your anxiety is probably through the roof and you most likely don't want to eat.

Unfortunately, you'll need to do all of those things. I recommend seeing your Dr and letting them know what's going on. I also recommend an STD test. You don't know if this was a one time thing or there were more men.

If you can't eat, try protein shakes. You've got to be the best you can possibly be right now.

Stay away from the alcohol and drink plenty of water.

I'm concerned about you right now. Do you have someone to confide in? I was blessed with a great support system with friends, family and my pastor.

When you do confront, don't give up your sources.

Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of exercise.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:30 PM, February 1st (Thursday)]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I too have only just found out about my wife's affair from years ago. I can't even imagine if there was a child involved.

You have found a safe place to vent ask questions and you will get lots of support and thoughtful advice. This site is the one bright spot in what have been an awful 6 days for me.

Read the stuff in the Healing Library (menu on the upper left of the page). Read through other people's posts. You will be amazed how many common threads there are in our stories and how discussions about other situations can shine a light on your own.

Be strong.

You're right. I need to calm down and figure out what to do. I've made copies of everything on the flash drive. Part of me wants to go searching the house to see what else I could find, but I've seen enough.

And yes, my daughter will always be mine, no matter what. I'm from a broken home, and I never wanted that to happen to her.

I'm so angry with my wife, but I don't mind telling you, I'm afraid I'll break down right in front of her and cry. I don't know if I should confront her tonight or wait or what.

Welcome dumbfounded74. I'm glad that you found us, but I'm certainly not happy about your WW(Wayward Wife, one who cheats) giving you the reason to come find us.

Listen. Just breathe. We're here to help you. There's a lot that I would normally say, but you're in a time crunch so I want to give you the basics first.

First off, read the Tactical Primer, which is pinned to the top of this forum. That's going to give you the quickest idea of what you need to be thinking right now. Put that flash drive in a safe place, and by that I mean a place that your WW cannot find it. If you have another drive, then make a copy of it, and hide both of them in two different places. This is your evidence gold mine so treat it as such.

Normally, the advice is to never give up your sources, however since you HAVE all of the evidence, I would lead with that. Just sit her down, ask her if there's something that she needs to tell you about your youngest child. I'm certain the verbal tap dancing will start then. Ask her if there is something that she needs to tell you about the OM (Other Man). If/when she starts to lie to you again, drop the hammer. Tell her that you found the flash drive, you read it, and it and copies of it are in a safe place. And then just sit back and see where she goes.

1. Do not give up this website to her. This is your safe place. Make sure that she can't find your here.

2. Accept no blame whatsoever for her affair. No matter what she says about the marriage, true or not, infidelity is not the answer. Discussing the problems, marriage counseling, separation, or even divorce are adult choices. Infidelity is not. The affair is 100% on her.

3. If she starts to try to sidetrack you, tell her that you can talk about X later, but right now you're discussing her infidelity.

4. Make damned sure that you do not threaten her. You do not want the police called out there and her telling them that you have threatened her, frightened her, hit her, etc. Domestic Violence allegations that are lies told by waywards are not uncommon.

And last, you do not have to make one decision right now, about if you're staying or going. You can wait until you are ready to make that decision. And if anyone leaves the house, it should be her.

When you have the time, also read The Healing Library. You can find that link in the yellow box at the top left of your screen. Loads of good information there, but make sure you read the Tactical Primer before your WW gets home.

Get to reading, and let us know how it went later on. We're all here for you.

Copy the drive to various systems. You don’t want to lose the evidence. You may need it for reasons yet unforeseeable. This is very important.

IMO you already have more than enough evidence for a confrontation. I would suggest printing out a few of the most incriminating photos/emails, including the ones about your daughters not being "yours". Show them to her and ask her to explain all of this. She'll be caught off guard and won't have any time to prepare any lies.

The only thing I might recommend before confrontation is speaking to an attorney first to understand your rights, and the laws in your local area regarding separation and custody.

Be as calm as you can be. Try not to let her see your pain. Read up on the 180 and start trying to detach.

If you break down so be it, just dust yourself off and try again. This is pure hell as you are realizing. We've got your back.

What a horrible thing for your wife to do to you - I'm so sorry you have to live through this shit.

Your daughter will always be your daughter and reading your words I can tell nothing will change how you feel about her. But knowing what your wife did, her betrayal, lying, and cuckolding you like this might make it impossible for you to live with her. It's too soon to make any decisions right now but I will urge you to get a room for a couple days and limit communication with your wife until your head begins to clear. Right now you are in no emotional condition to deal with her and you are very vulnerable for her inevitable gas-lighting, minimizing, blame-shifting, and outright lying that will only further confuse you. Putting some physical distance between you will scare the hell out of her and give your mind a little break while you deal with the initial shock. Good luck.

CALL A LAWYER ASAP!!!!

Make her leave for a few days while you figure out what you want to do.

If you can stand waiting, you could also talk to a lawyer first to see if it lawful in your state to record conversations. If so, a voice activated recorder may help you replay her candor when confronted and protect you from false domestic violence charges if things get heated.

Damn. Sorry dumbfounded.

Breath.

Diet and exercise.

Drink lots of water.

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate the support and the access to the great info here. At this time, I need it more than anything. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'll let you know. Again, your responses have really helped ground and support me.

She's going to know when she walks through that door tonight that something isn't right.

Your body language and response to her will tell her everything.

There's just no way to hold all that hurt in.

You break down in front of her it's ok.

Sorry to say you will never look at your wife the same again, not ever.

Keep in mind that little girl could still be your biological daughter, your wife could of been using being pregnant against the other guy to keep him in the picture.

Hi dumbfounded74, sending you strength brother, I and others know that unreal feeling of discovery. I literally couldn't sit still after I knew. My WW too was at work and I had idle time for a million things to run around in my head. Stay away from alcohol, I should have, it doesn't help. You may need some space to process this. Don't make any rash decisions anytime soon, the visceral emissions stay for months. I'm really sorry your WW has done this to you. We are hear to listen and provide support.

First, stay in control.

Have var in place.

Lay out the facts, firmly

Let her get emotional, and the details should flow.

Contact atty. to get guidance.

Keep a dna sample of your daughter in a safe place.

I know it's difficult but you must remain calm.

I'm so sorry for your pain dumbfounded! Like others have said... Your daughter is yours no matter what but your WW could have been lying to her ACC and your daughter is yours biologically. Sending strength your way!

Unfortunately right now you have a wife who is a lying sack of poo who has used and abused you terribly. She is not worthy of you as she is now. This was not just a mistake she made.

But it is possible that she could change and become a person worth reconciling with. It will not be easy no matter what path you take.

But that is your daughter. DNA be damned.