Underserving posted 10/20/2020 12:35 PM

I know you can’t rush the healing process, but damn if I’m not tired of it. I want to feel freaking normal. I HATE that this has consumed me for 10.5 months now. I wake up and I think about it. I think about it all during the day. I think about it going to sleep.

Even good days. They’re all tainted in some way, because those happy family moments we share with our children, shouldn’t really even be happening. HE doesn’t deserve it.

My kids do. I know they do. And I’m CHOOSING to stay, it’s just a hard couple of days, after a long 10 months.

Thanks for being a place to share.

StrugglingCJ posted 10/20/2020 13:42 PM

It is really tiring to get up each day.. Face the normal routine.. Work.. Kids.. Etc.. When a large chunk of your brain is focused elsewhere.. On the whys.. the How's.. The when's..
If any of you have watched Bly Manor.. She slept.. She woke.. She walked... I felt like that for a long time.. Not living but not moving forward..
It gets better with time.. And with a goal in mind.. Pick a goal.. What ever it is and each day head towards it a little if you can.

Things will get better..

GTeamReboot posted 10/21/2020 07:11 AM

Ugh yes.

We have a little family camping trip this weekend and it always brings out the best in us. We’ve camped a few times since DDay. I look forward to it. But it’s tainted in that I have to make this really conscious choice to set this stuff aside and be in the moment. That is what I want. But I shouldn’t have to “decide” to have a good time on vacation.

And yeah... just generally sick of it rattling around in my head even on the best of days.

Hang in there.

Mickie500 posted 10/21/2020 07:28 AM

It’s so crazy how so many of us with close DDays find ourselves at the very same stage. Is this healing process the same predictable path as the WS affairs playbook?

TwoDozen posted 10/21/2020 08:22 AM

Another Dec 19 Dday here. Slowly getting used to the new normal. Going through all the same sh*t you are and taking it one day at a time. Don’t beat yourself up for how long it’s taking. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t cause it, you could not have predicted it. You are the prize !!!

2D

Underserving posted 10/21/2020 10:49 AM

It’s been a hard and heavy couple of days.

I feel like the dam has broken, and a flood has washed over me. The weight of all his actions. The intentionality of them at the time. The lies. The betrayal. The exchanges between them. I thought I had already come out of the shock phase, but I don’t think I had.

Also, even though I tried really hard not to, I was attempting to make sense of the whole thing. Trying to rationalize how he could do what he did, as long as he did it. The truth is, at the end of the day, it came down to he wanted to talk to OW, and he wanted to f her. He wanted her to give him a BJ. That was planned the night before. Which brings me back to the intentionality and the planning of his betrayals. He had ample amount of time before each occurrence to dwell on what he was doing was wrong. He didn’t care. That is what has really been weighing on me. He DID NOT care about me. For him, hurting me was worth being told how awesome he is, and getting his pecker sucked.

It’s been crushing the heaviness of all of this lately.

It’s like the rose colored glasses have been ripped off, and I see the whole thing for what it really was. The cruelty. The selfishness for something that could never in a million years be worth it. It’s a hard thing to get past, and move on from.

I’m glad I’ve kept R at arms length. I don’t know that I can get past all of this.

Notthevictem posted 10/21/2020 11:09 AM

It's like having some kinda hamster spinning on a wheel in the back of your head all the time, right?

Mickie500 posted 10/21/2020 11:42 AM

^^^^ ABSOLUTELY

Tanner posted 10/21/2020 15:15 PM

It’s that perpetual roller coaster ride, I’m dealing with the heaviness of it all for over a week now. It really sucks because my W is really doing everything right, I’m just at the bottom of the hill.
I have told you before, we joined at the same time and I followed your first thread, i felt all the emotions at the same time, I never commented because I was also a newbie. I just want to say I hope it gets better for you, but you aren’t alone in this. Best Wishes to you.

Underserving posted 10/21/2020 18:49 PM

So I felt today like I was at a crossroads. After experiencing what I posted in the comment section above, it feels like it’s make or break time. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself, idk.

I haven’t said this on here in a long time, if ever, but I want to stay married to my husband. I do love him. I love our family. I see so much potential for our marriage...

This wave that has come crashing down on me has been so unexpected and hard. I find myself wanting to withdraw, but also at the same time feel this vulnerability where I’ve realized I do want to be with him.

I guess I’m looking for some support or advice in how to reconcile the shock wearing off, all the harsh reality setting in, but still wanting to stay married to the man who caused it all.

Mickie500 posted 10/21/2020 19:20 PM

I find myself so beside myself that I want to just sleep. If it weren’t for my children........

Underserving posted 10/21/2020 19:43 PM

Oldwounds, sisoon, unhinged, and want2behapyyagain. Where y’all at??

I’ve never begged for advice before, but I’m begging now.

Oldwounds posted 10/21/2020 20:19 PM

I wish there was a short cut.

I know this pain very, very well.

I went through a rage phase for almost 4 months — not anger - rage.

Infidelity is cruel. It is abuse. It is selfish.

Our WS are all of those things during an A. And most of it that fantasy, the lies they tell themselves and then us, is all a temporary escape from their lives at our expense.

No sugar to coat any of their actions.

Here is another lesson I learned along the way: there is no way for this injustice to be balanced.

My advice? Feel your righteous anger. You earned the right to vent at the Universe.

You don’t owe him a second chance.

Focus on your value. Work towards letting go of the outcome.

The day I truly learned my value, and knew I would be okay married or solo. And then I focused on what I wanted my life to look like.

We take it so personally— because the sin is so damned personal. But it’s really about our WS’ issues. Once I realized that my wife’s issues did NOT reflect on me, my anger calmed.

Vent a lot. Vent often.

There is no time limit on figuring out your path and what you really want.

Tanner posted 10/21/2020 20:28 PM

Everything I’ve ever done I do in a step by step, incremental fashion. This is like nothing I’ve ever been through. On my good days it think “I’m here, so we should move forward from here”. Only to be knocked back a few notches. I think the ups and downs are here a while.
I’m so sorry I wish I had a better answer.

GTeamReboot posted 10/21/2020 22:01 PM

Tanner - yes that’s so true. I’ve had a lot of life successes. This feels like the only thing I’ve ever tried that I failed at... having a smooth faithful marriage. And duh I’m not the one who failed! But I internalize it a lot. It’s so hard to navigate something that deviates so completely from our usual life experiences.

The selfishness for something that could never in a million years be worth it. It’s a hard thing to get past, and move on from

One thing that helps me a teeny tiny itty bitty bit is this... if it applies to any of you fellow “late 2019 DDay’ers”... I try really hard to turn some of my anger into empathy.

My FWH is a good guy. He’s a genuinely amazing dad. He’s fun to be around. He values our (which is mostly my) big extended family. He works hard. He’s a good friend. He’s a good person. A couple months of ridiculously selfish behavior don’t undo that entirely. Not even does the year of hiding it. I imagine how much it must actually hurt HIM to realize how much he risked it all, damaged his own integrity, hurt me and our kids (they can sense things are off, they aren’t stupid, and statistically speaking they are now at greater risk of being in an unfaithful marriage). He injured himself badly and he knows it. And I do imagine that sucks a lot.

Not as much as being betrayed by a spouse. But he definitely did betray himself.

Things have been weird here lately. I won’t hijack to share but it does feel like we are on a new stepping stone, sizing up the path and options ahead of us. Feeling like the steps we’ve followed so far won’t keep working. They brought us this far, but now what.

I hope you can get more seasoned advice here, and know that you aren’t alone. And if anything, the fact that so many of us feel a similar way, and yet so many who have more time under their belt are validating it all as normal... that does bring me a little peace.

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 10:03 PM, October 21st, 2020 (Wednesday)]

oldtruck posted 10/21/2020 22:29 PM

recovery is your emotions on a roller coaster, up and down.

healing moves so slow that you cannot see improvements day by day.

11 months out from D day in a work project that takes two to
five years.

Underserving posted 10/22/2020 15:15 PM

I think a huge part of my issue has been vulnerability. I haven’t wanted to admit that I want to stay married to my WH. That I think we have the potential to build a fulfilling marriage. That I believe it’s something worth fighting for.

It’s reconciling those raw emotions with those of the reality of his actions and the damage they’ve caused crashing down on me all happening at the same time.

I can’t sit on the fence forever, but sometimes it seems an impossible thing to forgive.

I doubt I’m making sense.

Oldwounds posted 10/22/2020 16:03 PM

You’re making perfect sense.

And you don’t ever have to forgive what happened to you in order to move on.

I only accept that the A happened, I don’t ever have to be okay with it.

I’ll always hate that infidelity happened. It just became less of a focus over time. Regardless of which side of the fence you land on, it will be in your brain less and less.

Getting to vulnerable is something not every BS gets to. I understand why. It’s the toughest step, in my opinion.

In my case, I’m glad I did, because it’s the kind of thing I have to have in any relationship I choose to be in.

Be kind to yourself.

Everything you shared in this thread is very, very normal.

Oceanbreeze posted 10/22/2020 16:07 PM

Underserving, you are making PERFECT sense...to those of us who are in your shoes. 20 months for me, and I still go between feeling that what I have now is amazing, for both of us and our children, then, on other days...how could I possibly be with someone who did this to our family? I remember early on thinking that someday, I just want to wake up and say to myself wow, I didn't think about the affair at all yesterday. But as it is, it's still the first thing on my mind when I wake, and the last then when I fall asleep.
Having said that, I think about it far, far less as time goes by. I do have hope that one day I'll be able to wake up and say that I went a day without thinking of it. This is a long road, but we are getting somewhere!
A couple of things that I came to realize, that make a difference: I don't have a statute of limitations on this. I will stay as long as I want. If I feel my family is better off if I go, then I can go anytime. The other thing, perhaps most important, is that I will be okay either way. That one took a while, but I definitely feel it now. It actually makes me more interested in staying, than going, because the right things are happening. Are the right things happening but your feelings are getting the best of you? Give them some time to settle. You always have your options, and no one but you ultimately decides what to do. Good luck, I hope you're feeling better! Time will definitely help.

Thumos posted 10/22/2020 16:59 PM

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm four years out (my WW's 3 month affair started about this time exactly four years ago) and it still occupies my thoughts greatly nearly every day.

I finally started figuring out that's because of the cognitive dissonance of dealing with strong moral emotions (a la Jonathan Haidt's well-documented research on the foundations of morality) that WILL have their say no matter how much I try to will them away -- while also remaining with the very fountainhead of my pain: HER.

When I landed in a cardiologist's office last January after being told by my primary physician that I'd had a heart attack (spoiler alert: thankfully this turned out not to be the case) I finally knew that something had to give.