LifeDestroyer posted 9/13/2020 14:47 PM

It's only getting worse. Unless I am in the middle of teaching, my mind instantly goes to being depressed and feeling all the negative/sad feelings.

I texted him last Sunday to come pick up our daughter for a little bit because I didn't want her to see me like this.

There are very few moments where I don't feel the depression front and center.

I want to feel better. I am tired of everything. I am tired of having to make myself feel better. I am tired of being angry and disappointed with myself. I am tired of being jealous of couples that I see everywhere.

Rose2206 posted 9/13/2020 18:50 PM

I wish I could give you a hug right now.
Are you going to IC? Know that you are not alone.
I know the struggle. I am alone too. Living day by day, not knowing how to get up in the mornings.

Have you read Brene Browns books or listened to her talks? Do you have an outlet for your anger and hate towards yourself? My outlet is working out (gym/ martial arts). I have bruises all over all the time bc I let it all out there...

I do not know for sure what to say other than feeling shame is a sign that you ARE changing. At least that is how I try to look at it. Lean into those feelings instead of fighting them or letting them drown you. Use them.

I wish you lots of strength! Reaching out here on SI is a big step. You made that step!

cf2018 posted 9/14/2020 04:50 AM

I know this sounds cliche but when I get into mental ruts like this I have to set a goal and designate a reward for achieving that goal. Once achieved, I become more introspective about focusing on the succession of goals to bring me out of the funk and less about ruminating on what's happened.

cheatstroke posted 9/14/2020 07:16 AM

LD, I believe that the other people in our lives are the most important thing in our lives, whether we like it or not.

They're more important than our career. More important than our hobbies. More important than our finances. More important than anything.

I also believe that in every group of people, there is always, ALWAYS, one person that is worth getting to know, worth having in our lives.

You have to live your life anyway, so why not, every day, dedicate yourself to finding, and BEING, that one person?

If there are things about you that you feel are preventing you from being that one person, work every day to change those things.

If there are things about you that you feel are preventing you from finding that one person, work every day to change those things. Join groups. Volunteer. Put yourself out there. Take action.

I think if you do these things, then you will slowly fill your life with good people, and you will find joy in working to be the best person that you can be, with the best people.

Will there be disappointment? Of course. Will it be easy? Hell no.

But it will still be worth it, because you're worth it.

suftum19 posted 9/14/2020 07:39 AM

Literally the same process. And I am also a teacher. If I am not teaching it is constant sadness, pain, anger, negative thoughts, deep deep regret.

How could anyone do this (have an affair) to another human being? It breaks my f-ing heart.

MIgander posted 9/14/2020 08:33 AM

Hang in there LD!

Have you tried antidepressants? I've found a mixture of antidepressant and mood stabilizer to help me keep up my energy to deal and process the emotions in a more healthy way.

Wishing you the best.

jadedangel posted 9/14/2020 09:15 AM

RN here.

Talk to your primary physician or your therapist about starting an antidepressant.

It's important to your mental health to be aggressive now then to wait till your symptoms become much worse.

And remember, this does not mean it has to be long term thing and it doesn't mean that you are weak. Sometimes, we all need help. Don't wait.

doninvaun posted 9/14/2020 10:11 AM

...There are very few moments where I don't feel the depression front and center.

...it is constant sadness, pain, anger, negative thoughts, deep deep regret.

I'm the same, it consumes me when I'm not working (if/when I could concentrate for work a bit); and especially when going to bed at night, I couldn't sleep until about 3 AM again last night. I think I have insomnia, just tossing and turning every night (and listening to Samuel on Youtube). Usually fall asleep between 2-3 AM, get a jolt at about 7 AM to wake up in agony. Good thing I rarely have to drive to work any more, my mind and the lack of sleep are probably not the best to be driving, I almost ran a red light last week, that was a close one...

LifeDestroyer posted 9/14/2020 11:55 AM

I have been on wellbutrin, but I think I may need to add something.

I'll have a bad dream every night (something dealing with him) and it wakes me up. I get this pulling feeling in my chest, my anxiety?? It will keep me up.

cf2018 posted 9/14/2020 12:36 PM

Any chance being back to work (and the struggles with teaching in this COVID environment) could be a contributor here? Not all districts have been great with addressing their educators concerns. Also there are a lot of districts that didn't even ask their educators $0.02 on the reopening plans.

I'm not suggesting that this is the only cause for your depression (I've read your story since the beginning). I'm more thinking out loud that this scenario is exacerbating your home life (and vice versa). More frustrations than a regular school year with nobody at home to vent to.

JBWD posted 9/14/2020 17:32 PM

I am tired of being jealous of couples that I see everywhere.

I think that in addition to the practical advice given regarding depression, this one may be a simple step on your own, LD.
I had the same problem a LOT, and it really felt like twists of a different knife to see happy couples everywhere I looked. An interesting aside, after DDay I seemed to notice a lot of couples in distress wherever I looked.

What I started to do was to think about what the narrative was for ME. Was I sad to be alone? Yes, I was, but I had a lot of great memories (from THROUGHOUT my life) of pleasant experiences that I’d had on my own. And as I focused on that more and more, I ACTUALLY started noticing more and more single people who appeared to be happily going about their days.

I fully expect that meds are a prudent choice and I don’t want to talk anyone out of that. But I used CBT to ask myself what the narrative was and confirm/deny it for myself. I am a HUGE CBT advocate, it worked really well and really fast for me- Specifically David Burns’s “Feeling Good.” Worth a look ICW any clinical assessment on your level of depression if you think it might help...

LifeDestroyer posted 9/14/2020 19:18 PM

School starting definitely hasn't helped. I thought it would because of the routine, but the added stress of covid has made it difficult. The districts definitely didn't ask us for any sort of input. They want us to social distance, but they keep adding kids to our class. We, all the teachers, vent to each other, but I miss being able to come home and talk my frustrations out with him.

MIgander posted 9/16/2020 06:18 AM

Hi LD, Just seconding what JBWD said about CBT- changing the inner narrative is so helpful. There's a lot of good therapists out there who can train you in observing your emotions rather than just experiencing them. It's been a big help to me.

As a side note- just as a mom w/ kids going back to school (in person, private school), it was a VERY stressful 2 weeks starting up and settling into the new routines. Plus you have your daughter starting school in a new environment at home and at school, so concern for her is piled on top of your own affairs... definitely going to be a bumpy month. Cut yourself some slack. :)

barcher144 posted 9/16/2020 07:32 AM

I clicked on this because of the title... mental health is one of the things that I do (I volunteer at work as a mental health advocate).

I'll tell you the same things that I tell everyone else:

- go easy on yourself
- try and find something that you can do that will make you happy in a safe/healthy way (I do something nice for a complete stranger)
- talk to your therapist (p.s. I am also a big fan of CBT)
- go talk to your doctor about getting on medication

I am tired of being angry and disappointed with myself.

I have to say, as a betrayed spouse... the above paragraph makes me very optimistic about you. You did something wrong (by cheating), which makes you just like every other normal person on the planet (including me and all other betrayed spouses).

You know what makes an asshole cheater an asshole? The fact that they are NOT disappointed in themselves. They shift the blame to someone/everyone else (usually the betrayed spouse). So, good news... you ARE a GOOD person. You ARE on the RIGHT track.

Sharkman posted 9/17/2020 16:08 PM

What are you doing for exercise?

MIgander posted 9/18/2020 06:36 AM

Exercise really helps me. If I'm feeling foggy or funky, I either row or run or bike. Running is the best for lifting me up- highest producer of endorphins. Biking is good for clearing my head and gets me out of my neighborhood in a longer distance.

LD, how are you this week?

LifeDestroyer posted 9/18/2020 07:00 AM

With school starting, it has been hard to go to yoga or go running. I can only go a few times when I don't have my daughter. I also have to be in the right mind space to go. I know that doesn't make sense since yoga is supposed to calm you, but if I'm already frustrated or depressed, it doesn't help.

Wednesday we had a wellness clinic at school. My blood pressure was 154/96 when I'm normally 120/70. The day ended with me crying at my desk out of frustration for not being heard on one of my students who I know needs serious help. I went home, laid down on my bed and didn't so anything. I then decided to go for run. I ran 3.5 miles and then checked my blood pressure again. It was 118/70. That says a lot.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 8:01 AM, September 18th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 9/18/2020 07:59 AM

118/20

LD, is that a typo? If not, the diastolic number is way too low!

I'm so sorry you're feeling blue. I can only imagine how teaching during COVID is a real soul sucker and of course the other issues that are weighing on you.

I echo the posters who suggest CBT and meds. Sometimes it takes several tries to get a good fit for an antidepressant. Don't give up!

Hugs...

LifeDestroyer posted 9/18/2020 08:01 AM

Sorry I meant 118/70

MIgander posted 9/18/2020 08:14 AM

LD, glad to hear you're coping the best way you can.

I've fallen off the regular exercise wagon too with the new normal (kids back at school for me, wfh until next summer). It definitely threw me for a loop stress wise and work wise. I've struggled with focusing on my work (hah, I'm on a conference call right now...) and self care. Even though the kids are back, it's the break in routine and the new worries over grades, homework, kids interacting with their peers at school. Especially for my boy as his BF is homeschooling this quarter and his other few buddies are in the other class. He's in with the "shark tank" boys- super athletic and type A. He's not bullied, but SO left out that he's very lonely.

So all that has made it hard to maintain an even keel.

Keep your chin up, this is a time of huge transition for you and everything will be upended for a while.

2020 sucks. I'm so over this year. 2018 and 2019 sucked too. Looking forward to having a good year for once soon.