"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/7/2020 12:41 PM

I'm new here but didn't know where else to turn. I had been having an affair for about 3 years. I told my AP that I wanted them to be honest with me if they ever found someone else, and that he knew what this was because he persued me. He always told me that I was all he wanted. I have tried to end it before but never had what I considered the a-ha moment. That happened to me last night.

AP had been acting different lately. He often didn't reply to me, or seemed distracted when we were together and made odd comments about. I was finally able to put the pieces together when I discovered a video he made and uploaded (his phone sync'd with mine for some reason) and he calls out someone else's name.

I confronted him about it and gave him the opportunity to tell me himself but he would deny everything until I came out and said it myself. I had decided before confronting him that this is the time. As a single guy, I knew that it was inevitable that he find someone that could his everything, not just his sometimes. We've said our peace and I've removed and blocked all social media accts.

On one hand, I've said my peace and I do wish the best for him. But on the other my I am completely heartbroken because I sadly had fallen in love with him. It also hurts my ego that he's 13 years my senior and she's 9 years my junior.

So that brings us to now. I'm back in a relationship with someone I can hardly talk to, no friends that I can turn to and no idea how to get through this. I want to tell my SO so bad but he gets unnecessarily angry over menial things and it would absolutely destroy him. On the other hand, I was able to manage 3 years with no suspicion so should I let it be and move on with my own guilt.

I've simultaneously lost one of my best friends and my only confidant and have never felt more lost.

[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 12:42 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

DictumVeritas posted 9/7/2020 12:49 PM

[My comment was not helpful]

I think you should post this in the wayward section and place a stop sign.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 12:55 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

crazyblindsided posted 9/7/2020 13:26 PM

Agree wrong section this should be posted in the Wayward section.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:26 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/7/2020 14:52 PM

Oh thank you. I was unsure where I fit in. I can't seem how to find how to put a stop?

[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 3:03 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

SI Staff posted 9/7/2020 15:03 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

WilliamM posted 9/7/2020 16:45 PM

[This message edited by WilliamM at 4:48 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

WilliamM posted 9/7/2020 16:47 PM

No stop sign so I will respond.

I'm back in a relationship with someone I can hardly talk to, no friends that I can turn to and no idea how to get through this. I want to tell my SO so bad but he gets unnecessarily angry over menial things and it would absolutely destroy him.

This is all you said about your husband. He is an afterthought to you. Do you want to save your marriage or get support for losing your AP? Which is your priority? Your aha moment was "he has another woman", not I should not cheat on my husband. So what do you want?

SI Staff posted 9/7/2020 16:53 PM

A Stop Sign has been added to this thread. It is now closed to responses from Betrayed Spouses.

ff4152 posted 9/7/2020 17:07 PM

Historical

Fellow WS here. One of the things I ask you to examine are your perceptions of your AP and SO. I can say with a fair amount of certainty that your AP is nothing special. Your AP wasn’t really a friend or good person at all.

You don’t really go into detail as to the length of your A but at its most basic level, he got his. When he got bored, he left for “greener” pastures. Does a friend do that?

Does a person of moral character sleep with someone who is married? Really, if your marriage was a bad as you say, why not leave? If your AP was this knight in shining armor, he would have respected the sanctity of your relationship and waited. He did not.

Suffice to say, he is as broken of a person as you currently are.

I said many of the same things about my wife as you do about your H. Gets angry all the time, I can’t talk to her, she doesn’t really love me. The reality is, you get what you give. I found that my wife wasn’t cold because she didn’t love me, it was because I had turned away from my marriage. I stopped putting effort into keeping the connection healthy.

I’ve been with my wife for over half my life. Things got mundane and routine. I stopped watering the grass as it were. Instead of focusing my attention where it belonged, I looked elsewhere. Can you honestly say that you didn’t do the same?

Look, I’m not trying to be harsh or throw stones here. IMO, you really need to look at your situation as objectively as possible.

JBWD posted 9/7/2020 17:27 PM

I want to tell my SO so bad but he gets unnecessarily angry over menial things and it would absolutely destroy him.

Why do you want to tell him? So he can make you feel better? Because that’s kinda how it reads. Throwing the word “menial” in here is a significant indicator BTW. Think through who’s really a “victim” in this scenario. You articulate hurt at being used and discarded by a man who you willingly conspired with to deceive a partner who you, presumably, have some degree of expected commitment to. He’s gonna feel the same way as you EXCEPT he had a right to expect fidelity and loyalty.

On the other hand, I was able to manage 3 years with no suspicion so should I let it be and move on with my own guilt.

Depends. How much longer do you want to be a liar?
That sounds harsh. By parallel, the first “a-ha” moment I had was when my father attempted suicide. I flew cross country to help my Mom, seething at my Dad for being so f-ing selfish. And then called my AP. THAT was the beginning of realizing what my A was- A violent and selfish act of betrayal towards my BW, who had NO IDEA how she was being deceived.

It sounds to me like you’re mourning the loss of an imagined relationship that happened to be overlaid with a relationship where your partner was kept in the dark about where he actually fell out in the pecking order.

I believe based on what you’re writing that it’s best to say goodbye to your victim and give yourself a good amount of time to understand who you are, and what you truly value. Because your actions towards your partner, at present, don’t indicate value. That further means that he should get some insight into what you’ve done to him, because either way he’s gonna be likely reeling trying to figure out what just happened.

EvolvingSoul posted 9/7/2020 23:19 PM

Hi there Historicalcosts7,

Welcome to SI. This place helped me so much and I hope it can help you too.

I think you are very likely rewriting your history with your betrayed partner and seeing through him a distorted, negative filter to justify to yourself why betraying him has been an okay thing to do, as long as you don't get caught. I did the same thing. It's a really common defense mechanism that lets us square the incompatible ideas that 1) we are good people and 2) we are betraying our spouses. We can remain "good people" only if we believe our betrayed spouses deserve it somehow, or if we can blame the relationship as bad and forcing us to get our needs met elsewhere. This kind of thinking allows us to circumvent the brain wiring that naturally makes us feel bad when we hurt or harm another person.

Something I'm wondering is, where is your integrity in all this? How is it that it's okay for you to hurt and harm other people and your own integrity so that you can have the feelings you want in the moment? That is something that would be productive to dig down on if you ever want to be different than you are now. And the thinking that lets us cheat doesn't usually limit itself to just a single relationship. When I finally took an unflinching look at how I related to and treated other people (which was terrifying), I found that the tendrils were spread into every area of my life. It takes a good long while to start to untangle it and you really can't ever untangle it if lying continues to be your go to solution for maintaining stability or for getting the feelings you want. If you don't get to the bottom of the brain wiring that lets you make these choices, this kind of thinking and the behaviors it drives will just keep repeating in your life.

It may not feel like it but your affair partner has actually done you a service by turning his attention elsewhere. You have an opportunity now to make a change. A good place to start is to get yourself educated on the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. I would recommend reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Also read the post pinned to the top of this board entitled "Things every WS needs to know" by HUFI-PUFI.

I hope you get yourself into IC. A good one can help you start to understand how and why you were able to choose cheating as well as help you develop some tools for dealing with difficult feelings: withdrawal from the affair and eventually, hopefully, the fallout that will come from being honest with your betrayed partner as you act to regain your integrity. Consider also starting a meditation/mindfulness practice. I wish I had done this earlier in my process. The benefits are cumulative and will help in every area of your life.

I hope you stick around. Read, post here when you have questions or need support. I would recommend keeping stop signs up on your posts for now. The path of integrity is in front of you. Will you step on?

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/8/2020 15:23 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. I've been trying to be as introspective as I can until I begin my first IC next week. I realize that I wanted attention, and I wanted to feel desired but never knew how to tell my husband what that meant to me. Retrospectively, my ex-AP came into my life when things were at a low point with H and when I felt I was being judged or not listened to I would turn to AP initially because I could talk to him about anything, and regrettably began to talk to him about marital problems. I was naieve and selfish and can't imagine a life without my husband. There's nothing more that I want to do than avoid hurting him, but he needs to know the truth and I need to be able to answer the questions he'll have.

I found the pinned post to be really informative and I will be looking into the books that have been mentioned. Thank you so much to everyone for your honesty and suggestions. It's very much appreciated.

forgettableDad posted 9/9/2020 15:33 PM

my best friends and my only confidant

If this does not describe who you want your partner to be then get a divorce.

More than anything you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and figure out who it is you see looking back.

Stop lying. To yourself and to your husband.

There's no way not to hurt your husband. Whether you tell now or it comes out later; your marriage is over. If you want any chance of an actual meaningful relationship with your husband you'll need to accept that fact and go forward. Whether you and your husband can forge a new relationship is up to him. And will take a long time.

It also hurts my ego

Sorry for being flippant but yeah, that's some real true love right there.

Start a new life by being honest. Being a liar is a terrible thing - trust me, I should know.

MrCleanSlate posted 9/10/2020 11:01 AM

Historicalcosts7,

Must admit I had one of my best laughs reading the first post of a wayward here in a long time.

You confronted your AP about him finding a real GF??? And you are heartbroken, and also hurt because she is younger than you.

And now you are stuck back with your spouse which you describe as someone you can hardly talk to.

Just read that again and try to grasp how fucked up that sounds.

I was able to manage 3 years with no suspicion so should I let it be and move on with my own guilt.

WRONG. Oh I bet he felt you pulling away, he probably even suspected. He also probably didn't have it in him to try to communicate with such a piece of shit that you were acting as, so he gave up and found comfort elsewhere. My BW did the same with me. She spent time with her mom. She was glad when I was not around because I was a miserable son of a bitch. I bet you were awful to be around too.

All that being said, you are here and you are reaching out. You've taken a step.

Yes you can try to bury it and walk away and carrying that on your shoulders. Or you can try to actually start to try to fix the broken person that you are. Tell the truth to yourself and your BS. Figure out why you did what you did.

The choice is yours.

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/10/2020 22:12 PM

MrCleanSlate,

I appreciate your reply. However, when I wrote this I had literally just found this forum and thought it would be a safe space to get off my chest the thoughts that were going through my mind. I am well aware of what I've done and how I've likely ruined my present life. It's no one's fault but my own and, although I am aware that there will be crass remarks, I really don't appreciate you referring to me as a POS and that I was awful to be around.

I am well aware I have my own problems, and I am actively working on them and I know it's going to be a long road. I don't know your story and perhaps you've forgotten what the beginning of your journey was like. Maybe that sort of motivation worked for your but insulting and belittling others is not ok. There are better ways to be critical without being insulting.

[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 10:25 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

forgettableDad posted 9/11/2020 01:42 AM

Don't take it to heart. You should remember that people come to this website due to suffering (and causing) trauma. I've found myself that prolific posting and often visits are indications of the healing journey being.. diverted.

Either way, there's a lot of good to take from SI. Read all the forums; learn the lessons beneath the interactions (not so much the specific posts) and, as the saying goes, sift the wheat from the chaff.

That said; you don't need cuddling. And I think safe spaces are a dumb concept.

You've done a terrible thing. A sequence of choices and actions that added suffering to the world. And hurt the person who should have been your closest friend and lover. It comes with a price.

As before. Find a good therapist. Throw yourself into developing the tools to understand why and how to change. It might not save your relationship with your husband but it still is the right thing to do. Add good to the world by being a better person. Good luck.

[wanted to add]
Think about the title of your post. You do know what to do. It's just that, well, it's a hard thing to do.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 1:43 AM, September 11th (Friday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 9/11/2020 14:20 PM

HC7,

Well, it looks like you are not a troll (contrary how your first post read), which we do see here from time to time.

I remember exactly what I was thinking back just before and just after D-Day. And I can see you are in much the same place as I was. Trying to control the outcome.

And I see you took offence at the exact same things I would have as well, and missed everything else I said.

BTW - I was not insulting you but pointing out how you may have been acting or perceived. As time goes on perhaps you will begin to regret how you acted, as much as I and others have.

How do you reconcile "I'm back in a relationship with someone I can hardly talk to" with "I was naieve and selfish and can't imagine a life without my husband"????

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/11/2020 16:23 PM

MrCleanSlate

I apologize, it's been an awful week trying to take the steps I need to figure my shit out and it felt like a slap to the face. Being new, I didn't know people would come here to troll. That's definitely what I'm here to do.

My BH and I definitely have each of our own issues, and I know how he handles and reacts to things are a factor in why I wandered. I used my AP partner as a sounding board when I didn't like how he acted, rather than talking to my BH and asking why he gets so upset and trying to help him. My reaction to this has been to get defensive starting a lot of arguments or to just shut down completely because I take it personally when he reacts this way whether it's towards me or not. He has sought IC for depression/anxiety in the past but stops going after long because he thinks its stupid. I'm fearful for any hope of R because of this.

It was completely selfish of me, and it's something my BH and I have always struggled with. I'm not blaming my BH, rather blaming myself for not being supportive and loving long ago. I think closed down to him long ago. We should have been attending MC long ago, I guess I didn't realize how broken our M was, and when I did when the hard stuff got too hard I had my AP to turn to to make me feel better. The positive attention is an addiction and its sobering to now be in this place, now that the fantasy is gone.

sundance posted 9/11/2020 19:32 PM

Hi historicalcosts,

Welcome to SI.

I think it's fine that you're posting from "ground zero" and speaking your truth.

It sucks to be rejected. It sucks to lose a loved one (regardless of that person's title).

I personally think it's ok to grieve the loss of the relationship. Others obviously don't (which is okay too).

The most important thing is forward progress.

Congrats on moving in the right direction!

Keep going.

Historicalcosts7 posted 9/12/2020 11:56 AM

Sundance,

Thank you for your reply. Each day is a struggle but I'm really trying. Had a big set back today that the virtual counselling session I had booked is cancelled so now I have to wait even longer to talk to someone.

I also feel like the best counselling for me with be in person. I've done virtual counselling a few times before and it's not the right environment for me. It's been so hard trying to find someone who does in person right now, and trying to get ahold of them/make an appt is even worse. I really need someone to talk to but it feels like I keep getting door after door slammed in my face.

I know I need to do this before I can tell my BH to give him honest answers but it's killing me to continue to be lying to him. I've been trying to keep it together as much as I can but I wear my stress/frustration/sadness on my sleeve and he's been trying to do whatever he can to make me happy when the reality is I'm sad because he's trying so hard and I'm going to eventually destroy him.

[This message edited by Historicalcosts7 at 12:55 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]