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Childish but felt good!

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Shehawk posted 9/30/2020 08:15 AM

I have this new thing in my life...(for those who do not know my story, I did not stay because this sort of behavior and more persisted). I have this thing where I will only be in a sexual/ intimate relationship (for me a marriage) with someone who chooses to share their sexual energy with only me. You could say that exclusivity is a non negotiable for me.

If sexual(and emotional) energy being shared/sent to others was visible, most of us would say "no" to what you are describing.

But that is what I felt like the wh was doing with porn and other women. And for me it was a hard "no".

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 08:23 AM

If sexual(and emotional) energy being shared/sent to others was visible, most of us would say "no" to what you are describing.

That's my problem. Hes spending time and energy on looking at woman he will never have a relationship with and denying ME, his wife, the time and energy in every damn area. No affection, boring sex, cant be bothered to hold a conversation.

He spent hours on his phone emailing and texting his APs yet cant reply to anything I write. He just messaged me on his break. I sit here waiting for more of a response than yes, no, nothing, and same as usual. And his typical question of how I am how the kids are etc. Blah! I said I was the same as usual, his only response was "sorry". I said that doesnt help but ok....

Finally just had to say I'll talk to him later bye and be done.

I could have more of a conversation with a partot!

No. That's self-care. That's really important.

Ok good because I really need a break. Need to see if being away from him helps with the head pain.


[This message edited by DragnHeart at 8:24 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 9/30/2020 09:02 AM

If wh has no desire to change TO save the marriage (create a new one) then D is really the only option.
It's been how many years? He doesn't have any desire to do this or it would have been done by now, or at least well on its way to good. People tend to put in effort on things that matter to them. His effort is spent perving on teenagers online soooooo....

It is also concerning that he jumped to divorce as a response to a heated discussion. My ex did the same thing when I asked him questions he didn't want to answer. So I said alright and changed the locks that day and moved all his shit into the garage. Dragn I know you don't want to lose your farm, but if your wh decides to file what happens? Just an observation, but owning that place seems to me to be dependent on you just putting up with his shit. Your happiness is dependent on HIM. That's a precarious place for you to be. No wonder you have a migraine!! That's a lot of stress right there.

I am gonna preface this next thing with saying that I am not a parent. I was however, a kid stuck in households where my parents were in a toxic unhealthy relationship with one another. I always knew when shit was up. I felt it in my soul. That is part of the reason why I am SO protective of MY home today - I refuse to allow bad energy/juju into my space. Your kids know things aren't good, and don't for a second think that it doesn't affect them, no matter how happy they look on the outside (I was also a master of 'everything's fine'). Kids are more intuitive than anyone gives them credit for. Just my 0.02 from someone who btdt for most of my childhood.

So what you say about strong boundaries is what needs to happen now. I cannot give affection or care to a person who is actively hurting me.
Look, boundaries are TOUGH. It is really hard to lay one down and stick to it, especially when the other person has zero respect for it. But boundaries are necessary for your own well-being. And I agree - you need to just. stop. engaging.

For me, when I was trying to R with my exdouchehole, I would get in these round and round convos with him about what he needed to do, what he needed to work on, etc. Bottom line in my sitch was that he didn't give a FUUUUCK about me, what I needed, what I wanted, my pain... he did not care about any of that. He wanted to be a cake eating shitbird and wanted me to stfu about it. He was not going to change - so I HAD TO. If I didn't change, adapt, stop settling, then I'd still be trapped in the fucked up toxic dump of my M. I deserve better and so the fuck do YOU.

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 09:25 AM

It's been how many years? He doesn't have any desire to do this or it would have been done by now, or at least well on its way to good. People tend to put in effort on things that matter to them.

Tell that's because he hasnt had any consequences that mattered to him. He isn't able now to just fuck whoever at work so not having any at home is a consequence he hasnt really had before. Sure we went periods without but he always got it eventually. That's my fault for believing as long as he was kept happy at home he wouldn't cheat again. Ya I know, that didnt go as planned now did it lol

I'm not being cold with him now but I am keeping him at a good distance. I dont see the point in getting up with him anymore to have a coffee together. Couples do that not roommates. I usually do a check of the animsls early but that's after hes left for work so I can just set my alarm

I know everyone thinks the kids are better off with D parents than living together when life isnt all cupcakes and unicorn farts but I know my kids, I am honest with them about when I'm upset or of their dad and I are having an arguement. We go out for walks as a family, have movie nights, bonfires and play tag.

Dragn I know you don't want to lose your farm, but if your wh decides to file what happens?

Ummmm as much as I want to explain i cannot on a public forum...

boundaries are TOUGH. It is really hard to lay one down and stick to it, especially when the other person has zero respect for it. But boundaries are necessary for your own well-being. And I agree - you need to just. stop. engaging

I told him that this is what I need to heal. Regardless if he does the work or not I need to focus on my own healing. So this is how it's going to be while I focus on me.

He still asked what he could do. As if I haven't told him a million times. I said he had to figure it out for himself. I am focusing on me right now.

And since the goats are wandering around the house I am focusing on putting up the electric wire before it starts to rain again. Phone needs to charge so its staying inside. I'll be back


LLXC posted 9/30/2020 10:26 AM

I know everyone thinks the kids are better off with D parents than living together when life isnt all cupcakes and unicorn farts but I know my kids, I am honest with them about when I'm upset or of their dad and I are having an arguement

I don't know of anyone here or IRL who think it is better for the kids if the parents divorce when life isn't perfect.

Life is hard. People go through tragedies. Marriages are partnerships to help you through hard times and celebrate the good times. And I also get thatvon an internet fprum no one really knows what's going on on another's life. Even IRL, we don't have the full picture. He'll, sometimes woth our own spouses we don't know the real story.

All that being said,,it is great you are honest with your kids. Is your husband honest with them? And more importantly, how is your unhappiness affecting them? My parebts divorced when I was 13, and it was great. My mother had been so so unhappy. And my parents never lied about what was going on. We knew. But living in that tension, seeing my mom's unhappiness, that is not fair to any person, let alone a child who has to live woth the consequences of any decision his/her parents makes.

You need to take care of you so you can be the best parent you can be. I just think that some people view divorce as this horrible thing for the children. It is no fun. But it is far far better than living with tension that makes you want to scream, or the screaming fights, or the parent who totally detaches from the family. Divorce is better than that.

Also. One final thing. I think kids really need their parents to be a team. If they're not, the marriage is not good for any member of the family. And it confuses the kids too. And this is exacerbated when the parents are not only not on the same team, but have different values.

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 10:55 AM

Is your husband honest with them?

About how he is feeling? Oh hell he isnt even honest with himself about how he feels. He will tell the kids that moms grumpy or hes tired and doesnt want to have a wrestling match etc. Wh is more of a joker so he can get the kids laughing in seconds.


And more importantly, how is your unhappiness affecting them?

Well I know days where I haven't contained the anger or hurt and its spilled out but I always apologize to them if I'm having a bad day and explain that I was wrong to yell or be short with them.

Overall most days arent bad for being happy. Today I'm annoyed. Its Orange shirt day. Told the kids last week to make sure they had their orange shirts ready, of course DD didn't. Luckily I had gone through their clothes and made sure all the orange shirts were washed and ready.

Also goats out again. Ugh! Electric is now up. Just have to pound in a T post to hold the fencer and put in the grounding rod and hopefully they will stay in their damn pen.


Also. One final thing. I think kids really need their parents to be a team. If they're not, the marriage is not good for any member of the family. And it confuses the kids too. And this is exacerbated when the parents are not only not on the same team, but have different values.

This is huge and we should have gotten into MC the moment DD was born. Wh never believed anything was wrong with her. His family insisted nothing was wrong with her.

DOCTORS TOLD US SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HER!

Wh was in total denial. I was hell bent on a diagnosis. We were NOT a team. We werent even on the same page! It took DD deciding to do growth hormone treatment that finally got wh to agree to it. Also the newest testing has shown HE passed on a mutation that's being investigated as the cause of her issues.

He still wont discuss this stuff but I think hes more accepting of it all.

We were just married 6 months before she arrived and life up until then was fun and great. After she came it was nothing but stress and fights and doctors appointments multiple times a week.

As for general parenting he and I have gotten on the same page lol. The kids arent stupid they knew they could play mom against dad and vice versa. We totally put an end to that. We have house rules and we dont back down on them one bit. So united there.


EllieKMAS posted 9/30/2020 11:15 AM

I am not trying to insinuate that your kids are miserable or anything like that.

But let me ask you some things:

-Do you think that the dynamic that you and wh are demonstrating to your children is a healthy one?

-Do you think if you were to sit your children down and explain to them what an 'ideal' marriage is, you would describe your own marriage?

-If your daughter (or son) was in a similar relationship with a similar dynamic (and was hurting and frustrated), what would you tell them if they asked you for your advice?

I will reiterate my earlier point having been the kid in a situation where the adult dynamic was... pc version 'not ideal'... non-pc version 'FUBAR', and even when the grown-ups were not actively fighting or yelling at each other or anything like that - it still affected me in profound and lasting ways having lived in that sort of dysfunction for most of my childhood. I am empathetic, and I can always find a silver lining, and I am funny as fuck and can always make people laugh and I'm 'happy' most of the time. But can you not see how me living how I did as a kid helped me to develop these kinds of defense mechanisms? Just food for thought.

nekonamida posted 9/30/2020 11:20 AM

Tell that's because he hasnt had any consequences that mattered to him.

I was going to say this is why you had that dream. It was your mind playing out a fantasy in which he finally gets to experience the negative consequences of his actions because as it stands, you're bearing the brunt of his bad choices.

I also had a weird dream about my XWBF the night before last. I dreamt that he called me and wanted me back in which I laughed and reminded him I was married. But I also asked him why he wanted that and it turns out, it was because he needed a roommate and said we could break up after a couple of months when he'd be leaving the area. I woke up thinking, "Wow. That's so him." He'd step in to ruin everything for me a second time around just for his own selfish gain just because it was easier than dealing with an issue himself. That is, if I let him. I think it may be because it's been 10 years since I discovered the EA, the break up, and the kick off him becoming an OM saga. I didn't notice but my mind did and decided to send me a little reminder that things could be a hell of a lot worse for me right now if I was still with him.

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 11:37 AM

Do you think that the dynamic that you and wh are demonstrating to your children is a healthy one?

Exactly how are parents supposed to act around their children? We arent any different now than what we usually are. Never been ones for PDA's. We can laugh and joke and go on like normal people. Any issues we have are discussed in private or I just send him an email.

-

Do you think if you were to sit your children down and explain to them what an 'ideal' marriage is, you would describe your own marriage?

An ideal marrige wouldn't be riddled with infidelity. So no matter what, our marriage will never be ideal. Infidelity will always be a part of our history. One day I plan to tell them about wh infidelity and how devastating it is and that some people R. Some people D. Some people take a break from being all lovey to work on their own issues so they can make better choices about where to go from there. And that's where I am at


-

If your daughter (or son) was in a similar relationship with a similar dynamic (and was hurting and frustrated), what would you tell them if they asked you for your advice?

I'd tell them that whatever decision they make for themselves as long as informed, I'll support.

I'll support R.
I'll support D.
I'll support taking time for oneself to do the necessary healing.

I'll advise IC and then MC.

At this point I believe in my heart that the kids would want their mom and dad together by their side if they should need to undergo some of the more serious complications from this mutation and syndrome. Throwing in D into an already stressful situation isnt going to do them any good.


DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 11:44 AM

I was going to say this is why you had that dream. It was your mind playing out a fantasy in which he finally gets to experience the negative consequences of his actions because as it stands, you're bearing the brunt of his bad choices.

That makes sense.

I'm not carrying his bad choices on my shoulders anymore. It's up to him to fix his shit.

I have enough of my own issues that need to be addressed and I have to focus on that. I have to do that so I am the best mom I can be.

OwningItNow posted 9/30/2020 13:15 PM

I am not trying to insinuate that your kids are miserable or anything like that.
But let me ask you some things:

-Do you think that the dynamic that you and wh are demonstrating to your children is a healthy one?

Not piling on, DrgnHeart. I know you care a great deal about how your children feel. But during the whole shit show that was my H and I working through our issues, my kids absolutely bore some negative side effects. I can't deny it, especially because I've always been honest with them, too.

So we were separated, not arguing at all anymore, taking great family vacations, eating dinner together every single night, and coparenting well. But...big BUT, we were not hugging, kissing, sleeping in the same bed, or even warm. We were business-like. He was not warm toward me because he hated working hard in IC while getting no sex or future guarantees. My H was rightfully lonely. I wasn't warm because all trust was gone. All faith in him as a partner was gone. We were friendly but not exactly friends. I'm not proud of how our relationship looked then.

My youngest was 12 at the time (he's 16.5 now), and he came out of his room one night while H and I were talking in the kitchen. I remember our voices were tense as we discussed something we weren't agreeing on, which is extremely common when couple-dom has broken down. There is a lot of disagreeing over tiny things--just because both people feel unhappy. My son asked with an anguished look, "Do you think we don't hear you? Do you think we don't see that you don't really like each other? Mom, do you even love dad anymore? You never kiss him or anything. You guys are probably gonna get a divorce and my whole family is gonna fall apart. Stop pretending that everything is fine. We're not stupid. We know things are not fine."

My heart broke. My H and I went straight away to see a family counselor (but without the family) and told her what was going on. She said she could help the kids by improving us; THAT'S how important the parents' actions are. She worked with us a few sessions together and then a few separately, and she told me to get some strong boundaries or get out, that I was not giving my H proper info to work from. She let me have it, as much as a therapist can. I thought I was the healthy one in the M, but she set me straight. And honestly, when my boundaries got clearer with my H, things did take a much better turn in my M. (No More Mrs. Nice Girl, I guess? Same concepts.)

My marriage came out strong and healthy on the other side, and the kids are happy to see us happy now. But I'd be lying if I said our drama didn't harm them. It impacted all three of them, even though it's hard for them to discuss. It was scary. They worried about things they should not have had to worry about. I have a lot of regrets in this department. I guess we all regret certain things, right?

Good luck, DragnHeart. Stay strong. This stuff is really, really hard.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:16 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

KingRat posted 9/30/2020 13:24 PM

He at first said he was sorry, would delete facebook and even just keep text on his phone only. When I said that he needed to dig deeper, figure out his whys and that I cant keep living like this he said fine let's get divorced. Sell the house and split it 50/50. He was very matter of fact and emotionless. I said fine, went to walk away and he grabs me n a bear hug and says that's not what he wants. Ugh! I told him it appears he does. Had to deal with the kids after that, nothing more said.

Wtf...

Of course. That's his trump card. He knows that you'll put up with anything if it means preserving marriage and the benefits it entails. How knows that based on your history. That is why I said, do not draw lines in the sand unless you can back it up. If you don't, you lose any bargaining power you may have had. Right now, he likely believes that this will blow over like it has in the past. Don't be fooled thinking he is shook.

At this point you need to look at this like a negotiation and not a relationship where people do things out of mutual love and respect. What does he value most of all? What power do you have over him? What is your bargaining chip? Again, do not make the mistake assuming he thinks like you do. You need to start approaching thinking like him.

nekonamida posted 9/30/2020 13:35 PM

I'm not carrying his bad choices on my shoulders anymore. It's up to him to fix his shit.

Yes, it is his responsibility and it's much better for you not to carry his burden. But I think it's important to note - that wasn't what your dream was about and not the consequences I was talking about. You're carrying around a whole lot of pain and disappointment that is manifesting as anger. Anger is often an expression of pain deep down. I think that's why instead of having a fantasy dream in which he handled the farm for the day, cooked you your favorite meal, put the kids to bed, and promised to do everything and anything to stop cheating and help heal your marriage in a grand display of flowers and butterflies, as that would be the fantasy equivalent of him taking responsibility, you had a dream about THE most physically painful and humiliating thing you could imagine realistically happening to him. That's why I think this is not about responsibility and carrying the burden. It's about how his bad choices have caused you pain and anger that he is forcing you to carry without relief by continuing his pattern of behavior and that's not something you can just hand back to him so easily. There isn't any real remedy to that other than true R, full detachment though IHS/S/D, and/or you fully healing and no longer hurting.

crazyblindsided posted 9/30/2020 13:38 PM

(((DragnHeart))) your children are young and I can understand your position. I stayed through multiple infidelities for the kids because I wanted them to have a whole family. I'm sure that will change as they get older and more independent. That is when I REALLY started to want more for myself and set a better precedent for my kids.

I always felt guilty (and still do) for not having shown them what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn't see one growing up either and I believe that has a lot to do with the choices I have made.

My kids saw a marriage with two parents who passed each other in the night. Sure we had our good times and moments but it wasn't long lasting. Our best moments obviously were before the A's and my children do not remember those times at all just when I became a miserable person after D-Day. My kids think that I am part of the issues too and I have had to come to the conclusion that I was because I didn't leave and putting up with all of that led to me resenting my WS and my WS resenting me.

My daughter vocalized many times before I left that we should just get a divorce or why don't I just get a divorce. My fear of D was there from day 1 because of what I grew up with.

I don't know what the right answers are. I think we all do the best that we can in what situations we are in. You are on your own journey and will do what you need to do when you are ready. Hopefully your WS will realize before it's too late and even if he does it might just be too late for you by that time.

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 15:05 PM

I have my boundaries set.

Hes aware of them AND what it will take for me to reconsider reconciling.


At this point you need to look at this like a negotiation and not a relationship where people do things out of mutual love and respect.

Well that's what I want to do but everyone seems to think being in this scenario is so incredibly destructive and not helpful.

What does he value most of all? What power do you have over him? What is your bargaining chip?

No secret he values sex but not because he just enjoys it but because hes trying to use sex and ego kibbles as a filler for whatever void he has within himself.

The only thing I have to work with is making this more business like than relationship like. No affection, no sex.

I really dont have any bargaining chip or power over him at all. He has the ability to say fine no sex I'm gone. Or no sex I'll go elsewhere.
All I can do is set my boundaries and focus on my healing.

Again, do not make the mistake assuming he thinks like you do. You need to start approaching thinking like him.

I have no idea what hes even thinking since he doesnt share anything with me so how would I think like him?


and/or you fully healing and no longer hurting
.

Well this is what I'm trying to do and being told I'm doing it wrong because I'm not D him.

Sheesh. I cannot heal while I am attached to him or what hes doing. I HAVE to detach and simply focus on me.



My kids saw a marriage with two parents who passed each other in the night

My parents did this for years due to work schedules. I know they still loved eachother.


Wh and I arent at eachother throats when together. Theres nothing violent or destructive that the kids would see. We can get along just fine.

Now I took DD aside and had a talk and my 12 year old has told me that she knows dad loves me and that I love dad. She knows we love them-kids (even when they fight). She said yes sometimes we fight too but all moms and dads do. She also said her friends parents got a divorce and her friend is still very sad about it and she would not like it of me and her dad split up.

That's coming straight from her.

I dont see anything wrong with remaining in the same house with him while focusing on myself. I've always put everyone else first and now that I'm putting me first I'm in the wrong...

KingRat posted 9/30/2020 16:23 PM

Well that's what I want to do but everyone seems to think being in this scenario is so incredibly destructive and not helpful.

I think it is because no one believes you are at indifference yet and it is difficult to get there without separation. It is like a person trying to lose weight by locking him/herself in a donut shop. It is not impossible because you could starve yourself and stare at the donuts, but doing so is surely setting up a situation that lends itself to failure.

The only thing I have to work with is making this more business like than relationship like. No affection, no sex.

Yes, that is non-negotiable. Roommates don't have physical relations. He is your roommate. If you cannot commit to doing that, you are not indifferent and your plan is doomed because he will emotionally manipulate you.

I really dont have any bargaining chip or power over him at all. He has the ability to say fine no sex I'm gone. Or no sex I'll go elsewhere.
All I can do is set my boundaries and focus on my healing.

That the problem. He has all the bargaining power. He can throw in the towel unilaterally and end your dream. He knows you are beholden to him. You have to accept that he will likely seek out women. The reality is what can you do? Threaten divorce? He knows you don't want that. Other than him having a heart and respect, what is stopping him from doing that? Don't make the mistake thinking he thinks like you. He doesn't.

I have no idea what hes even thinking since he doesnt share anything with me so how would I think like him?

You find any power you have other him and exploit it. You only do something if it benefits you or your dream. You do not do anything without having a material benefit to you. You need to lose yourself and your morals.

Anything short of that and you will not be successful playing this game. You will forever be a feather tossed about in the wind.


"I described a patient who complained that her husband was habitually late for dinner. Dinner was ready at 6:30, but he often came in as late as 8:30 without calling to let her know that he would be late. She asked me, "Is that right?" in a tone that implied that she was the victim of wrongdoing. I tried to explain to her that the key question wasn't whether it was right or not, although one would tend to agree with her in principle. What she said may have been correct, but in any case, it was irrelevant. I wanted her to see that she was viewing the situation as a passive victim, which was neither productive nor adaptive.

Many people think they are entitled to good treatment. The truth is that they are neither entitled nor not entitled to it. The significant issues are what is going on and how do they feel about it. This woman would have been better off actively facing the facts of the situation and acknowledging her emotional reactions rather than personally judging it and feeling victimized by it.

If you are being robbed, you don't sit around thinking, "This shouldn't be happening to me. It isn't right." Instead, you react. You may defend yourself, call the police or try to run away. Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding.

The woman whose husband was late for dinner had every right to feel angry and to consider practical action if she wished, but to try to justify feeling victimized was maladaptive and ultimately meaningless.

Maintaining a child victim role leads to chronic passivity. Victimized feelings are very often appropriate to the child's situation. Children are without power, are helpless and are at the mercy of their parents. Later as an adult, things happen that are sometimes beyond your control and understanding. However, the adult who is still playing the child victim role responds like the deer that sees a mountain lion approaching and instead of fleeing the danger becomes paralyzed. This person just keeps noticing over and over that the situation is unreasonable, unfair or threatening but doesn't make the appropriate adaptive responses. In the case of the woman mentioned above, the tip off to the fact that she really preferred the child victim role was that she never made any substantial attempt to change her circumstances. Like so many of us, she would rather feel justified in complaining endlessly about her unfortunate circumstances while passively registering her dissatisfaction than actively changing her situation.

In facing one's feelings, it is important to note that feelings do not require any justification. They are automatic responses to favorable and unfavorable events, and people's feelings cannot be judged as right or wrong. Clean anger is merely proportional to the frustration experience regardless of any rational considerations. It is more advantageous to experience feelings than to deny them or cut them off. However, actions, unlike feelings, have consequences and must be considered in relation to both moral issues and rational reality concerns. Therefore "acting out" emotions, particularly angry emotions, must remain under a person's control. For example, a feeling of murderous rage can be considered innocent, but to make sarcastic remarks has consequences.

"Victims" deal in judgments and "shoulds" in interactions with others. They operate on the basic assumption that the world should be fair: "I should have been loved by my parents." "My children should call me or write to me." "After all that I've done for her, the least she could do ..." This type of preoccupation with "rights" and "shoulds" is irrelevant to the real problems that we are all faced with; it leads to inward brooding, righteous indignation and vengeful feelings. Worse yet, angry, victimized feelings are bottled up inside, contributing to depression and psychosomatic disorders.

In conclusion, playing the victim is maladaptive. Even though passive manipulations may occasionally work, taking this powerless position hurts the perpetrator and is never in one's best interests. In the long run, it does more harm than good. People can control their destructive urge to play the victim by acknowledging that their personal world and the external world contain many inequities and social injustices that are discriminatory and unfair to individuals or groups of people, yet they can take power over their lives. Despite these negative circumstances, there are active remedial solutions available to make an effective adaptation."

I'm not saying this to be harsh, I'm only trying to help you with your goal of keeping your dream despite losing your husband. It is very critical to adapt to the new normal. Anything short of that won't be successful. It is not about "right" or "wrong" anymore, it is about "is" and "isn't". What he should do is immaterial. What is relevant is what he actually is doing.

You really need to make sure this is what you want and stay the course. Or else he will continue to hurt you and the cycle will repeat.

[This message edited by KingRat at 4:24 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 16:36 PM

I'll read that whole thing again after the kids go to bed because none of them have any idea hoe to sit quietly AND JUST EAT THEIR DINNER. Omg!

But this I wanted to address:

Yes, that is non-negotiable. Roommates don't have physical relations. He is your roommate. If you cannot commit to doing that, you are not indifferent and your plan is doomed because he will emotionally manipulate you.

I am 100% committed to no sex, affection etc! The sex has been so blah that I wrote a thread on that and not being able to get off with him anymore. He needed to step up his passion and romance in the bedroom and ya that worked for a bit, then it was back to blah!

I'm not attracted to him right now and I need that attraction and feelings of desire to fully enjoy myself. That said I can get myself off just fine so... he just wasnt able to anymore.

I dont want to worry about or think about what he IS or ISN'T doing. I dont want to think about HIM at all. I want to think about me.

Lalagirl posted 9/30/2020 16:50 PM

I want to think about me.

Then you DO that, sister! Get time away...from him, from us...and just focus on YOU.

((((HUGS))))

DragnHeart posted 9/30/2020 16:55 PM

Wh has tried to argue that me posting here is what's keeping me from healing.

I told him his constant looking and spending energy elsewhere is what's kept the wound open and not healing.

I want to pull my hair out. Three goats are out. Past the electric fence. OMFG.

Guess my focus tomorrow is moving over the huge ass gates topped with barbed wire with the tractor.

apache posted 9/30/2020 17:09 PM

Just yanking your chain, but between in the house and outside, you've got a lot of goats to keep corralled.

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