Ok so I have been lurking around this website ever since my life was turned upside down in April. As we have all been there, desperately googling ways on how to move forward and cope with infidelity.
First off, I will tell you that I’m not married to my partner yet. We were planning on that for next year or so. We have been together for years now (lived together for quite a while)- considering the reconciliation months as well. I’m only just 6 months from DDAY.
My story goes like this....
In April this year I found out that the love of my life has been having a sexual affair with one of his co workers. No emotions involved as I got all the things I need to see to clarify this. It was basically that the AP is pretty much a sex addict who started off by asking him for help with applying for external jobs, then started crying to him about her personal life, then slowly it escalated into something else. She is about 12 years older than my partner and is very skilled at what she was doing(manipulation).
Basically, it started off with a kiss- where she asked him for just one kiss saying that it’s only one kiss and no one will ever find out etc and then one thing led to another and next minute they were at her house (she lives close to his work place). She always knew that he had a partner and she kept assuring him saying “don’t worry no one will ever find out” and “you have to experience other women” (I’m the only woman that my partner has been with and obviously he has told her this.
I got all the details confirmed- including all visits (with proof) etc. In this whole story, there was no actual sex involved (it was mainly sexting, kissing and other physical stuff but no intercourse or oral sex etc). You will wonder how come right? It’s because she declared that she doesn’t use condoms and this scared him off to never physically sleep with her although a few other things did happen. Overall, she always dictated what she wants done to her etc etc... I saw these very evident in the text messages. Anyway, so basically all of this started at end of Feb and it pretty much all ended by the time I found out in mid April. So the whole thing didn’t last for longer than 2 months. But it was long enough to destroy my world and our relationship.
Now, after I found out... my partner basically was gaslighting me and told me I’m over reacting and pretty much did everything in his power to hide the truth from me. But he did forget that he is dealing with someone who is bloody good at researching and finding things out. For almost a good 2.5-3 months after DDAY- it was lots of lies, trickle truth, gaslighting, half truths, omitting the truth and basically creating a whole new past in his head! Everything that I found out, well 95% was through my own work and recovering texts/emails etc. And ofcourse, I did a few more things to ensure I had the whole story. Finally, once he realised that he has no way out from the truth, that’s when he finally confessed to all the details. All I can say is it took literally all my energy to find out most of the story and nothing at all came easy!
So today I can confidently say that I have at least 98% of the actual story. Since around July, I decided to try R. I was in limbo since April but slowly decided maybe I can give it a chance. He has good days (with being supportive), and then he has his days where he is full of his own shame and guilt. At first during R, he wasn’t very understanding as to WHY I need to talk to him about it. It was always “let’s move past this” “why do we have to talk about her” why this and why that... anything to really tell me that I should let it go and get over it. But over these months, I told him what I want from him if I was to consider being with him again permanently. When he realised that he could really lose me, then he started to put in a little more hard work. He still has days where he is just so stuck in his shame and really doesn’t want to face what he has done, but it’s better than it used to be.
The above pretty much sums up what happened... And now.. I’m stuck. I’m stuck because I don’t know if I can ever get past this pain? Some days I’m fine, then the other days I’m just lost... stuck in my head. I’m better than I was a few months ago, but yet I still don’t have an appetite for food. I’m usually soooo full of life, I’m known as a bubbly happy person and I really miss that person. I’m broken, broken from every side... I have done more than I could do for him, I have given my all and more and have always always been completely faithful and genuine.
I don’t understand why people do this? He has a history of lying, but he isn’t the smartest when it comes to hiding things as he isn’t tech savvy and he always forgets that I’m bloody good at it. A few times in the past there have been issues with online dating sites (but sexting and online only- no catching up etc), and excessive porn usage etc. So yes, there has been a history but nothing to the extent of what happened this year. I was willing to forgive the past mistakes and give him an opportunity to change. To be honest, he is a good guy. He is very loving, caring etc. But honesty is definitely not his strong point and it’s something that I just NEED. He has had a difficult childhood and me being an empath I always wanted to see him do well in life and so I did literally everything I can to see him succeed even in his career. I have stood by him, supported him every single day. I’m not saying I’m perfect, because I’m definitely not!! I get angry and he is more calm etc, but did I really deserve this pain? I really don’t think so.
I love him, I really do... but I’m so broken... I don’t know how to come out of this... I’m a very ambitious person and now I just feel lost... like someone broke my soul and I can’t find it anymore... I’m in Med School (mature aged student chasing her dreams) and I had to take this year off due to all of this... I don’t know what I want to do anymore...
I’m new here, so please be kind and respectful. Life is already hard, so I would really appreciate some kind advice.
[This message edited by Brokenbutterfly8 at 2:22 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]