Mickie500 posted 8/12/2020 15:51 PM

Did you require one? Did it help you or did it provide more triggers?

My husband has offered to write one. I’m already bogged down with so many triggers I’m not sure I want it.

If it helped your progress please let me know. If it made healing worse I’d like to know that too.

Oldwounds posted 8/12/2020 17:12 PM

About two years in to recovery, my wife finally put together a detailed timeline.

I didn't ask to see it. But I did ask a lot of questions about it. I had already put together a fairly solid picture of the time that was stolen from our M.

Will it help or hurt your healing?

That's a very individual answer.

For me, I had to have a full accounting -- it takes any 'magic' out of the A, shows it for what it was as my wife tried to explain it all.

I'll also imagine far worse details until I have the actual details.

For others, I think the details do make it worse.

There aren't any 'good' details. Affairs are usually two people at their very lowest form, they have to betray their own self interest and values (if they had any values to begin with, some do, some don't).

If you want to know, ask.

If those details make you uncomfortable at all, don't look at it.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:12 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

leafields posted 8/12/2020 23:09 PM

I required a timeline, which was only for 1 AP. One night, he sat down and read his timeline to me. Then, I read my understanding of the timeline to him. Mine had more details. It opened his eyes and made him realize how quickly he was able to be willing to blow up the M.

It wasn't triggering for me, because I was able to put together more details than my STBXWH. What it showed was his lack of insight into the issue and underscored something I already knew - he wasn't going to be able to do the digging deep within himself to work towards R.

He wasn't able to keep his hands to himself, so we're now on the path to D.

GTeamReboot posted 8/13/2020 00:56 AM

OK a few insomniac thoughts...

His offer is a good one. I suggest you take him up on the offer to write it. Make him write it all out to see with his own eyes how awful it is, all spelled out. If you decide you don’t want to read it, or not yet, then don’t. Make him save it hidden.

If you opt to consume the info, have him read it to you. This reinforces your trauma in his eyes, hearing it out loud as you react. It’s AWFUL. In my case it was necessary. My FWH said he still feels a little triggered sitting on the couch where he sat when he read all the awfulness to me. I don’t feel bad for him. He didn’t give me the timeline because he knew I would ruminate and reread. Probably a smart move. I was ok with that. It does mean I’ve re-asked some questions which annoys him. But it’s very very normal!

One idea I’ve seen is that in addition to that he write a version with much less detail. If you don’t have the basics you probably need at least that much. Hard to heal if you don’t know what you are healing from. Then you can decide which version you want, if at all.

That said if your gut feels you know enough and you don’t get hung up too often on the missing pieces, trust that!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know certain details. FWH for sure wishes that!! Lol! But then my mind would play 1000 versions of the movie instead of the few versions that are relatively accurate. It’s a horrible reality to settle for.

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 12:57 AM, August 13th (Thursday)]

TwoDozen posted 8/13/2020 05:18 AM

WGF hasn’t offered one and I havnt asked for one for many reasons but ultimately it comes down to the following

1. I don’t think she would do it, she does not want to look in the mirror.
2. It would be next to useless at this stage.

It’s very simple in her head a Drunken ONS followed by inner turmoil, spiralling into depressing which resulted in EA then Continuation of the PA.

She has described it as everything from MLC A to Exit A and everything in between. She has blamed everyone but herself (until very recently) and still does not recognise the months maybe years before the “ONS” as an EA. So at this stage what value would her timeline be to me?

Bigger posted 8/13/2020 05:29 AM

Are you in any form of therapy?
Infidelity is a major trauma and it takes immense effort to recover – irrespective of D or R or what your partner does or did. Very few manage recovery without outside help, be it a friend or a therapist.
With the strongest of words and with the best of intentions: go seek professional help.

gmc94 posted 8/13/2020 13:39 PM

I''m with OldWounds. Have him write it out - one "x rated" version with all the sexual detals, and another "PG" without them. Even if you choose not to look at it, it's a good exercise for a WS to have to really LOOK at all the choices they made to blow up their M.

Chaos posted 8/13/2020 14:02 PM

A timeline is only as accurate as the honesty of the person writing it.

You decide if you think it will help you and go from there.