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Over it

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Mickie500 posted 10/22/2020 17:36 PM

Thumos- what gave? Im curious. How did you do it.

Underserving posted 10/22/2020 21:58 PM

Thumos- I know its tricky to play the what if game, but if your wife had been truly remorseful, done all the necessary work, and essentially was doing everything right, do you think that would have made a difference for you? Or do you believe it simply has always been a dealbreaker, no matter what, but it took some time to realize such? Possibly none of the above? lol

The1stWife posted 10/23/2020 04:38 AM

Its like the rose colored glasses have been ripped off, and I see the whole thing for what it really was. The cruelty. The selfishness for something that could never in a million years be worth it. Its a hard thing to get past, and move on from.

This is where every betrayed spouse or partner has been. You are not alone. I was here 3 years out from dday2. So darnn frustrating!!

A few things helped me.

First was a video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. Its in YouTube. It talks about healing yourself. In essence people do bad things but its important for you to heal yourself. Not expect the other person (the cheater in this case) to be solely responsible for healing you. I use the example of a broken leg you get in a car accident. Accident wasnt your fault. But healing your broken leg is your responsibility.

Second its a choice. You make a choice to either live w/ the black cloud of infidelity hanging over your head or you choose to stop living in the past and recognize your spouse is doing everything possible to repair the damage and trauma. You live in the present. You remind yourself your spouse is not the same lying cheating IDIOT he was in the past. Hes changed. You see it. You have proof hes changed for the better.

Third, you slowly learn to forgive. This was the hardest part for me 100% forgiveness took me 6 years.

You can wake up every day and let the infidelity hit you in the face. And stay there. Or you can say well yesterday my H did this or today I will focus on seeing that my spouse is making amends or listening or changing his behavior etc.

You can 💕 love your cheating spouse despite the flaws and betrayal. People CAN change. You just have to recognize it.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:42 AM, October 23rd (Friday)]

Underserving posted 10/23/2020 10:59 AM

The1stwife- Exactly what I was looking for and needed to hear. Thank you.

I feel like infidelity has become my whole world, and I dont want it to stay that way. I still have healing to do, but Id like to start moving away from it a little bit at a time. Begin our new chapter. Build our NEW marriage. Sure is a hard thing to do, though. Im afraid to really let go of all the hurtful things. Its not helping me to replay them in my mind 100 times a day, but the vulnerability is terrifying.


dancin-gal posted 10/23/2020 11:35 AM

I love first wifes response!!
My MC has me writing down WS good actions and focusing on that .. when I wake up in the morning deciding to focus on the positive.. beautiful day, today I will be happy !
We also got a puppy! That in it self keeps you busy !!! And focusing away from the negative!! Knit , needlepoint , any activity , adult coloring books , etc .. all keep your mind focused!

Thumos posted 10/23/2020 13:34 PM

Thumos- what gave? Im curious. How did you do it.

Thumos- I know its tricky to play the what if game, but if your wife had been truly remorseful, done all the necessary work, and essentially was doing everything right, do you think that would have made a difference for you? Or do you believe it simply has always been a dealbreaker, no matter what, but it took some time to realize such? Possibly none of the above? lol

I wanted to give a thoughtful reply to both of these questions:

1. What gave? Well, sitting in that cardiologist's office I wanted to divorce right after that. My WW was with me that day, and she was weeping about the whole thing. Later in the car, I said, "you know why I'm having this issue with chest pain, right?" And she was just in denial about the whole thing. There was no connection in her mind to the fact that she'd failed a polygraph exam only a few weeks earlier. I was like "damn this chick just doesn't get it."

2. So I was ready to divorce. But then I went to Retrouvaille with her and softened a little. Then the pandemic lockdowns began. I felt strongly that I'd be a real shitheel to file for divorce right in the middle of that, especially since her business was being impacted.

3. I went all the way until the summer. The precipitating event was a revelatory conversation with my son I wrote about here in the R forum. Since then I've been working actively on divorce, but it hasn't happened yet.

4. As far as the what if game, I actually think it's kind of a useful way to think about things. Yes, I do think it would have made a difference. Absolutely. After all, I've been hanging in there on this thing for four years. I was hanging in there at the 3 year mark despite feeling really dead inside. My thread here in the R forum is rather epic.

5. At the same, I know this sounds slightly contradictory, but I knew immediately after DDAY it was a dealbreaker. I felt done right then and there -- absent our kids, I would have walked immediately.

But I stayed and then found myself in limbo.

I'm trying my damndest to get out of limbo now.

No one should be in limbo and if there are people here in the R forum who feel like they are in limbo or are guilting themselves because their R is just not going very well, or they feel empty around their wayward spouse, well, I wanna say to you: STOP FEELING GUILTY. This isn't your fault. This isn't your burden.

Sometimes you have to ask not just whether you can choke down the shit sandwich, but whether your wayward spouse IS the actual shit sandwich.

Thumos posted 10/23/2020 13:38 PM

First was a video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. Its in YouTube. It talks about healing yourself. In essence people do bad things but its important for you to heal yourself. Not expect the other person (the cheater in this case) to be solely responsible for healing you. I use the example of a broken leg you get in a car accident. Accident wasnt your fault. But healing your broken leg is your responsibility.

I just watched this video. Good stuff. Particularly relevant since Will's wife cheated on him and she doesn't seem particularly remorseful and is still very much wrapped up in herself. She's a great one for the euphemisms like "entanglement" to describe her adultery.

Interesting that a wife cheating on you is something he mentions very early in the video!

Thumos posted 10/23/2020 13:43 PM

I keep recommending this book because it's so well done, but everyone on this thread should read "Cheating in a Nutshell" and it will help you understand the storm of emotions and why just wanting to be over it isn't going to work very well.

Interestingly the book references Jonathan Haidt's scientific research on moral emotions. These are primary emotions, not secondary, not a cover for something else. They are intuitive emotional reactions that drive objective morality in human affairs. They are healthy emotions. Good emotions to have, even though they feel unpleasant.

Emotions like righteous anger, sadness, suspicion and disgust.

These intuitive moral emotions exist on a continuum. For example, disgust sits on a continuum for the foundations of morality that Haidt calls the "sanctity/degradation" continuum. Interesting if you think about how marriage has been viewed as a sanctified covenant throughout most of human history in most cultures on the planet. If this sanctified covenant has been violated, then disgust and revulsion are the appropriate response.

Pushing this feeling away will only ensure it comes back stronger, because your brain is not wired to let that issue rest.

Wintergarden posted 10/29/2020 13:46 PM

I honestly believe you can't rush the healing. I go back and forth as to what I want. My saving grace, even though lots don't agree with the fence sitting, is just that. I don't have to rush a decision.

There is no doubt my WS is much more like the man he used to be. I don't bring it up often but it's the elephant in the room. It's never going away, its just how you deal with it, sometimes you forget it's there other times it is apparent how huge it is.

Time gives you back strength and confidence in yourself. I tell myself that if I'm on my own tomorrow then I will be sad but move on with my life. They can't take it all from you, they took the smile but deep down you can find it again.

Thankfully my children are grown up and I don't feel my future will greatly affect them rather they will be there in any form of support that they are able to provide.

Forgiveness is another strange one. I recently said to my WS "You never asked me to forgive you" his response was, "I don't deserve forgiveness". Probably just as well because I won't ever do so.

CoderMom posted 10/31/2020 22:10 PM

Healing is a part of the process. Never easy. Sorry you're having a difficult time.

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