Bingo posted 10/3/2020 16:21 PM

My divorce was final six months ago and I have had no contact with my ex for 4 months.

I have spent the past year constantly thinking about him, his girlfriend, and all the pain and heartache they have caused me. These thoughts have been my constant companion for a year.

I'm getting better and I'm not constantly thinking about him. But, when I don't think about him for a period of time, it scares me.

I'm afraid I'll lose my love for him and I realize I don't want to do that. My love for him was something I cherished and I don't want to let it go! So I force myself to bring him back into my thoughts...

How sick is that?

20yrsagoBS posted 10/3/2020 16:45 PM

Bingo,

It isn’t sick. Your love is part of YOU. He threw it back at you by cheating.

Your love IS your love.

If someone enters your life you wish to share it with, it will be inside of you to offer it

The1stWife posted 10/3/2020 17:03 PM

Why would you continue to “love” someone like that? He’s consuming your thoughts.

Maybe a good counselor could help you understand why you are still focusing on him.

Bingo posted 10/3/2020 17:46 PM

The1stWife: How can you ask that? I see that you're happily reconciled.

How can you love someone who cheated on you?

I think, for some of us, it's not so illogical....

Buster123 posted 10/3/2020 18:15 PM

Bingo, the difference is that your WH has left you and has been with his now girlfriend for a year, you should be detaching and not be scared of it, there's no R in your case, I know it's hard but in the long run it would be much more healthier for you, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar who left you. Whenever you mention him instead of using "your love", try "your POSXWH".

[This message edited by Buster123 at 6:18 PM, October 3rd (Saturday)]

LadyG posted 10/3/2020 18:22 PM

Bingo, I think of it like this... it takes an amazingly beautiful selfless person to love someone as flawed as my STBXWH.

To stop loving someone is far more difficult than to start loving.

Bingo posted 10/3/2020 18:27 PM

Thank you, Buster...some good points.

I do want to clarify that I was the one who left my husband. While separated, he continued to lie and have contact with the OW.

POSXWH.. ...bought a house 3 hours away from OW and they are not living together but probably are still in contact. I don't know.

But, you're right...I do need to detach emotionally and let it all go!

I asked for the divorce because I knew I couldn't stay with someone who could treat me the way he did.

That doesn't mean I don't still love him. I just knew I couldn't be with him.

It's just really hard...

Bingo posted 10/3/2020 18:49 PM

The1stWife: I'm sorry for questioning you. I just had a hurtful reaction to your question.

Just too fuckin' fragile today...

Justsomeguy posted 10/3/2020 20:01 PM

I'm so not equipped to comment as I am having difficulty with this, not with my STBXWW, but with my XGF. I entered a relationship too quickly after S, and I am paying the price. Amazing woman, yadda, yadda, yadda. It's been 7 months and I still go back there in my mind. Super not healthy. Funny thing, I grieved over her more than my STBXWW. Go figure .

You need to fully grieve, but you also need to know when to put that away. No disrespect, but some people, including me, like that feeling of pain and victimhood, or at least find it comforting. You might want to consider if it is you WH you miss or the idea of him. The more you look back, the less you will look forward, and the past, although painful, is familiar and in a way, safe.

Hey, I get it. The future is terrifying. I have no idea if I am going to be alone. Hell, the other day I was wondering how I might navigate my final moments without a partner. Then I remembered I have friends and I have family.

I know it still early, but if you gave your head turned, looking at the past, you will miss the future and maybe some amazing opportunities for growth and discovery. Again, I'm one to talk, but if you want to discover a new world, you need to stop longing for that old, familiar port and gaze to the horizon.

Anna123 posted 10/4/2020 08:21 AM

JustSomeGuy

Hell, the other day I was wondering how I might navigate my final moments without a partner. Then I remembered I have friends and I have family.

Just a quick comment on this. Half of all happily married people die alone. This was one of my big concerns till I got that through my head. Granted the path of life is nicer with a well-suited, good, loving partner, it is also better to be single than entangled with less than the above. Either way, for half of us it is friends, church members, and younger family members who are there at the end.

OP: I know what you are saying! This disconnect is one of the 'gifts that infidelity keeps giving'. So after over 4 years of NC, only text concerning son, no other deep relationship, I have come to a good balance of being able to cherish my memories in a way that he is allowed to be in them, I still love him in a tender way that feels sorry for his confusion in life, and appreciate the very few good things I gained through the marriage. It sucks that we have to live with this weird love but over thing, but it helps to remember how humans through history have had far worse burdens to carry.

You will sort this out. One more suggestion, when he would keep popping in my head, I would try to remind myself that my thoughts are valuable and he isn't good enough to be in them. I would then start working on studying for my new career, working on my hobby, or just thinking how fortunate I was in other ways.

I also like how someone described your love is in you, to give to whoever you choose, whether it is a partner, or others in different ways. Him loosing that status with you doesn't take that away.

Take care.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 8:23 AM, October 4th (Sunday)]

sshawness posted 10/4/2020 20:58 PM

I recently saw a quote on social media that said "one of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve someone who is still alive".

I think it's ok to love the person he used to be and the good memories you have. I think that just may be the way it is for a long, long time. Just don't let it keep you from good things in the future.

You sound really strong to me Bingo, not sick at all. Be gentle with yourself.

99problems posted 10/5/2020 02:19 AM

It is hard.
I loved my stbxww with everything I had to give.
I am the one that filed as well. Even though she stayed with the last AP.
I think she never thought I'd give up on her no matter what she did.
Now I am learning to love myself as much as I loved her. It is not easy. 40 years of being this way is not easy to change.
But I CAN do it. I can do anything if I want to enough. And I really really want to do this.
As much for my 7 yo as for me.
I deserve my love as much as a faithless traitor. More in fact. Much more...

OwningItNow posted 10/5/2020 03:36 AM

I read a book on complicated grief that an IC recommended after a bad break up. Complicated grief is where you have to grieve a person who is technically still present (body but not heart/mind, like Alzheimers or coma) or not technically present but still solidly in your heart/mind (missing person, estranged, divorce). It is an added layer of grief, to be sure, because there is a hope and a denial that grieving a death would not allow. Maybe do a little research? I don't remember the name of the book, but the concept really helped because my grief felt so real and so messy. Learning about my ordeal helped me to feel better.

(((((Bingo)))))