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Former Waywards not in Reconciliation

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SI Staff posted 10/21/2020 11:37 AM

A thread for former Waywards who are working on themselves after divorce or breakup. Betrayed spouses are not allowed to post. The On Topic guideline covers this topic.

Darkness Falls posted 10/21/2020 11:47 AM

Thank you SI Staff for this thread. Itís been hard for me to get a feel for where I most belong since right after D-day 10.5 years ago.

foreverlabeled posted 10/21/2020 11:51 AM

I'm excited to see where this thread goes!

I feel we have a lot to offer each other as we continue to grow, even if we aren't in R, as our journey doesn't start or end on that alone.

foreverlabeled posted 10/21/2020 14:24 PM

So I don't really know how we will be using this thread or what dialogue will come. But I figured I'll kick things off with where I'm at now.

So, I am just over a year of leaving my ex for the second time. Most of you know that I wanted R even to my detriment. It saddens me deeply. I skirted depression this past year, just shy of falling into something deep. I think the work I've done on myself helped to keep my head above water, but only barely.

I knew leaving this time was it, there was no going back for me. Even though it was my choice it didn't make the pain nonexistent or any less than.

I was hoping he would grow with me, and though its not my fault, I feel guilt that it didn't happen that way. I feel guilt that I out grew our relationship. I didn't want to leave him behind but I couldn't stay stuck there either. So what was a girl supposed to do? I wish him all the best, I really do. I have spent my entire adult life with that guy and I don't wish ill will in any capacity. Sometimes I'm still hit with a wave of grief over the loss and the pain we've caused each other.

One doesn't forget this experience and its left me with a heart full of remorse even now. It has shaped my outlook and the rest of my life.

With that said, I am in a really good place right now. The dark clouds have lifted and I feel a sense of renewal. My exhaustion has lightened and really most of all, I feel the payoff of all that hard work I've put in these last 4 and a half years. Its hard when you are in the thick of it to understand exactly what you are working towards, we get so focused on the work, its nice when you can just come up for a breath, be still, and know that it was 100 percent worth it.

In my quest for a better me, I fought for myself in ways I didn't think I had in me. I had to get super uncomfortable and honest. Lots of fears and unknowns. I cried a lot. But I kept leveling up. I like this version of me. (and again with the guilt! that I wasn't able to give him this version)

I think my next step is to find a way to overcome all that guilt of moving on. Just let it go, let go of the outcome that has befallen us.

Neanderthal posted 10/21/2020 15:00 PM

I belong here as much as anywhere I suppose. Divorced for less than a month, but its felt like an eternity. I keep trying to do things that I think are correct, but I just don't trust my judgement anymore. So then I decide to just take a break and not make decisions, and my anxiety goes through the roof. I'm crawling in my own skin most days.

foreverlabeled,
That is a pretty positive update. Thank you.
Do you regret trying the second time?

Darkness Falls posted 10/21/2020 15:31 PM

My H divorced me after I cheated. We remarried a few years later. In hindsight, not a good idea. Then we had two children. Also not a good idea in hindsight, because although we love them dearly, our firstborn is autistic which is a challenge in and of itself, but also limits the options for getting out of this marriage, because she requires substantial support and unconventional childcare.

We are I guess sort of informally in-house separated; we only communicate about finances and the kids and avoid each other otherwise. Hopefully Iíll have a better idea of my opportunity to D in the next few years.

foreverlabeled posted 10/21/2020 15:41 PM

Hey Neanderthal

No I don't regret it. It left me feeling disappointed sure, but I guess I learn things the hard way. I actually realized pretty soon, within days of moving back in that I made the wrong choice. I wanted R though, and I was willing to sacrifice a lot for it. Until I fully understood what that meant, of course. And it wasn't healthy.

Neanderthal, time always had a funny way of playing tricks on my sense of time. I get what you mean by feeling like an eternity. One day at a time, y'know?

Oddly enough, I never struggled with anxiety until I left. Its a tough battle. Do you have any strategies to help with the anxiety? I think its as good as any place to start and heal. Mine was rooted in fear and loss, helplessness to the situation.

I'm sorry you struggled with it. I feel like now that I know anxiety its just a part of me now. Though it occurs significantly less often, the slightest thing can set it off now.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 3:47 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

foreverlabeled posted 10/21/2020 15:46 PM

†Hopefully Iíll have a better idea of my opportunity to D in the next few years
DF I'll be glad when you find that kind of peace. Your unhappiness is evident and thats a hard way to live your life.

hikingout posted 10/21/2020 15:48 PM

I am reading. In a weird way I needed to hear that update foreverlabeled. It gives me hope. I am happy for you.

Even in my current mess I can see the benefits of all I just worked on. There is strength in knowing you can rely on yourself. It scares me too. But I feel your update and it resonates with some of what I am experiencing. I am
Glad they made this thread.

Darkness Falls posted 10/21/2020 16:53 PM

foreverlabeled, yes it is. I want a real marriage someday.

Poppy704 posted 10/21/2020 17:12 PM

In a way it makes me bristle your out in a separate area because it makes me feel like a ďbadĒ wayward. But it is what it is.

Iím glad the clouds are parting for you ForeverLabeled. A lot of advice to WS is in some ways contradictory. Be authentic, be honest, be transparent.... Well some of those things arenít necessarily going to lead to Reconciliation depending on the marriage and both parties . But they do lead to being healthy, and safe, and a better person.

Darkness Falls posted 10/21/2020 17:21 PM

Poppy,

I see what youíre saying but I have always had so little in common with the other WSs as relates to their BS. He made the decision on D-day to divorce me. He was never interested in a timeline, or a polygraph, or monitoring my whereabouts, or checking my social media. Two years after our divorce, he just as abruptly asked me to consider getting back together. I asked him if there was anything about the affair that he wanted to talk about. He asked one or two questions and then asked (more like demanded) that I not bring it up again. We went about our lives. Then our relationship started deteriorating, and I couldnít relate again to most of the WSs here, who were all so eager to make their R work and who had BSs who also wanted it to succeed. Iím grateful for this thread because at least itís an area for those of us who arenít on the mainstream path.

Poppy704 posted 10/21/2020 17:45 PM

Not that I want you to go, but why do you stay here Darkness? I know youíve cultivated friendships, but it seems like other groups might be a better fit for you?

Darkness Falls posted 10/21/2020 19:33 PM

Thatís a good question. To be honest, Iím not sure anymore.

Poppy704 posted 10/21/2020 19:51 PM

Like I said, I do t want to see you leave, but I found other groups to be more helpful to me or at least a good addition to the mix. I attend online codependency meetings , my IC got me in touch with abuse support. Other groups might help balance things for you.

foreverlabeled posted 10/22/2020 06:41 AM

Poppy, this thread makes you feel like it's for bad waywards? I'm sorry thats your take.

I could never relate to a ws 4-5 years into R or even 10 years in, with the struggles or even happiness and found success. I could assume and help based on other experiences. But here? With my fellow outliers, it nice to have a common space and shared path. I like that we have a place here in ICR that is specific.

I like that the reason we stick around even if R failed is because the goal has always been getting our shit together and there is no shortage of shit. Contrary to my name I don't always wish to be labeled forever as a wayward but it is in my history and I still relate to that time in my life. It doesn't seem like that long ago.

And even more SI becomes a home for many of us. In my darkest hour this community was there for me. I learned everything here and I feel like there is a lot more to be discovered. While its obviously heavy on the infidelity happenings, reading between the lines, it offers so much to building a successful and healthy life. I'm ALL about that. Its not like we've been exiled here, in fact its quite the opposite. I'm thankful that SI has taken us into consideration and has given us yet another safe place.

Here we can take our collective effort and knowledge and apply it with infidelity removed from the equation, but also not forgetting it. We can talk about our struggles of R failing. The fears of being alone, that our fellow waywards in R cannot relate to. We can still be among the friends we've made and share our new beginnings.

Like, I'm totally ready to date! Or at least, well.. a year is along time is all I'm saying!

But you know too, the very thing that upsets you about being out here away from the rest is also something maybe you could glean some insight among us and like we say over there with the rest of em in wayward, if something raises defensiveness maybe you should ask why.

Also, Poppy that wasn't entirely directed towards you and you alone. That's my take on the new ICR thread for anyone with doubts.

hikingout posted 10/22/2020 08:42 AM

Poppy,

I actually think it's so positive WS not in R are here. To me those who do that, who go on with their work and fostering the relationships they made here are proactive and still interested in learning and growing.

Also, whether or not we are in R has no bearing if we are a good WS or not. R is not an outcome we get to choose alone. And, no matter what work we did doesn't mean we get to R. R doesn't make us worthy, we make ourselves worthy.

And, besides, many of us who get on the road to R get off. Sometimes due to our actions and sometimes not. I don't see this forum thread as "now if you fit this label you must post here" I see it supplementary to our forum. Not all of us feel comfortable going over to the divorce forum, or new beginnings. Hell, I couldn't feel comfortable posting my JFO thread over in General. Supplementary threads are really good. If this works out it might help to have one for former WS who are in R. I see that as a potential as well because there was so much I felt I wanted to share when I thought things were going well but it felt wrong to post it very much in the wayward thread. And, lately there have been so many WS who expressed their jealousy and comparing where they were, it became even more apparent all I wanted to share didn't quite "fit" in there the way same of what Foreverlabeled is saying. Like her wanting to date again (YEAH!) I know there is an R thread, but over there when you post something it feels like people say "Yeah but what would your BS say? Which makes sense but that's a buzz killer when you feel like you got another good thing under your belt.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:44 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

Poppy704 posted 10/22/2020 10:24 AM

After I posted a life update recently, a lengthy post popped up in General about fWS getting to move on and how itís not fair, etc etc, and even in my own post it was an issue that I praised my new husband, so my feelings of resentment towards being deemed guilty in a brand new way make me prickly, How dare I go on to be happy and continue to try to improve myself?! What else am I supposed to do? Curl up and die?

Ultimately, as everyone has said itís good to have a special little weirdo/outlier zone, Iím just prickly.


Edited to try to verbalize my feelings, which Iíve done poorly.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 10:54 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

foreverlabeled posted 10/22/2020 10:57 AM

I get it Poppy. I don't know which thread you are referring to but its important to consider the source though. I used to take a lot of what is said here personal and to heart. I let it bother me greatly. Whether it was indeed meant to be personal or not. I had to change my thinking.

We break people, traumatize them, its abusive. I'm not particularly fond of abusers myself, even having been exactly that. Sometimes we leave a bad taste and no amount of water is going to wash out that shit sandwich.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 10:58 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

JBWD posted 10/22/2020 11:53 AM

Ditto on prickly.

I still really really donít want to ďmove on.Ē
But the time I had to prove I wanted R, I failed.

I dunno, thereís a lot of weird shit swirling around for me right now. Each day feels like a lifetimeís worth of changing thoughts- Echoes of your thoughts, Neanderthal.

I just continue to feel stuck knowing that I want to share this journey- But I have thought and evaluated and I know that itís not just with anyone, but only STBXW. I imagine that my letting go will look like yours, foreverlabeled. Thereís other changes Iím interested in but it all requires patience.

ETA: The unfairness of moving on is an interesting paradox for me. I donít want to, but if I donít Iím punishing myself. Ties in to charges of ďnot fighting for itĒ when BPs explicitly tell the abuser to stop. Persistence can be off putting, Iím quietly still here and a much better person than I was, but staying stuck could be genuinely bad for both of us.

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:57 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

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