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Need Advice - Ex Reached Out

Outoflove2020 posted 10/4/2020 12:44 PM

Separated from ex since March. NC for three months, although he did send a birthday message at end of August to which I didn't respond.

I've been maintaining a relationship with his kids, but through their mother. They had both expressed a desire to keep in touch. Was supposed to be seeing his daughter today for a bike ride. Her mum called me as my ex was doing drop off (and I believe my ex was still there when she called) to tell me that daughter has asked to not see me today, she's been telling both my ex and her mum that it's been making her sad and anxious being around me as she can tell that I'm sad. She's also been struggling with home schooling, the fact that her mum is getting re-married (she doesn't want her to, doesn't like mum's fiancé) so there's a lot going on. She has a lot of change in her life and doesn't deal with conflict or emotion well. She's 10.

Devastated, of course, completely heartbroken. But completely understand. I do not ever want his daughter to feel as though she has to see me or spend time with me out of obligation. In fact, I'm super proud of her for advocating for herself and setting her own boundaries. I will 100% respect those that she has established. I only ever wanted what is the best for her. I'm upset but will - eventually - be ok.

Not long after, I got the following text from my ex: "Hey I feel super terrible about today I'm so sorry. I do still think of you often and hope you're doing well, all things considered."

I'm so fucking angry with him. What a ridiculous text to send. I will be ok, I know I will, but I am angry for what he has put his children through with apparently no regard. Because he's a selfish prick who was chasing his fucking fantasy. I know it's not all about me and that there's a lot going on with pandemic, her mum's upcoming wedding etc, but the split has to have had an impact on her.

I really want to respond and vent at him. How this is all his fault. How his selfishness has led his daughter to this position, that it's his fault he had no regard at all for his kids. But I also feel I shouldn't engage. Silence is a response.

I'm so angry & upset I'm not thinking rationally at the moment, so could really do with some advice.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 12:46 PM, October 4th, 2020 (Sunday)]

steadychevy posted 10/4/2020 12:49 PM

Yeah, I thin as you do that silence is the best response. I guess that is a non response. I wonder what his motivations are as in why the birthday card. Could be he's trying to be a friend so he can say that you've remained friends so what he did wasn't so bad.

It6's a crazy mixed up world for the daughter. Not good but out of your hands.

crazyblindsided posted 10/4/2020 12:54 PM

(((Outoflove2020))) stay no contact. The feeling will pass and he's not worth responding to. Sorry this brought up feelings of anger. You have every right to feel that way. Come post in the No Contact thread in S/D forum. He doesn't deserve any headspace.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/4/2020 12:54 PM

@SteadyChevy - that's the thing, she's always struggled with change, she's always struggled with conflict. I don't think he ever sat her down and explained to her what was happening. There was one brief conversation when I moved out where we told her that Daddy and OOL were not going to be living together anymore, but as far as I know, he's not said anything else to her.

As for the birthday message, I have no fucking clue. With today's message, I am just furious at him. It's all about him again. "I" feel terrible. Fuck you.

Her Mum was super upset as well. She sent me a lovely message after, saying that she truly believes daughter loves me and that it's not really to do with me, just a way she can express some control over a lot of situations over which she has no control.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/4/2020 12:55 PM

@CBS - you are right, I am not going to respond. He doesn't deserve to hear from me to make himself feel better about a situation of which he is the cause. "I feel terrible". Still ALL ABOUT HIM.

gmc94 posted 10/4/2020 14:00 PM

he's trying to be a friend so he can say that you've remained friends so what he did wasn't so bad.
This sure resonates with me.

Sorry this happened. Amazed and proud of X's child for advocating for herself. That is such a wonderful thing to see, and as much as it sucks for you, the fact that she feels Ok canceling with you says (to me) that she knows you will love her unconditionally. That is such a wonderful thing - for both of you.

As I read the part of your OP about responding to the X, I immediately thought "we share our stories with those who have EARNED the right to hear them." He's not earned that right. Silence is golden.

gmc94 posted 10/4/2020 14:00 PM

he's trying to be a friend so he can say that you've remained friends so what he did wasn't so bad.
This sure resonates with me.

Sorry this happened. Amazed and proud of X's child for advocating for herself. That is such a wonderful thing to see, and as much as it sucks for you, the fact that she feels Ok canceling with you says (to me) that she knows you will love her unconditionally. That is such a wonderful thing - for both of you.

As I read the part of your OP about responding to the X, I immediately thought "we share our stories with those who have EARNED the right to hear them." He's not earned that right. Silence is golden.

fareast posted 10/4/2020 14:53 PM

OOL2020:

I agree with the others. Stay no contact. He has not earned the right to a response from you. And to put a little positive take on this: all of your love and support for this ten year old girl is having a positive effect. Look at her advocate for herself. Despite her trouble dealing with change and conflict she stood up for herself. This is your doing. You have had a positive effect in this young girls growth and development.

As for the message from the EX, how pathetic. All about him. Could he be more insincere? You are moving forward. Don’t let this dipwad/jerk slow you down. Every time he communicates he shows you how low he is. Not at your level OOL2020. Hang in there and keep on, keepin on!

[This message edited by fareast at 2:56 PM, October 4th (Sunday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 10/4/2020 16:02 PM

I came back on to respond to the comments but his son just texted me:

“i heard something happened which i’m sorry about i hope you’re doing alright”. I had been supposed to see him today as well, but after what happened with the daughter, I reached out to son suggesting we postpone as I wasn’t going to be in the neighbourhood. Didn’t mention anything about what had happened.

I’m thinking his mum must have told him and suggested that he reach out to me. I cannot imagine that my ex would have talked to him about it.

But however he found out, how thoughtful that young man is. I really do miss him.

Not sure how to respond. He’s almost 18. I don’t know how much he knows about the situation.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 4:17 PM, October 4th, 2020 (Sunday)]

BentandBroken posted 10/5/2020 08:50 AM

To your stepson, how about, "Thank you. Your kind words mean more than you know."

Chaos posted 10/5/2020 11:41 AM

Your ex is a horse's patoot - just trying to keep that door open in case he wants to come slinking back in. And in his mind you'll open it wide. What a flaming ass he is.

Still - all about him.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/5/2020 13:11 PM

@GMC - You are right, he hasn't earned the right to know anything about me. I have remained NC and I feel really good about it. He's now reached out to me twice without a response (birthday and yesterday). Hopefully he's got the message

@Fareast - Thank you for your kind words. I'm so super proud of her for stating her own boundary. It does help me to know that maybe I had a small part in that.

@BnB - I reached out and said essentially that, I thanked him for his concern, told him I was ok and that I appreciated him reaching out, and then wished him luck on his driving test today.

@Chaos - Amen to that.

Much clearer headed today, apart from the stoopid rash that has appeared all over my face and neck. A stress reaction I think. The ex wife reached out to me again last night, to tell me that the daughter had been cranky all day but had finally got to sleep, and that she was sending me hugs. As my mum said to me, their mum and the kids both see my value, understand how hard it was for me yesterday, and I should take that as a sign that I have had a huge positive influence in their lives. And that the shit show that is occurring right now is all down to him. He fucked this up. I've kept to the moral path and everyone sees it. Not that I need their validation, but it does help.

I feel really strong today, SO glad I didn't text him back. It will never lead to anything, other than making me angry or sad again, so what's the point.

EllieKMAS posted 10/5/2020 13:23 PM

I have remained NC and I feel really good about it
Look at how far you have come OOL. LOOK AT THIS. 3 months ago, this would have sent you into a week long tailspin. And now? You are handling this like a fucking CHAMP. I am so proud of you!!

And good for you for respecting DD's boundaries. Having been a kid from a divorced home, that conflict inside is hard to deal with. I am happy for her that she was able to speak up for herself. And hard as it is for you, it shows what an amazing person you are that you will honor her and make the choice that is in her best interest regardless of your own difficulties. Give it time to settle out.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/5/2020 18:36 PM

@Ellie - thanks Ellie!!

Unfortunately it didn’t last long.....when DDs mum was texting me about what happened yesterday, one of the things she said is that “DD struggles with her loyalty to xWBF and she doesn’t handle conflict or emotion well”

What if he’s - somehow- made a go of it with AP (as a reminder she lives 1k miles away, several states away and is married with kid), the kids have met her and that is why DD doesn’t want to see me because she feels it would be disloyal to xWBF?

I know it’s much more likely to be just about our split - she’s loyal to xWBF, doesn’t know true reason for split so doesn’t want Daddy to think she’s being disloyal to him by seeing me.

It would be supremely reckless for him to introduce AP (or any other gf) to the kids for a whole host of reasons (his parents are high risk for COVID, the issues his daughter is having, doesn’t want to hav a revolving door like his x did) and my gut says he wouldn’t do it. But then, I never thought he’d cheat so who knows. The last I know is that she was throwing xWBF under the bus once I told her BS but again, who knows. She could have split with her husband.

I hate this. I hate that this is where my brain goes. I was doing so well.

Please help to talk me down off the ledge??

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 6:37 PM, October 5th, 2020 (Monday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 10/6/2020 15:47 PM

Her Mum was super upset as well. She sent me a lovely message after, saying that she truly believes daughter loves me and that it's not really to do with me, just a way she can express some control over a lot of situations over which she has no control.
Your ex reminds me of my husband's uncle. The general consensus in the family is that the best thing about him is his ex-wives. It's a mystery to all of us how such a jackass persuaded two amazing women to marry him and then treated them both so despicably.

Your WBF didn't learn his lesson after things went south with his first ex, who sounds like a lovely and compassionate woman. He did it again, to you. Am I remembering correctly that someone in his family told you that this is what he always does?

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

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