Underserving posted 10/26/2020 10:35 AM

Curious others thoughts. Though, this group might be a bit biased.

So this guy I dated very briefly in high school and I have always been friends on social media. He’d occasionally like some things of mine every once in a while, but nothing crazy. The other night I had 10 notifications of him liking my pictures on Instagram. Some of them from several months ago. He is newly married with a new baby. I felt kinda weird about it and told my WH. He said it was inappropriate and asked me to delete him off my Instagram. Hypocritical given his own actions, but since we are attempting R, I conceded.

I’m curious others thoughts on whether they think that’s inappropriate behavior or not? Where is the line on social media, do you think?

landclark posted 10/26/2020 10:46 AM

I don’t see that as inappropriate. I don’t login into Instagram often so I’ll go on different pages and catch up on likes, so may like 10 photos in one sitting. Or I’ll randomly remember oh I’m friends with so and so, and go get caught up on their posts. The simple act of liking an innocent photo isn’t cause for concern, IMO. Your WH may be insecure and projecting a bit.

TheLostOne2020 posted 10/26/2020 10:46 AM

What pictures was he liking?

On the face of it I'm not seeing anything inappropriate. Am I missing something?

landclark posted 10/26/2020 10:48 AM

The line for me is hiding interactions. Reaching out to strangers for no reason. Using it for hookups or to get attention. Sexual or inappropriate conversations. Stuff like that. You know, the what should be obvious lines to most.

KonaGal posted 10/26/2020 10:53 AM

My charitable read of the situation is guy just had a baby and is now glued to the couch more often and at weird hours and is probably on social media more trying to keep his brain from melting during the newborn days.

There’s nothing wrong with following your gut that you found it weird, though. OTOH, I have a lot of feelings about WS making certain demands of their BS (obviously WS can still have boundaries and expectations). I just worry about ones that cut social circles smaller in the adultery-as-abuse sense.

Underserving posted 10/26/2020 11:01 AM

I felt kind of weird because it was pictures of only me, and going several months back. Not to the point of wanting to delete him, but did kind of make me think “why are you doing this?” Experiencing infidelity has made me a bit more skeptical of people’s intentions. A man staring at me at a grocery store never used to bother me. Now I’m like, “you’re probably married ya jackass” and give him the stink eye. Is my bitter showing?

He didn’t make me delete him. Just asked if I would. The guy isn’t someone I’m close to, so it wasn’t much of a loss.

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 11:07 AM

Perhaps I'm projecting - but that's how my WH LTA started - an old highschool pal - the object of his unrequited love in his youth - friended and started liking all the old photos. Of course LTAP blocked me from the getgo so I had no idea she existed.

BUT - while it may not indicate anything - it also means he was going through all your old stuff.

Anyone liking/commenting on my old stuff in rapid succession gives me pause. And I tell WH and either unfriend or block. Because honestly - I'd never do that to anyone. And when it happens to me it kind of creepy. And had I known someone was doing it to WH that would be a huge red flag.

I wonder outloud how his wife would feel knowing [having just had a baby] her H was spending his spare time going through Instagran and liking lots of his old high school girlfriend's photos.

Tanner posted 10/26/2020 12:28 PM

My initial thought was he was fishing on your page. My WW EA’s all started on IG so I am already biased and question every ones intentions.

dancin-gal posted 10/26/2020 12:45 PM

I have fun on Instagram..posting pictures of my puppies.. I will get requests from unknown men wanting to follow me .. then I also get the Hi Beautiful!! Message from men .. I delete all those messages and requests..
I agree that if your acquaintance only liked the pictures of you and not other recent ones that may have a picture of your husband or friend in it then it would bother me .. but if he liked all your pictures .. it would mean to me .. he saw the pictures .. end of story ..

Bor9455 posted 10/26/2020 12:53 PM

In the book "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late (A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together)" he has a whole section of the book devoted to Facebook and social media in general. He talked about how he owes the Zuckerberg's of the world a debt of gratitude for keeping him in constant business.

I read that book last year a few weeks after I had gone through and nuked my Facebook account. I had nuked my Instagram account a few months prior to that because it wasn't anything good. These social media platforms are good for fishing, like some have pointed out.

Facebook was great when I was a student and it had first come out in 2004. At my university, I was a student tutor for the student athletes. They would get my information as a tutor from their contacts inside the athletic department, and they would call or email me, "hey Bor, I'm in MATH101 and I need help with XYZ, can we meet Tuesday at 7:00 PM?". That was all fine and dandy, but the student center where I attended school is the entire West Side complex of football stadium (think 100,000 seat stadium). I would be getting requests from people in all sports, volleyball, basketball, rifle, bowling, track&field, football, etc. On a campus of 40,000+ students, having a face to associate with the name was the only way I would've found these students the first time.

A few years later, Facebook went to the ads and the corporate structure it has now and it has been a mess ever since. Instagram, I've found was much worse, just a meat market. It was like Facebook but without the pretext, it was all just skimpily clad folks showing off their "lives". I once checked in at my local LA Fitness and soon discovered that the women who attend my gym thought of Instagram as auditions for amateur porn (no really, two of the women have been in adult films).

I advocate that social media be ditched if at all possible. The only thing that I kept was Twitter because of the breaking news for things I follow like the NBA and NFL. If anyone knows what a Woj bomb is, that shows you are a true NBA Junkie. Twitter can be just as bad as the other platforms, but I suppose it has some limitations that make me feel more comfortable with using it as opposed to theo thers.

This0is0Fine posted 10/26/2020 13:04 PM

Social media is generally an unhealthy habit. I recommend you get off IG/FB/etc. completely.

JBWD posted 10/26/2020 13:16 PM

If a WS perspective is OK-

OTOH, I have a lot of feelings about WS making certain demands of their BS (obviously WS can still have boundaries and expectations). I just worry about ones that cut social circles smaller in the adultery-as-abuse sense.

Agreed. In the wake of a RA, one of my STBXBW’s potential suitors continued to reach out even after she told him we were attempting R. When I saw a continuing string of texts (he was blowing her up during an attempted NYE date night) I blew up. I could have clearly articulated that I thought he was fishing and I would appreciate her consideration, instead I blustered and sputtered until she blocked him.

Regarding the timing of a new baby, I can just as equally imagine an ill-prepared father casting a wider net for female attention since he’s receiving less (to be expected) from the newly busy mother.

CaptainRogers posted 10/26/2020 13:35 PM

While I don't do IG, there are social media outlets where I have accounts. Forgive me if I am unfamiliar with the algorithms on IG.

I have seen my own Facebook posts/pictures from days/weeks/months back that end up getting responses of some sort. Generally, it is from the same person and in a fairly rapid succession. When I have looked at my own timeliness, I see posts from specific folks that also go days/weeks back. My guess is that there are two things at work here;

A. A father of a newborn having time (and perhaps a sleeping baby) on his hands, so he is mindlessly going through his social media.

2. By "liking" a post/image, it is likely that more (and further back historically) have shown up on his timeliness.

Unless he is commenting, I wouldn't pay attention to the thumbs up being given.

Not remembering your backstory fully, but seeing that you are coming up on a year with SI, I would take this crack at your WH's request: he is feeling the strain. He is dealing with the hurt he caused with his betrayal, he sees the reality of his unworthiness, and is forecasting a future where you have connected with an old friend and end up leaving him. In short...he is anxious and worried. And he should be.

Not because you have done anything wrong, but because he has. He likely doesn't understand that you, as the faithful spouse, aren't going out looking for someone else, ESPECIALLY an old friend with a newborn. He doesn't understand that because he can only understand from his own past. His desires for validation took him outside of the vows he made. So, because that is his framework, he worries and he is anxious.

My wife deals with the same sort of thing. While she has numerous sources of her anxiety, a portion of it comes from her "worry" that she isn't "good enough" and that I have reserved the right to change my mind about the relationship whenever I see fit.

I don't hold that "decision" over her head like a sword waiting to strike, but she apparently allows it to weigh on her every day. Sometimes the weight is greater, sometimes it is less. But that's the lens she chooses to see through (Cap might decide that today he's had enough) because that was the lens she decided to see life through when she jumped into her A.

Just my 4 cents (because that was way too long for 2 cents).

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 1:36 PM, October 26th (Monday)]