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Another Update

Poppy704 posted 10/14/2020 14:13 PM

I’ve started typing this dozens of times only to delete it over and over. But one of the things I’m still working on is being ok with being open. There aren’t many FWS that stick around if reconcilation fails, so maybe it will help someone to see what that looks like.

I’m still in IC. Addressing my codependent tendencies and the lingering effects of abuse is an ongoing process. I’ve stopped apologizing when I accidentally bump into an inanimate object, I don’t participate in behaviors that cause resentment to build in me. So much of what led to my waywardness was not expressing myself, clamming up, smoothing things over. Which must seem ironic to my fellow SIers. In a lot of ways my continuing to come here is me working through those resentments in my head.

My kids are both with me during the school week now. Post divorce my daughter lived with me and my teenaged son stayed with his dad. Ex couldn’t handle quarantine and school issues. They’re both doing really well here. A lot of the tools I’ve picked up in IC have helped my communication with them, and their communication with each other.

Most importantly, I got married. Yes, he knows everything about my past. He’s gone to my therapist with me a couple times when things were overwhelming. My daughter adores him and he is growing on my son. He is absolutely the kindest person I’ve ever met. He just radiates goodness. The kids and I are beyond blessed to have him in our lives.

Ex is... himself.

Darkness Falls posted 10/14/2020 14:48 PM

Congratulations on your marriage! I admit I am jealous. Our reconciliation has also failed but I’m stuck for a little while longer. My youngest will be in kindergarten in less than three years; hopefully by then I’ll be in a better place to make a change.

Poppy704 posted 10/14/2020 15:11 PM

Darkness Falls: Kids’ ages are a double edged sword. I also did not know how I could leave without any child care, but it got to a point where as she got older she was picking up my unhealthy behaviors (tip toeing around, not speaking up for herself, constant apologies). So while it helped that she was older and more independent and could stay after school with an older Girl Scout, she had her own work to do to get to a point where she is now.

pinkpggy posted 10/14/2020 15:28 PM

As you know, our reconciliation failed as well. I am still here reading, but I don't know where I belong. It doesn't feel comfortable in the Divorce or New Beginnings Forum either.

Congrats on your wedding. I hope you have all the peace and happiness you deserve.

Poppy704 posted 10/14/2020 15:31 PM

Pink: I venture into both but it is a quagmire. It’s triggering to read that wayward as don’t love their kids, don’t deserve visitation, etc etc.

Hope you and the kiddos are well!

Darkness Falls posted 10/14/2020 16:32 PM

Poppy,

Ignore that kind of stuff. We all love our kids. Nobody knows anyone else’s heart.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/14/2020 16:48 PM

Poppy,

That's a fantastic update and congrats on getting married.

Good to see you are keeping up on working on yourself - that makes so much difference.

Maybe you need to poke SI to create a new I Can Relate Topic - Waywards in D or S. I've noticed that as well that some waywards are left kind of out there if they are not in R.

MyAndI posted 10/15/2020 00:07 AM

Poppy, trying to understand why you are not posting in the New Beginnings section. The WS forum is for people who are trying to heal their marriages, not discuss how great it is to have moved on.

You also say your X is "himself," which sounds pejorative, while the new man wears a halo. Sounds like you're holding bitterness towards your exbh like he was somehow partially at fault for your bad choices. It's not blatant blame shifting but I get a subtle whiff of it.

And once your A was discovered did you expect your BH not to try and take you to the cleaners in the D?

[This message edited by MyAndI at 12:24 AM, October 15th (Thursday)]

foreverlabeled posted 10/15/2020 05:32 AM

While the above is true, that this forum is for WS trying to R and gain the insight for what it takes to achieve it, and all the struggles in between. We come here in our darkest moments, we create bonds with our fellow members here and its only natural we come back to the same place to share our journey no matter the path taken.

I know for a long time I felt most safe here. This is a protected forum after all. The last thing I needed to read during my D was that I deserved it. It's happened before venturing out of the WS side. And I understand it came from a deep place of pain, but still it hurt to read, I was already down didn't need my face rubbed in the mud.

Idk, maybe the ICR thread is a good idea, or even starting one in WS. I felt out of place for quite some time, not sure where I fit in here or what I have to offer.

Anyway, Poppy, thanks for the update and its good to see you continuing on a healing path. The good thing about a new beginning is that you get to do things differently this time, from the very start. It is a chance to bring your most authentic self forward. We know better now through our hard work and understanding. Good luck!

Poppy704 posted 10/15/2020 06:46 AM

MyAndI: My X is a statutory rapist that groomed me, an actual Dr. diagnosed NPD (not Dr. Google), and I had to get a POA taken out against him. He didn’t “take me to the cleaners” in the divorce, but he did follow me in dark parking lots and threaten to kill me in front of our daughter. So yeah, he’s himself. Not even a whiff of blame shifting. And I will continue to polish my husband’s halo cause he deserves it.

As far as which sub forum to post in, as I said both divorce and new beginnings are less than WS friendly , and there are people here who I’ve “known” for years. Of course as a newb you don’t have everyone’s backstory/history. I am still in therapy dealing with my Whys, developing healthy boundaries, and improving myself, aka getting out of infidelity. I didn’t leave my marriage because of the affair, I tried reconciliation for years, and I’m continuing to strive to be healthy.

Good luck in your journey!

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 6:53 AM, October 15th (Thursday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 10/15/2020 09:37 AM

I'm with Pink on not knowing where I belong either since my marriage ended in divorce.

Darkness Falls posted 10/15/2020 13:36 PM

Me too, apparently—I’m still married but I wish I weren’t and I am definitely not in R; do I no longer belong here?

Poppy704 posted 10/15/2020 13:46 PM

🤷‍♀️ I think that WS that are remorseful and working on themselves belong here as long as they’re still improving themselves. If a BS doesn’t want reconciliation, or the marriage is not healthy for reasons beyond infidelity, it doesn’t seem fair to give us the boot.

Thissucks5678 posted 10/15/2020 18:41 PM

Congrats Poppy!

I think this poses a very interesting question. I like the idea of an ICR thread in the WW forum. I would love to snoop and see how you all are doing:)

Good luck to you all!

pinkpggy posted 10/15/2020 19:29 PM

For me I feel safest posting here. I won't be divorced for over a year. I am no longer a WW, that is who I was not who I am any more, but I can certainly help those who are going through it. I got myself out of infidelity, it just wasn't through reconciliation.

Darkness Falls posted 10/15/2020 19:42 PM

I got myself out of infidelity, it just wasn't through reconciliation.

I love this!

Poppy704 posted 10/15/2020 21:19 PM

Well said Pink 👍🏻

JBWD posted 10/15/2020 21:42 PM

I think that WS that are remorseful and working on themselves belong here as long as they’re still improving themselves. If a BS doesn’t want reconciliation, or the marriage is not healthy for reasons beyond infidelity, it doesn’t seem fair to give us the boot.


YAWP!!!

hikingout posted 10/16/2020 09:29 AM

So much of what led to my waywardness was not expressing myself, clamming up, smoothing things over.

Me too. And, I wasn't even in an abusive relationship. I say that because I think that a lot of WS understand that mindset, regardless of how it forms.

I think that WS that are remorseful and working on themselves belong here as long as they’re still improving themselves. If a BS doesn’t want reconciliation, or the marriage is not healthy for reasons beyond infidelity, it doesn’t seem fair to give us the boot.

I 100 percent agree. The WS forum is for all WS to share and work on themselves. At some point some of us here are considered to have R'd or are down that path as well. Noone has suggested we should only post in the Reconciliation forum. We all have things to learn from each other regardless of our relationship outcome. I have been here for years now, I want to see what happens with many of you all, and I think for as long as someone stays there is always more to learn or share.

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