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When do you stop worrying?

Mickie500 posted 8/14/2020 16:17 PM

So my husband went to pick the dog up froM the groomers.
Why do I still worry that she will meet him there? There has been NC since February he’s been completely involved and being a safe partner.

Will I ever stop worrying? The AP was so happily number 2 taking scraps—-sitting quietly silent when I would call. How do you give that kind of worship up as a WS?

When will I stop worrying.

thatbpguy posted 8/14/2020 16:29 PM

You stop when your spouse proves to you they are safe and can be as trusted as they can get. That could be never or it could be after a couple of years. I wish I had a better answer.

Ladybugmaam posted 8/14/2020 16:29 PM

I certainly wasn't there 6 months out. It gets easier. I still worry in certain circumstances 18 months out, but I can say that it does get better. For me, it was more acceptance/acknowledgement that it happened and is now further in the past. H has worked hard to be safe for me. I've done EMDR. We've found a new, nicer, normal. Hugs. It's really hard.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 8/15/2020 11:06 AM

How do you give that kind of worship up as a WS?

They give it up when they see how pathetic this type of thinking is. It wasn't worship...it was brokenness.

What helped ME to stop worrying was having an exit plan . I opened a checking account in my name only...as well as a credit card. I then bought a newer vehicle in my name only also. With the money I had in my new checking account...I knew I could live a few months with it until I could get things settled.

After I had everything in place in case I wanted to LEAVE...I then was able to focus on wanting to STAY . IF my H screwed up by having ANY contact with the adultery co-conspirator...he knew I would be GONE.

After this...I truly stopped worrying about any possible contact . IF a WS wants to keep cheating...they will. We can't change anyone else...only ourselves. Change the situation to benefit YOU in case further contact is made. Then hopefully your worry about that will go away like it did for me .

Chaos posted 8/15/2020 11:24 AM

Proven behavior over time.

Eventually you will get to a place where it is no longer a worry but more of a contingent. Such as - if he's dumb enough to do that shit again, you will be confident enough to walk away leaving a trail of glitter in your wake.

The1stWife posted 8/16/2020 13:17 PM

Chaos nailed it!!!

Having a good exit plan and financial plan in case you D or separate also alleviates some of the anxiety. Kmowing you will survive the infidelity gives you some firm footing.

Notaboringwife posted 8/16/2020 15:04 PM

Chaos and The1stWife,

Yes, yes and yes. Right on! Great advice.

Simple posted 8/17/2020 04:09 AM

I stopped worrying when I realized that there is no way I control or make my FWH do anything. If he wants to cheat again, it will happen. Period. No amount of worrying will do anything.

What I can control though is making sure I am happy, healthy, have not lost myself as an individual. I have also made myself aware, to ensure I don't go on denial road trip, that if it does happen again, I know what to do. Basically, I will not be as devastated and needy as before. I think I will do my best to just be sad for a time to grieve and then learn to be indifferent (the opposite of love). I will learn not to let bitterness take over and wish him well in his relationship with the kids. Be as fair as possible in the Divorce.

Basically, I stopped worrying when I learned that the only thing I can control is my reaction. Which means, whether it's Reconcillation or Divorce, it doesn't matter. I will be happy and stay true to myself.

Good luck.

DIFM posted 8/17/2020 04:35 AM

What helped ME to stop worrying was having an exit plan .

^^^^^This!

Because we are trying to reconcile with proven liars and cheaters, you have to be willing to accept that it's possible that they could lie or cheat again. We work towards reconciliation being vulnerable, but hoping and trusting to some degree that our wayward spouses will repair their broken self and be committed.

Turning a blind eye to the possibility that it could happen again is both unsafe and in some small measure trying to control the outcome. Not wanting to think it could happen again takes some power away from yourself and gives it over to former wayward spouse.

I think it took me approximately a month to realize I needed to have an exit strategy in my back pocket because I could not guarantee that my formerly wayward wife would not once again lie or betray. You cannot control the behaviors of the cheating spouse. You can only control your own choices. Have an exit strategy so that, god forbid, something does happen again, you have the comfort of having had a plan ready.

Other than that all you can do is observe his actions and words over time, and keep yourself accountable to not turn a blind eye to red flags. Trust your gut.

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