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When the OW was a friend of your BW

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Onebiglie posted 10/16/2020 15:53 PM

Hey me too! But forgiving someone and moving on doesnít mean you need to be friends with the person who harmed you. Iíve forgiven my rapist too but Iím not going to invite him over to play dominoes.

Exactly. MyandI you're essentially saying your wife isn't as forgiving as you are just because she doesn't want to be friends with a woman who had sex with her husband.

By the way, seriously?! What do you think they're going to do? Compare notes. This is disgusting. How can you honestly think your wife wants to sit and talk to a woman who her husband was sexual with for THREE YEARS. Your wife was being played by both of you. You both enjoyed this game. And this is supposed to be someone your wife 'should' according to you, hang out with. You asked in the last post about mind movies. So you think hanging out with the real thing, having that woman next to you, going to be a good idea?. You cantbe serious.

No one has to do that to be forgiving. You aren't more forgiving than her. You just care less about the violation of the OM that had sex with your wife. It's normal for people to not want to be around people who slept with their spouses let alone those who played them and pretended tonbe their friend. Yes, she pretended. She wasn't her friend. You of all people should know that. Unless you think demonstrating her love for your wife included sleeping with you. How lovely.

Now your wife is left with mind movies and pain. Forever. What a nice friend. What a loving husband.

This isn't forgiveness or acceptance. You want your OW around. If your wife posted that in the general or R forum, that's exactly what she'd be told. And same if a BH said that his WW told him that. This is some king of desire you have to have things back to normal. But you're not talking about forgiveness. You're literally talking about the equivalent of a victim hanging out with their rapist.

And btw it's not affairs that cause destruction. It's the people who have them. As in, you and the selfish OW who didn't enough about your wife to not sleep with her husband, did that. The 2 of you ruined the friendships. Just a subtle difference in wording, because it's important that full accountability is taken. You two did that.

And that's the least of your problems. You've got a marriage to rebuild and a wife who is and will be in pain and traumatised for years to come.

Why are you even thinking about the OW of you love your wife so much? Isn't that love so consuming that you don't have time to think about the OW who stabbed her in the back?
If you were really a former WH you would be more indifferent to the OW, not actively thinking about her and how fun it would be to hang out.

Sofarsogood posted 10/16/2020 21:04 PM

So, how would you feel if the affair situations were reversed? Early in my husband's and my relationship, he told me that if he wasn't committed to me, he would probably ask out one of my good friends. Although this was never acted upon, I couldn't help but look at my good friend in another light and saw myself distancing from her even though she did nothing wrong. You might want to think about the consequences of what you reveal for the sake of honesty.

forgettableDad posted 10/17/2020 03:39 AM

I understand it to an extent, but after all this time?
Let's ask this in a different way.

If your wife chose to divorce you. Would you understand her decision fully, or to an extent?

MyAndI posted 10/17/2020 11:17 AM

Talked to Mrs. MyAndI last night about my immature fantasy of the St. Elmos Fire gang being one again and carrying on as we always did. After the many comments here I realized how unrealistic and spoiled rotten it was of me to think it could ever be so.

Mrs. MyAndI said that when you glue back together a broken vase you can still see the lines. She said this is her feeling towards my FOW. She said her head understands my feelings but her heart wants to rip FOW's head off, she is also adamant that I spend less time hanging out in the circles her FOM hangs in. I asked if it was because she hadn't told me everything and her eyes welled up, and she said no, it was because OM has seen her naked and it triggers the guilt of her infidelity. She said she doesn't want anything that takes the focus away from us. She said she wont stop me, but that it would hurt her if I still hung out in the circles FOM does.

I did not take a nanosecond for me to commit to honoring her wishes. And I will.

Last night we started the wood stove for the first time this season and hung out. We are talking about moving.

I'm sorry to have triggered anyone with my bullshit, and thanks for the comments, this is a good place to get to the bottom of shit.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 11:21 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

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