SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone can. I have some questions lingering.

1. Does it matter who you/your WS cheated on you with. Is it easier if its a nameless faceless person or does that make it harder.

EX: cheats with a co worker you have never met

OR

Cheats with the woman who lives in your town and see on occasion at the grocery store

2. Do you believe that if a spouse has an A and then the other spouse has a RA that the original A is worse?

[This message edited by TiredSoul2017 at 2:59 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

1. Doesn't matter. Anyone is awful.

2. No. I think the RA is almost worse.

1. The pain of the affair does not care who it is with. But the pain is more intense if it is someone that you knew and trusted. The OM was a friend on hard times that I allowed to move into our home. So for me I allowed the OM to move into our house. The affair began a few months later. He lived with us for almost a year. I even helped this guy get a job. I found out about the affair about a week after he moved. So when, for me, because it was someone who was a friend, and who I trusted, I think that made my pain worse than if it were a stranger.

2. No. I think the RA is worse. The person that commits the RA knows the pain it will cause and is doing it out of anger and spite. I would be even worse if that WS has worked to be a safe partner and is doing the work to improve themselves. Now if they are not, and is unremorseful, uncaring, then unrepentant, then the RA, though still bad, would be equal to the original affair. Does that sound crazy?

Do you believe that if a spouse has an A and then the other spouse has a RA that the original A is worse?

1. I'm not sure, I think both situations are hard in their own way. My WH's OW was my 'friend' so I know exactly what she looks like, what her voice is like, I even know what her feet look like....I think it would also be hard to have no clue what the OW was like though. Both are hard to deal with. (Though I will say that having an affair with someone we knew has affected lots of relationships that a stranger wouldn't have - it's impacted friendship groups, and my children's situations at school because everyone was so close).

2. Actually I do. Not worse exactly, and I can see why a RA is wrong, BUT in the traumatised days following DDay I don't think a BS can be expected to behave rationally. A lot of normally sane people contemplate suicide at that point. A lot destroy things / objects, and a lot take physical revenge on the AP. So to that extent I think it is more understandable to be honest.

a RA is just another justified action of the usual wayward.

1 - I would imagine they are both awful. My experience involved someone I let into my home and trusted with my family. And that double betrayal feels like it would be worse, but I suspect it’s equally painful if it would have been someone I had to imagine because I didn’t know her. For me, the struggle now is processing the betrayal I also feel from the OW, knowing that NC is the best way to go.

It is not what you asked, but the most painful part of the entire thing was that it continued after I found out, until I caught them a second time. The knowledge that my WH could SEE the damage and pain he inflicted, and continue it, is a pain I sometimes worry I won’t be able to work through.

2 - yes and no. I think my brain didn’t work “right” for awhile, so I can see that resulting in the original A being worse. That being said, after experiencing the worst pain of my life, even in my anger, I cannot wrap my head around knowingly inflicting that on another person, regardless of what they did to me. But that’s just me. I can understand why an RA happens.

1. For me, my STBXWW cheated with a local chef. He took her to restaurants and got special service and things like that which I was unable to provide. It really hurt to know that he was able to give something that I couldn't.

As time has passed, it doesn't bother me. I am a better person than he is.

2. To me, the original affair is a relationship ending event. Calling it a revenge affair just never really fit with me.

1. Both are pretty bad. I guess I'm glad I never have to see my wife's AP... He lives on the other side of town.

2. Both are bad. But the argument that the RA is worse because you know the pain it will cause... my wife knew the pain her affair was going to cause if it came out (and it almost always comes out). She even says one reason she didn't end it is because she didn't know how to get out without me finding out and she was afraid I would leave.

A revenge affair is sex. My wife's affair was love. Three year long love affair.

So I put it back out there... which is worse? An EA, PA, EA&PA?

I'd take her having a one night stand over a three year EA/PA any day of the week.

BS here (just for context).

2. Do you believe that if a spouse has an A and then the other spouse has a RA that the original A is worse?

I think you'll find that whether one kind of affair is "better" or "worse" than another is highly dependent upon the opinions and views of the individual BS.

I've never been a WS or MH, so it's difficult to say how I would feel as the victim of an RA. However I suspect my hurt would be mitigated somewhat by my own guilt. I'm sure there are others who would feel differently.

In my case the who is a huge problem. It was incest.

A revenge A is still an A.

1. I don't know. I didn't know her but he opened so much of our life together up to her (holidays, kids, in-laws) it felt like she was apart of his life like I was.

2. I don't think an RA is worse. Its bullshit to say the original WS didn't mean to hurt their BS, didn't mean to caught, still loved their spouse, etc. They knew the destruction they would cause, pain they would unless. Same with the BS who has a RA. They both kniw its wrong...they do it anyway.

I think the pain is different. For a BS, whoever it is hurts so I don't see there is a reason to compare. I will give you 2 examples from my own life, sadly.

1. ONS- how gross it was just a stranger. What were they like? I will never know. It could be anyone. Any eye color, any hair color. I will never know unless I choose to ask which hurts. Did he even care it was it just for ego and he would have done anyone. How low are his standards anyway? I have no face so she is faceless and could look like any woman I see. There is pain to that. What does my H like anyway?

2. AP thst shook my hand and talked to my baby girl! I know exactly what she looks like and I hate it. Her hair is different then mine and her eye color and her body shapeEverything about her feels different snd she was pretty. She was fake. Her face haunts me. There is a chance I could see her again and I would freak out. Knowing they I could see her again haunts me. She was nothing like me so that hurts because what does my H want? Apparently her.

All I know is that I didn't matter at all when he made his choices. I was not a factor. I felt completely rejected. I have compared myself to both, which is pretty much everyone. They are both hard for different reasons. . I won't rank it because it doesn't matter honestly. He cheated and it broke my heart.

What matters is the BS specific pain and their particular feelings and triggers. Do not minimize it or compare it.

Who cares of an RA or A is worse? Not me. They are both very wrong. The only thing I will say is that an RA is sometimes done from a place of dealing poorly with a crappy situation they were put in first. It only makes the whole situation worse that the other spouse put iinto motion. I don't agree with either of them! Each person is responsible for their own integrity.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 3:35 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

1. Does it matter who you/your WS cheated on you with. Is it easier if its a nameless faceless person or does that make it harder.

I believe it is more difficult when you know the person and the person also knows you and knows you were married, etc. It is especially egregious when the OP is a personal friend of the BS.

2. Do you believe that if a spouse has an A and then the other spouse has a RA that the original A is worse?

I believe the RA is worse, as an RA is, by definition, DELIBERATELY hurtful. That is not to say that the original affair wasn't hurtful (it was and is), but so many times the original WS compartmentalizes out the marriage and the spouse so as not to come to grips with what it really all means to be conducting themselves in that way. Someone engaging in an RA knows how hurtful an affair is and chooses that course of action anyway.

I understand the pain and eagerness to let the other person "see what an affair feels like," but really, an RA is not going to have the same impact that the original A had on the original BS.

Cat

1. I don't know if a nameless, faceless AP would've been better. My wife's AP was a man that tried to befriend me all the time. I just never trusted him. We even helped them out financially. We hung out with his family. Makes me sick to think about.

2. Is an RA worse? I don't know. I was never inclined to go that route. I don't understand how it could be worse if your expecting it. It takes a callous person to do it in the first place.

1. Doesn't matter. I have been the victim of EAs and PAs ... the EAs hurt more for me. One I personally knew the person, the other is a faceless COW I knew of. I wish both to find THE one for both of them, build a fantastic life and family together, sacrifice everything for their spouse's happiness and wellbeing, be the perfect wife/mother/friend, and then have their spouse do to them EXACTLY what they encouraged my WH to do to me. So to me, the person does not matter ... unless it was a best friend ... that is a body that would never be found.

2. A RA is worse because you know the pain and damage an A costs and you did it anyway with premeditation to create that betrayal.

My now XWW’s AP was an ugly, dull, short, divorced man with no future and a raging OxyContin addiction. I’m tall, fit, domestically skilled and a successful technology executive.

It actually did make a difference that her AP was such a loser. That, and other evidence helped paint a stark picture that she had just totally lost it and it had nothing to do with my deficiencies.

We tried to work it out, but she couldn’t get her shit together and now blames all her behaviors on me. She is the victim.

So sad.

For me I would not want to see the AP, so I’d rather it be someone I don’t normally see or even once in a while. I have enough triggers without seeing the AP. Plus, although I blame the AP also, I blame my WH more.

A sin is a sin. I think both As are bad choices but if a spouse had an RA and I was the judge I’m the matter, I’d be way more lenient on that spouse that and an RA. The BS has not only had to hold the commitment in marriage and work through any bored /mad/unfulfilled feelings that come from being in any marriage, but now they also have the WS affair making them feel rejected and devastated...I.e. a pressure cooker. I’d judge them less harshly for letting off that steam.

How can one say any part of an affair isn't deliberate? Or that any adult who purposely lies and hides from their partner isn't trying to hurt them? Each lie is premiditation...purposely keeping the truth away.

Comparmentalizing....is lying. Just to yourself.

Affair=they dont care, I deserve this because they arent meeting my needs

RA=they didn't care about me. I deserve this Becuase they got to do it.

And if we do with that WS are broken...an affair certainly breaks a BS.

I simply do not understand attributing pain/worse pain in affairs. At each step we are responsible for our own actions, thoughts, choices. Labeling them attempts to mitigate\assign more or less blame to lessen guilt. Screwing around in your marriage regardless of who did it first is not okay. Any reason you give yourself to do is BS...no matter who does it first.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 4:05 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

1) yes, The Who matters...but only to a degree. Anyone is very painful, but some choices could make it cut deeper.

2) I case of RA, original A is worse. An RA will never hurt the original cheater as much as the original A. I feel the original cheater deserves any pain, sadness, suffering etc they experience from an RA. I view it as a way for the BS to try to transfer their pain and suffering into the person who created the shitstorm in the first place.

1. Does it matter who you/your WS cheated on you with. Is it easier if its a nameless faceless person or does that make it harder?

I think the pain and destruction of the A isn't dependent on who it was with. However, for those BS's who face a wayward continuing to work with or have to be in social setting around the AP face a special kind of hell.

2. Do you believe that if a spouse has an A and then the other spouse has a RA that the original A is worse?

Speaking for myself I can't answer very generally. But in particular, I have had much contempt for a BS, particularly those who had been around the block on SI working through the trauma, who then turn around and cheat. You have this amazing resource for healing, change and growth. And you know what limerence is and means. Yet you still jump on that bandwagon and start spouting out of the WH handbook etc..

[This message edited by redrock at 5:41 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]