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It feels like she's won.

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ColdChickenNugge posted 9/30/2020 20:26 PM

I won't get too much into the story (check my post history if you'd like). I'm doing pretty good with healing, and I have a great support system. I've been feeling pretty good honestly. I guess today is just one of those rough days.

Who stays in a 5 year LTR, says yes to the proposal, just to cheat months (possibly before) after the wedding? You kept the affair up for over a year. You lied about sending nudes to another guy online while we were dating. For what? I was trying my best to keep you happy. Why would you waste my time and money in MC for our deadbedroom, knowing you were cheating at the time? You had the opportunity to tell the truth of your ongoing affair there. What were you thinking when you constantly lied about your whereabouts, and let your AP play my video games? You made me feel undesirable in bed. I didn't deserve any of this. I hope it was worth it. I'm sorry for the next guy. Hopefully, the AP is smart enough to run. I really don't understand people.

Sorry for the rant. Just needed to let some of this steam off.

The1stWife posted 9/30/2020 21:03 PM

Most of us here donít understand some people either. Namely our cheating spouses.

sillyoldsod posted 10/1/2020 06:31 AM

You've been heard CCN. Pleased to hear your healing is progressing well but yes we all get the occasional bad day. There are lots of people out there who behave in ways that we find odd or even disordered and occasionally our paths will happen to cross.

This bit jumped out at me...

I was trying my best to keep you happy.
I think I understand what you're saying but be careful going forward. We cannot 'keep' people happy. Ultimately their happiness has to come from within them.

Thumos posted 10/2/2020 08:30 AM

You're in a phase often called "untangling the skein of their fuckedupdedness" - you can keep pulling and pulling on that strand and it will just keep untangling from the ball of yarn with no end.

The point of the phrase is that it's a fruitless exercise. I know, I've asked my WW many times to give me an accounting for why she would do this. Blank deer in the headlights stare.

They often don't know themselves, or if they do know, they've buried it under layers of mire and grime of justifications, rationalizations, etc.

It takes a very special WS to root out the whys and start working on it. Unfortunately the dysfunctional toolkit that made them cheaters in the first place makes having that level of introspection a very heavy lift.

You'll need to get to a place where you stop asking these questions. Getting the divorce over with and moving on with your life is the best way to do that from here on out.

Bigger posted 10/2/2020 09:03 AM

Won what?
Was there a competition?

Sanibelredfish posted 10/2/2020 09:31 AM

Your post reminded me of an old saying:

Never play chess with a pigeon. The pigeon just knocks all the pieces over. Then shits all over the board and struts around like it won.

Your pigeon didnít ďwinĒ anything, but donít get suckered into additional games. It is a waste of your time.

Unhinged posted 10/2/2020 09:41 AM

I was trying my best to keep you happy.
We are all responsible for our own happiness. We can add joy to the lives of other (or misery, as often happens), but we cannot make someone happy. That comes from within.

You didn't fail to make her happy.

Oldwounds posted 10/2/2020 14:32 PM

Sounds like she won a shitty relationship with a guy who sleeps with married women. It sounds like she ditched a kind man who loved her for some escapist bullshit.

I know that doesnít change your pain.

Not yet.

But someday youíll see her for what she was and be glad you didnít spend another day with her.

The1stWife posted 10/2/2020 14:38 PM

When I found out the guy I was dating (and thought he was the one) was a serial cheater I never thought I would survive.

It took me less than a year before I was grateful I learned the truth. Iíd rather know the truth no matter how much it hurts.

And I think one day you will see that you learned so much from this experience and are so much smarter. More confident. More willing to walk away from toxic people and not waste time on bad relationships and crappy people.

Hang in there. She didnít win anything. Trust us. We are a bit older and experienced. She will be the same lying cheating toxic person 20 years from now if she doesnít get professional help.

sshawness posted 10/2/2020 21:30 PM

You didn't deserve to go through all that.

You will never be able to understand her or what she did because you are kind and have morals. Seems to me like she lost.

ColdChickenNugge posted 10/3/2020 11:42 AM

It feels like I will never get out of the phase of sadness and disappointment. I don't only miss her, I miss the entire life I had. I loved the nice apartment we shared. I miss the local shops, and events in our city. I liked being around her family and friends. We had plans of traveling more after the quarantine. We had sex problems, but I thought she was addressing them. It's a shame that she threw away all of this for her AP, who doesn't even trust her.

Now I'm back at my parents house trying to heal, and saving for my first house. I feel like a dependent high school kid again. I dread the dating again. I hated the immature texting games, the ghosting etc. I thought I was finally fished with all of that. Now I have to start all over with the life I worked hard to build.

Thumos posted 10/3/2020 12:13 PM

Never play chess with a pigeon. The pigeon just knocks all the pieces over. Then shits all over the board and struts around like it won.

This is going on my office wall, framed.

thebighurt posted 10/3/2020 13:01 PM

Take it from another "old timer" here, CCN. I felt xpos had won everything from me. Mine came back then mostly from all the lies he told the court on his financials and to everyone else, and all his attempts to get everything of any value though. He seemed to be all about getting all the money he could, but it didn't work for him.

Now I know I won the best of this, just asyou have and will. I am free of his lies, his abuse in many forms, his infidelity, his narcissism, his other betrayals. As time went on, I have learned many other ways life is better for me now. Not my problem any longer.

You are not far out of this now and I'm sure you have heard by now that it takes on average 2 to 5 years to work through this. Eventually you will heal enough to either find someone you can be in an *honest* relationship with or find that you can be happy on your own. Take that time. Hopefully you are doing IC.

If you need to rant, this is the best place to do it!

phmh posted 10/3/2020 13:23 PM

I remember feeling this way, and talking about it with my IC. She told me "I would so much rather be you than him." I didn't get it then, as i was so hurt, still in love with him, and didn't understand how someone I loved so much could to this to me. but her words stuck with me and over the years have proven to be true. In a few years, you'll be in a much better place than you are now, and be so happy that you aren't in a deadbedroom and aren't with a cheater. Plus, you've still got your integrity, which is something that, once lost, can never be regained.

suckstobeme posted 10/5/2020 02:42 AM

To add to phmhís post, my IC also said that while it hurts like hell for a while, remember that our pain is finite. It will end one day. Their pain, the pain that a narcissistic, uncaring cheater has to carry around, lasts a lifetime. They donít ever heal. They are perpetually damaged and run from one relationship to another searching to fill a void that can never be filled.

This is a pain like no other and her behavior will never be understood. Weíve seen it so many times with cheaters who keep the facade of trying to fix our relationship going, all the while having a full blown A behind our back. So many of them cheat while their partners are pregnant. Mine convinced me to buy a newer, bigger, more expensive house knowing I would either have to buy him out myself or deal with another move less than a year later. A good friend and her ex adopted a baby - something that takes so much time and planning - and all the while her ex knew he was going to take off and leave her with an infant. Who knows what goes through their fucked up minds? All I know is that your mind and heart will come to heal - it may take a few years but it will happen - and you will see how much better off you are without that toxic mess in your life. Living with your parents is just temporary. You will have your house and you will shape your life into something wonderful and satisfying. Sheís the one who will do nothing but chase her tail and try for the rest of her life to find the next best thing. Sheís incapable of seeing and appreciating whatís right in front of her, which makes her a massive waste of time for someone like you.

OwningItNow posted 10/5/2020 03:28 AM

All ^^^ true. Narcissists are some of the most tortured, unhappy people you will ever meet. No matter what the facade.

Bigger posted 10/5/2020 04:59 AM

First of all: I donít think anyone wins infidelity, divorce or separation. There is always an element of loss. Maybe with time you might (like I did) realize you escaped further pain and damage. I met my wife about 18 months after d-day and have a very happy and fulfilled life. Yet I have never felt like I ďwonĒ my ex fiancť infidelity. Itís more like I survived and recovered.

See my tagline?
I have had it for years and I try to live my life by it.
The Stoic philosophers had a theory that some things can be changed, others not. If you are unhappy then impact the things you can change, learn to live with the ones you canít. Once you realize this you also realize you CAN impact a lot of things. It changes us from having a victim mentality into a survivor mentality.

Like your statement about trying to heal. Change the attitude and donít try but rather heal.
The correct mentality CAN help a lot here. There is a common thread in various life-traumas; being widowed, divorce, losing a loved oneÖ most people say it takes up to 2 years to reach a level of normality. I donít think there are many shortcuts in emotional trauma recovery. I can share that for the first six months I saw little reason to get out of bed in the mornings. Then one day I woke up feeling blue but didnít remember why. Of course, after 3 seconds it all came back but those 3 seconds told me that I was recovering. At the 12-month mark I sort-of realized that being depressed was partially a choice. [I am not making that claim about clinical depression!]. I realized that I could choose to sit alone feeling blue or I could go to the movies, go jogging, go to a mall (just surround yourself with people), have a coffee with friendsÖ Anything other than wonder about what might have been.

You are back home. You also let us know why. Saving money is a goal. Rather than focus on the negativity of being home then appreciate the double-opportunity of being able to save money AND the time you get with your parents.
Since you are saving money go look at the Dave Ramsey site and follow his steps and plans. Rather than feel weird and miserable about staying home then start thinking ďlive like no one else in order to later live like no one elseĒ. Feel bad about being home? Pay them back by doing chores. Mow the lawn, paint the kitchen. Convince your mom that her cooking is the BEST. Will get your mind off things and make you feel as if you positively contribute.

I read your first posts. Do you really miss that life? The no sex, lack of affection and then realizing she was having an affair? Was the apartment worth it? The local shops? Isnít that a bit like missing the torturer because he wore a nice after-shave? Remember Ė "If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone.". Replace those items with more positive actions and events.
Take up a new hobby or immerse yourself in something you have enjoyed in the past. I canít strongly enough recommend long walks or jogging. Does your dad golf? Shoot? Fish? Maybe try going with him a couple of times. Since we are comparing staying miserable to whatever activity is chosen the bar is set quite low.

Chicken Ė Time alone wonít get you anywhere. You need to want to recover AND work at it.

fooled13years posted 10/5/2020 13:48 PM

Most of us here donít understand some people either. Namely our cheating spouses.

As much as I will never fully understand my ExWW or former best friend, as a FBH I also don't understand any WH who cheats on his faithful wife.

I do not know for sure but I would assume that there are some FBW who don't understand a WW who cheats on their faithful husband.

I was trying my best to keep you happy

What I now understand is that you can give the wrong person the world and that will still not make them happy.

CaliforniaNative posted 10/6/2020 10:20 AM

Their pain, the pain that a narcissistic, uncaring cheater has to carry around, lasts a lifetime. They donít ever heal. They are perpetually damaged and run from one relationship to another searching to fill a void that can never be filled.

I donít believe this - the core of Narcissistic personality disorder lies denial, which makes narcissists not feel guilt. Or it is short fleeting Instead, they make others around them feel guilty - as if itís their fault. (Well I wasnít happy with you so I cheated, blame shifting crap)

Denial was first described by the Austrian psychiatrist Sigmund Freud as a psychological defense mechanism, which practically means that it is a way to cope with the anxiety of dealing with situations in everyday life. The American psychologist George Eman Vaillant further expanded Freud's theory and classed denial as a primitive defense mechanism.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 10:21 AM, October 6th (Tuesday)]

OwningItNow posted 10/6/2020 20:02 PM

the core of Narcissistic personality disorder lies denial, which makes narcissists not feel guilt.

Oh, exactly. They don't feel any guilt at all, but all of their actions are motivated by a desire to not see themselves as they really are, not feel any hurt over their faults, not accept their true imperfections. Narcissists are miserable people who wear a mask of confidence over their misery, but the mask slips all the time as they rage nonsensically and lash out in jealousy, wishing they were not their miserable selves. The misery they feel is due to their original injury/injuries, the hatred of themselves as not good enough for whoever crushed their self-esteem many years earlier. And they wear that fake mask of confident perfection and slippery evasiveness their whole lives, trying to not be who they really are.

Guilt? Never. Obvious self-loathing? Always.

At least we get to be ourselves, free of this delusional charade that poisons everything the narcissist touches.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:03 PM, October 6th (Tuesday)]

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