SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post here, my story I have been married for 23 years and we have been together for over 25 years. Three children 2 in college and 1 at home. My wife is my best friend and we have a good relationship overall. About five years ago my wife had an emotional affair with a married man. They flirted via Facebook and words with friends. I found out and confronted her and it stopped. Several months later we were at a party and I caught my wife making out with this mans wife in a hot tub, the OM was present . Initially I was stunned when I saw this. I confronted them and made her leave. She swore that this only happened because she was extremely drunk from drinking too much and the hot tub. I was felt that she cheated the night not only with the OW but the OM. My wife swore that you do not cheat with the OM, but my gut said she did. We rug swept this and never talked about it again. Fast forward to this past weekend I went to a party and the OM and his wife were there, well my wife and I were dancing OM came onto the dance floor and my wife left me to dance with him. I was stunned and brought everything back that I had forgotten. As she was dancing with the other man I simply walked away from her until she realized that I was gone and she came back with some lame excuse and told me I was being childish . Later that night a mutual friend of mine advise me in a very drunken state that my wife in this OM have been having an affair off and on for several years and that it was common knowledge, that I should watch my wife what she keeps disappearing at the party. I was a little stunned by his comments. I pray that this is not true, but I guess I need to know the truth so I can put this behind me once and for all. If I find she was cheating with this OM , I am done. I guess I am here to get your collective wisdom what I should be doing. I'm either just really paranoid, crazy or very naïve.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 10:19 AM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

You are not paranoid or crazy and this is not just a gut feeling. You have seen it with your own eyes. If she is still seeing him secretly you can find out, you just have to catch them. Can you get access to her phone? Are you both working during the day?

Later that night a mutual friend of mine advise me in a very drunken state that my wife in this OM have been having an affair off and on for several years and that it was common knowledge,

This I would take heed of, even it was from a perfect stranger. This is not casual conversation.

Can we infer that she has been seeing them as a couple?

OMG I can't believe that I am here again. My wife is a SAHM , even though our children are grown. I don't know where to begin , we have a great life I'm a high-level executive and make a very good living. I spoil the hell out of my wife this weekend she's going to Napa with several girlfriends for a girls weekend. I do not know if this relationship with OM was a PA or is still ongoing . I do check her phone from time to time and I have found nothing. I am trying to figure this out before I confront her. She knows something is up and she's been using sex to get me back to being close with her.

All I can say is, I am sorry. It really sucks that you have to deal with that crap. My WW was a SAHM for the most part, and had lots of time on her hands to start and conceal her affair. How dare they do that when you work your ass off to provide?

Do not ignore your gut. Married that long, your senses are telling you there's something to be concerned about and they're very attuned by now.

If it has been going on that long, or at all, you'll be able to figure it out. Evidence will be somewhere. Just bide your time, be patient, and see what you can uncover. And do not confront her unless you have more to go on. The fact that she has already betrayed once with the emotional affair makes everything else a glaring red flag.

Your gut...always follow your gut. The person flat out told you. You have to believe that information to be true.

First, I am sorry you are here. None of us expect it or deserve it. Be sure to do all you can to take care of yourself during this time.

What about apps on her phone? There are many ways a person can hide messages. My WH used Wickr. It was buried deep in his Lifestyles part of his phone. I never would have looked. There is always Dr. Phone if you are able to gain access to her phone while she is sleeping. If you are unsure of all the ways, simply Google "cheating apps."

I will be praying for your strength and healing.

Moralhighground -You are not paranoid or crazy and this is not just a gut feeling. You have seen it with your own eyes. I did but I want to find hard proof that this is on going not just MW being foolish.

WHO is going on the Napa trip with her? Is one of them the wife of the man that informed you of the affair? Have you asked him sober what he was talking about at the party? If not why not? Have YOU verified that the "girls" are really going?

Do you think that the women who are going to Napa with her will cover for her? If not why not? Are any of them your friends? Could the Other Man also be going to Napa at the same time. If you read on Just Found Out you will see that a LOT of "Girls only" activities were really a cover for the cheating.

There are tiny Voice Activated Recorders (VAR'S) that look like a usb stick that you could put in her purse. I would recommend using one. The reason being that women talk and if this affair is "common knowledge" then it is probably talked about with her friends.

I sincerely hope that you are wrong about the affair BUT with somebody coming up to you drunk and telling you about it is a VERY BAD sign!!!

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply I appreciate it. I am trying to multi task with work and type on my iPhone. I always tell myself that this can't be right she is my wife and best friend and would never hurt me or our family. Still trying to figure out how to quote. Going Crazy Now yes SAHM even though she's a college graduate. My income is more than enough to support all of us. I guess the red flags are there she stays home all day and the house is always a mess no food in the pantry refrigerator. But I must be absolutely sure before I take any action. I'm not the type of man who will tolerate being someone's Plan B again.

Take action before this trip. You will have facts. And...again? I'm so sorry if this is your second go-round.

Candy man she is going to Napa with the wife of the man who told me about the affair. She's also going with the wife of the other man. This is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I am going to lay back and collect evidence I want to purchase the voice activated recorder and possibly a private investigator to determine if this inappropriate relationship Is still ongoing. One thing that I need to mention is that my wife always makes me out to be paranoid or just crazy and regards to her in this other man. I do not know If this is just standard procedure for cheater

Yes!!

Standard procedure for a cheater.. It is called gas lighting , they try to make you think what you see and feel is all in your head.. Very common practice for a Wayward.

CDB

Time to take that gut feeling to another level, get several VARs and put them in the house and cars.

Also I would hire a PI if you have the means that you say you do.

Once you have proof, consult with a few lawyers to learn your rights.

she is going to Napa with the wife of the man who told me about the affair. 

So why don't you get in touch with this guy and get more details from him? Surely, he isn't the only person who is in the know and/or actually seen your WW with the OM. Find how and who else knows, and if there is a pattern to your WW's behavior that he observed (for example, like noticing your WW sharing coffee and a kiss every Monday morning at Starbucks) so that you can hire a PI to follow her closely and collect that hard evidence that you need.

Right now you will have to pretend that everything is status quo so she can feel comfortable enough to slip back into the wayward habits again. Then get a PI to start monitoring.

You should investigate. I'm pretty sure this friend is correct. Sorry about that but it's best you know.

Can you afford PI (Private Investigator)?

Those two "Ladies" are the WORST two she could have picked!!! The guy who told you your wife was cheating was because HIS WIFE TOLD HIM!!!! The OP's wife might even be in on it!!! Please VAR and PI if you can afford it. Is the guy who told you going? If not pin him down and get him drinking and TALK to him. Interrogate him. The get the report from the PI and listen to the var. There is your proof!

NEVER reveal your sources. NEVER.

Hire a P.I., and get VAR's for the car and places in the house she is likely to feel safe talking on the phone. If she finds them... well, you don't even know what they are.

There are P.I.'s in Napa too, BTW. Can you go on a little vacation too? She doesn't have to know, now does she?

I always tell myself that this can't be right she is my wife and best friend and would never hurt me or our family.

Sorry, buddy, but she already has... at least twice.

This Napa trip has me going crazy, yes the worst two women that she could go with. I will get the VARs and probably a PI. I would not be surprised that the two women know something more. They are my wife's friends not mine. The guy who told me of the affair invited me and my son over to his house this Saturday while the wives are away.